Unsure how how to handle this situation/break up

[atmybest84]

I’m struggling on how to handle a recent break up with a person who works in a similar accounting firm as me. We have been been bf/gf for over a year and 3 months. We ended things around a month ago, but still kept in contact (dumb idea, I know).

 

It started as an innocent friendship, in fact, I had never really talked to this person as we work in a different office most days of the week, but we started working on financial projects together and she has a reputation of being a nice person with my other co-workers. She was very sweet, nice and treated me well in a world where not everyone is like that. As things progressed, we started going to coffee when she would work in our office and I found her attractive. She started saying all the right things and there was obviously a mutual attraction. Eventually we started going on dates and talking more at work. We decided it wasn’t appropriate to be using work time to pursue our relationship and started talking outside of work.

Months later she asked me to be in a serious committed relationship with her. I was excited because she seemed like such a upstanding, kind, moral person. Although we can be very different (I’m an social extrovert (sports teams, mentoring and she is more of the classic introvert, reads, keeps to herself, very few personal friendships that I am aware of) we also had a lot of things in common. She’s very intelligent, educated, seemed to be very nice and empathetic, sending me cute emails and jokes and constantly calling and texting me in the evenings. We always made sure to keep work contact professional and minimal because we both care about our jobs although she is more particular about it than I am (same job, same stress, just handles it differently). She also has a higher education level which is very much a part of her identity. I am educated and love my job, but the most important things in my life are my family and relationships. I have very close personal friends and am somewhat of a “rock” to my two brothers, two sisters and mother and father and never moved out of state in case something ever happened to them.

 

Now here’s where it starts to get weird. The first red flag was that I found out that she was involved with a senior married man (MM) at her previous employer. Luckily she found a new job not long after this happened. This was totally out of her moral character or at least what I knew of it. She said it was more of an EA that never turned to a PA (probably trickle truth) and that she ended it before things got out of hand. I know he was a rank above her and she is rather obsessive about her career so I assumed she was more enamored by his status and somewhat vulnerable. She said she ended things with him a while back and has had no contact with him so that was somewhat acceptable to me. As things progressed with us, the more intimate we became the more distant she would be for periods of time. We would become very close, spending weekends together, staying across town at her place and vice versa, and all the things boyfriends and girlfriends do together. Every time we grew closer, she would have episodes and become distant. I knew she suffered from depression and ocd and she told me the episodes had nothing to do with me and that she was still wanted to be a relationship with me and that I had nothing to worry about. Eventually I learned of uncontrollable bouts of crying, pushing and pulling, and her infactuation of me (building me up in her mind) turned to finding all of my flaws albeit small and making them into huge deals. One time she became upset because I said I didn’t like a certain movie that she loved and she would start putting me down because of our differences. She knew we had differences in lifestyles when we met and said that she thought we complemented each other, but all of a sudden these differences because a huge deal to her. We would work through them, and as soon as intimacy started again, she would be back to be cold and distant, and then back to intimacy, and then back to coldness again. I also learned of other weird conflicts she had with coworkers at her branch of the office in which she was always the victim. These conflicts seemed minor, but they were huge to her. Then came the demands. Don’t say this, don’t do this around me, don’t send me this, don’t talk to this person, this makes me uncomfortable (small insignificant things that added up over time). These were major red flags in my book, but love is blinding and I was developing feelings for her.

 

I worked as hard as I could to make her feel loved and appreciated, but eventually I was losing my dignity doing it. All of a sudden I was clingy and needy (which is odd because she always initiated contacted) and the cute texting and emails became too much for her. She even had the nerve to ask me if she could call the xMM as a reference for new job. I almost feel over at my desk when she asked me! I have no problem with being in contact with ex’s but this man has 3 grown children and a new wife and didn’t think it was respectful to “play with fire” like that. She also started talking a lot about someone else in the same office and asking going to lunch with him. Being somewhat a veteran dater, I knew that the distance usually means that she was no longer attracted, seeing someone else, or something else was going on her life I did not now about. I asked her about either or and she assured me that wasn’t the case. It would be cold one minute and the next I would receive an email about how wonderful I am and how she didn’t want to lose me or break up.

 

I could tell this this was not going to stop and so I had to end the highs and lows. I had a break-up with a fiancé some years back and went to counseling offered through our city’s wellness program. I became a better person doing it and have worked hard on myself to be better in relationships. I really tried hard not to make the same mistakes I made before in past failed experiences and put my best foot forward. Any discussion we had of our issues was a fight to her and not a discussion. I always tried not to attack her and let her speak and tell me how she feels and discuss ways that we could communicate better and what we could do to remedy the situation. At the same time, I couldn’t help but feel she really wasn’t willing to work on of these things and accused me of trying to change her. I wasn’t trying to change her, just make our relationship more positive. I had made positive changes in my life for the relationship (not taking risks talking to other women who were attracted to me, being there for her when she needed me, learning her communication style and trying to accommodate that).

 

At this point things are done. To me it feels like I was in an abusive relationship. There was very little I wouldn’t do except give up who I am as a person (my likes, dislikes, taste in culture, books, movies, hobbies) because I wouldn’t ask her to do that. The truth is I feel like there really was no way to “win” her back. She was pushing me to be a bad guy to make it easier to become the victim in the relationship. It almost seems upsetting that I wouldn’t be mean or abusive to her. She started resenting the fact that I was a decent person, but I am still not wet blanket and would not lose my self-respect. Now I feel stuck in a loop. I cared about her and grew attached to her, but I can’t allow her to treat me like crap. Luckily we don’t have to see each other much through work although we do work together a few times a week when she has to stop by. I feel guilty and ashamed I allowed someone to treat me this way and still tried to work it out. At the same time, I don’t want to lose my empathy and willingness to work with my next partner. Any advice or insight on my situation would greatly help.

Edited February 19, 2013 by atmybest84

[atmybest84]

Update: We decided to give it another shot. NC works ya'll. Listen to Tara. I finally unblocked her from facebook and within a day she called apologized and we are moveing on. Not sure I can commit in the same fashion as before but at least I don't have to creep around work worrying Im going to run into her. The best news is that she actually got an interview for the job she was referencing so I may not even have to deal her being at my job much longer! Kids NC workeeeeeee!

[TaraMaiden]

One:

 

You never went NC.

 

You admit yourself you've been broken up a month but still been in touch, so that's misleading for a start.

 

Two:

See you soon, when it all goes pear-shaped.....

 

as it will.

Because as far as I can see, the only thing that HAS changed, is her job status.

You posted a 7, long-paragraph post about how you felt you were in an abusive relationship, from which you did not detach, even post- break-up, and then you post a 4-line update, saying you've made up....?

 

You can see how that looks - can't you?

 

As for her apology.... Words are cheap, and actions speak louder.

 

It's ok.

we can wait, hun, we'll still be here.....

 

Because whatever you've decided to do - you've gone the wrong way about it.