to leave or not?

[sucks to be me]

Full disclosure this will be long.

 

My husband and I dated for 10 years before marrying on our 10 year anniversary. Six weeks before the wedding I found out that my husband embezzled close to 50K over a period of nine months from his employer, who happens to be a close family friend. He admitted what he did to his boss, parents, and myself and is in the process of paying back the money.

 

At first he claimed that he stole the money in order to give me everything I wanted and deserved for the wedding, even though I did not ask for a “dream wedding”. You see I had wanted to get married before we did. It didn't matter to me that we would have to struggle for a bit. We are upwardly mobile and I just knew that we would be OK, together (yes, I was naïve).

 

He came from an old school Southern family and felt, and still feels, like he needs to provide for his family. I understood that this meant that I would have to be patient. In the meantime, it was really important to me that he move out of his parents’ house, where he moved back in after undergrad, so that he could learn how to stand on his own two feet. He comes from a well off family and never wanted for anything. If it even looked like he would be late on a credit card bill his father would pay it.

 

Him waiting to propose and not moving out translated into him wanting to give me everything and anything I wanted. He used all types of excuses. He would tell me that his father gave him money to take me out. That his boss gave him an on the spot bonus so he would take me for dinner and drinks. On my 30th birthday things started to unravel. I asked him, point blank, if anything was wrong. He lied to my face and said no. A few weeks later I learned about the stolen money and the lying. I was numb. I didn’t know what to do. He lied to me for nine months, but we had been together for ten years. Which mattered more? Should I post pone the wedding? We had already been through pre-marital counseling with my priest and a PhD. I thought we were doing everything by the book. I thought we were being responsible adults.

 

I had been in individual therapy for about a year to deal with all the poop from my childhood as I was physically and mentally abused as a kid. I thought that while marriage is work and that the first year is supposed to be hard that we were doing all of our due diligence. I was so wrong. I felt so betrayed. He lied to me for nine months.

 

We decided to get married and go on our honeymoon. I was hoping to use the honeymoon as a sort of couples retreat. He did not want to discuss anything until we got home. That is his family’s modus operandi, ignore until it can be swept under the rug. Over dinner one night I asked him what he spent the money on and he said that he spent it on the wedding. At that point I was done. If that were true then the wedding should have been fully paid for, yet we still have bills. He lied again.

 

Fast forward a bit and we moved in together and were in marriage counseling. Things were miserable. We were not intimate on our honeymoon. We weren’t sleeping in the same room. It was not what I thought it would be. We were in therapy for about 6 months. Needless to say money has been tight but things have been looking up. I told him a few weeks ago that I was pretty happy and that I hope for the future….that is until this past Friday.

 

He stayed at work late and he sent me a text asking me to pay the Neiman Marcus card. Earlier in the week I told him that I did not have any money due to $120 in unforeseen medical bills. I thought that covered the fact that I would not be able to pay the Neiman’s card. He thought that I should have specially stated that I was broke and that I could not pay the Neiman’s card. He blew up at me on the phone. He called me fiscally irresponsible. I will admit, as I have to him, that I have been fiscally irresponsible in the past and that I was working on it , but I am not the one who STOLE money. I have been the one paying our rent. If not for me we would be living with his parents or studio very far out of town. I left him a note staying to sleep on the futon. When he got home he just kept picking a fight. I told him that I was tired and he accused me of always picking when we talk. He then called me “weak”, and slammed the door shut. He then opened the door and said, “You are weak and pathetic. You are a weak and pathetic little girl, **** you” and slammed the door again.

 

I marinated on what he said for a bit and asked him why he thought that was ok to say and why he believed it to be true. We talked back and forth a bit.

 

The next day I asked for a separation. I lived with abuse for 18 years and I cannot and WILL NOT. He knows what I lived through. He knows how hard I have tried this year. I have had to bend and compromise on pretty much everything I wanted this year. Things are still unresolved and he is falling into old habits of wondering why this hasn’t been swept under the rug yet. I just think that we need some time to think about this relationship. He has used this relationship to blame his shortcomings on. I have gone to individual and couples therapy. I feel like I am putting my all into this relationship and in return I get called weak and pathetic.

