New2Love4Now Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 My ex and I didn't end on very good terms. The last time I contacted her I got ignored but it's because I sent some extremely stupid text messages to her and I understand why she didn't reply. That was about 3 weeks ago and I want to send her a message apologizing for some things that I feel bad about. She was very nice to me throughout the whole begging and pleading process but I was extremely selfish and took it too far. I want to apologize for being selfish and immature and just explain that I never meant to hurt her. It's going to be through email most likely but I'm not sure what kind of tone to use. I want to be very honest with her but I'm afraid it's going to come off as over emotional and just irritate her. If I try to sound more cheery then it won't come off as sincere and she might think I'm just trying to win her back. Calling isn't an option because I don't have her number anymore (deleted it to make sure I wouldn't do more damage). Are there certain things I shouldn't bring up in the message even if I'm trying to be honest? Do I just need to accept the fact that it may be too late to end on good terms?
KatZee Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I think you should just leave it alone, honestly. She ended with you, correct? In that time she hasn't reached out once. She hasn't tried to reconcile, she doesn't regret her decision. You don't need closure from her, the closure comes from within yourself. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, and take these lessons onto the next person. 2
pteromom Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 It's been three weeks? Don't contact her. You need to focus on healing right now. Now, six months from now, if you've moved on and your feelings for her have gone away, if you still feel badly about some of the things you've done, send her a message apologizing. But not now. Keep up NC and focus on healing yourself.
Chi townD Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Well, if you did the begging and pleading phase, I take it that she dumped you. So, why email her for closure? So, you can listen to everything that YOU did wrong? That YOU were the demise of the relationship? Is that going to make you feel better? If you want to apologize for your behavior, then forgive yourself because...to be frank....she really doesn't care. You were hurt, so don't feel bad about that. Just move on dude. She made the choice to have you out of her life. SO, you give her exactly that.
Mack05 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 This is a section about 'closure' in the NC section of the book getting past your backup. I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN.. "I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours. 2
flitzanu Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 My ex and I didn't end on very good terms. The last time I contacted her I got ignored but it's because I sent some extremely stupid text messages to her and I understand why she didn't reply. That was about 3 weeks ago and I want to send her a message apologizing for some things that I feel bad about. She was very nice to me throughout the whole begging and pleading process but I was extremely selfish and took it too far. I want to apologize for being selfish and immature and just explain that I never meant to hurt her. It's going to be through email most likely but I'm not sure what kind of tone to use. I want to be very honest with her but I'm afraid it's going to come off as over emotional and just irritate her. If I try to sound more cheery then it won't come off as sincere and she might think I'm just trying to win her back. Calling isn't an option because I don't have her number anymore (deleted it to make sure I wouldn't do more damage). Are there certain things I shouldn't bring up in the message even if I'm trying to be honest? Do I just need to accept the fact that it may be too late to end on good terms? what exactly is your motivation, and what exactly do you expect to hear in response to this email of yours?
Author New2Love4Now Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 what exactly is your motivation, and what exactly do you expect to hear in response to this email of yours? I suppose my motivation is to end on good terms with her. I hate to admit it but I'm hoping that by ending on good terms there will be at least a slight chance of her contacting me in the future which could lead to an opportunity to get her back. I know I'm probably in denial/bargaining, but I believe that she could be experiencing GIGS and that ending on good terms could make some difference. I guess I had to write it out to realize how ridiculous I sound
na49 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I wonder about this at times too. I ended on bad terms with my ex. She even admitted it and wanted friendship. I had to decline her offer though. I was/am too emotional to handle a friendship with her. As much as I love her and miss her, I realize the thought of her with someone else stings just as bad as it did the day we broke up. Contacting her after you've been NC might seem like the "right" thing to do. Or it will seem annoying and desperate on your end. Although it sounds like a good idea and if we lived in a Hollywood movie, it would be the perfect thing to do. I think you'd be better off leaving it be. She won't hate you forever if that's what you're afraid of. I find that every time we contact our ex, we get an answer from them. We don't like the answer or we misunderstood something so we contact them again. This cycle never stops until we stop it ourselves. 1
flitzanu Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I suppose my motivation is to end on good terms with her. I hate to admit it but I'm hoping that by ending on good terms there will be at least a slight chance of her contacting me in the future which could lead to an opportunity to get her back. I know I'm probably in denial/bargaining, but I believe that she could be experiencing GIGS and that ending on good terms could make some difference. I guess I had to write it out to realize how ridiculous I sound yes, you do sound ridiculous. she hasn't contacted you in three weeks, do you think she's just waiting to hear from you and all that you say is going to matter to her? no. sorry, but no. the sad truth is she isn't going to care what you say, and SHE doesn't care about "ending it gracefully" because she already ended it. there's no do-over, there's no repeat, there's no getting a better position in this breakup by apologizing for the same things that you apologized for already 100 times during your begging. save some dignity and just continue NC.
