Which xOW/xOM are seeing a therapist?

[fooled2manyX]

I'm truly in a bad place.

 

It's nearly 3 months since he vanished, without a goodbye... without even telling me it was over for us & all the things he said would be, wouldn't. He left knowing he was going to have d-day (as I told him she text me) and still he seemed confident that he would divorce for us to be together. I never heard from him again.

 

I have posted here about wanting/needing closure from him. Not so that we would be together again. He made his choice.. it was not me. There are kids involved too. I get it. But, closure so that I would have been able to hear it from him and try to make peace with it. I didn't get that.

 

I was met here, with some opposition from some posters, that being the OW, I was not owed a goodbye, because I involved myself with him knowing of his marriage. Again, I know my part... my fault... but, it was all going on that he was telling me he was going to divorce and wanted to marry me one day. We were high school sweethearts. I've loved him forever. I was lost in it.

 

But now, nothing has gotten better for me. I don't forget. I have been extremely depressed. I wonder all the time if he thinks about me. It's crazy to wonder that, when ... he used to tell me he loved me & when he thought maybe I didn't know for sure, he would stop me, hold my face and say it looking right into my eyes. Ours was not an affair of "meeting for sex", although some have tried to reduce it to that as well.

 

Last week, my grandfather died. I have a niece who is still in a hospital since birth. I have a sick mother. Emotionally, I am spent. I have panic attacks on and off all day and night. I can't sleep, or when I do... I really do because I don't want to wake up.

 

I am going to call a therapist this week and see about making an appointment. I truly feel sometimes, I could die of a broken heart.

 

I still often think about going to his job (outside of course only) and having him see my face. (just like the Adele song) and I know many would say it's not a good idea. But, I am so broken. This man had tears in his eyes in the past and would tell me he didn't want to keep saying goodbye. Despite the obvious, we couldn't imagine not seeing one another for the rest of our lives.

 

So, can anyone understand the anxiety? This is like a death for me. That he was here, then gone with no word..... and now we'll never see eachother again. I know he is doing what he is, for the sake of his family. But on my end, being part of this & being left.... I am beside myself. It's the most empty I've ever been.

[Summer Breeze]

My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry you're facing so many things from so many angles.

 

I'll start by saying that you did deserve a goodbye. Regardless of the situation everyone deserves a goodbye and final words, even if they are 'I'm sorry but I'm going to focus on my M and no matter what was between us I have to end it'. Nothing dramatic or lovey dovey. Something he could show his W so she's also aware he's ending it. Yes, you did deserve that much from him.

 

I would advise for you NOT to go to his work. If you are having serious thoughts about it take a step back and visualize what could happen. Every scenario. Figure out the worst that could happen and truly think what you would feel if it did. Sadly, while I think you should have been given a goodbye you weren't and by showing up out of the blue it probably won't be any sort of a good reunion. I don't believe you'll get anything out of it other than more heartbreak.

 

I don't think for a minute that any of this means he doesn't love you. It means he's done what he sees to be 'best'. The thing is that he's done it and now you need to find your way forward. I didn't go to therapy after the A ended but I'm going now and it's been eye opening in a lot of ways. I would suggest you go. You have too much to be dealing with right now and you obviously need some help. Get it Hon. Don't look to him to help you because he won't. It's down to you now.

 

Please keep posting here too. There are so many good people with so many encouraging thoughts and words. Rely on us too.

[Sarabi]

I am seeing one he is lovely...lack of boundaries and being "too nice" so people take advantage of that, problems with forming attachments, attaching to unavailable men...subconciously because they are like my dad...some of a man (no matter how crap he is) is better than none...etc.

We talk of many things.

 

Definitely book yourself an appointment (and invest in some tissues)!

 

Trust me I know exactly how you feel on so many counts. He goes back to his perfect little life because remember (as at least one poster will remind us), they are "married" so that exonerates and absolves them of all responsibility, they are above any/everything in the world and it automatically makes them better people than us :rolleyes: . Who knows if he is thinking about me/you as much as we think about them. Who knows if he is hurting? Who knows what he is telling his wife/family/friends etc. Is it worth thinking about? Probably not...but its so hard not to People at work tell me I look so sad and sometimes it is so hard not to burst into tears(!) People are encouraging about the future...but it is still very hard.

 

Mine also vanished on me a few days ago. Not a word...yes, I feel like I don't deserve to be loved ever again and I should probably die for what I did and that my heart is breaking into a million pieces...

Yes, ours was not a meeting for sex affair either...but anyway. Whether or not he thinks about me, I just hope he will be happy in future.

It just makes me think this was the same situation again...I was not good enough for him...just like I have never been good enough for any man (including my father)...*sigh*

 

I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather and I really hope your niece will come home soon and that your mother will be well.