 

What to so next

[Eggplant]

I don't know what good qualities he has, but stealing money is a major, major red flag. He will break the rules. He will screw over other people, if not you, and the repercussions will affect you, his partner. People will judge you for his crimes. You will have to feel embarrassment for his actions and clean up his messes. You will have to negotiate day-to-day matters with whomever you partner up with, and he doesn't play fair or care if others are unfairly robbed of their money. He is not a genuinely nice person. He does not have integrity. GET OUT

 

The years you spent with him are gone, whether you stay with him or not. You are still young, so I'd suggest bailing ship before you get married and have kids and are stuck with him.

 

I had a relationship with a liar...

[CC12]

It's like there's a very clear division between you two. You don't seem very couple-ish, if that makes sense. Ten years is a long time to be with someone without living with them or being engaged, or something. Even now, you're married and your finances still aren't combined (which is probably for the best since he doesn't seem great with money) and neither of you really know what each other's bank accounts look like.

 

And since money is like the number one thing couples fight about, it's pretty important that you two are on the same page there. Make a budget. Get rid of the Neiman's card. See a financial planner in addition to a marriage counselor.

 

I'm probably extrapolating a lot and you can correct me if I'm mistaken about anything.

 

Anyway, if you want to leave him, you'd be completely justified. He steals, he lies, he called you names, there's a lack of intimacy, and finally this:

 

He has used this relationship to blame his shortcomings on.

I also noticed that he indirectly blamed you for him stealing money. "I stole because I wanted to give you everything you want and I spent it all on you." That's an unfair, unacceptable excuse. Also assuredly a lie.

[Gunny376]

Its been my general experience that once a person is a liar, a thief, a crook, a swindler? They're pretty much going to be one the rest of their lives.

 

Personality and individual characteristics are pretty much set in stone. I know you've got your naive 'do-gooder' and 'Yea but,..............." type of individuals that say that "People can and do change!" To me they're just setting themselves up and being overly naive.

 

If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck, quacks like a duck? I'm pretty much going to assume that its a duck.

 

I know he may be coming off as full of sorrow and regret, (from your post I'm inferring this) But it sounds more likes being defensive about what he's done, and he's just out there grasping for straws.

 

The only difference I see between your 'marriage' and the sinking of the Titanic? The Titanic had a band playing as she was sinking and went down under the waves?

 

Based upon my personal experience with women? This old boy has committed some of the most grievous sins any man can commit with a woman?

 

1 He's repeatedly lied to you!

 

2. He's deeply hurt you!

 

3. He's made you madder than "

 

4. He disrespected you!

 

5. He's verbally abused you!

 

6. He's embarrassed you

 

The last one is especially important. Which isn't to say that the others I've listed aren't (And there's even more that I haven't listed)

 

A man can get away with a lot of crap with his woman/wife/spouse/GF ~ but generally speaking? You embarrass a woman? Humiliate her? Have people talking back behind her back about "her man" because of something he did? Or didn't do when he should have? Then he can just hang it up! He's officially out of gas!!

 

There's a lot of things that a person can fix? Stupidity isn't one of them.

 

Your still young (I'm guessing mid to late 20's)

 

Your youth isn't something that you can NEVER get back. Don't spend one more minute with this clown. Get out NOW while your still young, still have your "looks" still have options and choices! Get out while you can start over, live this down, put it past and behind you! Before you get pregno and have children with this azzhat!

 

I'm not particularly good at 'Chinese Algebra"? But there's a whole lot of things about this guy that's seems 'snakey', deceitful, sleazy. dishonest,

 

The list of endless!

 

If you were my daughter? I'd soon as see you in the back of a hearse on the way to the graveyard than to see you with the likes of him! :( :( This guy is nothing but 'bad news' and its only going to get worse!