Have you ever...

[AlisaMarie]

Have you ever just loved someone so much and the thought of them not being in your life rips you entire being to shreds and makes your heart hit the floor?

You can't be with them, they aren't right for you.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

[geegirl]

Have you ever just loved someone so much and the thought of them not being in your life rips you entire being to shreds and makes your heart hit the floor?

You can't be with them, they aren't right for you.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

 

Yes.

 

My first boyfriend. We had to separate due to religion. Love of my life.

 

Last ex. He was a cheater but I loved him so.

 

You feel the pain. You take one day at a time. You find ways to cope with the intense lows. As you go along, one day you'll realize that you're feeling much better but there's still that residual "blahness". Then one day you find acceptance and you're feeling optimistic about moving forward. They still float around in your mind but not with the emotional attachment and dependence you had once before.

 

There's no easy way. To get past it, you have to go through it.

[AlisaMarie]

Yes.

 

My first boyfriend. We had to separate due to religion. Love of my life.

 

Last ex. He was a cheater but I loved him so.

 

You feel the pain. You take one day at a time. You find ways to cope with the intense lows. As you go along, one day you'll realize that you're feeling much better but there's still that residual "blahness". Then one day you find acceptance and you're feeling optimistic about moving forward. They still float around in your mind but not with the emotional attachment and dependence you had once before.

 

There's no easy way. To get past it, you have to go through it.

 

Geegirl, I miss your advice.

I am completely over the narcissist I spoke of last year. I just gave my heart to a depressed alcoholic shortly after. He's a mess and does the push pull with me constantly. I just wish I could let go.

[todreaminblue]

to em when you forgive someone and accept that you were not compatible it wasnt meant to be in the first place.....what isnt meant to be....always ends......everything that is wrong and out of place is always made right......sometimes it takes a long time for this to happen because we fight the tide of obvious differences .... sometimes its over quickly whatever happens......theres always a reason................that what is wrong for you ....ends..for what is right ...... to begin...because in life everyoen should have happiness and only if its right can you be happy......deb

[AlisaMarie]

to em when you forgive someone and accept that you were not compatible it wasnt meant to be in the first place.....what isnt meant to be....always ends......everything that is wrong and out of place is always made right......sometimes it takes a long time for this to happen because we fight the tide of obvious differences .... sometimes its over quickly whatever happens......theres always a reason................that what is wrong for you ....ends..for what is right ...... to begin...because in life everyoen should have happiness and only if its right can you be happy......deb

 

You're right, I deserve to be happy! Most of us do. I am trying to find it under false pretenses. It just feels like a big game and I am exhausted. The men that love me and would treat me good I am not attracted to.

I am attracted to pain and hurt. BUT I DONT want that!

[geegirl]

Geegirl, I miss your advice.

I am completely over the narcissist I spoke of last year. I just gave my heart to a depressed alcoholic shortly after. He's a mess and does the push pull with me constantly. I just wish I could let go.

 

Maybe that's a sign that there's something wrong with the choices you are making in your life. A relationship with a narc can cause some significant emotional damage and soon after you jumped into another R with someone that is clearly unhealthy in more ways than one.

 

It's a choice, Alisa. You identify it is unhealthy but you stay.

 

The good news is that you can now see that there is a way to remove yourself from a bad relationship, as you did the narc and while it takes time to heal, you CAN get over them. This is no different.

 

He's a depressed alcoholic. Short from push and pull, what could he possibly give you in the form of a healthy, loving and reciprocal qualities of a partner, when the fact remains, he can't even be healthy and connected to himself? His emotional and mental state is clearly on a different level.

 

You can choose to get beaten down until you realize you have to drag yourself out of it, broken and defeated, or you can accept that he's bad for you, you are bad for you and it's time to work on yourself.

 

You have to dig deep and ask yourself why you keep holding on. I bet you are scared to be alone. You're co-dependent. You want to fix broken souls, since it's easier to work on their issues because then you don't have to focus on yours. If he gets fixed, then HE makes you happy, versus you finding happiness from within. Low self-esteem with you grabbing on to dear life just to feel love, someone love me, anyone. Lack of self-love, clear as day when you keep latching on to the first person that pays you attention. Before you gave your heart, did you not process the realities in your mind? You went from narc and straight into the arms of more dysfunction. Why aren't you heeding the signs and lessons you learnt from your past unhealthy relationship?

