First post: after 5 years and 7 OW, ex says he still loves me

[babylonsister]

I really just need someone who can listen and give it to me straight.

 

First, my ex and I had been together since 2008, the year before our senior year in college. When the relationship began, he was with his high school sweetheart who went to college in another state. They had their problems, and he ended that relationship after ours outgrew the casual phase and entered the "serious" category. We had a very smooth and happy senior year of college. So smooth that we decided kind of indirectly to enter graduate programs in Miami -- he would be in law school and I would study design. Not soon after relocating to Miami, the ish would start to hit the fan.

 

We pretty much agreed that we wanted to have our own places in the new city so we could adjust to school and life and not overcrowd one another. It was a really mature decision. Unfortunately, my boutique design school fudged up my student aid and I was left paying for classes with my own money. As a result, I couldn't afford my own place and had to move in with the BF. Weeks passed and all was fine, but I would notice him being colder to me than usual. He would have law school events for friends and family and not invite me or he'd have a dinner with classmates and leave me with the dinner I cooked on the stove and there was one weekend where he was MIA the whole 3 days with his frat brother. Our schools were on opposite ends of the city, so I just figured our schedules and social circles were out of sync. Then I went home for Christmas.

 

And that's when the bottom fell out from underneath me. His law school class was on break also, but he stayed a week longer than I did. Over the weekend when I was home, he went out to a club with his friends -- all fine -- but he was noticeably disconnected whenever I called or sent messages. He finally called in the airport after he missed his plane just to check up on me. After some investigating (I'll cut right to the chase), I discovered that he spent the weekend sleeping with one of his classmates and he missed his plane because they didn't wake up in time. After talking to this other girl directly, I also discovered that none of his classmates knew I existed as his girlfriend.

 

We talked about it. I cried. I forgave him. We got back together.

 

We spent 3 years together in Miami. In those three years, here's a bulleted rundown of all that happened.

1. He would fight for nothing.

2. He kicked me out of his apartment when I had nowhere else to live and I slept for 3 nights on various friends' couches.

3. He had girls' clothes in his car.

4. I regularly found new boxes of condoms in his place.

5. I intercepted a text message from a girl saying "I miss your face between my thighs," a story he rejected as "That could mean anything."

6. He borrowed $50 from me that he said was for groceries, but turns out, he took a girl out for drinks with it instead.

7. All in all, he slept with more girls when we were together in Miami than I had slept with men in my entire life.

 

Now, I kind of know what you're thinking. "Cheating constantly. Duh. You're stupid. Why didn't you run?" I was in love, of course, and I had on those rose-colored blinders. And I was constantly convinced to believe that he loved me too and Miami was just a phase. And there are a few reasons why.

 

1. His mom adores me. She would visit Miami often and we would go to dinner together. She'd tell me how much she would love me to be her daughter in law.

2. We shared some pretty special moments like trips to Key West and Naples (Florida, that is) and holidays alone together in distant cities.

3. He bought presents for my family and became great friends with my brother.

4. Flowers for no reason, professions of love out of nowhere, etc.

 

After I had had enough of that, I left him for what I thought was forever over this past summer. For a strong 6 months, I was happier than I had been in 3 years.

 

Then he called me one day and we became friends again. After months of lite chatter and a visit, he told me that we would get married. That I was the only one for him. That he was sorry for everything he did while I was supporting him. That we should go to church together. That he thinks I'll be a great mother because for a bunch of reasons. ...It was looking like a real reconciliation after what I thought was a good amount of time apart. For reasons that I cant quite comprehend (especially after writing that first list above), I still loved him. How could I resist? So we got back together.

 

I told him I forgave everything. I forgave it all. We agreed that the only way to move on and be happier together was to leave the past where it was and wipe our slates clean. That was in July 2012. Fast forward through a few minor fights here and there and I get a devastating message this past January.

 

It was my birthday, so I thought he was calling exactly at midnight to tell me he he loved me and happy birthday. Wrong. He told me "I don't think I can do this relationship anymore. It's exhausting." 6 months after professing undying love lol. And I couldnt move. And I didnt move all day on my birthday. I missed a bday party my friends planned. I didnt eat. I didnt even shower. We just weren't anymore. And we still arent. And I'm devastated, for a lot of reasons, but mostly because of how high I fell this time around. If I can be honest, I've never been closer to suicide (but then I realized that I didnt want to die, I just desperately didnt want to exist anymore; theres a small difference). I tried NC but I cant go a few days without *needing* contact. I gave up social media because we frequent the same haunts. I cry so much everyday that my eyelids are some kind of permanently swollen and I wake up looking like I'm 80. I forgave everything and believed he'd changed in spite of the preponderance of past evidence and gave it all up to him again. I mean, for God sake, he broke up with me on my birthday.