I think it is worth it for you to go and see a doctor about how you are feeling (for the depression). You have a valid reason...people have told me to see a doctor and the things they can give you help lift your mood...but I don't bother because I feel too embarassed

 

No amount of this usual "its all your own fault/you deserve no sympathy/it was self-inflicted/shut up and carry on with life" boll*cks will help, you really need proper support from somewhere especially with the other things going on in your life.

 

Sorry, I have to go to work now let me know how you get on

Sending you many many (((hugs))) from across the atlantic

[fooled2manyX]

Thank you Summer Breeze. Yes, the reason I haven't went to his work so far, is due to possible scenarios. No, he would never be nasty to me. Not that I could ever fathom, even though he vanished and has ignored me. But still.. it couldn't be a good outcome I guess.

 

I would see him, it would be terribly hard. For us both. And the result would be the same. He is with his family.

 

I have a confession. I broke this morning. It had been awhile since I contacted him in any way, but I text him (as I had before) this time telling, not asking for him to mail me something I gave him of my deceased father. That was a thread I had started before too, where some had posted that I didn't deserve it back and a couple people even said it was now "marital property". wow. That maybe she made him throw it away. Again, I couldn't imagine him doing it, knowing it belonged to my dad.

 

Either way, my last contacts to him were to please just return it. Put it in the mail. I had even tried first, having a male friend contact him and ask for it back. Again there was silence. Had it been any gift given, I would never ask for it. But, it began to bother me that it belonged to my dad & when I gave it to him, he was telling me he was going to divorce and he was going to marry me one day.

 

So, here I was over an hour ago sending a text (as things in the last week really hit the fan in my family and I just emotionally hit a wall) telling him to mail it. Again. I'm not some bunny boiler. It's not like I would physically go to his home, or call the home, or anything crazy like that.

 

I just keep thinking how I had sat here for weeks before the holidays thinking he was coming back. He let me be here believing that instead of saying "It's over. I am staying with my wife." I never knew. I was confident he was returning and we would be together as he said. Instead it was "she'll figure it out sooner or later".

[Summer Breeze]

It's called voting with his feet. It's not that uncommon. I like the technique. You dont. I see that, we have different values. But in the end that doesn't matter. What matters is it was his choice and that's what he did. You do need therapy because only you can move on. Hes not going to help you.

 

I hope I get an infraction for this but I am so sick of how you speak to people. I have no problem with you having beliefs that differ from myself or anyone but you must be one of the most cruel and nastiest posters I've ever seen in any forum ever. You have a tunnel visioned agenda and never deviate from it. You don't actually address anything, you only answer every single situation with the same exact responses. I have also never seen anyone who has been so surrounded by cheaters in my entire life. And to think they all take you into their confidence to reveal the most personal thoughts and details. It's amazing. I still agree with other posters who say you remind them of a previous poster and if it's true you need to be the one thinking about therapy.

 

You have so much to say and if you said it properly you would be so very effective. The way you beat up on people you only manage to isolate and invalidate yourself. That is a shame because you do have so many things that evidently eat at you and you could probably use some conversation on here as well.

 

fooled -- I remembered your post about the possession you wanted back and I don't blame you for wanting it back. He created the mess in his life and if you want it back that's part of the mess he created. Be prepared for it to have been discarded or destroyed. Expect the worst and hope for the best.

[fooled2manyX]

You are right MFH70. You think I need therapy and I think you need it. You are an advocate for the cheaters. You write the OW are not worthy people, not owed goodbye, etc. You have some issues with women. Or maybe you are one.

 

Either way, his technique that you like so much.... listen, I think you like that men play and lie and then can leave wreckage and just step away. It's real alpha male bull. The technique that you "should" like would have been the one where HE (the married one) didn't allow himself to cheat in the first place and make a 1000 promises he wouldn't keep.

 

Stop browbeating women.

[fooled2manyX]

Thank you Summer Breeze. Seems we are on the same page about MFH70. Oh, I did get an infraction LOL and it's funny, because I wonder if he/she gets any. Someone who has the time on their hands to comment on 1000 posts but yet, doesn't seem to have any of these issues happening directly TO them. Just people he/she knows.

 

Ugh. As I just stated before... if this is a male posting, it's clearly a penis saying that penises can do as they please. And women who catch the bait of a man who goes outside his marriage are the low ones. Madonna/whore thing. To state that every man who gets caught or comes clean about his affair will then view the OW as "nothing" is funny.

 

Like Freud "if it's not one thing, it's your mother" and I think that's maybe the case here with our frequent poster.

[Summer Breeze]

Thank you Summer Breeze. Seems we are on the same page about MFH70. Oh, I did get an infraction LOL and it's funny, because I wonder if he/she gets any. Someone who has the time on their hands to comment on 1000 posts but yet, doesn't seem to have any of these issues happening directly TO them. Just people he/she knows.

