LDR-Another girl visiting my boyfriend???

[fran14]

My boyfriend is in the military and is stationed on the other side of the country. With being in the military, he doesn't get to come home all that often. Luckily, I do get to visit him about every other month. Our relationship has been really good so far. I feel like we've been able to deal with and survive the distance very well. We love and trust each other deeply. I do plan to marry him within the next few years, and he asks if I am ready pretty much every day.

A few days ago he asked how I felt about one of his girl friends from home going out to visit him. This is a friend he is particularly close to and has been for a few years. They talk on a pretty regular basis and she is always going to him with all of her problems because he is "the only one that can calm her down". I have met her through him and I do like her, I've never had a problem with her. However, the thought of her going out there to visit him alone puts my stomach in knots. Since he is in the military, they would have to get a hotel to stay at while she was there. Knowing him, he wouldn't leave her to stay at the hotel alone while he stays in his barracks on base. He has said they would get a room with 2 beds. I just feel so uneasy about it. Them sharing a hotel room all weekend together. Ah! It's making me sick right now.

I told him that I would not be okay with it. I said that it is inappropriate. I said it's unnecessary because he is coming home soon. Does she really need to see him so bad that she has to go out there alone? I also said that I feel it is disrespectful to me. I said that it is crossing a line, I don't know why she would think it was an ok idea in the first place. And she has not even talked to me about it to see how I felt. I feel I deserve that.

My boyfriend has replied basically saying that I need to be okay with it. He gets to come home to see his friends so little that any chance he can get to see them, he is going to take. He told me I am being selfish for not being excited that he will get to see a friend. He says it is the same as if one of his guy friends were to go out there and visit. Which I can't say it is.

With him being so far, and only having weekends off of work, along with other strict guidelines and rules, it is hard and expensive to visit. None of his friends have visited. His guy friends are ok with the fact that they will see him when they see him at home. He is in the military, we all know that we aren't going to see him as much because of it.

Me and him are on completely different pages with the issue. It caused a huge fight between us, which ended with him saying that it is just a possibility of her going out there, so we should not worry about it until it is a real issue.

I am having the hardest time trying to make myself be okay with this situation. Knowing that it is a "possibility" makes it so I can't stop thinking about it, and how upset I would be if it really did happen. The more I think about it, the more I get upset that he has even suggested it in the first place. I don't want other girls going out to visit and stay with my boyfriend. They shouldn't think that is ok. They should understand why. I am strongly not ok with it. I'm not ok with it so much so, that I would want to break up with him if it did happen. Thinking that far scares me. I'm afraid I will never be okay with it and will forever hold a grudge against him.

Please give me advice on what you think. Am I being crazy? How should I handle this situation? How can I be ok with it? Am I right to not be ok with it?

Thanks all!

Edited February 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[miss_jaclynrae]

Completely unacceptable and inappropriate. Tell him you are not comfortable with it [dont accuse, just calmly let him know] and if he turns it around on you then you have bigger fish to fry.

Edited February 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[mammasita]

Definitely not ok.

 

I dated a man in the Air Force, he was stationed at OSAN for a year. Well, come to find out his high school sweetheart took a trip to see him and "forgot" to mention it to me. Oh yeah, and he already had a local girlfriend.

 

Not to say that your boyfriend would do or is doing the same. I think it says something that he's being honest about his friends potential visit. That aside, I still think its inappropriate for them to be shacking up in a hotel....even if it is platonic.

 

Why can't she plan her visit to go when you go?

[CC12]

You seem a little controlling, especially when you say things like:

 

I said it's unnecessary because he is coming home soon.

 

The more I think about it, the more I get upset that he has even suggested it in the first place.

 

I don't want other girls going out to visit and stay with my boyfriend. They shouldn't think that is ok.

 

I said that it is crossing a line, I don't know why she would think it was an ok idea in the first place. And she has not even talked to me about it to see how I felt. I feel I deserve that.

 

No you don't. You're not his mother. Your boyfriend's friends do not have to ask your permission to visit him. That's really absurd. This is between you and your boyfriend.