newsbug Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Maybe you should try just writing the letter you think you want to send her to get the feelings out, but don't send it. I have a personal blog that only I can see and I have been writing him email after email on there, but won't send any. Today there was one that was completely begging him to come back...but there's no way in a million years would I send that one. But it helps a little to get all the stupid, annoying things out that you can't tell your friends or whatever because you know you'd sound pathetic.
mirja Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I agree with everyone else... leave it alone. Personally, I think NC is the way to go for the person who got dumped. I once got dumped after a fairly long relationship, and we did keep contact at first... but it just made things worse for me. I couldn't let go. At some point, I realized that I needed to break contact, said some really mean things and didn't speak to him again for years. I did feel bad about some of things I said and an apology wouldn't have been uncalled for, but he understood that I said those things because I was hurt, and years later he contacted me on facebook and everything was fine between us. And to be honest, after several months of NC, I stopped thinking about him on a regular basis and now I almost never think about him at all.
blotter Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Why bother? She could care less, chances are she is already talking to other dudes.
Author New2Love4Now Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 thank you guys for the advice I'm going to stay no contact because I know I need to take care of myself and not worry about her, especially if she clearly doesn't care about how it ended. what's really bothering me is that we reconciled a week after I was done with all the begging and pleading and had a friendly conversation. I should have left it there but I felt like I had lost a lot of her respect and sent her a bunch of texts a few days later explaining how I agreed with her decision and explaining why I acted so crazy. I wish I would have left it there but then I panicked when she didn't reply and asked her "can't we talk for a little?" which just showed my whole message before that was bull****. It was such a terrible idea texting her I don't know what I was thinking. That's when she ignored me and now I can't stop reliving and over analyzing that moment, because I can't forgive myself for just dropping it after we ended on good terms.
na49 Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 The last full conversation I had with my ex I told her "Don't talk to me about your new guy. I don't appreciate it. Talk to your new friends about him instead" she said "My new friends are better than you anyway". Not exactly the nicest conversation to have before I started NC, but it is what it is. I wanted to be civil, it just didn't work. She insulted me every chance she had. Every chance to make me feel like I "wasn't good enough" she jumped on it. Fast forward two months, I got the "I know we ended on bad terms, but I'd like to be friends" text. and I ignored it. My point is, if she wants to reconcile. She will. She may not want to try things again with you, but see you as a good friend
flitzanu Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 thank you guys for the advice I'm going to stay no contact because I know I need to take care of myself and not worry about her, especially if she clearly doesn't care about how it ended. what's really bothering me is that we reconciled a week after I was done with all the begging and pleading and had a friendly conversation. I should have left it there but I felt like I had lost a lot of her respect and sent her a bunch of texts a few days later explaining how I agreed with her decision and explaining why I acted so crazy. I wish I would have left it there but then I panicked when she didn't reply and asked her "can't we talk for a little?" which just showed my whole message before that was bull****. It was such a terrible idea texting her I don't know what I was thinking. That's when she ignored me and now I can't stop reliving and over analyzing that moment, because I can't forgive myself for just dropping it after we ended on good terms. she was friendly to you because she has the ability to be your "friend". you don't have the ability to be hers. that's why dumpers are "friendly" is because they aren't trying to date you.
