Leaving my fiance

[mirja]

I have been with my fiance for over 5 years, aside from a two month period that we were broken up about 3.5 years ago. I met him on the Internet, and I knew that dating him was probably not the best idea, considering he had been in jail for theatening his mother and had no job, no car, and no money. But I did anyway, and the relationship was fine for a while, although he was exceptionally immature. He was also very mean to his mother (whom he lived with), but she was equally mean and often provoked him, plus she stole money from him once he got a job, so I generally ignored it.

 

I helped him find a job and an apartment, and I hoped that living on his own would make him grow up a bit, but instead, he became even more immature, spent all his money, and quit his job. I helped him find three more jobs, and he ended up getting fired from all of them because he would keep calling off. I ended up paying his rent, even though I really couldn't afford it. He also borrowed my car a lot, and would bring it back with barely enough gas to start it back up, and there were lots of times that I couldn't go to school because I had no gas money and he went through an entire tank of gas the night before. He also became mean and violent towards me, especially if I told him no, and eventually the relationship crumbled apart. After he moved back home with his mother, I left him. Upon leaving him, he smashed my car windows and threw everything I had at his house into the street.

 

For whatever the reason, two months later I took him back after he showed up at my job begging me to give him another chance. I was very hesitant, but I ended up giving in. His personality was considerably changed, and he hasn't laid a finger on me since. Shortly after getting back together, he proposed, and I said yes. I got him a job where I worked, and he stayed there for a long time. He even saved up money to buy a car. Unfortunately, it was a piece of junk and broke down less than a month after he got it. However, he did managed to save more and buy a more decent vehicle, but he never saved any afterwards, and when that car broke down, he couldn't fix it.

 

Flash forward to this past year. Last February, we decided we would try to finance a car so he could get a better job and eventually move out again. His credit was awful, and mine was ok, so we put the car in my name. He found a full time job and things went ok for a while... he made more than enough to make the car and insurance payment and to have extra for spending. Then one day he decided he hated his job and quit. So I got stuck paying for the car out of my savings for a few months until he found a new job, which was twice as far away and paid less. He's been at that job for a while now, but often calls off, and he usually spends too much money, and I still get stuck paying part of the car payment because he doesn't give me enough. He's been acting mean towards his mother again, and been very mean to their cats. Just the other day, one of the cats knocked something over, so he picked it up and literally threw it out of the room.

 

He constantly complains about how terrible his job is and how he needs to quit and that he would be so much happier being a hobo. Sometimes he says that it's my fault he can't be happy because I make him go to work. He often gets mad at me if I have school work to do on the weekends, because "I ruin his weekend." He also often calls me names and accuses me of having affairs with my professors and other students because I mention them to him. Sometimes he even gets mad at me if I get excited about something I'm doing at school because "it's not fair" that I get to be happy and he doesn't.

 

I've tried to break up with him a few times, but everytime he swears he'll change his attitude and that once we're married and he's not living with his mother, he'll feel better about his life and be a good husband. I want to believe that he's telling the truth, but so far, he's been acting exactly the same. He'll act positive and behave properly for a while, but he always ends up returning to his depressed mood and having bursts of anger.

 

We are supposed to get married this summer, but I've been putting off sending out save-the-dates and getting the photographer and DJ and whatnot because I really don't think I want to marry him. I told him I didn't want to marry him just the other day, but he refused to let me leave him and went on and on about how the future would be great, and I just couldn't bring myself to tell him no. So now I'm still stuck, unsure if I want to marry him. My friends and parents know about doubts and they all told me I should at the very least postpone the wedding, if not leave him. I feel like if I don't outright leave him, I'm just going to be stuck in limbo like this forever. At the same time, I really want to give him a chance to prove to me that he can change, but I feel like unless he can move out and get away from his mother and find a better job, he won't be able to. I just don't want to marry him and have him quit his job and put the burden of supporting us on me, and then mistreat me on top of that.

 

Really, I just don't know what to do. I love him, but I feel like love isn't enough. Sometimes I feel like he wants me to be the mother he didn't have and take care of him, rather than be his partner, and that's not the relationship I want.

[creighton0123]

You should talk to a specialist who deals with the emotions that coincide with victims of domestic abuse. Whether or not he has ever physically touched you, the actions he has taken towards you and your response towards him point in a direction that accurately paints you as a victim.

