pteromom Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 This really has nothing to do with him. It's about being true to yourself. The reason that you feel badly about sleeping with the girl is that you don't want to be a person who is sleeping with someone when you have feelings for someone else. It doesn't matter to you that you haven't had the exclusivity talk yet. I wouldn't tell him - it's just gonna cause insecurities for him. But I would tell him you are bi (or however you define yourself). Talk to him and find out where his head is. If he wants to be exclusive, great. If not, you can decide whether to keep seeing him or not, and keep seeing the girl too if you want. 1
animalover Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 That's a valid point, but at some point you do need to actually verbalize the promise. Before that point you really don't know. Verbalizing those promises are why one ask for exclusivity, ask to get married, then get's married. That was true yesterday, will be true today, and will be true tomorrow...unless we all become psychic. I don't think love or relationships are contracts... everyone involved in the relationship knows how the relationship is.. So if I don't say I want to be exclusive with a girl she has the right to go and screw everyone she wants to? I have even lived with a woman without ever asking her to be exclusive or even to ask her to move into my house... it just naturally happened... I am sorry but exclusivity can only be taken by mistake for those who want to take it that way... OP felt like banging this girl... so her feeling about the exclusivity became more doubtful than before.... if she wants to go ahead with this relationship she should be honest with her boyfriend and tell him what has happened... no relationship should be founded over a lie!
DarrenK Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Ok here my thing obviously your not in love you said that lol but let's say you found out he gave head your slept with a guy last weekend?would you think different about him? Would that be a deal breaker ?lol I mean let's be real some guys may think its hot you slept with a girl and some would find it a turn off!myself I have nothing against gay or lezbian people but id never date a girl that's been with a women simply because it shows obvious attractions to both sexes and would mess with me .what's the difference if he sucked a guy ?point is to some its not in there comfort zone
aed Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 This really has nothing to do with him. It's about being true to yourself. The reason that you feel badly about sleeping with the girl is that you don't want to be a person who is sleeping with someone when you have feelings for someone else. It doesn't matter to you that you haven't had the exclusivity talk yet. I wouldn't tell him - it's just gonna cause insecurities for him. But I would tell him you are bi (or however you define yourself). Talk to him and find out where his head is. If he wants to be exclusive, great. If not, you can decide whether to keep seeing him or not, and keep seeing the girl too if you want. I disagree..... first you need to know if he is looking at your relationship from an exlusivity POV then he will be hurt... doesn't mather and telling him know is the best thing. If he thinks okay we wheren't exclusive (means he doesnt know or thinks about where the relationship is going), when he is hurt he can make his desicion. When you don't tell.. this thing will come out... and we will have a thread like: gf cheated (kind of) in the begining of our relationship. or OP will make a thread like: bf cant get over.....
Mrlonelyone Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I don't think love or relationships are contracts... everyone involved in the relationship knows how the relationship is.. So if I don't say I want to be exclusive with a girl she has the right to go and screw everyone she wants to? I have even lived with a woman without ever asking her to be exclusive or even to ask her to move into my house... it just naturally happened... I am sorry but exclusivity can only be taken by mistake for those who want to take it that way... OP felt like banging this girl... so her feeling about the exclusivity became more doubtful than before.... if she wants to go ahead with this relationship she should be honest with her boyfriend and tell him what has happened... no relationship should be founded over a lie! It's not an all or nothing "relationships are contracts" VS relationships are spiritual and romantic thing. They are both. You need to be able to discuss these things openly and honestly at some point, while having that emotional connection. i.e. One does not ask for exclusivity unless they have been with someone a while and think that it is already a fact. One does not ask for a hand in marriage unless one thinks they will get a yes. One does not even ask for a date, unless their is some indicated interest.
animalover Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 I think the answer is always the same.... a) you are in a casual relationship (non exclusive) he then will have no problems at all with you having sex with other people. b) He felt it as exclusive... if you want a relationship you need to be that relationships are founded in trust and honesty... you don't want to begin a relationship with a lie... as you can imagine... the relationship will never survive like this and therefore you should tell him.
