ANewton Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 My gf of 6 years cheated on me for a year before I discovered it, then continued for another year before something stopped the affair, not sure what exactly. I have gone through the whole cycle of feelings as correctly identified and described on many posts written before mine. The psychological stages are correct and you will experience them whether you know it or not. I was also in love with my GF after it happened, you don't just fall out of love straight away, but that I think was to my complete disadvantage, whatever failsafe psychological saving mechanism comes into play to avoid a total collapse also disadvantages you makes you weaker and in my case made me stay. I had opportunities to leave when I should have, but I didn't, partly because I thought she should leave our rented accommodation and I was afraid that legally I would be held accountable, I should have just walked out of the door. Anyway, the affair is over and she is trying to do anything to stay with me, I have decided that there are other things in life on this planet besides relationships and sex even. Seen it done it, it's fine while it lasts but as with most things there is a trade off, a price that I have worked out that I don't want to pay at all, life is too short and real freedom too precious. For those of you thinking I am angry or bitter, absolutely not, I am glad I woke up. My problem is that after many arguments and me telling her that it will never be the same again and quite bluntly telling her that I don't want to be with her, she refuses to acknowledge this and does not even want to think about us splitting up. She is in a tricky situation financially, she could make it alone but her lifestyle would change considerably, she would be much poorer. I feel guilty leaving because I don't want to hurt anybody at all, but it seems to be my only option, I can only see that one day after some planning, I will have to walk out, cut off all communication and dissappear. Does anybody have any insight as to the next natural stages to a situation like this, why doesn't she just leave? Why is she making me stay? Is my only option to leave without a word? Help.
BetrayedH Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 In order to reconcile, you need a truly remorseful wayward person and a truly forgiving betrayed person. She may be truly remorseful but it appears that you've discovered that her affair was truly a dealbreaker for you. For many (most?), it takes quite a while to make that decision. I don't think there's any shame for that. I respect those that make the effort to reconcile but her infidelity doesn't need to be a life sentence for you. I'm not sure why you feel compelled to just disappear. If you don't want to leave her in a lurch, then give her what notice you can. Will it be difficult for you to live with her while you wait to move out? I'm sure. But doing the right thing is rarely the easy thing.
road Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 You want the apartment more then you want to leave WGF. This points out to your bad judgement and value systems. If you want to recover get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Though I think it best to leave her. Not married, no kids.
Author ANewton Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 "road", I think you have misunderstood, the apartment is not mine and I don't want it, I am renting it, I would have already left but I didn't know how to break the rental agreement legally, I no longer have that problem. I don't want to recover, i'm not ill and I don't need a doctor. My world has changed and I want to move on, but somebody is not letting me, I don't want to hurt her as a human being, but I don't really care for her, she just doesn't want to accept that, I think she should, how long can she fool herself for. I am sure if she was financially better set, then she would leave. She is not making it possible for me to leave easily, that is not fair, I have tried to break it off, twice, I have 2 days of screaming from her, then 1 day of pleading, followed by silence then she ignores the whole thing as if nothing was said and acts like we are together. I don't think I have any other solution apart from disappearing. I posted on here, to perhaps get some advice from anybody that may have been through a simillar situation, or a WS that might recognise her motives and for want of a better phrase, help me find a way to guide her out of my life.
BetrayedH Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 What is stopping you from breaking up like a normal person? "The lease is up at the end of April. I'm getting my own place and we need to go our separate directions. I tried to make this work but your cheating was a dealbreaker for me and I've decided to move on." 3
BetrayedH Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 You want to understand your GF's motivation? Could be guilt, obligation, or true remorse. You seem decided about breaking up so why does her motivation about trying to work it out matter to you?
Just a Guy Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Could be she wants you around to support her current lifestyle. I think you mentioned something along those lines. I think that if, after you discovered her cheating, she continued with it for a year and then gave it up for reasons not known to you, then she had already checked out of the relationship a long time ago. Her motivation now is not to reconcile because she loves you but because she is loath to lose her comfortable lifestyle which she enjoys because you are paying for the major part of it. I would say, as others have, that you should move out tomorrow. You do not need to consider her feelings at all because she did not consider your feelings when she continued with her affair for a year after you outed her. The best would have been to move out the moment you realized that she was continuing with her affair after you had discovered it.