 

Change? I'm sure you're hoping for that. People with these issues don't change overnight, or even change at all.

 

So, how much more?

Edited February 20, 2013 by geegirl

[Mack05]

Everything Geegirl has said above is spot on.

 

I am going to give you a different angle. Right now I am a bit further down the road then your current guy is, but I used to behave in the same way he does to you now. I am a sufferer of depression and this doesn't go away over night. Sometimes u want to fool yourself and convince yourself everything is ok. You do that because you want to feel 'normal' again. What tends to happen then is that you pretend the problem isn't there. By ignoring it though, you risk the chance to slip back into depression.

 

Right now he is having a battle inside and you are caught in the middle AlisaMarie. If you stay this will get more and more toxic. Right now he is in denial. Any promises he makes he simply cannot keep. There is so much more happening under the surface that he doesn't understand. You cannot trust a word he says and he will continue the pull-push behaviour, as the battle inside himself continues. I am sure you see good in him. That's because there is good in him.

 

Just because a person has good qualities does not mean they will make good partners. If he can't take care of himself, love himself then how on earth can he take care and love you? He can't. If he is exactly like me then he probably doesn't even want to be in this relationship, but he doesn't have the self esteem or inner belief to feel that he will get better. That's what pull - push behaviour usually is. You know the relationship is not right for you (because you realise your partner too is emotionally unhealthy) so you push, but then you do not want to be alone and you see the good in your partner, so you pull.

 

Have you read the book codependent no more by Melody Beattie? If you haven't, you should and read it more then once. In the book she make a reference that "emotionally healthy people don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people". If you look back over your past choices there is a Narc and now a alcoholic depressive. An emotionally healthy woman would not make these choices. Which means that you are as emotionally unhealthy as they are.

 

Until you fully resolve your personal issues these are the types of relationships you will continually end up in. Toxic, unhealthy, emotionally damaging. Just like it will take your ex years to gain full emotional health (if ever), it will take you the same length of time if you are being honest with yourself. You need to come up with a plan on how to resolve your personal problems, to fully deal with your demons gone by. This can only be done outside the confines of a relationship. I am a over year single and I could be a few more. It's not easy, but if you are honest with yourself and put in the hard work, we all have the potential of a happy future and potentially a happy healthy relationship.

 

Read the article below and ask yourself the question geegirl asked above. How much more?

 

Emotional Boundaries

Edited February 20, 2013 by Mack05

[Debbie2508]

Another great book is "Women who love too much" by Robin Norward. Very insightful, quite hard to read in parts and had me in tears a few times, as I recognised myself and my behaviour.

 

"Hurt people hurt people".

[Coping Vortex]

Have you ever just loved someone so much and the thought of them not being in your life rips you entire being to shreds and makes your heart hit the floor?

You can't be with them, they aren't right for you.

WHAT DO YOU DO?

 

Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Coping Vortex]

Everything Geegirl has said above is spot on.

 

I am going to give you a different angle. Right now I am a bit further down the road then your current guy is, but I used to behave in the same way he does to you now. I am a sufferer of depression and this doesn't go away over night. Sometimes u want to fool yourself and convince yourself everything is ok. You do that because you want to feel 'normal' again. What tends to happen then is that you pretend the problem isn't there. By ignoring it though, you risk the chance to slip back into depression.

 

Right now he is having a battle inside and you are caught in the middle AlisaMarie. If you stay this will get more and more toxic. Right now he is in denial. Any promises he makes he simply cannot keep. There is so much more happening under the surface that he doesn't understand. You cannot trust a word he says and he will continue the pull-push behaviour, as the battle inside himself continues. I am sure you see good in him. That's because there is good in him.

 

Just because a person has good qualities does not mean they will make good partners. If he can't take care of himself, love himself then how on earth can he take care and love you? He can't. If he is exactly like me then he probably doesn't even want to be in this relationship, but he doesn't have the self esteem or inner belief to feel that he will get better. That's what pull - push behaviour usually is. You know the relationship is not right for you (because you realise your partner too is emotionally unhealthy) so you push, but then you do not want to be alone and you see the good in your partner, so you pull.