animalover Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 It's not an all or nothing "relationships are contracts" VS relationships are spiritual and romantic thing. They are both. You need to be able to discuss these things openly and honestly at some point, while having that emotional connection. i.e. One does not ask for exclusivity unless they have been with someone a while and think that it is already a fact. One does not ask for a hand in marriage unless one thinks they will get a yes. One does not even ask for a date, unless their is some indicated interest. I never ask for exclusivity... for me exclusivity is implied from the very first time I date a woman. If I find out a woman is dating someone else while dating me I will stop pursuing that woman ipso facto (Latin for immediately after the fact and as consequence of the fact). If I date a woman I want to be the only one, otherwise I am not interested. Women who I date don't need me to tell them that to understand it... you can see the kind of guy I am and how I do behave with them. You say that people don't ask for exclusivity till you are dating someone for a while... I think you are confusing exclusivity with being in a relationship... While I don't consider a woman my girlfriend when I am dating her I still expect her not to date anyone else at that time... if things move forward at an appropriate moment I will ask her to have a relationship (or to become my girlfriend) but while I don't consider that two persons are in a relationship from the beginning of the dating face... I still think that if nothing else have been discussed exclusivity is implied! I honestly think that people should discuss NOT to be in an exclusive arrangement while dating rather than the contrary... For the OP: I think the answer for your problem is always the same.... a) you are in a casual relationship (non exclusive) he then will have no problems at all with you having sex with other people. b) He felt it as exclusive... if you want a relationship you need to be that relationships are founded in trust and honesty... you don't want to begin a relationship with a lie... as you can imagine... the relationship will never survive like this and therefore you should tell him. 2
Author Cealabeala Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 If anyone's interested, I decided to tell him and to explain that it made me realize I want to be exclusive to him on my side anyway. He was really nice about it and said the fact that it was a girl did make a difference and that he wants to be exclusive too. A happy ending!
iKING Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 If anyone's interested, I decided to tell him and to explain that it made me realize I want to be exclusive to him on my side anyway. He was really nice about it and said the fact that it was a girl did make a difference and that he wants to be exclusive too. A happy ending! Excellent, glad it worked out Score one for truth! It did really help that it was a girl and not a guy. 1
silvermercy Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) If anyone's interested, I decided to tell him and to explain that it made me realize I want to be exclusive to him on my side anyway. He was really nice about it and said the fact that it was a girl did make a difference and that he wants to be exclusive too. A happy ending! I'm glad you were honest!! I wish you luck! (This may be a little irrelevant and a topic for another thread, but I will never understand this "difference". Why are some straight people (I noticed men mostly) ok with their bisexual date sleeping with a person of the same gender but not okay when it's the opposite sex? Surely it's the same thing really? If I dated a bisexual man and he slept with a man I would feel the same betrayal as if it was a woman. And I wouldn't find it "hot". Maybe someone will make a thread about it and help me understand...) Edited February 23, 2013 by silvermercy 1
iKING Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I'm glad!! I wish you luck! (This may be a little irrelevant and a topic for another thread, but I will never understand this "difference". Why are some straight people (I noticed men mostly) ok with their bisexual date sleeping with a person of the same gender but not okay when it's the opposite sex? Surely it's the same thing really? If I dated a bisexual man and he slept with a man I would feel the same betrayal. Maybe someone will make a thread about it and help me understand... Being ok with it and not being entirely threatened by it are two different things in this case. It doesn't make it ok, but it makes it less devastating. Some guys would just get a good chuckle out of it and move on, some might even find it an attractive prospect. Really It's just a lesser of two evils.
silvermercy Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) Being ok with it and not being entirely threatened by it are two different things in this case. It doesn't make it ok, but it makes it less devastating. Some guys would just get a good chuckle out of it and move on, some might even find it an attractive prospect. Really It's just a lesser of two evils. Oh yes! It's the lesser of two evils. But... it's still an "evil"??? Anyway, if my bisexual male date did the local male plumber I'd feel both "not okay" and threatened by it. That's why I don't date bi people (no offence meant), I'd feel like I'd have double the competition. Edited February 23, 2013 by silvermercy
iKING Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 Oh yes! It's the lesser of two evils. But... it's still an "evil"??? Anyway, if my bisexual male date did the local male plumber I'd feel both "not okay" and threatened by it. That's why I don't date bi people (no offence meant), I'd feel like I'd have double the competition. Cheating is an evil period, just explaining why it'd be viewed to be less devastating in a circumstance such as this. Dating a bi individual would be tricky I'll agree with you on that. Men tend to take girl on girl situations light heartedly due to social stigma. It's like the old joke about church boys how guy on guy is an atrocious evil yet girl on girl is "oh, that's hot". It's hypocritical and now that I think about it, there's nothing in the bible about girl on girl, only guy on guy. Maybe that's where the deviation came from.
Author Cealabeala Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 That's why I don't date bi people (no offence meant), I'd feel like I'd have double the competition. I think this is a common attitude, but I just wanted to explain that bisexual people aren't necessarily more likely to cheat. It all depends on personality and standards. Bisexual people can be very selective about who they are attracted to.
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