 

This is not a relationship that will end well. Throwing a civil marriage license into the mix will make it all the more complicated. If and when you do leave him, you should not do so alone. Make sure that it is in public and that you have a safe place to go afterwards.

 

He reads like a very selfish man with a certain level of mental instability, using you not because of any genuine feelings towards you, but because of what you give him.

 

I would also advise that the day you end it with him is the same day you sell the car that is in your name that you have been paying for.

[Ajax]

I like to believe that people can change, but I think that they only do after a life altering experience. In the case of your fiance, my gut tells me the leopard won't change his spots. Marriage doesn't solve problems. It's not a magic bullet, and the problems that exist now will continue after the wedding.

 

What will make things change? Well he has to get serious for a start. If he has issues with depression then therapy is a given. Unfortunately your fiance doesn't sound like he will be open to making the necessary changes until he has a life altering experience, as mentioned before. And I'm afraid that that life altering experience will have to be losing you. From what you've said, that sounds like the only thing that will have a big enough impact to motivate him to get his stuff together. And maybe not even then.

 

The bottom line for you is that this is not a healthy relationship and it will not become a healthy marriage. It seems you've bent over backwards for this man but he's not willing to shoulder his share of the work. And now you've come to the logical, albeit painful, conclusion.

[TaraMaiden]

The two above posts are really, REALLY worth listening to.

 

You need to put some distance between you and him and get your heard straight.

 

This is NOT a good relationship.

It's not productive and it is most certainly not honest.

 

Try to understand this:

if he really wanted to change, he would ahve made efforts already.

 

And if he's looking to replace his mother with you - guess which way the abuse will shift?

 

If he's saying one thing, but his actions do not abck his words up - then alwaqys, always believe his actions.

They are honest, and a true indication of what he is like.

 

Anyone can say anything they like - but what they do, is far more revealing.

People do what takes least effort - and staying precisely the way he is, takes no effort at all.

Change - takes a real will, to change.

 

Please think on this:

Whatever objections you may throw up at out advice, we will conter-answer them.

 

What do you think we would say to your objections, then?

 

If people all around you are telling yo to quit this, to leave and to finish this relationship, then surely, you should believe them.

Because if nothing else, 100 people all saying the same thing, can't all be wrong.

[KatZee]

I would get out of this situation ASAP. A marriage is going to do nothing but complicate your problems 10 fold.

 

It's clear who your fiance is. An abuser who is financially irresponsible, doesn't feel the need to provide for himself, or you as a family unit. He's miserable to his mother, abuses animals? Has put his hands on you (and don't think he won't do it again, HE WILL).

 

This man is sick. Very sick. Run now, while you still can. Take the hit on vendors, it's just money, they are only things. You can get that back. What you can't get back is a happy and fulfilling life if you're to marry this person.

 

He can cry his crocodile tears all day long, he's NOT going to change. He really has no reason to. Would you want to raise babies with this volatile man as well? Would you want a baby girl to see that how he treats you is the way men treat women? You will only be continuing this cycle of abuse and dysfunction.

 

Get out. ASAP.

[veggirl]

go sell the car before you do anything. otherwise he'll probably destroy it and you'll be stuck paying for a jacked up car.

[lovelifexx]

I am sorry but I can't for the life of me understand why you love this person. He sounds like a very sick, disturbed, evil person. Even if he can be kind and loving sometimes. He was a long list of very serious faults. Seriously, this guy scares me.

[mirja]

lovelifexx - you ask a very good question. I don't even understand why or how I love him. I wouldn't say he is an evil person, just troubled and unable to deal with his emotions properly. I guess I love him for all of his positive qualities (which he really does have), but at this point, the faults are far outweighing the positives.

 

Ajax and TaraMaiden - I definitely understand what you are getting at. I know people don't like to change and I know chances are slim that he will actually do it unless I do leave him. I didn't get change out of him last time until I left him, and many of those changes were only temporary. In fact, if I really think about it, I'm not sure any of the changes lasted. Sure, he stopped abusing me and stopped using all of my gas... but he replaced those actions with some abuse towards animals and the destruction of property (he sometimes takes his anger out on different objects, like doors, keyboards, alarm clocks, etc), and he found other ways to waste my money. My best friend said to me yesterday that change really can't be permanent. Would I be able to act like an idiot forever if he asked me to? Eventually I'd get tired of it, just as eventually he'd get tired of trying to fit into the role I need him to play.