Survivor12 Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 thank you guys for the advice I'm going to stay no contact because I know I need to take care of myself and not worry about her, especially if she clearly doesn't care about how it ended. what's really bothering me is that we reconciled a week after I was done with all the begging and pleading and had a friendly conversation. I should have left it therebut I felt like I had lost a lot of her respect and sent her a bunch of texts a few days later explaining how I agreed with her decision and explaining why I acted so crazy. I wish I would have left it therebut then I panicked when she didn't reply and asked her "can't we talk for a little?" which just showed my whole message before that was bull****. It was such a terrible idea texting her I don't know what I was thinking. That's when she ignored me and now I can't stop reliving and over analyzing that moment, because I can't forgive myself for just dropping it after we ended on good terms. My best advice is: "learn from your mistakes". "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."--George Santayana
robaday Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I wondered this a lot recently, about the whole ending on bad terms thing, its horrible to leave something with hatred. The problem is though, often times we as humans seem to over-compensate to try and make things better, and with that end up giving away our power. This means the other person feels that its ok to treat you like crap. Never apologise just to be on better terms when you havent done much wrong. Apologise if youve done something really bad (like abuse or cheating) but do it once and genuinely, not repeatedly. Its too easy to blame yourself after a breakup, or hate the other person. Sometimes though, it just wasnt meant to be. It is what it is and doesnt require any more thought, self hatred or pain. 1
Neffer Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I wonder about this at times too. I ended on bad terms with my ex. She even admitted it and wanted friendship. I had to decline her offer though. I was/am too emotional to handle a friendship with her. As much as I love her and miss her, I realize the thought of her with someone else stings just as bad as it did the day we broke up. Contacting her after you've been NC might seem like the "right" thing to do. Or it will seem annoying and desperate on your end. Although it sounds like a good idea and if we lived in a Hollywood movie, it would be the perfect thing to do. I think you'd be better off leaving it be. She won't hate you forever if that's what you're afraid of. I find that every time we contact our ex, we get an answer from them. We don't like the answer or we misunderstood something so we contact them again. This cycle never stops until we stop it ourselves. This. Closure is a myth, you never get closure; there are always questions, whys that never get answered. Let it go. They let you go. Closure exists in films, not in life. You will not get the resolution or ending you are aiming for as your script is different than theirs. They are living a life, story, that does not include you. Leave them to it as painful as that may seem.
aussie sam Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I cringe at the thought of the email I sent my ex a few days after she dumped me and didn't really give me any solid answers as to why. I have been 1 month NC since then and I now have a clearer headspace to see things differently. I think it's important to keep in mind that mostly when you are the dumpee, you are at an unfair advantage. The dumper has often had time to think and process the breakup and is sure of what they are doing and prepared for different scenarios. Where as when you are the dumpee, you have it sprung upon you out of nowhere and are expected to catch up to speed with what has happened which is never the case so we do desperate things. These desperate things just confirm to the dumper that they have made the right decision and make us feel worse. The positive is to take this wisdom into the future, and if you ever find yourself dumped again, then give yourself space and time before you respond to anything. Plead the fifth and don't say anything until your lawyer (good friend) has told you what is rational and helpful. I hope your feeling better! 2
Pinky777 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 My situation is similar to yours. After I broke up with my ex, we were on good terms even though the breakup itself was embarassing for me. I did not beg but I must have sent him 20 texts trying to "explain" myself after our BU fight. But we worked through that and tried to be "friends", talking here and there and being friendly. Everything was fine until about 6 weeks after the BU, I got extremely drunk and wound up getting mad at him for not returning my texts/calls one night. He responded angrily the next day and I haven't heard from him since. I'm still beside myself because we were on good terms, and I pretty much blew it. I have no idea what he thinks of me, if he's still mad, or if he just realizes we can't be friends when I still have feelings for him. About 3 weeks after that night, I sent him "closure" email because the fact that we ended on bad terms was driving me crazy. I just wanted things to be OK. He didn't respond, which I half expected but it still hurt. Do you think I got closure? Of course not. In a way, I felt better after sending it because I apologized for acting like an a$$ and I got a few things off my chest. Trouble is I have no idea if he even read it. It feels terrible. I still feel terrible. I still have the notion to reach out to him, but I know I can't when I'm still upset. I need to get him out of my system and you need to do the same with your ex. Maybe, months later, if you're still feeling bad about things but have NO interest in getting back together with her, and you have to be honest with yourself about that, then you can try again. She might be more receptive. But right now you've pushed yourself on her too much and she needs time away from you. Breakups suck, dude, and it especially sucks when you lose your dignity. I'm sure she knows you didn't mean to hurt her but she also knows you're too emotional to deal with right now so you both need to keep your distance.
