Emotional Affair - Afraid she will become "Bored again"

February 19, 2013

My wife had an emotional affair a while back. It was at its height before we got married when I was working away alot and getting drunk and playing computer games alot. My wife had always wanted to get married young and start a family.

When we got engaged she broke it off for a while with the other man and took it up again a few months after we got married and were trying to conceive. She was setting up the events so she would cheat but never did. I believe her. I would rather not debate this point please.

It hurts the most because when our child was born and I had stopped drinking, playing computer games and was what I considered very helpful with the baby and housework as well as spending time togther she was still flirting with him again. This is when I found out by accident. (I had never checked her emails or phone etc. before this, ever. I have always felt strongly about this for trust reasons.)

She is very sorry. I know this but I am scared that she will become "bored" again some day and find herself attracted to somebody else again. I feel de-masculinated and my entire image of her has changed from her being a "good girl" who would never cheat on me because she has been cheated on by every past boyfriend she has ever had to a person akin to the descriptions in the book "Women's Infidelity".

I do appretiate the life lesson from this and I no longer take her for granted and have changed my ways alot. We are for the most part happy again since she ended it over a year ago but I have developed a fear where I feel that I have to go out of my way to keep her happy and develop attraction skills, be better in bed and general relationship skils etc. to keep her faithful. This is to the point of me feeling like I have been punched in the stomach if I feel any hint of her not being completely into me. Sex each day etc...

To put it simply I fear that 1 (boredom is inevitable for at least a part of a married life) + 2 (A bored wife means an open to another man wife) = cheating wife. I feel powerless to overcome this fear so I could use some general advice other who have some experience in this area.

Thankyou for reading this long post.

February 19, 2013

I'm sorry for your pain.

Congrats on not drinking!

Do you have evidence (paternity test) that the child is yours?

Do NOT assume she didn't have sex with the OM...all cheaters minimize the affair.

If you can't trust her - which it seems she hasn't EARNED your trust with her actions - then yes, she's likely to cheat again.

February 19, 2013

Thankyou for your reply. I would rather not get into any debate about whether it was physical or not because I know that it would seem that it was by reading my above post.

After I found out I went on a crazy detective spree. I hijacked every email and every profile she has ever created. I did file recoveries on her old phone and sd cards and keylogged her internet activities. I became obsessed and even impersonated her via email and started talking to the guy for a while and asked enough questions to be pretty sure that she didn't. I had read an thread in which she was speaking about her own struggles with wanting to cheat and how she didn't because she knew it was wrong.

Our child has my hair, shaped eyes, my nose and my lips. I believe that she didn't have sex with him. They live 4 hours away from eachother and there were about 3 time where she had the opportunity to. Our daughter was conceived 20 days before she had an opportunity to have sex with him. I can never know for certain, only believe and if I keep being obsessed about pursuing this it will ruin me. I have pinned her about it time and time again and said that I will stay with her if she is totally honest with me about everything but if I find out that she has lied to me I promised that it would be over.

She used to be a overly private and secretive woman and I suspected that she would check my emails and text messages but I never made a point of it because she has been cheated on so many times. Now she is very open about her emails and texts and does not hide anything from me. She is earning trust although I can't put a time frame on how long it will take to heal and trust again.

February 19, 2013

I do appretiate the life lesson from this and I no longer take her for granted and have changed my ways alot. We are for the most part happy again since she ended it over a year ago but I have developed a fear where I feel that I have to go out of my way to keep her happy and develop attraction skills, be better in bed and general relationship skils etc. to keep her faithful. This is to the point of me feeling like I have been punched in the stomach if I feel any hint of her not being completely into me. Sex each day etc...

To put it simply I fear that 1 (boredom is inevitable for at least a part of a married life) + 2 (A bored wife means an open to another man wife) = cheating wife. I feel powerless to overcome this fear so I could use some general advice other who have some experience in this area.

Thankyou for reading this long post.

re: bolded.... this is something that both spouses should do in order to have a good marriage. you're approaching this from the wrong angle.

regarding your fear and trust issues - it's not something that at this point can be fixed just by two of you. i would suggest marriage counselling. it would be a horrible existence for both of you, but you in particular, to live your life constantly looking over your shoulder.