 

We talk every other day and it's not bad. He tells me a couple times a week that he still loves me. He says he'll "help me figure out how to be happy," but I'm not sure if his help is helping.

 

So, given all of this, what should I do? Really beneficial help will take into consideration the good and the bad. If the bad obviously outweighs the good, that's valid. But if there's enough good to mine from this, be honest. Brutally honest. I dont think enough of my friends are being objectively honest because they're friends with both of us.

 

NC cold turkey and never look back? Hold out hope that this is GIGS and we'll get back together months, years, 10 years from now? Someone tell me what to do and I will do it now.

[crashvector]

He's a douchebag.

 

Hardcore NC, work on healing, and eventually find a man that will actually treat you well.

 

You deserve better than this. Hell...EVERYONE deserve better than this.

[babylonsister]

This might sound bad, but I think I have a case of the Rihannas. My jerk ex is a jerk. I'm much better than my jerk ex. I cant shake my jerk ex, but I want to. I just dont know how.

 

Hardcore NC will be my focus, but I have to find the strength to do that from somewhere. (Tips?) But is this some late onset GIGS? Am I just his soft landing after things without me get insecure? I'm so confused.

[KatZee]

I couldn't write enough words on here to tell you what a complete and utter f.ucktard this man-child is.

 

You already forgave him once for cheating (huge mistake IMO, but one I've made as well) but then you forgave him AGAIN?! when he cheated on you like 6 more times? WHY?! You can't just "wipe a slate clean" there is no such thing. He's done far too much to you, lied far too much, cheated far too much, disrespected you far too much... need I go on? There is no slate wiping here. He has completely, and irrevocably tarnished, and ruined whatever relationship you guys had.

 

And don't for one second think he was being honest when he "professed his undying love" for you. Nothing about any of this says love from his end. It BARELY even says "like." Not to mention, you're together 5 years and he professes his "love" 6 months before the end? What the hell was going on for the first 4 years and 6 months of this relationship?!!??

 

He was in no way committed to you. THIS SITUATION IS NOT GIGS. Please pay attention to this. It's not as if he was a wonderful boyfriend for years and then suddenly fell out of love and started dating someone else looking for newer grass. He's been playing you, taking advantage of you, lying to you and cheating on you for the ENTIRE duration of your relationship.

 

I'm sure there are well more than 6 girls he's cheated on you with as well. He didn't just up and go to Miami and do this 180. I will put money on my life that here are women you have no clue about. You're just seeing this all now because you were living with him.

 

What you need to do?

 

1. Get yourself to the gynecologist ASAP. Book the appointment tomorrow. You need to be tested for every single STD under the sun. Your ex is a disgusting individual and with all his lies you cannot trust for one second he's used protection EACH. AND. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

 

2. Complete NC. Get rid of him. His mother loves you. That's wonderful. That means you're a great girl. Unfortunately your ex hasn't done one thing to deserve any of who you are and what you bring to a relationship.

 

3. Know that you're going to have extremely bad days from here on out, and your trust in guys and relationships in general are going to be tarnished. Focus on yourself, learn to love yourself. (There's no way on this planet earth you have ANY ounce of love for yourself to take back this guy not once, but TWICE after all his cheating. You deserve more than this.)

 

4. Block/delete/erase everything. That includes emails, texts, his phone number, his facebook account, posts, letters, cards. You don't want any of that crap around to make you feeling like garbage.

 

5. If you're still living together, GET OUT. Find your own place, or get into the dorms if you can.

 

6. Do not allow him to sweet talk you back. He's nothing but lies and rest assured he WILL do and he WILL say anything any anything to rope you back in. You're an EXTREMELY easy target for him to abuse and take advantage of. Guys like this prey on weak, easy, insecure, and naive girls. Stop being a victim. Take control of your life.

Edited February 20, 2013 by KatZee

[destroyed4sho]

It doesn't sound like GIGS......

 

He is simply a LIAR, CHEATER and UNSTABLE...and manipulative, you will never be happy with him. Dumping you on your bday?? Sounds unstable and abnormal...is he bipolar??