Author New2Love4Now Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 My situation is similar to yours. After I broke up with my ex, we were on good terms even though the breakup itself was embarassing for me. I did not beg but I must have sent him 20 texts trying to "explain" myself after our BU fight. But we worked through that and tried to be "friends", talking here and there and being friendly. Everything was fine until about 6 weeks after the BU, I got extremely drunk and wound up getting mad at him for not returning my texts/calls one night. He responded angrily the next day and I haven't heard from him since. I'm still beside myself because we were on good terms, and I pretty much blew it. I have no idea what he thinks of me, if he's still mad, or if he just realizes we can't be friends when I still have feelings for him. About 3 weeks after that night, I sent him "closure" email because the fact that we ended on bad terms was driving me crazy. I just wanted things to be OK. He didn't respond, which I half expected but it still hurt. Do you think I got closure? Of course not. In a way, I felt better after sending it because I apologized for acting like an a$$ and I got a few things off my chest. Trouble is I have no idea if he even read it. It feels terrible. I still feel terrible. I still have the notion to reach out to him, but I know I can't when I'm still upset. I need to get him out of my system and you need to do the same with your ex. Maybe, months later, if you're still feeling bad about things but have NO interest in getting back together with her, and you have to be honest with yourself about that, then you can try again. She might be more receptive. But right now you've pushed yourself on her too much and she needs time away from you. Breakups suck, dude, and it especially sucks when you lose your dignity. I'm sure she knows you didn't mean to hurt her but she also knows you're too emotional to deal with right now so you both need to keep your distance. Wow that does sound an awful lot like my situation! It sucks knowing you could have ended on good terms and but just one mistake ruined it. Would you say it was worth sending the apology email even though you didn't get a response? I think you're right that I should wait until I don't have feelings for her so that it won't matter to to me if I get a response or not. I've been close to sending a message but I keep reminding myself that if she cared how I felt she'd make an effort to contact me so maybe I'll just leave it be. Thanks for the advice! And thanks to everyone else too
cavalier99 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Really doesn't matter that much if it ended on good terms or bad. Both suck. 4
marklarsson Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 This. Closure is a myth, you never get closure; there are always questions, whys that never get answered. Let it go. They let you go. Closure exists in films, not in life. You will not get the resolution or ending you are aiming for as your script is different than theirs. They are living a life, story, that does not include you. Leave them to it as painful as that may seem. Does those movie romances happen in real life surely they do. i have heard of things that happen similar to those in hollywood
Pinky777 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 (edited) Wow that does sound an awful lot like my situation! It sucks knowing you could have ended on good terms and but just one mistake ruined it. Would you say it was worth sending the apology email even though you didn't get a response? I think you're right that I should wait until I don't have feelings for her so that it won't matter to to me if I get a response or not. I've been close to sending a message but I keep reminding myself that if she cared how I felt she'd make an effort to contact me so maybe I'll just leave it be. Thanks for the advice! And thanks to everyone else too At first I felt OK about sending the email. I wanted to sincerely apologize and make things right again, and that was my step toward doing that. You'll see that in most cases on this site the dumpers are the jerks but in my case I was, and I felt like I needed to set that right. But I was looking for some kind of small reconciliation, some response, or even closure, and I didn't get any of that. He could have deleted the email, he could have read it and smiled or missed me, or he could have read it and muttered "crazy biatch" and saw it as a reminder of why he dumped me. I don't know. It hurts like hell knowing the person I care about most doesn't want to even speak to me, when just a couple of months before that we were crazy about each other. He chose to cut me out of his life, as she has done to you. So in a way it made me feel marginally better knowing that the email I sent was a "nice" one of true but in the end it didn't matter. If you really felt like you did her wrong and need to say it, say it, but know that it might not change anything and that might make things worse for you. I'm still as messed up about him as I was from day 1 and that's because I haven't let him go. I really don't know how. Edited March 3, 2013 by Pinky777
StraylightRun24 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Really doesn't matter that much if it ended on good terms or bad. Both suck. Cav is completely right here. I'm pretty sure you could say that things ended as smoothly as possible with my ex. She even told me that I was being "very mature" about the whole thing the last time spoke. Even though there was no cheating/lying I'm still hurting 2 months later. I can definitely assure you that if there was cheating/lying or something else that led to the end of our relationship I would instead be writing on this forum how I wish things ended better between the two of us. So either way, like Cav said, it just sucks!
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