I think I completely screwed this up.....what do you guys think...?

September 1, 2004

AGH!

Well. I guess I screwed it things up....I think I moved way too fast...and the guy I had strong feelings for....got scared. Mannnnn..do I feel sad, and stupid....not to mention embarassed.

So..basically....this guy D pursued me for a few weeks (this started back in May). He's a friend of a friend....and we met thru Friendster. I emailed him cos I thought his profile was funny, never really expecting he'd write back. He did...and he must've been really impressed w/ my profile, b/c he pretty much kept asking to hang out with me since day 1. (oh...if any of this puts things into perspective...i'm 27..he's 30...and he lives about an hour away). Well...i kept saying no thanks.....b/c I didn't even know the guy! After a few weeks...I finally agreed to meet with him, but with a couple of my friends present...so it wasn't really a 'date'.

Well....we hit it off..and we hung out a few times after that. The more I got to know him.....the more I developed feelings for him.

He never did or said anything that lead me to believe he was not interested in me. In fact...he initiated all the physical stuff....but was always respectful.

I told him I was interested in seeing him more. And...I tesxt-messaged him a couple times saying I was thinking of him. dooooom!! I think this might've been when he got scared.

I was clueless, cos I'm always an honest and up-front person. But....ugh...I think I said it too soon. but..what was I supposed to do..? gosh...i feel like an idiot. The text-messages....I honestly didn't think t hose were a big deal! my friends and I text message eachother all the time.....i guess I'm just used to that. We'll text message just to say hi, esp when one of us can't talk on the phone, but wanna let our friends know we're thinking of them. Is that wrong that I did that to him? But....that scared him..?! i dunno man....it seems harmless to me.

After that.....he called me less....and now we haven't seen eachother in a couple months..altho have emailed and talked on the phone. I felt really bad....but honestly didn't think I'd done anything wrong by just saying i was interested.

He made a couple dates to come see me....but both times something came up.

I finally asked him over the weekend....that i'd been getting mixed signals. He pursued me to no end.....then when I finally told him I was interested...he tells me he can't make a commitment....that his life is too complicated right now....that he's only in a ' dating mode'.

I said...yeah...i mean, i like you, and i dunno what I want exactly, but I still dont know what happened. He gave the 'its not you..its me' speech....along with the 'you are a great girl, a sweet girl..and i love hanging otu with you as a friend' speech.

UGHHH...what am i supposed to think? Gosh...if he had just TOLD me he was only interested in friendship at the start.....I could've gladly obliged. i wasn't looking for anything when I met him...and just was excited to meet new friends in the area. I was taken back when he was pursuant, and kissed me first.......that time and every other time. So..naturally..I developed feelings.

Now...i feel as if we'll never know if this would've worked or not. Timing sucks! I still have feelings for him.....i just wish I could take back my words and my actions and not scared him away....I really enjoyed his company, and really liked him a lot. At the same time.....i dunno what exactly I did. :-(

any advice...??

September 1, 2004

i understand u. . ... u came on to him too strong too soon, with the feelings and stuff about dating. he probably just wanted physical stuff with u. believe it or not, guy act that way. but adleast in the future he will come back to u. i bet... now if it were the other way around the girl would probably call the cops on a guy and stuff, the usual. she would run and never come back. **** happens.. ill talk to u though, u can ne-mail me beautiful. im not from baltimore. what part of the north east r u from.? get back to me if u want

thanx,

vicious

September 1, 2004

thanks for the replies..and compliments. i live near philly.

anyways....i wonder if I lay low for a while and not call or e-mail him, that might give him some time to think about it, and he'll come back to me...?

uh. wishful thinking, i know.

i guess i really liked him, and I wish he didn't get so scared away. sigh.

September 1, 2004

Hey!! Hold your head up and "chaulk" this one up to experience...he may come back around - maybe?? If not you didn't want to be his "call" girl anyway or did you??

We've all made the mistake before of moving too fast and you will learn to put it on "cruise control" until the time is right to reveal how you feel.

Don't beat yourself up there's more where he came from.

September 1, 2004

i guess i fell in love too soon, too hard. I dunno why.....something stupid in me thought 'he was the one'.

i'm sure there are other guys like him.......but for some reason at this point, it doesn't seem possible.

but....on the other hand, i know thats not true.

i guess its too soon to feel good about it either way.......ugh.

September 1, 2004

I was in your position a few months back. After a month or two, I brought up the status of our relationship. He wasn't ready for a gf but still wanted to date. I told him I couldn't continue to date a guy who wasn't sure if he wanted to be committed to me as a bf, after 2 months. So, I ended it and we were still friends but didn't hang out as much.

After going back and forth about whether to be friends or more than friends for a couple of months, we are finally going out again. It's been a continuous 3 months now. A week before we got "back together", he said he just wanted to be friends. We hung out, but didn't hug or kiss or sleep together or bringing up any relationship talk. But, we both could tell that we wanted to be together. So, after the end of the short week of being just friends, he asked if I wanted to start dating again. I asked him if he was sure this is what he wanted because I didn't want to go back and forth about us dating/not dating. He said he was sure. He took me out on a date the following night and have been dating since then.