 

Creighton and KatZee - I think you are right that a marriage will only complicate things, and the problems will only get worse. That is one of the things I really think about. Once we're married, he really won't have any reason to "prove himself worthy" so to speak, and he can relax into whatever personality/mental state he is most comfortable in, and it will probably make me miserable.

 

The worst part is that in one day, I manage to go back and forth between thoughts of marrying him and leaving him at least three or four times. It's like a battle in my mind between the "love conquers all" mentality and the logical side of my mind reminding me that life isn't a fairy tale. The good news is that I am able to distance myself from him on a regular basis - I generally don't see him on weekdays because our schedules conflict. Which is probably why every Friday I'm ready to leave him and every Sunday I'm ready to marry him.

[TaraMaiden]

Let me tell you a really sad thing:

 

If you marry him, complacency will set in.

He will stop making the nominal effort he is making at the moment, to at least be nice at weekends, and when he has you full time, 24/7, 7/7 52/1, he won't have to make that effort any more.

And the negative, lazy, taking-things-for-granted will blossom, bloom, and get stronger, more prevalent and habitual.

And you will have lost sight of the 'Mr Occasionally-Nice-Guy' altogether.

 

As you yourself have pointed out - what will there be left to prove?

 

It's desperately sad, I know, to throw the good away with the bad - but it's really a question of determining how much of that 'good' you feel will be long-lasting.

 

And currently, you're clutching at straws... and there ain't much to cling to, is there?

[mirja]

No, there isn't much to cling to at all.

 

After contemplating what everyone has said, and thinking about Creighton's suggestion that I am still a victim of abuse (I never considered myself as being abused during the second part of our relationship), I came to realize that yes, I am still being used and abused. And I feel guilty about wanting to leave! I feel like his life will be fall apart without me, that he'll be alone for the rest of his life, that he'll end up killing himself. And I know that it isn't my responsibility, but I still feel bad, because I love him and I don't want to see him suffer. This is quite a terrible set of emotions indeed. And that is why it is difficult to leave.

[TaraMaiden]

Remember that his life is a series of choices.

Everything he's done, so far, has been his choice; he has decided which path to take, and has made some good decisions, but also followed them with risky, unwise and downright wrong ones.

 

You cannot fix this.

It's not your responsibility to make up for this, or stay with him out of pity, sympathy and what is known as "Idiot Compassion".

 

Idiot compassion cripples and impedes.

Wise Compassion encourages and enables.

 

What you are doing by 'holding him up' is basically telling him that it's ok with you, that he's damaged goods. You're 'approving' that by sticking around and making allowances.

 

Your responsibility in this - is that you're tacitly and unconsciously enabling his behaviour.

 

Your kindness, and loving attitude is actually keeping this stuck in 'broken' mode.

 

And you do NOT want to be doing that.

His "hold" over you -

 

his life will be fall apart without me, that he'll be alone for the rest of his life, that he'll end up killing himself.

 

- may be a realistic scenario, or it may not.

But that isn't your part to make up for.

Therapy is not your training. It's not your career, profession or vocation.

 

This is not your ball to pick up and run with.

 

Stand in front of the mirror and take a good long look at what you are personally, completely and solely responsible for.

 

Then look after that, because you have one chance to make this right for yourself.

 

So you know what you have to do.

[KatZee]

The worst part is that in one day, I manage to go back and forth between thoughts of marrying him and leaving him at least three or four times.

 

Listen, at the end of the day, if you have to do THIS much thinking, and you're back and forth like this every single day, he's NOT the man for you and that is your RATIONAL brain SCREAMING at you to wake up and to get out of this situation.

 

It's basically the fight between your brain and heart. Please listen to your brain. That is the organ that really cares about your well-being.

[geegirl]

Read up on Co-Dependency. You are the poster child for putting the needs of others ahead of yours even if it's screaming detriment to you and your future. Suffering the consequences in hopes of making someone happy even if it destroys your life is senseless. And when you do that, there is clearly something wrong within your emotional and mental sense.

 

Get yourself to a therapist. If you think this is bad, wait until you get married. It doesn't get better. It gets worse. And you would have completely sacrificed your life all for the sake of an abuser.

 

And trust, he wouldn't have the least amount of concern if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

Prioritize your life. You only have one chance.