February 19, 2013

Thankyou. I will give marriage counselling some serious thought.

February 19, 2013

She should be looking for ways to make sure YOU are happy, not the other way around! SHE cheated!

On second thought - happy comes from within! If you have to jump through hoops to try and make HER happy - something is very wrong!

She either is or she isn't... And if she isn't - she should see a counselor to fix what's broken inside of HER!

February 19, 2013

the part where you sadi go out of my way to make her happy...botherd me a little too,you shouldnt have to go out of your way...it should be your way to want to make your wife happy .are you considering you are no t in tune ro on different paths....you should eb on the same path.....in saying that.......she should want you to be as happy as she is......if you have to do all the work ...it just wont work....you asked about having sex two or three times a week as you felt your wife had a lower sex drive than you...is this applicable to the problems you are having.....deb

February 19, 2013

What concerns me is that if it can happen once it can happen again. I fear that I will not be enough for her. She does reassure me and is making an effort in her own way but I don't think it is enough. Each bit of information I have got has been. Forced from her and she has changed a few details.

She said she was admitted she was setting up events to cheat but when it came to the crunch he didn't reply to her message. But she has since said she wasn't setting it up and she wouldn't have done it. In my heart I do t believe her because she hasn't openly told me everything. Like I said I have had to corner her and pressure her.

My issue is that her lack of total transparency spells secrecy and I need openness about events and how she felt leading up to and during the infidelity. I am making enquiries about marriage counseling.

February 19, 2013

I think marriage counseling is a great idea. And also, you need to let her know that communication, listening to each other is very important as well as making special time for one another each day, no matter what. You both are parents, that's your job but do NOT forget the husband/wife relationship. It takes two to keep the flame alive so you two will continually grow together and bond even more.

Make sure SHE knows that if she ever cheats on you in the future, she's out the door. Maybe if she knows the consquences ahead of time she won't turn to other men for attention. Besides, you cannot meet every single need of hers, just like she can't meet every single one of yours. Most happiness comes within and she has to be OK with not relying on you for everything. There has to be times to just sit back and each of you do your own thing in the house without having to feel the need to entertain each other. Hope this makes sense..

Anyway, is she remorseful for her past? the cheating? Is she an open book now?

You can't live in fear of "what if's", it'll kill you and make you worry all the time, make you feel awful and not enjoy life now.

Hopefully she will not cheat because she loves and values her life that she has with you and the wonderful family you two have built.

February 19, 2013

She is remorseful and wants to move on as she is happy with our life now. She says she can't keep bringing up the past, that doesnt know what else to say but will do whatever it takes. We will be going to see a marriage counsellor next week. She says she needs to reach a point where she can forgive herself and she can't keep going around and around.

February 19, 2013

What concerns me is that if it can happen once it can happen again. I fear that I will not be enough for her. She does reassure me and is making an effort in her own way but I don't think it is enough. Each bit of information I have got has been. Forced from her and she has changed a few details.

She said she was admitted she was setting up events to cheat but when it came to the crunch he didn't reply to her message. But she has since said she wasn't setting it up and she wouldn't have done it. In my heart I do t believe her because she hasn't openly told me everything. Like I said I have had to corner her and pressure her.

My issue is that her lack of total transparency spells secrecy and I need openness about events and how she felt leading up to and during the infidelity. I am making enquiries about marriage counseling.

I think it is hard to trust when the trust has been broken, but that is up to you, to decide to trust again that the risk to love her and trust her won't hurt you again. Loving someone includes the risk of getting hurt.

I do agree that marriage counseling would be good for both of you, as well as times enjoying each other's company without worrying. Do y'all go do fun things together and enjoy talking together? I think that can help, because if you are all the time worrying about whether she is trustworthy with your heart, I don't know how that can help y'all have a wonderful marriage, you know? If she all the time feels that you don't trust her, I think that would be very hard for her too.

Trust is hard to earn after it's been broken. I learned that the hard way when I was a kid and told a lie to my parents. It took them awhile to trust me again. However, they didn't keep breathing down my neck about it. Rather, they decided to let me prove that I am trustworthy, and they kept the atmosphere in our home jovial and fun, and pretty soon everything was ok again and I learned my lesson about the importance of telling the truth and not lying.