In another thread, I was concerned with his lack of committment to being called my bf. It's been 3 months, but I won't try to scare him off again by pursuing the issue. I asked once and even told him I loved him at one point (he didn't say it back), but he's still around. So, I'm positive (after reading advice on this site) that he'll eventually come around to being called my bf. Heck, we're doing a lot of bf/gf things already anyway!

I'm hoping your guy will come around. If he pursued you first, but backed off when you expressed your feelings for him, he might just be a committment phobe. It's difficult to date guys like this if you're used to expressing your feelings without hesitation and embarrassment (with previous guys you've dated). I've been there.

Ask him if he wants to continue dating you, no strings attached. Of course, with the strong feelings you have for him, you have to be comfortable with him seeing other girls. Then, maybe, just maybe he'll come around. If not, I'd cut all ties with him and seek other opportunities.

September 1, 2004

hmmm...ur posting brightens up my day a bit.

I guess i won't keep my hopes up though. I told him i'd be friends with him eventually i think....but

not sure right now, b/c I still had feelings for him, and I'd have to get rid of those first....cos

at this point if I saw him w/ another girl....then i wouldn't feel very good.

I also told him......if he'd just told me he wanted to be friends at first....i could've obliged...cos i wasn't

really looking for more than that when we first met.

then...he had to kiss me that first time. ugh. retrospectively......wish he hadn't :-(

I emailed him all this (cos he emailed me asking if we could still be friends...).

NOt sure how he'll percieve this email.......ugh, maybe i shouldn't have said all this to him. I dunno.

Who knows if he'll ever write back.

At this point...i just want to concentrate on myself...and do fun things. My heart kinda aches....but I gotta

get outta this rut.

September 1, 2004

Yes! That's what you need to do first and foremost is take care of Number One! Whether or not you want to stay single for now, other guys will pick up on your confidence, happiness, etc and you'll have guys asking you out left and right!

September 2, 2004

i guess ur right.

i wish i could just stop thinking about him. he was my ideal guy...hehe. sigh.

wonder i'll meet someone else who had all the qualities he had, and more!!

my biggest fear is that i won't meet someone who i'm happy with like i was when i was around him.

September 3, 2004

I think that he got scared. i don't know, i am going through the same thing and this is what some of the experienced women told me. Your first mistake is that you told him about your feelings before he had the chance to tell you about his. Now he got in touch with his feelings and he backed off, probably because he's been hurt in the past. Now, everything is up to you. My advice is not to call for at least 2 weeks after he answers your e-mail (or don't e-mail him if you two are not talking over the phone right now). This way he will have a chance to miss and find out how much he really cares for you. I think that he does, because he was interested at first and then you told him how you feel (which was a big mistake). When you guys get to talk again, don't tell him about your feelings, but be cool and make him think that he can't have you just like that. Make him fight for you. Eventually, he will understand how much he cares about you and that he made a mistake because of some past experience where he got hurt. Good Luck!

September 3, 2004

thanks so much for your advice. Yes...right now i'm going to stop talking to him and emailing for a while....I really hope he DOES miss talking to me, thats the thing. what if he doesn't?

I can only wish and hope.

I know he DOES want to be friends...but I told him I couldn't do that right now. Ugh.

You are right....i so wish I hadn't told him my feelings so soon. what was I thinking?!?! ugh ughhhh.

I don't wanna beat myself up over it...but i can't help but thinking if I hadn't said anything, he wouldn't have

gotten scared :-(

Making me think about that makes me sick. B/c....he was really a wonderful guy...u know?

So, what are you going through Earthangel..? Have u gotten back together with your guy yet...?

Keep me posted...I'd like to see what others in my situation are doing, and if anything's working out for them.

September 3, 2004

Try not to beat yourself up over this. For some reason, maybe unknown to you, you told him how you felt, you took a chance. If the guy really liked you he could have said straight up "Hey, I understand how you feel, however, I am not ready for a relationship" He didn't do that. So maybe he didn't have so many great qualities as you think. Love can be blind.

You may never know the reason for why it happened this way. Or you may wake up tomorrow and say that's why. The best thing you can do for yourself, is figure out what you took from the situation and how you can use it in your future. Everything we go thru the good and the bad, we all get something from it, we may not see it at first, but sooner or later we will figure it out. That is how we grow. You will never learn without mistakes, they are the biggest things we learn from. I really don't think you made a mistake. As I said, if he was this person, that you saw how you did, I truly believe he would have said lets take this slow. Not back away from you all together. That is shallow. Communication and Honesty are awesome qualities and you could have still hung out. I think it was an excuse maybe he wanted to be friends with benefits. I don't know, I know you are hurting and I feel for you. Take Care of yourself.

September 3, 2004

Ugh. yea. i'm hurtin. well. i'm gonna go get under the covers and crawl into a hole now.

September 3, 2004

First of all, I don't know what kind of experience he had in the past. Did he ever talk to you about that? If he did, tell me what he said and why those relationships failed. WHen I get that information, I can give you an answer. One more thing, tell how he was with you when you were together. What did he say? Oh yes, one more thing. How long did it pass before he ended his last relationship? Give me as many details as you can.

