How to handle son's cheating girlfriend?

[kathyskiss]

Ok here is my dilemma. I have a 16 year old son that has had the same girlfriend for 2 years. My son went away to a prepatory school last year and will not be returning home until school lets out in May next year. When he first went away to school, I spent alot of time with his girlfriend. We went shopping and to the movies and spent a great deal of time together. I truly did like her. My son was pleased because he wanted us to get along. I wanted to be close to her if for no other reason than for my son's sake but I had grown to care for her as though she was my own daughter. Even in my son's absence, I was taking her to buy dresses and attend family functions such as weddings and graduations.

Well back in December I bought her a cell phone so that my son could keep in contact with her. My son called me on numerous occassions to tell me that he was trying her cell but had not gotten ahold of her in weeks. My mother called her cell a few months ago in an attempt to find me ( we were suppose to be shopping for a dress for her) and was surprised to hear her on the phone giggling with some other boy and telling him to stop. I never did hear from her that weekend and we never did get the dress incidently. A few days after my mother called her, I called her as well since she had not made it to the wedding we were going to attend that weekend. She was again with some other boy and when I asked where she was she replied "I am at the mall with a friend." The boy she was with sounded surprised and I heard him say "So now I am just a friend?" I was floored! I was so angry but I tried giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Well my son and his girlfriend share the same best friend. Recently this best friend has been having pangs of guilt and decided it was best that she tell me. It seems as though my son's girlfriend has been dating another guy and neglecting to tell my son. His best friend knew about it and felt as though she was in a bad position if she was to tell what she knew so she had kept it inside. She finally told me about it and asked me if I thought she should tell my son as she didn't want him upset when he is away and there is nothing we could do to help him with it. I told her not to say a word and that I would talk to his girlfriend and get to the bottom of it. This information along with the previous phone calls have me quite concerned. To top it all off, I have been calling the girlfriend for over a month now with no reply. I have left numerous messages on her cell phone. When I got no response on her cell, I emailed her to ask her to call me that I wanted to know how she was doing. I did finally get a response to the email. She said she had accidentally put her cell through the washing machine and it was broken. I offered to take her to the mall and get her a new one but she said that her brother was going to take her and she would call me when she got the phone. Well three weeks pass and again no phone calls or emails. I am calling her cell phone but no response so finally I call her house phone. I speak to her stepmother who tells me that she never washed her cell phone and that they have been telling her that she needs to be honest with all of us because she is indeed dating quite a few different boys! Well I have tried contacting the girlfriend and she denied all of it. Still I know that my son is never able to get ahold of her and the last time I heard a word from her was a month ago.

Now I am furious, she writes to my son and plays little miss innocent to the hilt. She had asked us if she could move in with us when she turned 18 next year and we had honestly considered it because she was feeding us a line about how miserable she is at home and how her stepmother won't let her go anywhere!

I had concerns before when he showed an interest in her. My son is a strong Christian and she does not believe in God at all. That was alarming enough because I will be damned if some girl is going to steer my son away from God and family. She also concerned us because she had a reputation before of being promiscious and our son made a covenant to remain a virgin until marriage. Yet another worry has been that our son and his best friend (a girl) have been friends since the age of 8. The girlfriend and her were also friends but since she started dating my son, she has made a point of not being friends with the girl but also trying to tell my son that he cannot be friends with her anymore either. This friend of his is a strong Christian girl as well and I have always appreciated that she has a deep devotion to God and encourages my son's faith. I know they are young but I see that this girl is much more suited to my son's character.

My question is this...I know that I cannot tell my son about my suspicions until he is home. I don't want him upset when he is so far from home. I also don't want him becoming so distraught that his grades suffer since he is actually finishing his first year of college before the age of 17! So I must wait until May when he comes home. But my dilemma is what do I do about the girlfriend...she really is proving to be highly inappropriate for my son and I don't want any girl holding him back from his true potential. So what do I say and how do I say it when the time is appropriate?

[Bart_Weisser]

Well my son and his girlfriend share the same best friend. Recently this best friend has been having pangs of guilt and decided it was best that she tell me. It seems as though my son's girlfriend has been dating another guy and neglecting to tell my son.

 

My question is this...I know that I cannot tell my son about my suspicions until he is home. I don't want him upset when he is so far from home. I also don't want him becoming so distraught that his grades suffer since he is actually finishing his first year of college before the age of 17!

 

Didn't you say your son's only 16? I know you care for him very much, but sometimes the only way for them to grow is to let them get hurt in small doses and toughen up. This is one of those small doses.

 

It will hurt him a lot (I was in that situation before a long time ago and it's no fun) but he will also need to learn the lesson that not everyone is as sincere and innocent as he.

 

The best thing to do, I think, is to have him discover his girl's deeds himself (he probably has his suspicions already, but still won't believe it until he see it himself), and then be there for him. Then it's time for you to say that you've always have doubts about her.

 

Besides, you already wrote that the girl in question does not share the same religious beliefs as you and your son. Even if she goes your way, she'd just be paying lip service, very much like people who get baptised just to get married in a church. Why get so hung up on it?

 

BW.

 

P.S. - If you decide to tell him now, I would predict this will only make him more vengeful to you. If you don't remember your teenage years, just take my words for it.

[mugirl213]

I also think that YOU need to stop being so ridiculous! For the love of God, you buy this girl cell phones, have your suspicions of her and then offer to buy her another after she "puts it through the wash." I've never heard of anything so ludicrous. Also, I think you need to stop paying for her stuff and cancel her cell phone service. The reason she's not telling your son is because you make it so easy for her not to. The reason she doesn't want to break up with him is not to spare his feelings, it's because his idiot mother keeps giving her all types of free stuff!!!! Wake up and smell the coffee. It's good to be religious and trust and see the good in people, but I'm afraid you've taken it to a new extreme.

 

Also, I think it's ridiculous that you plan on letting your son be strung along for the next 8 months! Cut this girl off...and perhaps suggest to his best friend (the good girl) about what's going on and let him hear it from her! Perhaps this will plant the seeds of romance for them too!

[surfergirl]

You've gotten some good advice.....I too think that you need to step back and let them two handle their relationship. I know you want to protect your son from getting his heart broken but that is going to happen anyway.

 

Your bad for buying the cell phone....meaning if they were truly "in love" then they would have figured out a way to stay in touch themselves. I know you meant well but it backfired. If you are paying for the service CUT IF OFF.

 

Tell your son you cut the service off since the phone is "missing" and leave it at that.

 

He's a smart kid and in time will figure out what she's up to. You will need to be the shoulder he cries on when it all comes out.

 

And....as hard as it is don't get involved in his relationships....he will never learn how to handle women if you keep trying to protect him.