flattened Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 This is just a rant or something. I'm the dreaded MM. Got involved with someone I work with, fell in love with her. But when things started to get serious (at least on my end), she decided she didn't want me anymore. Of course, I should have ceased all contact and moved on. But we work together, so it's not really possible. We stopped contact for a bit, then we started emailing again (not work email, of course). She wants to maintain some kind of relationship, I just don't know what. She blows hot and cold. Some days she's all friendly and others she just cuts me dead. We go for a week or so without actually talking in person (she avoids me), but she still emails me every day. The emotional turmoil is just killing me. My marriage is done, it's just a question of figuring out how to split up. It's not that my wife wants to, but I can't go on with the relationship after what happened with the xOW. Things are pretty tense everywhere, and trying to maintain some semblance of normality for the kids is really hard. I know I need to end all contact with the xOW. I just don't seem to be able to do it. I've been looking for another job in the hope that that will give me the distance needed to end things. Maybe something will happen on that front in the next month or so, but it's hard. I'm just a wreck at the moment, so it doesn't make it easy to impress in interviews. There's no real point to this, I'm just feeling helpless and out of control. And the xOW seems to be doing just fine, which makes it even harder. Sheesh, what a mess.
stevie_23 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I’m sorry about this. It must be incredibly difficult to have to work and see this OW everyday. She is emotionally abusing you in a way. I don’t know why she’s blowing so hot and cold, but it’s completely unfair on her part, and she is obviously NOT dealing with the situation fine if she is behaving in such confusing and cruel ways towards you.
RickFox Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 And you will be a wreck as long as you are strung along. I say to you what i should have done long ago when i was a wreck. Man up and walk away from her. Its not that you cant its because you dont want to. You hope she will return....you wish. Women are masters of emotion so you wont see if shes hurting but you cant worry about it. She ended it....you finish it. Im assuming your wife knows. Dont end your marriage because you think the OW is on this pedestal that your wife cant measure up to. I was once where you are and I thank God Im not with xmw 3
stevie_23 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I got the impression his marriage was ending for reasons that go above and beyond the OW, but I second the opinion that if there is ANY part of you that might want to try in your marriage, then do so…at least wait until you really do feel indifferent towards the OW before you make any decisions about your marriage. And yes, the reason it’s so difficult for you to be around the OW and that her behaviour affects him is because he still has feelings for her.
Author flattened Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Yes, I still have really strong feelings for the OW. She knows that. I don't hide it from her. I don't know what she wants from me, really. There are some cultural issues that make it hard to figure out, especially because of the hot and cold behaviour. I know I need to just finish it. So far, whenever it's got to the point where I'm about to throw in the towel, she gets warm again, and so I cave. As Rick says, I don't want to walk away from her, so it becomes really hard when she behaves like she doesn't want me to walk away either. I have committed to leaving my job, so that's the first step. As far as my marriage goes, it's not entirely because of the affair. I guess we just drifted apart before that, and the affair just brought all the issues out. My wife doesn't know about the OW. In any event, where I live you have to be separated for at least 1 year before you can even file for divorce, so it's not like there are any snap decisions you can make. I just feel like I need to be away from everything to try start fixing the mess. Not that I think I can even fix it. Thanks for the responses. It helps to have people pointing out where you're being stupid.
RickFox Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Yes, I still have really strong feelings for the OW. She knows that. I don't hide it from her. I don't know what she wants from me, really. There are some cultural issues that make it hard to figure out, especially because of the hot and cold behaviour. I know I need to just finish it. So far, whenever it's got to the point where I'm about to throw in the towel, she gets warm again, and so I cave. As Rick says, I don't want to walk away from her, so it becomes really hard when she behaves like she doesn't want me to walk away either. I have committed to leaving my job, so that's the first step. As far as my marriage goes, it's not entirely because of the affair. I guess we just drifted apart before that, and the affair just brought all the issues out. My wife doesn't know about the OW. In any event, where I live you have to be separated for at least 1 year before you can even file for divorce, so it's not like there are any snap decisions you can make. I just feel like I need to be away from everything to try start fixing the mess. Not that I think I can even fix it. Thanks for the responses. It helps to have people pointing out where you're being stupid. IF you want to make your marraige work you don't need time away from it, you need to do everything you can to find what brings you closer. You need to move away from OW and move fast. I understand how you feel that