Augustrain79 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Started seeing a guy in January. We really didn't "date" persay but met for drinks quite a bit. He called/texted every day several times a day. At one point I was kinda quiet with him and he asked me if everything was ok and if I was still interested, which led me to believe he was. He told me for a long time to take things slow and it will be easier but I certainly wasn't contacting him as he was doing almost all the initiating and sweet talk. We had a disagreement already about something so dumb and since then things have got rocky and he didn't contact me much for about a week, but we have picked up again. As a matter of fact, I talked to him all day on Valentines day and we met for lunch on the day after. He's told me he isn't looking for a girlfriend now and he just wants a friend. So at first I was good with that, but this last weekend we have talked a lot... I invited him over to hang out the last two days... he's never been to my apartment before and has ALWAYS avoided it for some reason, and he once again avoided it. SOOOOO here is the question... last night I told him that I care about him too much and being friends is too hard and I need to have no contact with him until I get over it. He responded by telling me the "book of love" was written about him and sending me the link to "Power of Love" by Huey Lewis... he continues to text and call me today, it's always so lighthearted that it's hard for me not to answer... but this is hurting me knowing he's not interested in more.... Im thinking I need to stop answering his texts/calls but IDK what to do. How do you get over someone AND stay their friends....
Krieger Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 stop answering his texts/calls. He knows how you feel about him so there not much you can do right now. people want what they can not have so cut off contact and he might just stop texts/calls or try to contact you more. advice for the next guy you date do not become to available . I think if a guy/girl spends to much time together early on it a bad thing. You need to have a change to miss each other and by staying busy with your own thing you come of more interesting.
Author Augustrain79 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Thanks... we really haven't spent a LOT of time together over the last 6 weeks. There were times he wanted to meet up and I told him I couldn't and times I didn't answer the phone cause I was busy. I don't feel like I was that available. But he did call and text A LOT... if anything he was too available sometimes. lol You are right about not answering the calls and texts... thats probably the only way to get over it. It's CRAZY hard though...
Krieger Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 You are right about not answering the calls and texts... thats probably the only way to get over it. It's CRAZY hard though... hate to quote a move tittle but "he's just not that into you" I have been in a girls friend zone to many times to count just got to move on. .
Author Augustrain79 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 ugh.. I hate that stinkin movie. Thanks you are right... moving on... :/
Jefezen Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 While I agree there's such a thing as too much time together early on, there's also too little time together. A proper balance needs to be struck. In my case, I can't seem to build any kind of momentum with a woman I'm interested in because we hardly ever see each other. It's been just four times in a span of almost four months. She doesn't initiate text messages, she doesn't call me, she barely acknowledges my existence. Yet the few times we're together, she seems very friendly, sometimes flirtatious, and at the start of our interactions, it was all her pursuing me. (I know, I know, that supposedly doesn't mean anything anymore). I won't rehash the details for the millionth time and annoy the people familiar with my threads. My point is just that you need to see enough of someone to develop a connection but not so much that boredom, familiarity, and complacency set in for one or the other in the overall scheme of interactions. I'm 30 and relatively new to the dating scene (embarrassing, I know). I've already made both the mistake of seeing too much of somebody (the first girl I was going out with) and too little of somebody (the girl I'm sort of still chasing after now with low likelihood of future success). I currently have third and fourth prospects. The third prospect is a lot more into me than I'm into her and we've gone out twice two days apart. I'm sensing a burgeoning mutual attraction with the fourth prospect, but it's still in the nascent stages of pre-asking out exchanges. Maybe I'll finally get things right this time. We'll see.
