joemax Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I really don't know where to start, but here goes nothing. I've been with my gf for over a year now. She's 21, I'm 24. I love her to death, but we have major issues with the relationship. I'll just try to explain it as best I can. First of all, her past kills me. i'm sure you guys have read hundreds of issues like this one but i can't help it. She's slept with 6 guys before me, and that's already hard enough for me to get over. I don't know whether it's insecurity or what, but it kills me when i think about it. Not only that, but the other day some guy added her on Facebook and I asked her if she had hooked up with him (kissing and such, not sleeping with him) and she told me that she didn't remember. She said she definitely did not sleep with him, but she couldn't remember whether they kissed or not. That really took me off-guard and it sucks, how can you not remember if you kissed this person or not? I know, I know, it's none of my business, but I wasn't raised with these values. Another thing that bothers me is her lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, she's great. She's in school, she volunteers, she works - but she smokes weed about twice a week and she also smokes cigarettes. I've told her how it makes me feel and she's been smoking less but still, she continues to do it, and I hate it. I was cheated on in my last relationship (3 and a half years) so i have MAJOR trust issues. Another big thing is that she's been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and that plays a huge part in our relationship. I feel like she escalates things very quickly and I feel as if I have to be at 100% all the time, if not, she can't meet my needs, and that makes me very frustrated. I don't know what to do. I feel like we're falling apart and I don't want that.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Another big thing is that she's been diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder and that plays a huge part in our relationship. Game over, walk away and change your number, delete facebook, change your email address, remove her from your life You will be in for hell if you don't 4
StanMusial Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Honestly you two do NOT seem like a good match. I have been in your shoes, and I can promise you the relationship would NOT make it past 3 months, much less an entire year.
pteromom Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Your values don't line up. You are in a losing battle trying to make her conform to who you think she should be, or thinking that you can love someone out of a majorly disruptive personality disorder. You would be better off moving on and finding someone who has similar values to you. But - if you want to try to hold on, you need to REALLY work on letting go of your judgments of her past and her choices. You need to work on accepting her as she is. You need to work on letting go of insecurity and trust issues. Still, I don't know if she is the one you want to trust. I don't know her, but BPD is rough, and it is very common for people with BPD to cheat and/or flee a relationship suddenly.
outsidethebox Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 She's going to be a very good gf for someone, but not you.
Author joemax Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Game over, walk away and change your number, delete facebook, change your email address, remove her from your life You will be in for hell if you don't Why do you say that? Honestly you two do NOT seem like a good match. I have been in your shoes, and I can promise you the relationship would NOT make it past 3 months, much less an entire year. I want to make it work though, I love the girl. Your values don't line up. You are in a losing battle trying to make her conform to who you think she should be, or thinking that you can love someone out of a majorly disruptive personality disorder. You would be better off moving on and finding someone who has similar values to you. But - if you want to try to hold on, you need to REALLY work on letting go of your judgments of her past and her choices. You need to work on accepting her as she is. You need to work on letting go of insecurity and trust issues. Still, I don't know if she is the one you want to trust. I don't know her, but BPD is rough, and it is very common for people with BPD to cheat and/or flee a relationship suddenly. I did not know that people with BPD are more likely to engage in infidelity. That's not good. She's going to be a very good gf for someone, but not you. Replies not very encouraging so far
Krieger Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Relationship issues - When do they end? the trunk of my car :laugh: Sorry bad joke I would run life too short all that.
apple OR orange Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 She smokes week and has a personality problem. Sounds like anyone shes been with was when she was "smoking", hence not remembering, personally, i wouldnt be near her, although this means you wont get sex either, i think your mind will be better for it.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 People with BPD do engage in infidelity... its not "are likely"... They lie to themselves, string people that are around them along for the ride, excellent manipulators, don't care about anyone but themselves... sometimes not even themselves They are extremely self destructive, use of drugs, sex, people. You need to part ways and move on 1
Author joemax Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 People with BPD do engage in infidelity... its not "are likely"... They lie to themselves, string people that are around them along for the ride, excellent manipulators, don't care about anyone but themselves... sometimes not even themselves They are extremely self destructive, use of drugs, sex, people. You need to part ways and move on How do you know? Have you studied BPD? We've been together over a year now. Is it a fair bet that she's cheating on me? I'm confused.