As for my guy, we also met on the Internet. He liked what I wrote and wanted to continue talking to me. I don't know. It's weird what happened. I could've sworn that he liked by the things he said. He didn't say it directly,but you can tell a lot from let's say when he says, you don't call meaning that he wants you to call, meaning that he is interested.

One more thing, just as emra said - to back away from something and not even try is immature. He could have at least done that, right? Take things slow and try with you, but he didn't. That tells me that he probably cares because now he is in touch with his feelings and doesn't want to get hurt again. He probably thinks that it's better to end everything now than for you to leave him in the future. He also wants to stay in touch, so I think that there is something. He asked you if you two can be friends, right?

September 5, 2004

If it was just a matter of initial shock, he'll get over it. I'd say the main reasons a guy gets put off by a woman displaying love symptoms, if they've been seeing each other, are:

1) Inexperience - If you haven't been through it before, women can be kind of scary when they get going, and it takes some time to learn what's normal.

2) Not really romantically interested - 'Nuff said.

3) Hoping for a casual hook up - This often overlaps with 2), since many guys, even if they aren't terribly interested in a woman, will maintain a usually unrealistic hope that she just wants casual sex.

4) Emotional wishy-washiness - Doesn't know what he wants, can't face the spectre of Possible Committment.

You're in the clear if it's #1, but that's more unlikely in a 30 year old. I'd guess #3 or #4.

I think in any case, you probably didn't screw anything up. Speaking for myself at least, I've never felt particulary put off when a woman I was interested in moved too fast.

September 6, 2004

I agree with Erma. Dont beat yourself up over this. I might be wrong, but Im guessing things might have turned out this way whether you had text messaged him or not. He just sounds like hes looking for more casual things than you are right now.

September 7, 2004

thank you all in replying to me....I really appreciate it.

I haven't had any contact with him for more than a week.......(the ball is in my court now, since he was the last person to respond to the emails, I WANT things to just get better, and get back to how they were before....but I don't know what to write or say to him w/o making things worse!).

Yes..the last thing he said was that he wanted to be my friend. He also said that he'd been in a 'dating mode' and hoped that things would have gone a lot smoother. I guess that's why I was feeling bad that I messed that up by telling him my feelings too soon, w/o knowing how he felt.

As far as his past relationship goes.....I know he was in a relationship last year with a girl. He didn't tell me any details...but then again, I never told him any details about any of my past relationships either. I guess the time we did spend with eachother, we wanted to concentrate on the present ....as in what our interests were...what our families are like....what we thought about certain issues...what we thought about certain friends in our lives.

We were concentrating on the 'now'.....not the 'yesterdays' or the 'tomorrows'.

We only briefly mentioned past relationships...like it would come up in conversation while talking about something else. As in....'oh yeah, my exboyfriend used to play in a band.......he got me into appreicating diff kinds of music that i wouldn't have normally listened to....what type of music appeals to you?'. etc. Stuff like that. So....its not like we talked ABOUT the relationships in detail....would just mention little tidbits here and there that would reveal more about our personalities and interests w/o putting the focus on the past loves.

Make sense..? I guess in retrospect, we never got that far into the 'relationship' yet to talk about past relationships in great detail. Although....I do remember once when we were talking about inter-racial relationships in general (he's Italian, and I'm Indian)...he told me he once had an Indian girlfriend in college who cheated on him a couple times with other Indian guys. So....he was kinda worried that she would do that to him over and over again, and he couldn't take that much longer, and ended up breaking things off with her.

He said he knew how strong the Indian community can be.....we're always going to cultural events, meeting and mingling with other young first generation Indians....(something a lot of Indian families do in the US, in an attempt to preserve the knowledge we have of our culture). He thought in his ex-girlfriend's case, it was easy for her to get tempted in those situations.

I'm thinking this might be one reason why he's worried...? I know I would never cheat on him.....even thought I do enjoy meeting other Indians and learning more of my own culture....once I'm with a guy (of any ethnic background!)...I know myself enough to know that no OTHER guy (of any ethnic background!) can make me want to cheat on him!

but I can't exactly tell him that now since we're on a 'hiatus' from dating/friendship. Plus, I don't even know if that's the reason.....

When you think about it....Italians are very similar to Indians...very close to their familes and culture. Its not THAT much different! I know that's one reason we were both attracted to eachother in the first place.

uhh. you are all right I guess...could be any number of things. I feel even more confused now than I did before.

Althought...you've all told me its not my fault...so I do feel a LOT better about that. Maybe it IS him and not me. I just wish i KNEW what it was about him that made him run...instead of just speculating about it!

But....i don't think i'll ever get that answer from him unless some miracle occurs.

Even after all this......hehe..just wishing some miracle occurs and he magically professes his love for me. Ok......sorry, i'm allowed to dream aren't I? (i watched a buncha chick-flick movies over the weekend..can you blame me?)

I'm just a girl...who likes a guy....who wants to be with him. That's all it is when it comes down to it. sigh!

September 7, 2004