February 19, 2013

She is remorseful and wants to move on as she is happy with our life now. She says she can't keep bringing up the past, that doesnt know what else to say but will do whatever it takes. We will be going to see a marriage counsellor next week. She says she needs to reach a point where she can forgive herself and she can't keep going around and around.

I am curious: Did she tell you about the emotional affair, or did you find out?

I am so glad you are not drinking a lot now. I hope you and your family are having fun times together and enjoying life together. That really helps a lot. My husband and I do fun things together outside of the home and it's very important because it helps build a strong foundation.

My advice is to do marriage counseling, AND have fun with your family!!! You don't need to spend a lot of money to have fun! Y'all can go to the park and walk around and just enjoy talking about things like favorite food and flowers and dreams and just share together!!!

February 20, 2013

We do spend alot of time together now and try to do things which is working well. Before I got my promotion I was working alot and always working public holidays and weekends so this was very straining on us over the years. Now we get weekends and public holidays and she doesnt have to work full time anymore and soon she won't have to work at all and we are still better off than before this job.

This in itself has had a huge impact on our relationship. We just couldn't keep going on that way for much longer.

We had a very long and deep talk last night which was painful for both of us but I believe whole heartedly that she did not physically cheat on me which is a relief. I just have to trust her again like you said. Trusting is a decision I suppose. I don't have a problem with the attraction side of things, only the acting on them and especially after we were married. You are supposed to get all that stuff out of your system before marriage IMO. (I have never cheated on her)

What I am trying to say is that we are all human and it is natural to have your thoughts stray from time to time... It is not the thought that makes it wrong, it is supressing that thought and feeling bad about it, feeding it or acting upon it IMO. This is what I want her to understand. I don't want her to feel bad for feeling attracted to him but for her to understand that the acting upon it is what hurts the most.

I found out about the affair by accident. I never was one to pry into her personal things but there was this one day where I accidentally took her phone to work instead of my own and she seemed edgy about it when she called me at work. She seemed desperate to get her phone back and drove out to work to get it. While she was incomming to work I looked through her text messages and saw what had been going on.

I am looking forward to the marriage counselling and I hope that we can forgive and put this behind us.

February 20, 2013

She is remorseful and wants to move on as she is happy with our life now. She says she can't keep bringing up the past, that doesnt know what else to say but will do whatever it takes. We will be going to see a marriage counsellor next week. She says she needs to reach a point where she can forgive herself and she can't keep going around and around.

IF she intends to help YOU heal from HER blatant betrayal - she must get willing to bring any and all info TO YOU! She must be willing to talk openly about it fifty million times IF that's what YOU need to start to trust again!

She must get COMPLETELY accountable and transparent!

And you WANT her working and staying BUSY! She's young - she should WANT to work and contribute to the household! And gals that aren't "busy" sometimes go looking for excitement... You get my drift?

The trust is FOR HER TO EARN... It shouldn't be handed to her just because time has past and you've talked about it a few times. Look up "rug sweeping" on google if you need to. Rug sweeping never healed a M!

What concerns me is that if it can happen once it can happen again. I fear that I will not be enough for her. She does reassure me and is making an effort in her own way but I don't think it is enough. Each bit of information I have got has been. Forced from her and she has changed a few details.

She said she was admitted she was setting up events to cheat but when it came to the crunch he didn't reply to her message. But she has since said she wasn't setting it up and she wouldn't have done it. In my heart I do t believe her because she hasn't openly told me everything. Like I said I have had to corner her and pressure her.

My issue is that her lack of total transparency spells secrecy and I need openness about events and how she felt leading up to and during the infidelity. I am making enquiries about marriage counseling.

She lies! Cheaters lie. Make her take a lie detector test since she keeps changing her story! You need to know her truth! Since you can't tell which story is real - none of her versions probably are correct. Cheaters cover up and minimize!

There is NO room for ANY secrets! She should be willing to tell you exactly what she's doing all day every day - and everyone she communicates with!

If she won't - then you have your answer - she's not willing to earn YOUR trust back.