outsidethebox Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Irrelevant about the future. You can't accept the past. 1
Krieger Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 How do you know? Have you studied BPD? We've been together over a year now. Is it a fair bet that she's cheating on me? I'm confused. I have family member that has BPD The main features of BPD are impulsive behavior and instability of emotions, interpersonal relationships, and self-image.[1] Behaviour Emotional vulnerability People with BPD feel emotions more easily, more deeply, and for longer than others do.[6] An emotion typically lasts for 12 seconds, but it can last up to 20 percent longer in people with BPD.[7] Moreover, their emotions repeatedly re-fire, or reinitiate, prolonging their emotional reactions even further.[7] Once the emotion has stopped firing, it also takes longer in people with BPD for its effects to subside.[8] The sensitivity, intensity, and duration with which people with BPD feel emotions have both positive and negative effects.[8] People with BPD are often exceptionally idealistic, joyful, and loving.[9] However, they can feel overwhelmed by negative emotions, experiencing intense grief instead of sadness, shame and humiliation instead of mild embarrassment, rage instead of annoyance, and panic instead of nervousness.[9] People with BPD are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, isolation, and perceived failure.[n 3] Before learning other coping mechanisms, their efforts to manage or escape from their intense negative emotions can lead to self-injury or suicidal behavior.[10] They are often aware of the intensity of their negative emotional reactions and, since they cannot regulate them, shut them down entirely.[8] This can be harmful to people with BPD, as negative emotions alert people to the presence of a problematic situation and move them to address it.[8] While people with BPD also feel joy intensely, they are especially prone to dysphoria, or feelings of mental and emotional distress. Zanarini et al recognize four categories of dysphoria that are typical of this condition: extreme emotions; destructiveness or self-destructiveness; feeling fragmented or lacking identity; and feelings of victimization.[11] Within these categories, a BPD diagnosis is strongly associated with a combination of three specific states: 1) feeling betrayed, 2) "feeling like hurting myself", and 3) feeling completely out of control.[11] Since there is great variety in the types of dysphoria experienced by people with BPD, the amplitude of the distress is a helpful indicator of borderline personality disorder.[11] In addition to intense emotions, people with BPD experience emotional lability, or changeability. Although the term suggests rapid changes between depression and elation, the mood swings in people with this condition actually occur more frequently between anger and anxiety, and between depression and anxiety.[12] Impulsivity Impulsive behaviors are common, including: substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected or promiscuous sex, and reckless driving.[13] Labeling sex with multiple partners as "promiscuous" is controversial.[14] See Gender under Controversies.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 How do you know? Have you studied BPD? We've been together over a year now. Is it a fair bet that she's cheating on me? I'm confused. Google it. I know people that are BPD. I dated a girl that was BPD. Reminded me of my mom. Wouldnt surprise me if my mom is BPD. Read the marriage and separation forums topics under BPD. People threw away their lives thinking they are special and different and they can live with someone and tolerate it. Look up a user named "Downtown" he's a pro on the topic. Read his threads / posts Definitely a fair bet she has and will continue to do so. Not to hurt you, but to feel something in her life, something she lacks within herself. Self-love and self-respect. She has to learn these things on her own without others support 2
Author joemax Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Google it. I know people that are BPD. I dated a girl that was BPD. Reminded me of my mom. Wouldnt surprise me if my mom is BPD. Read the marriage and separation forums topics under BPD. People threw away their lives thinking they are special and different and they can live with someone and tolerate it. Look up a user named "Downtown" he's a pro on the topic. Read his threads / posts Definitely a fair bet she has and will continue to do so. Not to hurt you, but to feel something in her life, something she lacks within herself. Self-love and self-respect. She has to learn these things on her own without others support Will do all that as soon as I get home. How do I find out if she has been cheating? I can't just confront her...
RedRobin Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 They never end... I just successfully mediated a heated argument between my parents over some bushes that my dad thought were too close to the house. My mom had a fit and was going to rip out every plant anywhere near the house. These are things that build up over time I reminded them how lucky they are to have someone to share in life's daily annoyances... and how fortunate they were to have each other to snuggle up with after all these years... I have my dog to cuddle up with. They both calmed down and I gave my mom some pruning tips. Situation managed!! So no, they never go away. That is actually a good thing! Be happy you have someone to share in life's trivial annoyances. 1
outsidethebox Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 This is therapist territory for you imo.