 

I wouldn't see a problem with this as long as they wouldn't be spending the night together. If she's in a hotel and he goes home at night, what's the big deal? It's nice that your boyfriend has friends who care enough about him to take the time and expenses to visit him while he's away. You should let him enjoy that.

Edited February 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Keenly]

We love and trust each other deeply.

 

 

This is your test.

 

 

There is some obvious insecurity about your relationship, and I don't mean with as much respect as possible.

 

 

I have 3 thoughts, first that I would not be okay with that situation, putting myself in it.

 

Second, I think that establishing this as a "if you do this, were done" kind of line in the sand is not the way to go about it, because it could be seen as an attack, and a controlling jealousy kind of maneuver.

 

Third, is that If you really, truly love this man, and you have all the trust in the world for him, a strong person would just let the SO do their thing, knowing FULL well they would never cheat on them because they know their relationship is mutually strong and healthy. That's a "perfect" relationship though, and quite rare.

[HeavenOrHell]

If you truly love and trust each deeply then you'd know he'd never do anything to betray your trust.

He's being upfront with you about meeting this woman.

Men and women can just be friends and nothing more.

My partner and ex were very close emotionally for a while after they split up and she stayed at his every weekend, even slept in the same bed, (unusual I know, but the reasons all made sense, it wasn't something he was hiding from me) but I still knew he wouldn't cheat, I did say to him I found it hard they were still so close emotionally though and asked if they could tone it down now he's with me, to not share a bed and to meet once a month, and they did.

Not all men sexualise their women friends, my partner doesn't sexualise his friends.

 

I've always found it unreasonable for partners to not want their partner to have close friends of the opposite sex, because if you trust them totally and know it's you they love, then what is the problem? If you think he's likely to have sex with her, then you don't think he's loyal/trustworthy.

 

If my partner were put in bed with the most attractive woman in the world he wouldn't do anything with her because it's me he wants, and he has too much of a conscience to betray me like that.

 

The only thing I would say though is they should get separate rooms in the hotel because that is overstepping the mark, not cos it means he'll cheat, but just a bit too close for comfort.

Edited February 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted quote

[miss_jaclynrae]

I believe in relationship boundaries, and I do not think she is wrong in her thinking.

 

 

 

How would he feel if the tables were turned?

What if YOU were the one who was having a guy friend spend the night in the same hotel room with you while your boyfriend was miles away?

 

 

 

 

Nope.

Not ok on either end.

**** the "trust" debate. That is just ****ty.

[justwhoiam]

I call BS all the talking about "if you trust him, everything's OK, nothing to worry about".

 

1) This girl sounds like a weak girl needing a shoulder to lean on at every step she takes. Red warning light flashing. Gee, can't she have a girlfriend to chat with?

 

2) She may well be a c@cktease. Thumb down.

 

3) Ok. She's a nice friend meaning well. It's OK if she wants to visit. Absolute no to him spending the night in her hotel room. I mean I've never heard such absurdity anywhere. If he's not spending the night with her in a hotel room, it doesn't mean he's not a welcoming guy, or he's not being nice. Come on. Let's be serious.

 

4) He wants to marry you. Ok. You haven't married for whatever reason (practical reasons, money, work, etc.). That doesn't mean he can't behave as if you were married. If he were your husband, would he ask to spend the night in a hotel room with a girl/woman? So he'd better start now. A nice occasion to exercise what being married means.

 

5) If it gets really bad, I would do just the same: letting him know I'd be done with him if he decides he won't draw back with his friend. If it is so important that he's ready to break up rather than giving up spending the night with her, the answer is there, clear and loud.

 

6) He may lie about that, because he knows you wouldn't let that happen. So what then? You'd need to check on him. That night. To see if he went back to his room.

 

7) Your last chance would be or would have been (I'm not sure if the visit has already occurred) fly there while his friend is there. I would avoid this one. Sounds quite desperate. Just for emergency.

 

I know, some might say "if you need to fight for him like that, better let him go". But, at times, some shrewdness doesn't harm and actually prevents the damage.

[Els]

I don't think the issue here is that your bf has female friends. I wholeheartedly support both partners having friends of mixed genders.