And if/when she's still worried about how SHE feels = that's backwards! She should be worried about how YOU feel = she cheated, remember?

Consequences! She needs consequences... Or else yes, she's likely to cheat again!

Don't make things so easy on her - she ruined your marriage! SHE needs to repair the damage SHE caused!

February 21, 2013

I think that this thread has gotten out of hand. I disagree with the lasttwo replies although I appreciate your input. It is very easy to form an opinionon a forum but difficult to explain the issue accurately in so few words.

Think about it this way. Will I ever really know that every single detail she has told me is the total 100% truth? No but I can have her explain herself and tell me that it is the truth. How can I know with 100% confidence that what she has told me isn't the truth? I can't. I have gone over this with her time and time again &I have already mentioned that I feel sure that she never physically cheated on me. The part where she changed her story, well that is something Iam going to bring up at the marriage counselling. (She agreed when I asked herif she was setting it up so that the cheating would have an opportunity to happen and later claimed that she this wasn’t accurate)

She is making an effort and she is willing to do whatever this takes. She cannot keep going around and around with this forever and that is not her being selfish. I agree with her because I can't either. We agree that we need to resolve it.

As for being a man. I understand your standpoint and I appreciate your response. I believe that you have mistaken my inner turmoil for appearing to be openly needy of my wife. I feel emasculated but do not act needy. I do not kiss my wife’s ass, I never have. This is not the case. She knows that I want this resolved and she knows that if she does not work on this that I will file for divorce. I have stated very clearly that I am a good man and a good husband & that I didn't do this, she did. That she needs to do whatever it takes for me to heal. But you must also understand that I can't thrash around like a hurt animal inflicting pain on her for the sake of revenge. IMO a man does not do this.

I like to think that a confident man and to be honest I am a little offended by your liking me to a cuckold. I am a decent hard working man and I do not exude neediness in my relationship. I am not scared to open up to my wife and let her see who I really am but I refuse to lose myself in any relationship. I have strong values which I stand by, I stand up for my woman and my family, I do not make excuses for who I am, I love who I am and I love my family & am fiercely protective of them. I am a man so don’t confuse me at my most vulnerable moment for a boy who thinks licking **** of a woman’s shoe creates attraction.

[

Men do not attack when someone is opening up and vulnerable. Men support, share wisdom and protect.

Edited February 21, 2013 by LoveMyWifey

February 21, 2013

Sounds like you did the right things.

If she becomes bored again, that's her problem. Not yours. Might as well let her leave if she's going to be ungreatful.

February 21, 2013

Well LMW, you have my sympathies about your situation. It is unfortunate, and it would make most men question themselves.

Now, it is also unfortunate that you think you perceive Justaposters response as this.

Men do not attack when someone is opening up and vulnerable. Men support, share wisdom and protect.

This is an anonymous public forum where there are a a lot of different opinions. Some are going to give you a shoulder to cry on, and others are going to tell you to dust yourself off and move on. You did ask for posters take on you situation, sorry that JOP's opinion is one that you didn't want to hear. I did not interpret it as an attack, but as a tough love type of post, and you did paint yourself as in doormat to a lot of men...myself included... in your posts.

February 21, 2013

I want to know exactly why you disagree with what I said.

She cheated - it's within herself that SHE got so bored that she went looking for attention and affection(even though she may not have had sex - she INTENTIONALLY HURT YOU EVERY TIME SHE REACED OUT TO HIM)! That is intent on her part.

Whatever is broken within her - is HERS to fix.

It's not your fault she did this. She seems spoiled. Stop spoiling her.

Please explain why you disagreed with me. You said she's still changing her story and keeping secrets - if you think that's ok when one has cheated - you have a lot to learn. Read threads here - when one spouse does it that way - they are usually just looking for another way to continue cheating.

February 21, 2013

I think standtall's response best explains it. I agree with your last post 2sunny except for when you said if you think that's ok when one has cheated. I have every intention of sorting this out with our marriage counselor and I am not interested in getting into debates on the definition of manhood, being an alpha male and the rules of attraction with you. I have a marriage to work on so lets try to keep it positive hey?