TigerCub Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Is she holding a gun to your head? If not - then you CAN leave her! So what?! She screams and cries and has hurt feelings - big deal! A lot of people are hurt when they are broken up with, but life goes on, they move on. I don't know why you keep insisting that she won't let you leave. You can leave. It's not like you own property together, or are married, or have kids. Your exit is really quite simple, so why are you holding on to this idea that she has the power to make you stay? 4
96nole Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 She is in a tricky situation financially, she could make it alone but her lifestyle would change considerably, she would be much poorer. I feel guilty leaving because I don't want to hurt anybody at all, but it seems to be my only option, I can only see that one day after some planning, I will have to walk out, cut off all communication and dissappear. You feel guilty about leaving? She didn't feel guilty bouncing up and down on another guy's pole for 2 years. Why are you worried about HER lifestyle. That's her problem. What about your lifestyle? If her lifestyle goes down then that's the price she pays for cheating. I wouldn't be surprised if the affair suddenly ended because she realized the other guy could support her the way she wanted. You're ready to leave. The apartment is no longer an issue. You're not married. GO! 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Here, let me fix this for you: I don't want to recover, i'm not ill and I don't need a doctor. My world has changed and I want to move on, but I myself am not letting me, I don't want to hurt her as a human being, but I don't really care for her, she just doesn't want to accept that, I think she should, how long can she fool herself for. I am sure if she was financially better set, then she would leave. I am not making it possible for me to leave easily, that is not fair, I have tried to break it off, twice, I have 2 days of screaming from her, then 1 day of pleading, followed by silence then she ignores the whole thing as if nothing was said and acts like we are together. I don't think I have any other solution apart from disappearing. I posted on here, to perhaps get some advice from anybody that may have been through a simillar situation, or a WS that might recognise her motives and for want of a better phrase, help me find a way to guide myself out of her life. The only one preventing you from growing nuts, and doing what you know you HAVE to do - is you. Don't let pity, sympathy or fear inhibit you from taking the only logical step you have to take. Don't blame others for your own indecisiveness, and weakness. The ability to move on, is yours, and yours alone. Do it - or deal with it. 4
NotCamelot Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Don't blame others for your own indecisiveness, and weakness. The ability to move on, is yours, and yours alone. Do it - or deal with it. Easy for us on the outside to say. Not so easy to do. Most of us have been there. And, most of did not do what we thought we'd do if ever faced with the Hell of infidelity. Good advice, probably. Just not that easy.
TaraMaiden Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Oh I never said it was easy. But its simplicity is crystal clear. it's what is preventing it that isn't....
Author ANewton Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 She definitely has been playing the victim lately. I know it sounds easy and the only person stopping me leaving now is me, but it just isn't, I just wanted the easy way out, in other words her breaking up with me. Goodness knows I had the chance, just can't believe I didn't take it earlier. She isn't going to leave I can see that now, just can't believe that somebody would waste another persons life and their own like that.
jnel921 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 lf the envelope is pushed far enough and the level of respect is gone and there is no remorss of course you can leave and you should. Discovering and continuing a year after the fact is unacceptale. Why put yourself through this? Material and financial reasons are sad reasons to stay. You arr not married and she has given you a good reason why you need not to. 1
TigerCub Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 She definitely has been playing the victim lately. I know it sounds easy and the only person stopping me leaving now is me, but it just isn't, I just wanted the easy way out, in other words her breaking up with me. Why can't you just have the balls to do it? Goodness knows I had the chance, just can't believe I didn't take it earlier. She isn't going to leave I can see that now, just can't believe that somebody would waste another persons life and their own like that. Not sure if you're referring to her or you in that line? Honestly, you are soooooooooooooo responsible for your own misery at this point. You are too afraid to be the one to yank the plug on the relationship despite all that she's done, and you're saying that she's keeping you there - she's not keeping you, your own cowardice is. Sorry, I really don't mean to be harsh, but it just baffles my mind that some people are that afraid to take charge of their own life.