 

Have you read the book codependent no more by Melody Beattie? If you haven't, you should and read it more then once. In the book she make a reference that "emotionally healthy people don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people". If you look back over your past choices there is a Narc and now a alcoholic depressive. An emotionally healthy woman would not make these choices. Which means that you are as emotionally unhealthy as they are.

 

Until you fully resolve your personal issues these are the types of relationships you will continually end up in. Toxic, unhealthy, emotionally damaging. Just like it will take your ex years to gain full emotional health (if ever), it will take you the same length of time if you are being honest with yourself. You need to come up with a plan on how to resolve your personal problems, to fully deal with your demons gone by. This can only be done outside the confines of a relationship. I am a over year single and I could be a few more. It's not easy, but if you are honest with yourself and put in the hard work, we all have the potential of a happy future and potentially a happy healthy relationship.

 

Read the article below and ask yourself the question geegirl asked above. How much more?

 

Emotional Boundaries

 

I started to go to therapy since my BU. (I never thought I would be going to therapy) I learned I am very codependent and so was my ex. In fact because she is codependent she attached herself to her new guy. My therapist said we can all be happy with ourselves that we don't need others to make ourselves happy if we do, then we are codependent. Well I guess I am way codependent then. because I am lost without my ex. I don't think any therapy is going to get me to feel like I don't need her. I guess this is the fate of us codependent people.

[Mack05]

I started to go to therapy since my BU. (I never thought I would be going to therapy) I learned I am very codependent and so was my ex. In fact because she is codependent she attached herself to her new guy. My therapist said we can all be happy with ourselves that we don't need others to make ourselves happy if we do, then we are codependent. Well I guess I am way codependent then. because I am lost without my ex. I don't think any therapy is going to get me to feel like I don't need her. I guess this is the fate of us codependent people.

 

That is not true mate. If therapy doesn't work then maybe try a new therapist. If that doesn't work then maybe take a new direction. There is a lot of information on the web. We are all unique, so the right solution for one person, may not be the right solution for another.

 

The key thing is never to quit. To never give up on yourself. One of the biggest accomplishments you can achieve is finding internal happiness in yourself, after you have reached rock bottom.

 

How we view the world when we are sad and how we view the world when we are happy are two entirely different things. Positive mental attitude and a can do attitude is half the battle. When I have felt low/negative/sad in the past 12 months, four simple words snap me out of it. "I can do this.."

 

Sometimes people fall to into the abyss. They feel sorry for themselves, blame everyone else for there problems. They see only negativity around them. These people are cowards. They are lazy, afraid to do the hard work. What an enormous waste of life and potential.

 

Others drag themselves up by the boot straps. Sure there are set backs, but the desire to never quit drives them forward. The desire to lead a better life and to learn from mistakes of the past, instead of being crippled by them.

 

Codependency, Addictions, Depression, Disorders, Low Self Esteem and many other things people suffer from. Because people have shown weakness in their pasts, does that mean their futures are decided? Does that mean automatically that they are losers?. Society may judge, partners may leave you, friendships maybe lost. That doesn't mean we are cast aside and have our fates decided because of bad life choices gone by.

 

No matter what has happened in your past, no matter who your family are, your level of education, your financial situation, your age, we all have the ability to turn things around in our lives. All thats required is honesty, self belief, courage and a desire to not be beaten.

 

Is it easy? NO! But rewards are incredible. Your post above is a guy wanting to throw in the towel. People that throw in the towel are losers and cowards. Don't be either. Try picture yourself in a bar in your 60's. Numerous failed unhealthy relationships behind you. Not well groomed or dressed because you no longer really care. Having a quite beer with no one to talk to, except for the same young people who serve you and feel sorry for you. That's the life ahead for people who quit.

 

Choose better for yourself.

[drpepper1886]

I don't think any therapy is going to get me to feel like I don't need her. I guess this is the fate of us codependent people.

 

Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Until you change your thoughts and attitudes about it. This will remain true.

 

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right." ― Henry Ford

[Seeking Happiness]

I'm new on here and I think the advice you guys are giving on here is absolutely amazing!.

 

I too have such a hard time being alone. I seem to go from one really bad relationship to another, no time for myself in between. This is quite the eye opener.

 

I was with an Alcoholic who was very depressed. He was also Jealous and possessive (is your guys name Dave by any chance? lol. I couldn't help myself there.

