Cealabeala Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I've been seeing a guy I've known for a while for nearly two months and I really like him. He lives about three hours drive away so we're apart for most of the week and we haven't discussed being exclusive or anything. I have not kissed or had sex with any other guys since I started seeing him again but on Saturday I had sex with a girl. Before I did it I thought that I wouldn't feel bad about it since we are not in an exclusive relationship, but I do. I just feel guilty that he doesn't know and that he might be hurt if he knew. At the same time, I really have no idea how he would react and think maybe he wouldn't feel jealous because it was with a girl rather than a guy. There's no chance of him finding out unless I tell him. If you were in his position would you want to know?
Krieger Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 we haven't discussed being exclusive or anything. do not say anything but i would stop seeing other people and sleeping with them.
Author Cealabeala Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Only tell him if you plan on inviting him to join in. I didn't do it as a performance to turn a man on.
ja123 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 If you're not in an exclusive relationship, then in theory you are not obligated to tell him. However, my feeling is is that he thinks you are exclusive even though you haven't had the exclusivity "talk" yet. That's one of the reasons you feel badly, OP, no? Because even though you're not sleeping together, you must feel that he has the impression that you both aren't seeing anyone else. You are most definitely bisexual so, at the very least, you should tell him that. Good luck
Author Cealabeala Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 If you're not in an exclusive relationship, then in theory you are not obligated to tell him. However, my feeling is is that he thinks you are exclusive even though you haven't had the exclusivity "talk" yet. That's one of the reasons you feel badly, OP, no? Because even though you're not sleeping together, you must feel that he has the impression that you both aren't seeing anyone else. You are most definitely bisexual so, at the very least, you should tell him that. Good luck The thing is, I have no idea whether he's sleeping with/ kissing other people. He's popular with women and it wouldn't surprise me. I know that in theory I haven't done anything wrong because I'm one hundred per cent sure he believes we aren't exclusive either. I feel deceitful just by not telling him though, an yet telling him would only be about making myself feel better... but maybe he wouldn't even mind... I'm so confused! I know he wouldn't have a problem that I like women though.
Author Cealabeala Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 I was talking about having a threesome. No reason why you can't enjoy the man and the woman at the same time. 2 more questions: 1) Does he know you're bi? 2) Are you taking applications for backup guy (in case this one falls through)? I would never have a threesome with him because I have genuine feelings for him and would probably feel jealous. I've never explicitly told him I'm bi, though I've told him about some of my experiences with women so he might know... I don't think of myself as or call myself bi, just because I don't like umbrella terms like that. I'm not secretive about it or anything (though, obviously, I'm being secretive about this time with him). No, if this falls through I have my girl.
coffeebean201 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Do you think he has genuine feelings for you?
Author Cealabeala Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Do you think he has genuine feelings for you? I know he does he's told me. I feel the same way and I though I like the girl, I wouldn't have pursued anything with her even if he wasn't in the picture. It was completely separate in my head at the time but now I feel sneaky.
coffeebean201 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Don't start second guessing yourself. This might be the impetus to see if the thing with him is really going to go somewhere.
FitChick Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Nothing good can come from telling him. Your feeling of guilt is telling you not to do the same thing again because you will feel just as bad -- again. If you need to confess, convert to Catholicism. I'm sure a priest would just love to hear that confession! 1
johnnyk Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 If a girl I was dating told me that, I would secretly hope she'd ask me to join her next time and if she doesn't ask, I would seriously consider asking instead. Go ahead and judge me.
apple OR orange Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 he thinks your only seing him, and you have / are seen others...... "jerry, jerry, jerry"
DarrenK Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Ok letter me understand this you claim you really have strong feelings for him yet this last weekend you chin deep in vagina? Who cares if you 100% exclusive if you are looking for a relationship with him then why sleep with anyone? Sounds to me that you should remain single because honestly if you really really like someone you don't sleep around guy or girl .nothing against lesbians my aunts gay just sayin lol so to answer your question yes tell him then tell him how you feel and hope for the best ? 4
silvermercy Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 (edited) Technically you didn't cheat, of course. However, you still feel guilty because deep down in your subconscious you know you shouldn't have done this. It doesn't have anything to do with bi, lesbian, pansexual or anything in between. People here would say the same thing if this was a guy. Also, it doesn't have anything to do with not having the exclusivity talk yet. It has everything to do with a person not being serious or respectful enough about their date (exclusive or not). Are you sure you're ready for a relationship right now? How can you say you have genuine feelings about him, that you like him? Because clearly your actions speak otherwise... (Note to some male posters here: lesbian or bi women are not sleeping together for your entertainment. It's so hard to believe I know... I'd just love to see your expression if your bi partner invited a man for a threesome! lol) Edited February 19, 2013 by silvermercy 2
Author Cealabeala Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 It doesn't have anything to do with bi, lesbian, pansexual or anything in between. People here would say the same thing if this was a guy. Also, it doesn't have anything to do with not having the exclusivity talk yet. It has everything to do with a person not being serious or respectful enough about their date (exclusive or not). Are you sure you're ready for a relationship right now? How can you say you have genuine feelings about him, that you like him? Because clearly your actions speak otherwise... That's the thing, I was really sure that I was ready for a relationship for lots of reasons, one being that I haven't had any desire to be with other guys the entire time we've been seeing each other. The thing that happened with this girl wasn't on an emotional level at all and felt really different to what I have with him at the time. I know gender shouldn't matter but in this case I feel like it did... I think I am ready to be with him because I know now that I do want to be exclusive on my side.