 

Ugh. As I just stated before... if this is a male posting, it's clearly a penis saying that penises can do as they please. And women who catch the bait of a man who goes outside his marriage are the low ones. Madonna/whore thing. To state that every man who gets caught or comes clean about his affair will then view the OW as "nothing" is funny.

 

Like Freud "if it's not one thing, it's your mother" and I think that's maybe the case here with our frequent poster.

 

As you know there are loads of people on here who will help out and offer great advice. Take what you need at the moment and re-read at one point in the near future to see if you've progressed and anything more helps out.

 

What are you going to do if he doesn't respond about the article?

 

Have you actually made a call about a therapist yet?

 

Make sure and keep us posted.

[Got it]

Fooled, I am so sorry for your pain. Yes therapy will help. I highly recommend it. You are grieving a loss and therapy will help you work through the process. ((((fooled))))

[stevie_23]

I actually got a referral to a therapist, but haven’t used it…and I can’t now because the piece of paper got wet in my handbag when it rained one day and now it’s all torn and smeared and ruined.

 

I didn’t really have MUCH of a desire to go and actually make an appointment though, and only went to see the doctor to get a prescription for anti depressants / anti anxiety meds, and he gave me the therapist referral too.

 

I just don’t know how much help talking to a professional will really do. I know a lot on a mental level. It’s the feeling it emotionally that’s difficult.

 

So…yeah.

 

In terms of you, Fooled2manyx…I feel you very strongly in this situation. My ex-MM did the same thing to me. He just…left. Stopped talking to me completely. We were long distance and online / text only, but would spend every possible moment together in those ways when we could. We always arranged chat times online when he was free, and we texted whenever we were able. So…I waited online at our normal time, and he didn’t come…and I waited the next day too, and he didn’t come. He never came there again.

 

I don’t understand how he could have loved me (and yet I KNOW he did, without a doubt in my mind) and do this to me. He KNEW I would’ve been waiting, worrying, freaking out, upset, crying, distraught…and yet still nothing.

 

He FINALLY did explain, after I kept begging him to. So at least that’s something, but I still don’t see how he was capable of doing that to me. I think he found it too hard to move on without me if he had any contact with me, so he just felt he couldn’t…and I guess I can understand that, but it’s SO SELFISH and out of touch with the reality of being a human being.

 

This is the affair bubble mentioned around here quite a bit – in the bubble (the affair reality), it’s very real, genuine love, commitment as much as possible given it’s an affair, plans to REALLY be together, and all that. It’s a REAL relationship. But when it’s over (and for my ex-MM, it COULD have been over 3 previous times because this last time was his FOURTH D-day, but he always came back, kept trying to stay with me), it’s SOOO OVER it’s not even funny. Their affair bubble reality seems to evaporate and it’s as if…in the “best” case scenario, he still genuinely loves you and would be with you in “other” circumstances, but this is now only confined to his individual mind. It’s as if you’re now a sudden figment of his fantasy and nothing more. There’s now no basis rooted in reality, and so he doesn’t see it as completely and heinously WRONG to simply not tell you it’s over. It’s like…we are here going along as normal, thinking “Where is he?” “What’s going on?” “Has he left me? Surely if he had, he’d tell me. If something had happened, he’d TELL me.” “Is he angry at me and ignoring me for some reason?” “Has he had an accident?” and he’s over there, thinking “I love her. I wish things could have been different.” But he’s NOT thinking, for some insane reason related to that lack of reality affair burst bubble thing, “I have to TELL her what’s happened!!”

 

Anyway…I hope if you do talk to someone, that it really helps you.

 

I’m so sorry about your grandfather as well. I’ve been through that. I have no grandparents left now.

[spice4life]

Fool2manyxs, I am in therapy and almost finished and I can honestly say that it saved my life! I too was in a very dark disillusioned state and decided, "you know what? It's time to figure out WTF I was doing and why." It was THE best decision I ever made in my life. I figured out that all the issues in my life had a lot to do with how I was viewing myself on the inside. Your outer world (not talking about your family losses and illnesses) is a rflection of how you feel about yourself on the inside. Something within you is motivating you to seek out situations that are less than ideal and a good therapist can help you uncover what that is so you don't end up in a place like this again. It can be an incredibly liberating experience and one that will lead you to a happier more authentic life and relationship too!

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope you do decide to go to therapy. It will really help.

 

On a side note, you can put MFH on ignore through your profile settings. I'm wondering if she (or he) thinks you are the xOW in her story or something. Don't let her effect you; her opinions do not matter because she is just a stranger on the Internet with an agenda. She is not here to support anyone; she only wants to post and make her opinions known.

Edited February 20, 2013 by spice4life