 

This Dave guy drove me so crazy for a while. The breaking up and making up thing was horrible to say the least. I was losing weight, I couldn't eat or sleep for days.

 

I finally had the strength to return the engagement ring he gave me and I said Good Bye and walked away to never look back. I knew how unhealthy my relationship was. I had to some how see my body almost waste away to see the light.

 

Just don't let this happen to you!. When you decide to free yourself from this unhealthy relationship you will start to feel better as you will have control over your life again. It is best to take the time to allow yourself to heal from this as painful as it may be.

 

There are some good books out there that I too find very helpful and healing. I hope that you find your way through this and find the happiness that you are looking for.

Edited February 20, 2013 by Seeking Happiness

[AlisaMarie]

Wow! I was so excited to get home from work and see all the responses on this thread!!!!

 

Thank you for the heartfelt comments and advice, every word you say is taken to heart, trust me!

 

Here is some background of myself. I am a fully educated (master's degree) full time 2 job worker. Single mom, home owner, and friend to many. I have no reason to be lonely and sad. I have a good life and I am blessed! The problem? You are all right, I have some deep routed issues... whether it being from childhood or a love I can't seem to get over? I am not sure.

 

I have always seen myself as a strong woman that can do anything if I put my mind to it... relationships??? FAIL. I have been mentally abused over and over and fed the skimpiest breadcrumbs that kept me begging for more. I have never loved a man in a normal relationship, and what I thought was normal was far from. I tried therapy... nothing ever broke through. I do not find myself attracted to the guys that look good on paper. I feel a strong lust for darkness and sadness. It's sick right?

 

You are all right, it is me and my decisions. Fixing my ways will take a lot of work and effort. That spark just seems to come with drama and men that are emotionally unavailable. That spark is my drug.

 

I grew up in a home with alcoholism. I saw my mother suffer and cry and put up with the worst crap. My dad is 20 years sober, and 40 years together with mom. They love each other. Maybe I saw my mom's weakness as strength and not giving up? Maybe I just want that same fight to say "it was worth it?" My mom didn't deserve it at the time, and neither do I. But I am glad that mom and dad pulled through.

 

I do work hard, and spend most of my time being a good mom to my teenage girl... so maybe I just don't put myself out there enough to find a keeper?

[AlisaMarie]

I'm new on here and I think the advice you guys are giving on here is absolutely amazing!.

 

I too have such a hard time being alone. I seem to go from one really bad relationship to another, no time for myself in between. This is quite the eye opener.

 

I was with an Alcoholic who was very depressed. He was also Jealous and possessive (is your guys name Dave by any chance? lol. I couldn't help myself there.

 

This Dave guy drove me so crazy for a while. The breaking up and making up thing was horrible to say the least. I was losing weight, I couldn't eat or sleep for days.

 

I finally had the strength to return the engagement ring he gave me and I said Good Bye and walked away to never look back. I knew how unhealthy my relationship was. I had to some how see my body almost waste away to see the light.

 

Just don't let this happen to you!. When you decide to free yourself from this unhealthy relationship you will start to feel better as you will have control over your life again. It is best to take the time to allow yourself to heal from this as painful as it may be.

 

There are some good books out there that I too find very helpful and healing. I hope that you find your way through this and find the happiness that you are looking for.

 

ha ha, no not Dave, but does begin with a D!

[na49]

I'm pining for a girl who cheated on me to come back.

 

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT???

 

To answer your question. Yes. and I hate it.

[AlisaMarie]

Everything Geegirl has said above is spot on.

 

I am going to give you a different angle. Right now I am a bit further down the road then your current guy is, but I used to behave in the same way he does to you now. I am a sufferer of depression and this doesn't go away over night. Sometimes u want to fool yourself and convince yourself everything is ok. You do that because you want to feel 'normal' again. What tends to happen then is that you pretend the problem isn't there. By ignoring it though, you risk the chance to slip back into depression.

 

Right now he is having a battle inside and you are caught in the middle AlisaMarie. If you stay this will get more and more toxic. Right now he is in denial. Any promises he makes he simply cannot keep. There is so much more happening under the surface that he doesn't understand. You cannot trust a word he says and he will continue the pull-push behaviour, as the battle inside himself continues. I am sure you see good in him. That's because there is good in him.

