Need to end things forever, but unsuccessful so far

[psm04]

Hi all, my story has been going on for 2 years now, and I'm at the point where I really need help with ending things, once and for all, with no relapse. I am married, and met my older MM at work over two years ago. We started talking, and felt a connection pretty soon. In a few months, we crossed the line from being really good co-workers/friends to something else, and it has been a whirlwind ever since. In the very beginning stages of our affair, he used to say that he loves his wife and that he was never planning on leaving etc.. But then, he started getting jealous of me talking with other co-workers (innocent conversations), and he confessed to me that he has deep feelings for me. His main thing is that he has kids, and he cannot break up his family because of what it'll do to them. I don't have any kids, but I truly love my husband, and I hate that I'm doing this to someone who doesn't deserve it one bit. And I don't understand why I am doing this if I am happy and I love my husband. We have both tried to end it many times, but with no luck. We always get back together, and the cycle repeats. The last time, I actually told him that I had feelings, but I did NOT want to act on them. Literally 2 days later, we were in his car after a work outing that involved alcohol, and he told me at that time that he loves me. We have not had intercourse throughout this whole ordeal, but we have done other intimate acts.

 

Obviously, I am going to have to end all contact (except when needed at work) with him and not be in social situations with him in order to really end it. The fact that we work together gets in the way of that. Plus honestly, it tears me up to think of not being able to talk to him, since we have a pretty good friendship too, but my heart breaks every time I think about not being able to be with him, and I get very jealous if I hear anything about his wife. So really, I guess it isn't really a true friendship, since some conversation topics are off limits.

 

I'm sorry for all the blabbering, but I'm truly conflicted and heart broken, and I don't know what to do, or what the best thing to do is. I know that ending it with him will give me peace, and I can concentrate on my marriage, but I'm so afraid of how much it is going to hurt. Any advice is greatly appreciated, especially on the whole 'no contact' thing, which is something we haven't been able to do so far. And, although I deserve any mean or judgmental comments, I am truly trying to do the right thing here; I just haven't been successful yet.

[kamani]

You are not going to end this as long as you work together. It's impossible.

 

Decide what is more important to you. Your job or your marriage? If your marriage is more important to you, you can do anything to save it.

[whichwayisup]

I agree. Quit the job or ask for a transfer. You two are also not 'good' friends, you are affair partners now so whatever nice friendship you had before the lines were crossed, is gone. No way can you two keep a casual buddy friendship going.

 

I say, let your husband know about this man and what happened. Be honest. It's a sure way of ending your A, and it'll MAKE you focus on your husband and really working on you to find out why you allowed yourself to fall for another man. you say your H is great and you love him but something is obviously missing inside of you to reach out and let another man close to you, emotionally and intimately.

 

Let your H decide if he wants to reconnect with you, fix things or take a break from the marriage, maybe separate. i know you probably won't like that bit of advice because it does make you face what you've done, suffer some consquences and also makes you deal/face yourself and your own issues.

[CautionaryTale]

As long as you're working side by side with the man, nothing will change. It's incredibly unfortunate and it's not always easy to find other work - but try. Start getting your feelers out there. It will be so much easier being without him if you actually are without him.

 

Friendship is just not possible, and incredibly disrespectful to your husband. You've already admitted though that it's not real, so you know the deal there, which is great. You seem genuine in wanting to work on your marriage.

 

I think that you need to be honest with your husband. If the truth comes out later and he hears it elsewhere things will be much, much worse. You need to figure out what it is that's lacking so you can work on it. Why did this start? How? Is it just a boundary issue you have or are you missing something at home as well?

[psm04]

Hi all, thank you so much for the responses! Leaving my job isn't an option right now since I left a very bad one to start the one I have now, and I really like it. As far as talking to my husband, I have mentioned certain things to him, but I have never said anything about any physical activity. I cannot handle his devastation.

 

The situation with the MM is getting more complicated as time goes on. He asked me if I was feeling okay today, and that led to us almost having an argument, like a couple, due to some misunderstandings. I fully intended on breaking things off completely, but found out today that he's dealing with some personal issues at home, and so I didn't want to talk about this stuff in the middle of it. Has anyone ever felt like they loved and cherished their spouse, but also loved the person that they were having an affair with? I do love him in some ways, and that's why it is harder to just break things off. I'm so upset that I started this mess to begin with. I don't even know why I did. My marriage definitely isn't passionate, and my husband isn't a great communicator, and I believe that it was a combination of those two things that led me down this path.

 

What is the best way to end things? Should I show him the courtesy by sending an email/talking face to face, or should I just turn stone cold and never say hi or respond to him?

[SucksBeingtheOW]

Go into his office with a jukebox & blast BYE BYE BYE by NSync as loud as the volume could possibly go. He should get the message after that.

 

 

 

this made me smile! If only it were that easy eh? I'm sorry that you are going through this, and that leaving your job is not an option. Have you tried talking to the MM about seriously not doing this any more?