Author Cealabeala Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 i dont think its okay for your self esteem and body and reputation. beside i dont know about you, but when i am in love with a dude, no other person can get my attention Everyone has different values to do with sex. No sex that I choose to have effects my self esteem and I don't have any judgmental friends who's opinions of me would change because of sex. I'm not in love with him, it's only been two months.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Cealabeala, you and him have never discussed exclusivity. Therefore don't be surprised if he has at least spoken to other women. Don't be surprised if he has even tried to get with them or gotten with them. Likewise since you are not exclusive you don't owe him an accounting of you're every move. You have promised nothing and therefore cannot break that promise. Don't feel guilty, though if you want to be exclusive going forward ask him if that's what he wants. Have an emotionally honest discussion of it. Then accept the outcome. Whatever you do do no tell him what you've done. It would only hurt him, or provide ammunition to him. Perhaps come out to him that you are bisexual, that's all.* As a bisexual bigendered male I kind of know what you are dealing with. I know how hard it can be to find a partner who will accept us as what we are. Consider the alternative, a life of lying to someone you love. Would that really be better? *There are plenty of married couples where one partner is bisexual and the other isn't. Most are monogamous, some are swingers etc.
animalover Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 The thing about exclusivity discussions in today's dating world... Honestly I never discuss exclusivity with a girl I am dating... for me there is no other way... it is exclusive or not dating.Women who have had dates with me had no doubt about how I feel about exclusivity even when we have never talked about it... it is something you feel when you date someone and you know where you stand with that person from the beginning just by the way the other person behaves toward you... You probably know if the guy you are dating feels the relationship as exclusive or not... I think you do since you feel guilty for sleeping with another person... if you would be in a casual set up you would not even have thought twice about it.. 2
SmileFace Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I would not doubt the responses will have been different if it was a guy instead of a girl. However if you are feeling this way - why not discuss exclusivity with him?
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 He's probably playing the field anyway from the sound of it, I don't think he's going to feel deceived at all...I think he'll just be excited over the fact you're a little wild fox and banging other chicks and will try to get his licks in...I don't think many guys are going to take you seriously when it comes to another woman, especially a guy who is popular with when and is cycling them in and out. The fact that he told he has genuine feelings for you could just be part of his game, I personally wouldn't take that as a sign or seriously at all unless you had some serious conversation of exclusivity on that level...if he felt that strongly wouldn't he have tried to lock it down in some way instead of leave off this vibe of uncertainty? You're over-thinking it way too much and worried over nothing in the end IMO, you'll likely not work out the you can go bang your little girlfriend...you both sound similar to each other.
Mrlonelyone Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 The thing about exclusivity discussions in today's dating world... Honestly I never discuss exclusivity with a girl I am dating... for me there is no other way... it is exclusive or not dating.Women who have had dates with me had no doubt about how I feel about exclusivity even when we have never talked about it... it is something you feel when you date someone and you know where you stand with that person from the beginning just by the way the other person behaves toward you... You probably know if the guy you are dating feels the relationship as exclusive or not... I think you do since you feel guilty for sleeping with another person... if you would be in a casual set up you would not even have thought twice about it.. That's a valid point, but at some point you do need to actually verbalize the promise. Before that point you really don't know. Verbalizing those promises are why one ask for exclusivity, ask to get married, then get's married. That was true yesterday, will be true today, and will be true tomorrow...unless we all become psychic. 1
Author Cealabeala Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 As a bisexual bigendered male I kind of know what you are dealing with. I know how hard it can be to find a partner who will accept us as what we are. Consider the alternative, a life of lying to someone you love. Would that really be better? I would never lie to anyone who asked me if I've been with women but I just feel that in an ideal world no-one would have to label their sexuality or "come out". I don't have anyone in my life who would have a problem with the fact that I've been with women, including this guy. I'm lucky that way I guess. I've decided not to tell him about this specific time but if he ever asks me or the subject comes up I will let him know that I've been with women... and probably will be again, if we ever break up.
Author Cealabeala Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 However if you are feeling this way - why not discuss exclusivity with him? I plan to.
Author Cealabeala Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 The fact that he told he has genuine feelings for you could just be part of his game, I personally wouldn't take that as a sign or seriously at all unless you had some serious conversation of exclusivity on that level...if he felt that strongly wouldn't he have tried to lock it down in some way instead of leave off this vibe of uncertainty? , you'll likely not work out the you can go bang your little girlfriend...you both sound similar to each other. I'm pretty sure he's not lying when he tells me he likes me a lot. I have more faith in him and in men in general than to be all paranoid that they're lying and playing games all the time. It's only been two months so it's not like he's been stringing me along for ages. Plus we live three hours away from each other which adds another layer of uncertainty about whether to "lock it down." You're last comment sounded really hostile, I'm not sure what your problem is...
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