czen Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I was having a discussion with a friend of mine a few days back about leaving your SO when you start developing feelings for another person. We both agreed that when you're in a marriage, especially when you have kids, that you should try to ignore that person and devote that attention to your spouse. And that when you're already starting to get feelings for somebody else really soon in the relationship, then you know that things might better be over. But what when you're in a relative long relationship? What should you do with those feelings for this other person then? just ignore them and believe its just an effect of the Grass is Greener Syndrome and it's just because the 'in love' feeling waning in your current relationship, or do you listen to that seed of doubt and leave your loved one to see if somebody else indeed better fits you? I'm curious to hear your opinions.
drpepper1886 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 (edited) The grass is greener where you water it. As long as you share core values, some common interests, goals, and there is some attraction (attraction can come and go as well, it takes work). I believe if both people are on the same page of what a relationship means to them. It can work for life with anyone. A research group from the Heriot-Watt University found that many people have a “warped sense of the perfect relationship” and “unrealistic expectations from their romantic partner.” They concluded that they got these unrealistic expectations from Hollywood love stories. These movies have us longing for a Cinderella or Prince Charming who will sweep us off our feet and make us happier than we have ever been. But can we really expect our partners to make us happy? Is that even fair to them? Edited February 19, 2013 by drpepper1886
creighton0123 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Feelings you develop for another person are typically nothing more than infatuation. I think some people have this misguided notion that when you fall in love and are in a long term relationship, whether or not marriage occurs, that relationship will be burning hot and bright for the remainder of their days together. That's simply not how humans react to the ultra-familiar. A minor crush or infatuation with a third party occurs, but why would one risk something that brings them so much peace, joy, and tranquility for a moment of fleeting warm fuzzies? In my opinion, a long-term partner is a best friend first and a lover second. The best friend component usually rarely fades. The lover component, however, ebbs and flows based on the maturity, physical stamina, and chemistry of the couple involved. Love transforms. I find that in most relationships that end, people end it because they see a transformation and perceive it as something bad. I hear it all the time. "I don't have the feelings for you that I once had." When that happens, whether to me or someone else, all I can think is "You're so stupid. You don't have the feelings you once had, but you still have the feelings that you're supposed to." I feel romantic novels, love songs, and romance movies have led us to believe that the ultimate goal is hot romance and unwavering love for ever and ever and ever... when these sources fail to paint an accurate picture of what life-long love really looks like. 4
drpepper1886 Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I completely agree with you creighton0123. My girlfriend left me partially because she thought we lost our passion after almost 3 years. She would say "You were the only person I ever truly loved and I still don't know how to cope with losing my best friend." She has a very skewed view of what a relationship is, her father has been married 5 times and mother engaged 7 so she is not to blame. She hasn't matured enough to realize what true love really is on her own. I've been NC except for 1 email since the breakup 5 months ago because I know this is a personal issue she'll have to work through herself that she may never realize and there is no point in waiting around for that, as much as it hurts to do so.
creighton0123 Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 DP, It's entirely true. Everyone has this preconceived notion that the same passion you start the relationship with persists. I will say that the level of passion does persist, but it also transforms from hot emotion to passive familiarity (with moments of hot emotion). I have been both prey and victim of this. In a past relationship when I was 23, I ended the relationship because I wasn't happy anymore. After reflecting on it a year later, I realized said unhappiness was self-inflicted and had nothing to do with the person I was seeing. In my last breakup, I experienced a repeat of what I did to someone else done against me. I learned six years ago that love transforms and is beautiful whether it is hot or cold. The best romantic relationship I know - that between my mother and father - has endured almost 40 years now and has nothing to do with sex and hot passion because my mother is physically incapable of that (genetic medical condition). They are, however, one another's closest friends and lovers who have had to transform said love beyond expression through physical, sexual intimacy.
Author czen Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 Yeah, I think you are right, it just takes a while before people are mature enough to realize that that passion is not what true love is, but that it is the bond of trust and intimacy and knowing that the other person will always be there for you, and that you always want to be there for them as well. But I get that it takes a while for people to realize that. The whole 'in love' feeling really makes you go happy because of all the chemicals produced and the newness of the situation. Which is why I get why a lot of people say finding 'the One' isn't all about the person, it's also a lot about the timing.
drpepper1886 Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 czen: read the book "The Road Less Traveled" by Dr Scott M. Peck. It goes in to very detailed description about a lot of this stuff from a psychotherapist's point of view.
Njeanne Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Those feelings aren't love. It's Infatuation and lust, that's why most of the dumpers return back to the dumpee because they realise they aren't in love. So don't make that mistake.
Author czen Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 czen: read the book "The Road Less Traveled" by Dr Scott M. Peck. It goes in to very detailed description about a lot of this stuff from a psychotherapist's point of view. That sounds like an interesting read, thanks for the tip. I think I'll order it.
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