Wondering if I broke up with the "love of my life"? Warning: very "TL:DR"

[music]

Hello -

 

This is very uncharacteristic of me to post personal information or ask advice on a forum - but having talked to friends, family, and therapist about this recently, I'm taking any cues that I can.

 

I will try to keep this as short as I can, but it will still be very long - definitely goes to the "TL:DR" category. I appreciate any interpretations or advice from anyone who actually reads everything.

 

 

Eight years ago, during college, I met a girl whom I fell madly, incredibly head-over-heels for. There was a bunch of drama with the get-together period of our relationship, due to her ending a relationship simultaneously and dealing with conflicting emotions.

 

We started dating about 5 months before I went out of the country for 1 year to study abroad. These 5 months were incredible, and we were both in love with each other - however we often fought, intensely and passionately - nothing abusive or physical, but we would argue a lot. Most of our interests and thoughts were practically identical - we could just look at each other in a certain way, and completely lose it in laughter, because we understood each other so well. She was incredibly intelligent, extremely curious, and always had an open-mind - she was like an open page, which had to be written on by experiencing everything life had to offer. In addition, she was beautiful, and extremely passionate, and to say that we "enjoyed" to be together is a massive understatement - we couldn't imagine not being together.

 

The arguing, jealousy, and mistrust increased while we continued dating long-distance during my year abroad. I never cheated on her, nor do I think she on me, but she often accused me of such, and of not remaining in touch, which I am sure is fair, as I tend to be aloof and incommunicative of my feelings. We never "fell out of love", we always remained very much emotionally invested in each other. She came to visit for about 1 month, and it was both massively enjoyable, and stressing - as our fighting and arguing still continued.

 

After she left, there came a period of about 2 months, where she suddenly cut off all contact with me - unfortunately, these were the 2 months immediately prior to me moving back to the United States, and I had been planning on moving to her city for the sole reason of being close to her - otherwise, the move didn't make sense educationally, economically, or socially.

 

Because I didn't hear from her, at all, for the 2 months leading up to my move back to the US, I realized that there was no way I could potentially sacrifice my professional future for such an iffy proposition as "staying with a girlfriend who rightly finds me to be aloof, whom then decides to drop off the face of the planet for 2 months to spite me".

 

I am in a field that I am extremely passionate about, and also substantially talented in - and the field so competitive that I could not bring myself to sacrifice my future in it, for the off chance that we would end up being together "forever". When I moved back to the US and finally reached my girlfriend, she acted like nothing had happened, and was extremely shocked to hear that I was not going to be moving to her city, and was going to a school in a different state instead. She was absolutely floored, absolutely destroyed - and to be honest it was not easy for me either, as up until then, I had never loved anyone nearly as much as her. It took her a very long time to get over the breakup - at least I assume she is over it by now, but I actually don't know that for a fact.

 

My feelings for her at the time of the breakup were: anger, at her cutting off all contact from me with no explanation. Sadness, at the fact that I still loved this girl, but could not / would not sacrifice my professional future for her, especially given the fluctuating and unstable nature of our relationship. And relief: getting involved with this girl in the first place had taken an IMMENSE emotional toll on me, and I had sacrificed all other goals and aspirations in the pursuit of her. Now that I had broken up from her, I knew that I could focus on MY goals, success, and path.

 

I continue receiving occasional emotional texts and phone calls from this girl, for around 3-4 years after the breakup. These contacts are not solely her doing - I often unfairly solicit them, as I like to talk to her about certain things - and for other reasons that I am not yet aware of, I just like to talk to her.

 

6 years go by total - with this girl and I occasionally talking. I've been through the best schools for my career in the world, and I've been slowly but surely making a career which not many in my field can have - I am incredibly personally satisfied. However, during the past 6 years, I have dated many women (around 15), all of whom I have enjoyed being with, but NONE have I ever come close to being "in love" with, and I have broken up with all of them within 3 months. They all end up lacking something, in my mind, but I was never sure what - and recently, I am beginning to suspect that they lack everything that this "one girl" from 6 years ago had. With all the women I date, I end up quickly getting claustrophobic, and I feel like I HAVE to "get out", which I do.

 

My contact with "this girl" has waned in the past 1 year. I think she is in a somewhat serious relationship, although I'm not sure, because we don't have any of the same friends anymore, nor do I "FB stalk" because I don't have FB She doesn't text me like she used to, although occasionally, perhaps 1x per month, and its usually quite aloof. I am glad of this, because I do not want her to be sad, and still be "stuck" on me, which was the case for far too many years after our break-up.

 

But now I am wondering if I've made a mistake, since I am completely unable to ever be emotionally, physically, or spiritually satisfied with anyone else I meet. I have always thought about her regularly since we broke up, and for the six months, its been in an increasingly favorable light - I realize that I was not mature enough to date her 6 years ago, but think that maybe now that maturity has started to arrive, I am realizing that what we had was actually extremely rare and special.

 

Basically, did I f&%! up big-time?

 

 

 

 

 

That was so long and stupid and boring - I'm sorry for that - but if anyone has any opinions or advice, I'd be interested in hearing them.

[Frank13]

It wasn't long, stupid, or boring. I think you summed it up well.

 

Congratulations on pursuing your career path. Sounds like you are doing great.

 

I don't think you messed up. At the time you split, you needed to be apart.

 

However, now maybe you two can start fresh. You both have grown and you feel she might be the one for you. I would start texting her and try to see where she is at. Maybe gradually hint that you would like to try again.

 

You don't know if she is in a relationship. Maybe she is but maybe it is not serious. Maybe it is just to have someone but she would still choose you if she knew you wanted to get back together.

[music]

Cool. Thanks a lot for the opinion.

[SharkTooth]

Yeah, congrats on the career! As far her, I assume you are still over seas or very far away from her? If that is the case, why not put a trip together in her city. Do your homework and get flight days/times, cool stuff to do, hotel info, etc. Once you have that all together, hit her up and tell her you are seriously thinking of taking a trip to her part of the world and you'd love to see her and catch up. Suggest a restaurant you've researched, or a park, or whatever. You'll find out real quick where her thoughts are about you. Personally, I'd do it on the phone so you get some sort of emotion from the conversation. If you get the positive vibz, you've already got all the info and could book it very fast.

 

I mean really, you, me, and everyone else is only here on this planet for a short time. Nothing ventured, Nothing gained! You sound like you have sort of lived by that rule and it's a good one. Go for it! Put yourself all in and you'll finally know the ending of the story.