[CautionaryTale]

Hi all, thank you so much for the responses! Leaving my job isn't an option right now since I left a very bad one to start the one I have now, and I really like it. As far as talking to my husband, I have mentioned certain things to him, but I have never said anything about any physical activity. I cannot handle his devastation.

 

The situation with the MM is getting more complicated as time goes on. He asked me if I was feeling okay today, and that led to us almost having an argument, like a couple, due to some misunderstandings. I fully intended on breaking things off completely, but found out today that he's dealing with some personal issues at home, and so I didn't want to talk about this stuff in the middle of it. Has anyone ever felt like they loved and cherished their spouse, but also loved the person that they were having an affair with? I do love him in some ways, and that's why it is harder to just break things off. I'm so upset that I started this mess to begin with. I don't even know why I did. My marriage definitely isn't passionate, and my husband isn't a great communicator, and I believe that it was a combination of those two things that led me down this path.

 

What is the best way to end things? Should I show him the courtesy by sending an email/talking face to face, or should I just turn stone cold and never say hi or respond to him?

 

Things WILL NOT end until you're no longer having to face it every day. You can't go stone cold with a man you work with. Your feelings are still very much there and that will only last so long before some sort of tragedy hits and you comfort each other. You need to face the mess and decide if you want to save your marriage.

 

Losing your job and dealing with the devastation of your husband are the consequences for your actions/choices. Your husband needs to know what's been happening so that he has the free will to decide what HE wants. He deserves that much. Communication has to go both ways.

 

Passion isn't something that just continues naturally. It has to be worked on and no one has ever said that's easy. It's something that every person, in every relationship will eventually struggle with.

 

Nothing will change as long as you're going to continue working with AP partner however. I think your first obstacle will be coming clean with your husband, from there, TOGETHER you will decide how to handle things. If you want to save your marriage you will do whatever you can to do so.

[jwi71]

Hi all, thank you so much for the responses! Leaving my job isn't an option right now since I left a very bad one to start the one I have now, and I really like it.

 

How well do you think you have hidden your A?

IME, these office A's are never as hidden as the participants are want to believe - especially if you two go on "acting like a couple" and argue at work. Very professional no? I am willing to bet the rumor machine is in top gear.

 

As far as talking to my husband, I have mentioned certain things to him, but I have never said anything about any physical activity. I cannot handle his devastation.

 

While its ultimately your choice I believe its a poor one. I won't go into the reasons why as you are not likely to entertain the idea(s) I present.

 

I don't even know why I did.

 

This should either frighten the beejeezus out of you or its a lie you tell yourself.

 

So, how did you think having an A with a coworker was going to help your M?

How has it helped your M?

 

My marriage definitely isn't passionate, and my husband isn't a great communicator, and I believe that it was a combination of those two things that led me down this path.

 

Nope. You don't get to blame your M or your H for having an A.

That's 100% solely on you.

 

As I asked above...how was your A supposed to help?

And what was it to help?

 

What is the best way to end things?

 

Quit your job and go NC. Its very hard to exit an A to begin with - if you don't believe me then read a few pages of LS - or simply witness your own inner turmoil. The added complexity for you is he is a coworker - hopefully not your boss. Its going to prove extraordinarily difficult to detach and heal when you see and interact with your lover (or former lover) every day. How can you expect to now abide by boundaries when you have, to date, failed to do so?

 

Should I show him the courtesy by sending an email/talking face to face, or should I just turn stone cold and never say hi or respond to him?

 

The BEST way is to inform him, in no uncertain terms, that he is to never see, call, email, text, chat or anything else you again. Its over, thanks for the memories - ciao baby.

 

Except you can't. You have to work with him. So, every contact, however professional, keeps the A alive at some level. Always wondering if "he's over you" or "doing ok". Always the "there's that smile again". It'll be hell. Again, simply read LS and I've yet to read anyone say how easy it was to end an office A.

 

Best you can do is tell him "its over". Only contact me with work.

And yes, the office will pick up on the once chummy vibe is now an ef you vibe. It won't take long for everyone to figure out why. Or at least gossip and rumor about it. You know how the office is.

 

Clearly - you have a long road in front of you.

 

And, if I may, what keeps you, in the future, having not addressed the issues in your M, from cheating yet again?

 

In other words...now that the A is over, or nearly so, what are you going to do to prevent such from happening again? Or are you simply trying to end this A - and wait for another OM to again apply to yourself?

 

In other words, what are you doing to improve your M and your life as opposed to putting such at risk?

[psm04]

How well do you think you have hidden your A?

IME, these office A's are never as hidden as the participants are want to believe - especially if you two go on "acting like a couple" and argue at work. Very professional no? I am willing to bet the rumor machine is in top gear.

 

 

 

While its ultimately your choice I believe its a poor one. I won't go into the reasons why as you are not likely to entertain the idea(s) I present.

 

 

 

This should either frighten the beejeezus out of you or its a lie you tell yourself.

 

So, how did you think having an A with a coworker was going to help your M?

How has it helped your M?