you've drifted apart, I was there too, but that isn't just your wife's fault, you have to look inward. As far as your OW going hot and cold on you and you not undertstanding what's going on...let me tell you what she's doing. She's playing with you, she's got your attention and she knows it. She can treat you like crap and she knows you will be right back at her feet like a little puppy anytime she chooses to throw you a bone. What she wants from you is your attention, to feed her ego, to make her feel worthwhile, to have you fawn all over her and when she's had her fill, she pushes you away knowing you will be waiting oh so eagerly for the next go round. You probably have a wife at home who is more than willing to talk to you, comfort you, listen to you and not run hot and cold every other day yet you have chosen this other new exciting woman.........and for what? Seems to me to be juvenile games, and I'd guess you are older than the OW? 1
veryhappy Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Do men live in some pocket in time in the 50s? It's as if getting a divorce as a man is such a taboo. All these wives are perfect and angelic and a man couldn't possibly want a divorce. He must stay there with the angel. One year of separation is a long time and if they decide to make it work, there's plenty of time. OP, your OW is cruel. It's not your fault for being so tormented. You will be until you can distance from her, and not only physically. She knows you are hurting and yet is playing hot and cold to soothe her own ego. I suggest you in turn play only cold. No emails outside work, no flirting. She'll be the one going crazy. The good feeling you get when she's playing hot is temporary and you know that. You are trapped as long as you continue. It's really hard to stay away from somebody you don't want to stay away from, but it's doable and your only way to feeling better. 3
Cali408 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I agree with Rick Fox. Work on our marriage. You have the OW on a pedestal, cut off all contact with her. Then reflect back on why you loved your wife when you married her. It's easy to get in the trap of coming home from work, dealing with the family and zoning off watching different tv programs. Start talking to your wife. When she asks you about your day, give her details. Have a conversation. Tell her who you spoke to. Touch her, hug her, give her a kiss. Think logically about divorce. Do you really want to be alone and broke?
Finally Settled Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Is she cruel, or is she giving you a little bit of what she received as your other woman? That's why I asked if she was married. If she's single and she had designs on a future with you, she may have been jerked around a little. Maybe this is her turn to regain her power and let you see what it feels like. I don't know that, but maybe you should look at it from that perspective. She's blowing hot and cold, but you're the one who is staying in a marriage you may well wish to leave. I agree that you should let her go. Decide what you want and pursue it. Woo your wife and see if that is the road you wish to take. Don't waste years of her life if that isn't where you want to be though. She deserves better than that. If you wish to be with the OW, you let her know you're moving out and it's time for you to go into damage control of your own life. You move forward and you get appropriate help. Keep her posted, but do not drag her into it. This is your mess to clean up. You may be lucky enough to have one of them decide you're worth waiting for. Choose wisely and do not go back on your choice.
awkward Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I don't know what she wants from me, really. Maybe she wants to play the push/pull game, blowing hot/cold. Maybe if you didn't wear you emotions on your sleeve and acted like you didn't care, she would want you. Either way though, you will just be prolonging your agony. Also, once you are over OW you might take a second look at your marriage or your ex-marriage and think about it differently. It is hard to see things clearly when your head is up your a**.
Author flattened Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Is she cruel, or is she giving you a little bit of what she received as your other woman? That's why I asked if she was married. Her situation is complicated. She certainly didn't get jerked around by me. I was straight and open and honest with her from the get-go. I was ready to leave my marriage when she decided to end things. The emotional turmoil that resulted made things harder for me in terms of dealing with my marriage. She has said in the past she didn't want to be responsible for my marriage breaking up. And I've always said to her, ending my marriage is my responsibility, not hers or anyone else's. She's blowing hot and cold, but you're the one who is staying in a marriage you may well wish to leave. I've read so many times on LS that people should just get divorced if they can't fix it. But now that I'm in the middle of this, I just have to say that it's way way harder than "just get divorced". Even just separating is really hard. No matter what other emotions I'm going through, nothing compares to the knife in you when your kids cling to you and say are you going to be back tonight. And the emotions your spouse is going through. And the logistics and finances. It's just crazy to expect that you can just up and leave without a second thought. I agree that you should let her go. Decide what you want and pursue it. What I want and what I can have don't quite align, unfortunately... Hence the mess. This is your mess to clean up. It most certainly is. And I'm not doing very well at cleaning up. Just making it through the day is almost beyond me right now.