I dissagree with part of you post where you said that my forum name screams cuckold and by interpreting the beating my confidence has taken to kissing my wifes ass.

I appretiate your response and I respect that your intentions are in the right place.

Thanks to everyone for your input. I know what I need to do and I am taking the steps to see it done. I know what I need and I know what I am going to do if they cannot be met.

February 21, 2013

I ever used the word cuckold (or even c*ckhold) - hats not a word I reference...so look to see who it may have been.

I said your screen name infers that you love wifey so much that you will overlook her bad behavior even if she never changes.

YOU should be mad! She cheated! Yet you sign on as "lovemywifey" insinuates that she can and will treat you like dirt and you will still allow it.

February 22, 2013

It was someone else who used the word "cuckold" so disregard that.

I understand your point.

The worst of the anger has past now. I am done yelling about it and I am very clear about what I need. My wife understands that this is my requirement for our marriage.

If she continues to sugar coat and downplay the significance of her relationship with the other man I am going to file for divorce. I and sick adn tired of feeling like she is pissing on my intelligence. At the end of the day I am not a doormat for her and never have been. We have a child and I don't take this lightly.

February 22, 2013

I found a web site which explains my feelings about truth and openness and here is a quote:

Rebuilding Trust After An Affair

Your spouse is going to want lots of details and ask questions about things you may not want to answer, but too bad.

Your spouse is going to cross reference your prior stories and ask you to confirm if “this” or “that” was a lie. You

simply need to fess up. The worse thing you can do is to conceal information because you don’t want to hurt your

spouse. Remember, they have already been hurt beyond belief, so continuing to withhold additional information gives

the appearance of an attempt to continue the deception. Sure, your spouse may not need to know the exact places,

times, and positions in which you were intimate with the other man/woman, but they do need to get a general

understanding of how intense the relationship was, how long it lasted and any additional information they deem

necessary to facilitate their healing. Although this may be one of the most difficult steps in the process, it is one of the

most important. It is extremely difficult for a betrayed spouse to know that there is another man/woman in the world

who has more information about their marriage then themselves. Therefore, asking multiple questions helps the

betrayed spouse get up to speed, thus obtaining necessary information to deal with feelings of being in the dark while

their spouse was gallivanting around with their lover.

February 22, 2013

Without trust - there is no basis for the marriage.

If she's not willing to hand her truth to you on a silver platter - it likely won't recover.

Has she had any consequences for her cheating - or did you just keep it quiet for her and pretend to everyone that it didn't happen?

February 22, 2013

Without trust - there is no basis for the marriage.

If she's not willing to hand her truth to you on a silver platter - it likely won't recover.

Has she had any consequences for her cheating - or did you just keep it quiet for her and pretend to everyone that it didn't happen?

LOL That is a good point. No, she has not had any public humiliation for her actions and I don't think it is necessary. To announce it to everybody seems to be counter productive IMO. I agree that she needs to have consequences so she does not do it again but apart from keel-hauling her through this I don't know what else to do.

People would be shocked because we have what would be a perfect relationship... You are right I keep it quiet and nobody knows. I don't want any outsiders having any say, input or opportunity to mess around with us.

As long as she stops downgrading the details and significance of this and becomes totally honest about their relationship then that is a start.

February 22, 2013

LOL That is a good point. No, she has not had any public humiliation for her actions and I don't think it is necessary. To announce it to everybody seems to be counter productive IMO. I agree that she needs to have consequences so she does not do it again but apart from keel-hauling her through this I don't know what else to do.

People would be shocked because we have what would be a perfect relationship... You are right I keep it quiet and nobody knows. I don't want any outsiders having any say, input or opportunity to mess around with us.

As long as she stops downgrading the details and significance of this and becomes totally honest about their relationship then that is a start.

No consequences = she will cheat again!

Why wouldn't she? No pain for her... Just for you.

You are going about this backwards.

Start telling everyone exactly what she's done. Stop making it easy for her to treat you terribly.

She needs to get scared! Scared that you're leaving her cheating a$$!

Kick her out! No one ever changes when they are comfortable - you need to make her uncomfortable.

She needs to suffer consequences for her bad behavior.

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Emotional Affair - Afraid she will become "Bored again"

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