Author Augustrain79 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 (edited) WOW... 4 times in 4 months and she doesn't initiate anything... That is a DEFINITE time to move on. I would never put up with that, though I am lucky to get once a week with my "Just not that into you".... Glad you have some other prospects. If you aren't into girl #3, don't lead her on. I think thats awful when guys do that. Good luck with girl #4. SO updated.. he texted me at 7:30... some stupid question about taking care of his flowers... (A housewarming plant I'm giving him because he moved) I didn't answer back until I gave in a lil bit ago and told him my dog ate his flowers. He's all like "took you long enough.. you were probably out with some new dude".... I just let him believe that. MEN! Edited February 19, 2013 by Augustrain79
Jefezen Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 WOW... 4 times in 4 months and she doesn't initiate anything... That is a DEFINITE time to move on. I would never put up with that There are some extenuating circumstances. The first few weeks I was still involved with Girl #1 and didn't pay much attention to Girl #2 who displayed a lot of interest in me (not my imagination, it was blatant). Then we finally went out once and it went well. Then I had to go on a trip for two weeks. Halfway into that trip she stopped making any kind of effort to talk to me. When I returned, I waited another two weeks before asking her out. She accepted. It went well. I asked her out a third time a week later, she accepted. It went okay. Then we hit a phase where she'd mostly decline my invitations, claiming to be too busy, too tired, too occupied with other plans, but some of that is definitely legitimate (she's studying for a major career-related exam that's next month, plus her best friend is also moving out of the country around that time and she wants to spend as much of her free moments as possible with her). Even so, I can tell from her Facebook updates that she's been going out to some other parties and when I asked her out to Valentines Day she declined, saying, "I have other plans." When I asked if she's seeing someone else, she said, "Let's not talk about this." I figure if she still maintained a modicum of her earlier interest, she'd at least send me the occasional text message, and wouldn't always leave contact up to me. My gut instinct tells me that there are a few factors at play right now: 1. There's another guy or guys. (She's the clubbing type and admits to being a prima dona who does poorly in relationships and likes lots of men. She went clubbing Saturday night, in fact). 2. She's legitimately preoccupied by her exam next month and focusing more on that than building any relationships. 3. She wants to maximize time with her friend who moves soon. I think there's a possibility that she's doing to me what I did to her in the beginning: putting me on the shelf while she explores her other options. Maybe if things don't work out with the possible new guy and/or her friend moves after next month, and/or her exam is finally over, she'll be more receptive. At least by then, she won't be able to use the busy excuse anymore, and if she does, I'll know it's 100% over instead of 98% over. Keep in mind I'm an inexperienced, socially inept timid guy who has never had success with women beyond the initial stages of getting numbers and the first set of dates (which I'm surprisingly good at). That's why I tend to cling to the remotest of hopes, but maybe that'll change over time if my ability to attract various prospects continues. SO updated.. he texted me at 7:30... some stupid question about taking care of his flowers... (A housewarming plant I'm giving him because he moved) I didn't answer back until I gave in a lil bit ago and told him my dog ate his flowers. He's all like "took you long enough.. you were probably out with some new dude".... I just let him believe that. MEN! I'd say that's a very good sign. "Out with some new dude" insinuates jealousy. I'm not sure you should give up on him. A change in approach might be better at this juncture. Don't be overly hopeful, pursue other options, but don't necessarily shut the proverbial door on him either. Sometimes a little distancing and nonchalance enhances attraction because some people want what they can't have, or what they're worried that they might lose. He might figure he can have you whenever he wants because you already declared your interest. That security allowed him to consider other women, or to focus on other aspects of his life. Take that security away and suddenly he may have to earn your interest. I'm perceiving gamesmanship here.
Author Augustrain79 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Isn't it funny how we can give other people great advice but in our own lives we hold on to hopes that may never happen. I think you have one thing going for you, at least from my experience. Women change their minds... a lot. I've completely 180'd in my interest in someone before. However... I made it a point to send him a text Valentines Day morning with a picture of a memory we already created about Gummi Bears, even after a week of near silence and knowing we weren't going out, we talked the entire day on and off. I think the fact that she didn't want to talk about it and not spending Valentines day with you make it obvious that she is probably seeing some else or other people. Not to burst the bubble on that because I know when your interested in someone it's hard to hear, though you have already accepted it. I think guys don't always realize that initial attraction can have an expiration date and that if someone isn't contacting us for weeks at a time we mostly tend to move on... I know I do. I was talking to a guy who stopped talking to me completely for about 3 weeks... It took me about a week and a half to be over it. He's texting me all the time now and I'm being cordial and have seen him once since, but not ever wanting anything more... he burned his bridge. about me... I don't know... I am just going to play it cool for now. I did sense some jealousy with his comment, so IDK. He's really hard to read, and even he says others have told him that. So I take what he says with a grain of salt sometimes. I can't let it go on too long though... it's gonna drive me batty.