 

 

 

Nope. You don't get to blame your M or your H for having an A.

That's 100% solely on you.

 

As I asked above...how was your A supposed to help?

And what was it to help?

 

 

 

Quit your job and go NC. Its very hard to exit an A to begin with - if you don't believe me then read a few pages of LS - or simply witness your own inner turmoil. The added complexity for you is he is a coworker - hopefully not your boss. Its going to prove extraordinarily difficult to detach and heal when you see and interact with your lover (or former lover) every day. How can you expect to now abide by boundaries when you have, to date, failed to do so?

 

 

 

The BEST way is to inform him, in no uncertain terms, that he is to never see, call, email, text, chat or anything else you again. Its over, thanks for the memories - ciao baby.

 

Except you can't. You have to work with him. So, every contact, however professional, keeps the A alive at some level. Always wondering if "he's over you" or "doing ok". Always the "there's that smile again". It'll be hell. Again, simply read LS and I've yet to read anyone say how easy it was to end an office A.

 

Best you can do is tell him "its over". Only contact me with work.

And yes, the office will pick up on the once chummy vibe is now an ef you vibe. It won't take long for everyone to figure out why. Or at least gossip and rumor about it. You know how the office is.

 

Clearly - you have a long road in front of you.

 

And, if I may, what keeps you, in the future, having not addressed the issues in your M, from cheating yet again?

 

In other words...now that the A is over, or nearly so, what are you going to do to prevent such from happening again? Or are you simply trying to end this A - and wait for another OM to again apply to yourself?

 

In other words, what are you doing to improve your M and your life as opposed to putting such at risk?

 

Actually, we don't act like a couple or argue at work or anything like that. Most of our conversations are through IM, and we don't talk about personal things on there. We don't even go out to lunch together. He keeps to himself most of the time. And no, he's not my boss (thank goodness)

 

As far as how it helped my marriage, it made me start going to therapy, and my H has also been a part of it, and we have been discussing our marriage. The A did make me realize that I love my husband, even though our marriage has issues and I don't feel that passion and attraction any longer. But as you can see in my other posts, the A isn't completely over yet because there is still some residual 'stuff' that me and the MM are dealing with.

 

I know that I will not put myself in this situation with another person. This has been emotional turmoil, and has almost put me down the path of depression several times. The high of the A followed by the incredible devastating low has been too much to handle. It has happened so many times, fortunately not too much anymore since I've started making steps to end things. I used to make myself available to him all the time, only to never hear from him. I've stopped all of that. And I am trying to work on my M. Some of the things that the MM is disappointed with are the lack of interest his W shows in the things that he has to say, and her controlling/high strung behavior. I'm trying to not be that way in my own marriage, after seeing what it does to someone's self esteem. The therapy has been helping too. Like i said, the A isn't completely over (the physical part of it is, but the emotional side will linger for a bit longer before hopefully fading away)

[spice4life]

That's great that your marriage is getting better and you're reconnecting with your husband. I hope things continue to work out for you.

 

Why do you have residual stuff to work out with your MM. Can't you just tell him you are working on your marriage and want to go NC?

[psm04]

That's great that your marriage is getting better and you're reconnecting with your husband. I hope things continue to work out for you.

 

Why do you have residual stuff to work out with your MM. Can't you just tell him you are working on your marriage and want to go NC?

 

Well, I explicitly told him (without bringing up my marriage since I know how much it hurt me when he talked about his W, so I feel uncomfortable bringing up my M or my H to him) that I didn't want to be doing all of that anymore, and he said that he understood and that I was moving towards the right direction for me. But, it was almost like me saying what I said made him want to continue things even more. The problem we have had so far is with stopping the talking, but I'm at a point where I'm thinking of even stopping that. I just need to be strong, and not worry about his feelings, I guess. I will miss talking to him too. No matter what, I did/do have feelings for him, but as each event happens, I realize reality and how this has just brought me down. Especially with the latest event of him acting jealous, which I've talked about in another post.

[spice4life]

I know, it's hard to let go of something you're so used to. But you know what? If you don't take care of you then no one else will. Charity begins at home. So you just have to muster up the courage and do what it is you need to do for you and YOUR life. His life is his life and his choices are his choices. There is no reason why you should feel obligated to him just because his situation is not enough for him but he chooses to stay.

[psm04]

Thank you for your words, spice4life, and you are right. I'm just afraid of losing that 'friendship' or whatever you want to call it. More than an A, I just wanted to retain that part of us talking about anything and everything. But, it's not like he has always been there for me as a friend anyway. Like I've mentioned before, we don't even have each other's numbers, and we only see each other at work or at work outings. So I guess i'm more like his 'secret' than his friend. Although I saw him as a friend, and not a secret, which was another mistake. I guess you learn a lesson with every experience.

[spice4life]

I know. The truth is though that if your really truly want to dedicate yourself to fixing your marriage then you can't be friends with him. It would be standing in the way because there is still a secret...ya know? It sounds like you're starting to get the courage you need even if it seems a bit hard right now.