who knows Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Hi, So I would really like some advice and insight on my recent dating situation. I started dating a guy back in the beginning of January. First, We have known each other for about a year from running into each other at work and chatting a bit, but he didn't ask my out until January. Since he asked me out we have seen each other about once a week all by his initiation. First couple of dates were just getting to know each other, then on the 3rd date he told me he is attracted to me, and wants to be cautious and take things slowly. We kissed that night and it was hot. Since then we have continued to talk or mostly text a little every day, and been on a date on the weekends where we have progressively gotten more physical. A couple of weeks ago we spent then whole day and night together and we slept together for the first time. Since then we have continued to talk or text each day but the dates are still spread out to once a week, and the last time we got together I cooked for him, and we hung out and fooled around and talked and both agreed not to have sex because there's no rush (his words). He is a shy and private person who has been hurt and doesn't open up to a lot of people. He's very giggly around me, and seems a bit intimidated, at least until things get physical, then he's quite confident. He has shared with me some personal things, but still keeps me at arms length, and I feel myself wanting to be with him more often, but feel as though he's not feeling the same thing. It's obvious to me that he's still trying to keep things at a slow pace, or maybe even a slower pace. I'm not hearing from him as often, and he doesn't seem as anxious to make dates. It could be all in my head, but I'm a strong believer in instincts, and my instincts tell me something is wrong. Meanwhile, now I'm trying to just leave him alone, allow him his space, and not come on so strong anymore (I think I was starting to act like a girlfriend or something) and hope that I didn't screw things up. Why would a guy want to take things slow? How should I handle things so I don't scare him off by getting too serious? I know I sound like a kid, even though I'm an experienced woman in her mid 30's, but I feel so insecure all of a sudden, and just want to get a clue about a guy like this from a guys perspective. If you need more info from me please let me know. I didn't want to add too much and lose you in my story. Thank you for listening.
ls32ssibm Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Sounds to me like he isn't all the interested or may be seeing someone else. That's how I'd behave if I felt that way anyway.
Keenly Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 What it sounds like to me is that, according to your story, you have initiated zero dates. He has made every one according to you... it's possible he sees your "lack of effort " and takes that personally.
Author who knows Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 What it sounds like to me is that, according to your story, you have initiated zero dates. He has made every one according to you... it's possible he sees your "lack of effort " and takes that personally. Well he did the initiating at first, but Ive stepped up, and asked him over on this last one. Ive also invited him over other times, and hes turned me down, so I doubt that he thinks Im not interwted. It actually seemed better when hhe did the initiating....
Author who knows Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Sounds to me like he isn't all the interested or may be seeing someone else. That's how I'd behave if I felt that way anyway. This is what Im afraid of, so what should I do? Just write him off? Back off and see what he does? Ask him?
SJC2008 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Have yall talked about prior relationships? How many dates, including going to eachothers place, have yall been on?
Author who knows Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 Have yall talked about prior relationships? How many dates, including going to eachothers place, have yall been on? Yes we've talked about past relationships, but haven't gone into too much detail. We've gone on about 8 or 9 dates total....
Keenly Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Exactly WHAT part of, "the last time we got together I cooked for him, and we hung out and fooled around....." did you not comprehend? the entire first half of the post... You know, the part that says they have been dating for almost 2 months, "all by his initiation " Just because she cooked him dinner, does not translate to "she asked him out" it was not made explicitly clear and we have to go on the one post we had at the time.
Emilia Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I agree with Keenly. He thinks you are not interested because he has been initiating all along and once he gets uncertain, you withdraw. I'm assuming you haven't initiated getting to see each other more than once a week. Would you say OP that you have commitment issues?
Author who knows Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 I agree with Keenly. He thinks you are not interested because he has been initiating all along and once he gets uncertain, you withdraw. I'm assuming you haven't initiated getting to see each other more than once a week. Would you say OP that you have commitment issues? I have asked him to do things during the week a little, and he's generally been too busy (has 2 jobs). I've invited him over once after the first time he spent the night, and he said he needed the night to himself to kind of reflect, let it all sink in (it was an intense night). He had asked if I was ok with it, and I said yes of course. It's been a couple of weeks since he asked me out, and this last date was my inviting him over for dinner, and he accepted. Since then he texted me a goodmorning beautiful, and have a good day, and we wrote back and forth a bit, and the next day some random work stuff, but nothing yesterday, and that is unusual for him. I don't know if I should text him, or just give him some space... No I don't think I have commitment issues. I want a relationship. I just wanted to be chased in the beginning, so I let him do the work, as time progressed, I've done more initiating, and he's backed off...
Emilia Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 No I don't think I have commitment issues. I want a relationship. I just wanted to be chased in the beginning, so I let him do the work, as time progressed, I've done more initiating, and he's backed off... Ok, it sounded from your original post that he was doing all the work. I think you should ask him.
RebelWithoutACause Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 OP, it sounds as though he's keeping you at arm's length and doesn't want to 'cross the line' and have sex with you because sex always chnages everything The OP seems to be under the impression that they've already had sex a couple of weeks ago. So too late for that. OP, sounds like this guy is interested, but only marginally interested. Not crazy fireworks interested, just kinda "ok" with hanging out with you. Maybe he just takes time to open up in relationships, maybe he's really, very laid back character, maybe he's not that into you. It could be anything. You're doing the right thing by taking a step back and giving him space. Watch what he does next and act accordingly.
Author who knows Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 You're doing the right thing by taking a step back and giving him space. Watch what he does next and act accordingly. Thank you, I didn't hear from him yesterday, so today I did send him a text just to say hi, and wishing him a good day. He wrote back right away saying basically the same thing back to me. I know I need to give him space, but just wanted to break the ice and be light and friendly so he knows I'm not upset or weird about not hearing from him. I'll leave it at that, I hope that communication wasn't impeding on his space? I know you're right about him taking his time getting into relationships. It is possible that he's just not that into me, and I'll accept that if it's the case....I guess I will just get on with life, hope for the best and see what happens. Dating is tough, I notice that when things are going amazing as they were, we get close and excited, then we sleep together, and then we both freak out a little bit. That's kind of what seems like what happened. Now I don't know what to do except do nothing and wait....
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