 

Sharing a hotel room, though... is just inappropriate IMO. It's not a matter of trust or insecurity. It doesn't even matter whether or not they have sex. It's just inappropriate and disrespectful for someone in a committed R to be doing that with a friend of the opposite sex.

 

If he thinks it's okay to be sharing hotel rooms with a 'female friend', I would seriously reconsider this guy as serious bf material.

[HeavenOrHell]

It's not BS to trust your partner if you know them to be trustworthy, it's BS to not trust them if they are trustworthy.

Why stay with someone you think capable of cheating or overstepping boundaries in your r/ship.

I agree however, as a I said, they should not have been contemplating sharing a hotel room.

 

 

I call BS all the talking about "if you trust him, everything's OK, nothing to worry about".

 

1) This girl sounds like a weak girl needing a shoulder to lean on at every step she takes. Red warning light flashing. Gee, can't she have a girlfriend to chat with?

 

2) She may well be a c@cktease. Thumb down.

 

3) Ok. She's a nice friend meaning well. It's OK if she wants to visit. Absolute no to him spending the night in her hotel room. I mean I've never heard such absurdity anywhere. If he's not spending the night with her in a hotel room, it doesn't mean he's not a welcoming guy, or he's not being nice. Come on. Let's be serious.

 

4) He wants to marry you. Ok. You haven't married for whatever reason (practical reasons, money, work, etc.). That doesn't mean he can't behave as if you were married. If he were your husband, would he ask to spend the night in a hotel room with a girl/woman? So he'd better start now. A nice occasion to exercise what being married means.

 

5) If it gets really bad, I would do just the same: letting him know I'd be done with him if he decides he won't draw back with his friend. If it is so important that he's ready to break up rather than giving up spending the night with her, the answer is there, clear and loud.

 

6) He may lie about that, because he knows you wouldn't let that happen. So what then? You'd need to check on him. That night. To see if he went back to his room.

 

7) Your last chance would be or would have been (I'm not sure if the visit has already occurred) fly there while his friend is there. I would avoid this one. Sounds quite desperate. Just for emergency.

 

I know, some might say "if you need to fight for him like that, better let him go". But, at times, some shrewdness doesn't harm and actually prevents the damage.

[justwhoiam]

It's not BS to trust your partner if you know them to be trustworthy, it's BS to not trust them if they are trustworthy.

Why stay with someone you think capable of cheating or overstepping boundaries in your r/ship.

May I think she can drink a glass more than she should with everything that goes with it? May I think she could easily hang out in the room in her underwear with the excuse he's a friend? Sex per se is not the only thing that could bother a girlfriend in this case.

 

I agree however, as a I said, they should not have been contemplating sharing a hotel room.

Amen to that.

[january2011]

I don't think the issue here is that your bf has female friends. I wholeheartedly support both partners having friends of mixed genders.

 

Sharing a hotel room, though... is just inappropriate IMO. It's not a matter of trust or insecurity. It doesn't even matter whether or not they have sex. It's just inappropriate and disrespectful for someone in a committed R to be doing that with a friend of the opposite sex.

 

If he thinks it's okay to be sharing hotel rooms with a 'female friend', I would seriously reconsider this guy as serious bf material.

 

This.

 

It's the sharing of hotel rooms that I think steps over the line. I also think that this friend is too close to your boyfriend and there's strong potential of an EA. He shouldn't be "the only one who can calm her down." And it shouldn't require a flight around the world to do so.

 

You've stated your boundaries. It is up to your boyfriend to decide what to do with that information. If he prioritises staying with this friend, particularly in the same room, then I'd see that as a relationship deakbreaker. Better to know this now than to carry on being with him knowing that he will allow this friend to come between the two of you whenever she needs "calming down."

[ForeverHopeful1]

This is unacceptable and it would be very odd for me to hear this coming from my partner, whether we were married, or not. It is not ok in my books and would definitely jump way over the line on boundaries. Way over the line here. I would be ok with someone visiting. I would NOT be ok with them staying in the same room. He can stay where he normally lives and she can visit, in a hotel room, like normal people. He doesnt need to pick up and rent a hotel room, let alone, stay in the same room. Thats what really bothers me about this. The whole sharing the room thing is something I really dont understand. Can they not get separate rooms at the very least?