 

Just because a person has good qualities does not mean they will make good partners. If he can't take care of himself, love himself then how on earth can he take care and love you? He can't. If he is exactly like me then he probably doesn't even want to be in this relationship, but he doesn't have the self esteem or inner belief to feel that he will get better. That's what pull - push behaviour usually is. You know the relationship is not right for you (because you realise your partner too is emotionally unhealthy) so you push, but then you do not want to be alone and you see the good in your partner, so you pull.

 

Have you read the book codependent no more by Melody Beattie? If you haven't, you should and read it more then once. In the book she make a reference that "emotionally healthy people don't dance with emotionally unhealthy people". If you look back over your past choices there is a Narc and now a alcoholic depressive. An emotionally healthy woman would not make these choices. Which means that you are as emotionally unhealthy as they are.

 

Until you fully resolve your personal issues these are the types of relationships you will continually end up in. Toxic, unhealthy, emotionally damaging. Just like it will take your ex years to gain full emotional health (if ever), it will take you the same length of time if you are being honest with yourself. You need to come up with a plan on how to resolve your personal problems, to fully deal with your demons gone by. This can only be done outside the confines of a relationship. I am a over year single and I could be a few more. It's not easy, but if you are honest with yourself and put in the hard work, we all have the potential of a happy future and potentially a happy healthy relationship.

 

Read the article below and ask yourself the question geegirl asked above. How much more?

 

Emotional Boundaries

 

I really wanted to thank you for speaking from the other side. It is nice to see how he may be thinking right now. You are completely right. I do feel he is using me (not on purpose) to feel some sense of normality. He has a double life though. Spending time with me, talking about marriage and kids (the fantasy) but then drinking himself sick and crying every night (the reality). He also hasn't completely let me into "his" world... after a year at that.

I have already fallen in love with him, not to mention he's been a friend for over 10 years so it's hard to just say kiss off. I just can't let him be the holder of my heart any longer.

[AlisaMarie]

I'm pining for a girl who cheated on me to come back.

 

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT???

 

To answer your question. Yes. and I hate it.

 

I don't know! I have done that too! Why? They cheated, end of story. I have taken people back after they cheated and trust me, it's never ever the same. You will be sick knowing some other guy had his hands on her and will anticipate the next time it will happen, and it will! Then you will want to cheat to get even! It is a sick cycle my friend... let it go as hard as you can.

[na49]

I don't know! I have done that too! Why? They cheated, end of story. I have taken people back after they cheated and trust me, it's never ever the same. You will be sick knowing some other guy had his hands on her and will anticipate the next time it will happen, and it will! Then you will want to cheat to get even! It is a sick cycle my friend... let it go as hard as you can.

 

When did they come back after cheating on you? It's been 4 months, I think she's dating someone new. I just miss what we had and would be willing to give her a second chance if she would just ask for it!

[McDonald]

When did they come back after cheating on you? It's been 4 months, I think she's dating someone new. I just miss what we had and would be willing to give her a second chance if she would just ask for it!

 

Exactly how I feel. Except my gf didn't cheat on me. She broke up with me before she would lol.

 

I wonder what would happen if I just message. But that will go against everything I've been telling myself lol.

[AlisaMarie]

When did they come back after cheating on you? It's been 4 months, I think she's dating someone new. I just miss what we had and would be willing to give her a second chance if she would just ask for it!

 

I think guilt brought them back. The cheaters always left me anyway because I was willing to be a doormat. You don't want her back, I promise you that.

[Seeking Happiness]

Cheaters aren't worth your time!. If I even had the idea that someone had cheated on me, much less know it for a fact. It would be a Deal Breaker and I would never look back!.

 

Cheating in a relationship is unacceptable. To go back to someone that you know cheated on you is in some way accepting that behavoir That person is more than likely going to cheat again because they got away with it. You should raise your standards and expect more from a partner.

Edited February 21, 2013 by Seeking Happiness

[mishy]

When you are going through hell, keep going.

[uglie_mq]

although it hurts really, be rational and move on with your life.

[Debbie2508]

OMG,that link Mack05 suggested on Emotional Boundaries is spot on,for me anyway. Made me feel sick reading it,I think both myself,and my ex,were perfectly described in parts.....wish I'd known about it months ago. It's got me wondering if I could've prevented the break up