CarboniteCammy Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I'm sorry to come off so bluntly, but you seem to be very passive aggressive. If you're that unhappy, just leave. You're not married. You don't have children. Just go and let her wallow if that's what she chooses to do. It sounds like you are martyring yourself, which is needless in this situation as it's not like she's holding a gun to your head forcing you to stay. 1
nofool4u Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I was also in love with my GF after it happened, you don't just fall out of love straight away Depends on the person. I sure did. Well, maybe a couple of days after d-day once I got over the desperation of the situation. But it was straight away enough. I had opportunities to leave when I should have, but I didn't, partly because I thought she should leave our rented accommodation and I was afraid that legally I would be held accountable How long do you have on your lease? Can't be more than a year. I would have toughed it out until the lease was up. But yes, you are right in thinking she should be the one to leave if it came to that. Anyway, the affair is over and she is trying to do anything to stay with me, I have decided that there are other things in life on this planet besides relationships and sex even. Seen it done it, it's fine while it lasts but as with most things there is a trade off, a price that I have worked out that I don't want to pay at all, life is too short and real freedom too precious. For those of you thinking I am angry or bitter, absolutely not, I am glad I woke up. Nothing bitter whatsoever about wanting your freedom after being betrayed. And nothing wrong with guarding yourself after the fact. Its not bitter. Its being practical and smart. My problem is that after many arguments and me telling her that it will never be the same again and quite bluntly telling her that I don't want to be with her, she refuses to acknowledge this and does not even want to think about us splitting up. She is in a tricky situation financially, she could make it alone but her lifestyle would change considerably she would be much poorer. Good. Tough crap for her. Let her choices have consequences. I feel guilty leaving because I don't want to hurt anybody at all You don't want to hurt someone that hurt you by spreading her legs for another guy? Sorry to put it that way, but thats the way you need to see it. but it seems to be my only option, I can only see that one day after some planning, I will have to walk out, cut off all communication and dissappear. Does anybody have any insight as to the next natural stages to a situation like this, why doesn't she just leave? Why is she making me stay? Is my only option to leave without a word? Help. If it helps you any, perhaps wait until the lease is up and give her a heads up a couple months before. That way she can get her affairs in order. And thats more than she deserves.
Turtles Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 "road", I think you have misunderstood, the apartment is not mine and I don't want it, I am renting it, I would have already left but I didn't know how to break the rental agreement legally, I no longer have that problem. I don't want to recover, i'm not ill and I don't need a doctor. My world has changed and I want to move on, but somebody is not letting me, I don't want to hurt her as a human being, but I don't really care for her, she just doesn't want to accept that, I think she should, how long can she fool herself for. I am sure if she was financially better set, then she would leave. She is not making it possible for me to leave easily, that is not fair, I have tried to break it off, twice, I have 2 days of screaming from her, then 1 day of pleading, followed by silence then she ignores the whole thing as if nothing was said and acts like we are together. I don't think I have any other solution apart from disappearing. I posted on here, to perhaps get some advice from anybody that may have been through a simillar situation, or a WS that might recognise her motives and for want of a better phrase, help me find a way to guide her out of my life. Umm you are not "hurting her" by withdrawing your support. Do you feel you are "hurting" the homeless persons in your city by not offering them to live in your apartment? That doesn't make sense. If you don't want to stay with her and you don't want to keep the apartment then you can just move out. Pack your boxes, rent a van and off you go. You don't have to "disappear", she would just be a stranger at that point. No need to make it sound so melodramatic, just put on your big boy pants and get on with it.
ver13 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Hmmm year and a half of sleeping around and you are here asking LS what to do? She is your GF not mine if you have a problem confronting the fact that she is just using you and getting away with it oh well. Why do you care about what happens to her after the door closes behind her? She didn't care what so ever for a year+ what her actions would do to you. I mean she came home eat your food watched TV and excepted any and all gifts that you gave her without a hint of remorse. If you need us to help you with this then I say stay with her and be prepared for whatever she has in store for you next.
TaraMaiden Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 She definitely has been playing the victim lately. I know it sounds easy and the only person stopping me leaving now is me, but it just isn't, I just wanted the easy way out, in other words her breaking up with me. Goodness knows I had the chance, just can't believe I didn't take it earlier. She isn't going to leave I can see that now, just can't believe that somebody would waste another persons life and their own like that. Oh, hang on... so are you saying you wanted her to take the job of ending it? Well, that's really cowardly. The chance is still there. It always has been. And the one wasting your life - is you. Not her. It's you. By choice. Why can't it be you who ends this? Why leave it to her? You make yourself sound like a real victim, and in fact, the opportunity to end this is, and always has been - and continues to be - YOURS..... 1
Darren Steez Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Dear lord man, you make it sound like renting is being tied to a 25 year contract. I'm sure there is a period of notice you can give the land lord which would give him time to find a new lodger. Listen at the end of the day, everything you're saying is a bit of bull. You can walk away and leave this woman. You know the reasons why she's keeping you around, it's for her "lifestyle" whatever that is. If she has enough money to pay her rent then its fine, if she wants to maintain her "lifestyle" then she should get a second job or better yet rent out a room. She cheated, you're not in love, you don't owe her anything, but you owe it to yourself to move on and be happy. Time to man up. 1
Author ANewton Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Thanks frozensprouys and all posters. Some good advice here, time to plan an exit.
TaraMaiden Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Start by being upfront and honest. She cheated. But you haven't been entirely 'honest' with her either. Plan an exit, make sure you lose nothing - or at least, as little as is practically possible. But don't 'hide' your actions out of spite. It does your moral integrity no good.
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