Dark Phoenix Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Will do all that as soon as I get home. How do I find out if she has been cheating? I can't just confront her... Don't find out... dont ask ... no good will come from it... outsidethebox is correct.... you should look into therapy as well
RedRobin Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Edited to add: I was answering the question on top of the thread. There are some serious issues that sometimes come up that you would not be obliged to manage. Sorry to hear you are having a hard time.
Author joemax Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Don't find out... dont ask ... no good will come from it... outsidethebox is correct.... you should look into therapy as well I feel like I need to find out though.
todreaminblue Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 all relationships have issues and even so called normal relationships end over really crappy reasons...or major reasons.......if you love her be open and honest with her.......i dont know about disorders.....they arent really easy to diagnose.......i am supposed to be schizo affective ....i managed to have a relationship for fifteen years and it wasnt me who cheated to break it up...it was the normal average guy who did it....maybe i put up with more because i do feel challanged and know i am a challenge......i have had extensive therapy ect ....quite a few hospital stays.......i still bought up a family of five and was a loving partner.....a forgiving one....so whose to say a relationship cant work with em or anyone else with a mental condition.....everyone has issues even normal people have issues some of them rather frightening because they seem to hide them better...... i fyou love her be honest and open seek therapy if you need it....hold true to your values and dont give in with those...everything else can be compromised.............deb
Author joemax Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Does she have a slender body with a tight rear end? Does she have large breasts? And then let's examine the face. Does she have any craniofacial defects that might require maxilofacial surgery (retrognathic/prognathic jaw [over/underbite], hypoplasia, etc)? If the answers are yes, yes, and no, then we are dealing with a woman that is desirable by most of the male population for sex and by a substantial proportion of the male population for dating. The same applies (albeit to a slightly lesser extent) even if you answer yes, no, and no. Given how you are writing this post, it does not appear that you are in control of this relationship. What does that mean? It means that she could easily replace you with an equally to more attractive partner faster than you could replace her. Furthermore, it means that she is not emotionally invested in the relationship and that your sex is probably terrible/non-existent. When was the last time you gave her a penetrative orgasm? I would suggest that you dump her. The odds are strong that she is already cheating on you. She is only keeping you at the moment because you reduce the loneliness she experiences as a woman with BPD - not because she is particularly sexually attracted to you. Everything people do in a relationships is a result of how physically attractive their partner is relative to other options for a long term relationship. Relative physical attractiveness modulates sociosexual behavior (the behavior that is the vehicle of any sexual relationship. It is time to fall apart. Love is a feeling in the reproductive tract that releases oxytocin during sex. She is no longer in love with you. I appreciate your input but the sex is actually incredible, probably the best part of the relationship. How can I know if she is cheating? Do I just confront her? She can easily lie...
Dark Phoenix Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I appreciate your input but the sex is actually incredible, probably the best part of the relationship. How can I know if she is cheating? Do I just confront her? She can easily lie... There's no point in confronting her... she has... you know it but you are basically lying to yourself
todreaminblue Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 F*ck dude. I recently dated a girl with BPD. It was BAD and it could have been much worse. Definitely ditch her. If you don't, the rest of your life will be filled with grief and heartache. Also, not to be a d*ck, but BPD girls tend to be VERY promiscuis and they lie a lot. So be careful. peopel lie a lot you dont have to be bpd to be a total gimp......you can be normal......and a gimp who lies......promiscuity doesnt have to occur with bpd just because soemone has been told they have it.........takes two to be promiscuous.....deb
Author joemax Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 There's no point in confronting her... she has... you know it but you are basically lying to yourself How can you be SO sure?
Dark Phoenix Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 peopel lie a lot you dont have to be bpd to be a total gimp......you can be normal......and a gimp who lies......promiscuity doesnt have to occur with bpd just because soemone has been told they have it.........takes two to be promiscuous.....deb No it takes one person in a relationship to be promiscuous. stop trying to project your own illness onto her... dating someone with bpd is a ****ing nightmare... any guy that has done it on these forums will attest to it. The longer you do it, the more your head is ****ed up 1
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