 

Wrap it up, and get him out of you life.

[TaraMaiden]

^^^KatZee's post.^^^ *thumbsup*.

 

Precisely what I would have written.

 

In fact, all of the above.

 

Take note.

And follow through.

 

All I need to say, is check the link in my signature.

[KatZee]

Wooo Taramaiden approved!

[KatZee]

I also don't know how I glazed over this gem:

 

"First, my ex and I had been together since 2008, the year before our senior year in college. When the relationship began, he was with his high school sweetheart who went to college in another state. They had their problems, and he ended that relationship after ours outgrew the casual phase and entered the "serious" category."

 

Sooooo... what you're saying is that your ex was cheating on HIS girlfriend with you, and once he had that nice little fall back plan, he dumped her and went straight to you.

 

I'm not sure why that red flag wasn't beating you in the face.

 

 

If it happens WITH you, it's going to happen TO you.

[geegirl]

So, at some point you removed yourself for 6 months and felt much better about yourself and your moving on. You had determination then. What about you now can't seem to find a shred of self-respect to kick this mofo to the curb?

 

This is not GIGS. This is douchebaggery. He will always be wired this way. And even if it was GIGS, the fact that you would consider waiting/taking him back speaks so highly of the lack of value that you have in you.

 

Please, aim higher. Love is wonderful, but this is not love. Just a toxic attachment due to lack of self-love and self-respect within yourself.

[destroyed4sho]

'This is douchebaggery.'

 

hahahahaaa.......totally

[babylonsister]

Whoa.

 

First, Thank You TaraMaiden, KatZee, CrashVector, destroyed4sho, geegirl and everyone else reading all of this and giving input. I'm genuinely taking all of the feedback to heart because I've CLEARLY been so wrapped in what's going on with this relationship that its almost impossible for me to not have some sort of cognitive bias. In fact, I have extreme bias.

 

I'm going to dig through the NC guide in your sig KatZee and get started with this. He's been texting me today and I've ignored them all, so I have a good 3 or 4 hours of NC under my belt >_<! We're disconnected from pretty much every mode of communication other than by phone, but I never have my phone on me anyways.

 

Just by writing it down

 

I initially rejected all of your claims that I had no self-respect, but when I think about this objectively, I've been a doormat. A doormat that hated itself. And when I look at myself, I really do not like pretty much anything. Whats worse is that Im paranoid that any and every girl walking around me has or will sleep with my ex at some point and I obsessively compare. And it sucks. For 5 years, the way he treated me has been the yardsticks that I measured myself by, and as youve all pointed out, it wasnt the best unit of measurement.

 

Just to reassure everyone, it might not seem like it, but my physical health is really important (even if my emotional health clearly hasnt been). I get tested on the regular. But that was a very good first suggestion, and one that makes me feel great about you all giving me advice.

 

I did miss a bunch of indirect signs (he cheated on his GF [who got engaged over the weekend and is living happily btw lol) to be with me) and even the really blatantly obvious ones ("I miss your face between my thighs" *gag*) because Ive been so tangled in his madness.

 

You guys are all right. Just writing it down has made a huge difference. I'm just deathly afraid of the dark days, and they get really dark and mysterious and haunted which is why I gravitate back to him as something familiar. I might become a LS regular all along this journey. Its been so helpful so far.

[geegirl]

You guys are all right. Just writing it down has made a huge difference. I'm just deathly afraid of the dark days, and they get really dark and mysterious and haunted which is why I gravitate back to him as something familiar. I might become a LS regular all along this journey. Its been so helpful so far.

 

Your dark days without him are temporary. Proof is when you disconnected for those 6 months.

 

Going back to your source of pain, only gives you pain. The days still remain dark. They will always remain dark if you keep going back to what has caused you so much of destruction.

 

So, barrel through the pain, it will come and go and you will fight and you will soon start to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Going back to him everytime you feel bad, doesn't change anything. It only perpetuates an unending feeling of pain and despair.

[KatZee]

There will of course be dark days, those are to be expected. But you come out of the darkness much more quickly if you stick to NC. And that means FULL NC. Not this half-a.ss thing you have going on right now where you talk every few days. That means: You block him on your phone, email, facebook... every single avenue you have open for him to contact... you block him.

 

Don't just burn that bridge. Drain the lake, fill it with concrete and build a shopping mall on that b.itch!