Finally Settled Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I was honest too, but no matter the words there are times when your actions provide hope your words never promise. I don't know your story so I'm sorry if my post was out of line. I understand what you're saying about divorce not being simple. Anyone who says 'just divorce' has never been in the position they had to do it. Many years ago I told my exwife that I thought we should separate. There was nothing specific leading up to it and looking back I think her pain was barely less than the pain of the affair. I pulled back quickly because I couldn't do that to her. Looking back, I should have. It's very difficult to divorce without some event leading into it. I've been in a similar situation to yours. I understand your emotions running wild and the confusion. I wasn't judging you or trying to find fault. It's a decision you need to make when the time is right. Be mindful of your wife and how every interaction could be affecting her. Her situation is complicated. She certainly didn't get jerked around by me. I was straight and open and honest with her from the get-go. I was ready to leave my marriage when she decided to end things. The emotional turmoil that resulted made things harder for me in terms of dealing with my marriage. She has said in the past she didn't want to be responsible for my marriage breaking up. And I've always said to her, ending my marriage is my responsibility, not hers or anyone else's. I've read so many times on LS that people should just get divorced if they can't fix it. But now that I'm in the middle of this, I just have to say that it's way way harder than "just get divorced". Even just separating is really hard. No matter what other emotions I'm going through, nothing compares to the knife in you when your kids cling to you and say are you going to be back tonight. And the emotions your spouse is going through. And the logistics and finances. It's just crazy to expect that you can just up and leave without a second thought. What I want and what I can have don't quite align, unfortunately... Hence the mess. It most certainly is. And I'm not doing very well at cleaning up. Just making it through the day is almost beyond me right now.
RickFox Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Her situation is complicated. She certainly didn't get jerked around by me. I was straight and open and honest with her from the get-go. I was ready to leave my marriage when she decided to end things. The emotional turmoil that resulted made things harder for me in terms of dealing with my marriage. She has said in the past she didn't want to be responsible for my marriage breaking up. And I've always said to her, ending my marriage is my responsibility, not hers or anyone else's. I've read so many times on LS that people should just get divorced if they can't fix it. But now that I'm in the middle of this, I just have to say that it's way way harder than "just get divorced". Even just separating is really hard. No matter what other emotions I'm going through, nothing compares to the knife in you when your kids cling to you and say are you going to be back tonight. And the emotions your spouse is going through. And the logistics and finances. It's just crazy to expect that you can just up and leave without a second thought. What I want and what I can have don't quite align, unfortunately... Hence the mess. It most certainly is. And I'm not doing very well at cleaning up. Just making it through the day is almost beyond me right now. So you told her you were ready to end it for her, and when she found that out, sh*t got real, REAL FAST. She ended it right there becuase you ended the fantasy that she was living in. Funny how many of the A's are so similar in many of their situations. When I told my xmw that I had an apartment lined up and was ready to go, her words were: "let me know how that goes." All that talk about being together, all the you are the best thing that has ever happened to me crap.... none of it mattered anymore.... No matter how complicated her situation is, there's no excuse for the behavior she exhibits, maybe she's confused, maybe she truly loves you but you know what, the games are still high school games and you have a marriage that probably can be saved. You wanna know what's tough? When your W tells your daughter to get her things because they are leaving and your daughter cries so hysterically she ends up in an asthma attack and asks if she will ever live in this house again while clinging to you and screaming. You wanna put things in perspective over what amounted to a brand new piece of a**, that'll help you see what you are giving up, what you built for a fantasy, one in which would all likelihood end up being not so very fantastic. Who knows, maybe it would be all that you'd want...so then, go after her, tell her you love her, but judging by the way she's behaving, I bet she'd close the door in your face while you sat there wondering why.......... that part is all too familiar to me(projecting? yep.) Only you can decide what you need to do but I promise you, as long as you allow yourself to be played with, you will never figure out what is best for you, your marriage and your family. It's amazing what you see when the rose colored glasses come off.
woinlove Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 (edited) Rick, your wife knows all about your A. I don't think one can have a marriage worth saving with such deception hanging over it as flattened is doing. If keeping up the deception is important to him, he probably should divorce, because there will always be a lack of intimacy. Doesn't sound like the OW is very interested in you outside of an A, with her behavior when you were ready to end your M and the hot and cold stuff. You said you can't have what you want, but didn't say what it is you want. Do you want the OW? If so, you could act uninterested, or better yet, stay married or get involved with someone else, and that would likely pique her interest in you from what you write. But is that what you really want? Or do you want a different person who doesn't exist, someone like your fantasy of OW who really loves you for who you are and wants to be with you out in the open when you are divorced? The OW is sending you plenty of signals but you seem to be ignoring them. Hot and cold is not how one behaves with someone one truly loves. You say divorce is difficult but you have chosen a much more difficult path by involving a third party before divorcing. I would say that is what is really difficult and confusing all your thinking. If you had not chosen that path, things would be clearer. Maybe time to learn why you thought that was an easier path, when it is actually a more difficult path. Edited February 19, 2013 by woinlove
Act Two Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I've read so many times on LS that people should just get divorced if they can't fix it. But now that I'm in the middle of this, I just have to say that it's way way harder than "just get divorced". Even just separating is really hard. No matter what other emotions I'm going through, nothing compares to the knife in you when your kids cling to you and say are you going to be back tonight. And the emotions your spouse is going through. And the logistics and finances. It's just crazy to expect that you can just up and leave without a second thought. What I want and what I can have don't quite align, unfortunately... Hence the mess. . Yeah, I get that. There's a lot of blase talk about "just get a divorce" when it is infinitely more complicated than that, especially with children involved. Most of that advice comes from people who have not and are not divorced too.
Author flattened Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Only you can decide what you need to do but I promise you, as long as you allow yourself to be played with, you will never figure out what is best for you, your marriage and your family. It's amazing what you see when the rose colored glasses come off. I know this. The glasses aren't entirely rose coloured. I can process it all intellectually, but I'm really struggling with the emotions. I'm an engineer, I can solve problems with math and logic, it's the fuzzy human interactions that completely screw me around.
Author flattened Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Rick, your wife knows all about your A. I don't think one can have a marriage worth saving with such deception hanging over it as flattened is doing. If keeping up the deception is important to him, he probably should divorce, because there will always be a lack of intimacy. No, there's no desire for deception. There were things I didn't do with the OW because I didn't want the lies and deception that were required. I can't see how to reconcile with my wife either, because of what happened and how I feel about the OW and my wife. There's more than I'm saying here, obviously. But, because it's going down the path of divorce, I don't see any need to further hurt my wife by telling her. That's a debate for another thread. Doesn't sound like the OW is very interested in you outside of an A, with her behavior when you were ready to end your M and the hot and cold stuff. I think I know that deep down, but I still don't have my head and my heart pointing in the same direction. That's why I'm a mess, I suppose. You said you can't have what you want, but didn't say what it is you want. Do you want the OW? Yes. In a relationship out in the open. But, that's not going to happen. Still trying to beat that into my thick head. You say divorce is difficult but you have chosen a much more difficult path by involving a third party before divorcing. No kidding. It certainly wasn't what I planned, and certainly not where I thought I would ever be in my life. There are other threads where I've said it just happened, and I still feel that way. Whatever. It happened, and now I'm here. And I don't know how to move on. I guess that's why I'm writing stuff on LS. Maybe that will help.
psm04 Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I feel for you. She definitely knows what she is doing, and she obviously does not show you the respect you deserve. She is playing with your emotions. The next time she does this to you, you need to confront her and tell her that you are not going to be good with this hot and cold attitude. Or, you can just go completely cold yourself, and let her realize how it feels. Also, if you do end up divorcing your wife, and getting together with her, it sounds like she will have big commitment issues.
Lillyfree Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 ask her. sit her down and talk to her. one thing i would have done differently if i had a do-over would be to do just that, instead of torturing myself and analysing his behaviour for weeks before and after i broke it off. it will just make things that much easier for you.
Author flattened Posted February 27, 2013 Author Posted February 27, 2013 Just venting again. Just seeing people posting here about how their xMM keeps contacting them and behaving like an ass. I guess I can provide the balance. Had a particular problem to deal with yesterday that meant I had to spend a lot of time with xOW. She was all sweet and friendly. Then we had a fire alarm, and a bunch of us are standing outside. She comes up to the group. Looks around. Sees me, and just turns her back on me and starts talking to others in the group. Grrr. Of course it's my problem to deal with. But man it hurts. Leaves me feeling like crap. Whoosh down to the bottom of the rollercoaster we go. Today is just really really bad.
spice4life Posted February 27, 2013 Posted February 27, 2013 She's playing awful games with you. you need to stand up for yourself and not tolerate that kind of behavior. Ignore her and don't give in to her attempts at being sweet. Why allow yourself to be tortured? Tell her you want zero to do with her since she can't act like an adult. Period. 1
Author flattened Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 So leave your marriage. What's stopping you? Why keep your wife in a M in which her own H doesn't love her? Marriage is done. THEN... you can focus on a R with someone who actually has a shot at having one with you. I was just venting. I have really strong feelings for the OW, but she seems to have the ability to just yank my chain. I know I need to be done with it, I am just really struggling to let go.
Author flattened Posted February 28, 2013 Author Posted February 28, 2013 She's playing awful games with you. you need to stand up for yourself and not tolerate that kind of behavior. Ignore her and don't give in to her attempts at being sweet. Why allow yourself to be tortured? Tell her you want zero to do with her since she can't act like an adult. Period. Yes. I tell myself this all the time. Doesn't work so well when she turns on the charm. Because she is really charming. And I really fell for her. Anyway, I almost have a new job lined up. That will certainly put an end to seeing her most of the day, every day. 1
spice4life Posted February 28, 2013 Posted February 28, 2013 Yes. I tell myself this all the time. Doesn't work so well when she turns on the charm. Because she is really charming. And I really fell for her. Anyway, I almost have a new job lined up. That will certainly put an end to seeing her most of the day, every day. That's great! You have an out then. It will be so much easier when she is not in your space and imposing on you when she feels like it.
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