Jefezen Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 (edited) However... I made it a point to send him a text Valentines Day morning with a picture of a memory we already created about Gummi Bears, even after a week of near silence and knowing we weren't going out, we talked the entire day on and off.I think this is another positive sign for your chances. If he weren't at all interested, he wouldn't be talking to you on and off all day. I suspect that he might be trying to assert control in your interactions by being the one who waits for you to contact him. I've played that game many times before, to the point where I'd be very anxious, staring at my phone, praying for the girl's text message to come in, so that I could go into an hours-long exchange with her. Each hour, each day without hearing from her would feel like an eternity, yet I would stubbornly wait it out to appear in charge and not desperate. In retrospect, this was both foolish and immature of me. But I do find it instructive for your purposes because I know from my own experience, as well as that of many others, that people will adhere to that practice. Right now, the guy you like has the upperhand because you've declared your interest in him, and you're the one to initiate most of the contact. You may want to act a little more coy, less invested in him, less emotional, but not to the point where he senses you don't care about him whatsoever. It's a tricky balance. He's too comfortable. He needs to realize he won't be able to take you for granted. I think the fact that she didn't want to talk about it and not spending Valentines day with you make it obvious that she is probably seeing some else or other people.Agreed. I'm trying to put the best possible spin on this as a reasonable position on her part. Four outings in four months does not make a relationship. She was always upfront about her lifestyle and liking lots of guys in general. I have no right to be upset with her if she is seeing other people. It's not as though we were exclusive, or even formally dating for that matter. I'm also a hypocrite in some ways because I've been going out with and actively pursuing other girls this entire time. It's just that in my own head, I rationalize my behavior as acceptable because I'm not really getting intimate with any of these women whereas in her case, I suspect she doesn't go two weeks without having sex. We're complete social opposites on the experience scale and I think her initial attraction to me may have been solely physical. The vast majority of her compliments were about my looks. Once she sensed my awkwardness and slowness with intimacy, she grew frustrated and lost interest. I think guys don't always realize that initial attraction can have an expiration date and that if someone isn't contacting us for weeks at a time we mostly tend to move on... I know I do. I was talking to a guy who stopped talking to me completely for about 3 weeks... It took me about a week and a half to be over it. He's texting me all the time now and I'm being cordial and have seen him once since, but not ever wanting anything more... he burned his bridge.This sounds like my exact situation and it kills me because I know I squandered the opportunity. She was there for the taking. Early on, she practically did everything short of pantsing me and I still did nothing. She chased for 2-3 weeks and I virtually ignored her. But then the situation with Girl #1 ended, I realized Girl #2 was no longer paying any attention to me, I panicked, I chased, and I'm still chasing. One thing I still need to figure out is whether I'm interested in her because I really truly want her as an individual, because I want someone in general and she once made herself available to me, or because I'm upset at myself for not pouncing at the chance to be intimate with the "popular party girl." I've never had anyone like her show interest. I've never had anyone like her in my life, period. I keep beating myself up over my passivity. I was such a timid idiot and now it's too little, too late, unless that infinitesimally small chance of her looming exam, admitted ineptitude with relationships, and imminently departing best friend are to explain for her lack of attention. I know when I was facing a similar major career-related exam, I also shut out the rest of the world. about me... I don't know... I am just going to play it cool for now. I did sense some jealousy with his comment, so IDK. He's really hard to read, and even he says others have told him that. So I take what he says with a grain of salt sometimes. I can't let it go on too long though... it's gonna drive me batty. I read a quote somewhere that went something like this: "You may not always get what you want, but you'll always get what you need." Maybe that's what we should both hope for at this point. There've definitely been times in my life where I desperately wanted something or someone, only to find that losing out was actually the best thing that could have happened to me because something better and more fulfilling followed it. Edited February 19, 2013 by Jefezen
Author Augustrain79 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 I like your quote.... I'm sure it will all work out for the best for both of us! On that note... I actually wondered on Valentines Day if he was waiting for me to start making contact because I SO RARELY did... LOL! I actually DIALED his number for the first time ever that day... go figure!
apple OR orange Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 basics here is, he is happy knowing you like him. The only real way is to stop talking to him full stop. I was in the same boat but for other reasons, i am not the type women will date or do sex with (wont go in to why here) so this lead me to people i really liked, then seing them dating other people, which was leading to sleepless nights. I was even collecting there friends who "she" just had sex with at 3am in the morning as i was a "great friend" for doing that (instead of paying for Taxis), in the end, i stopped talking to all of them.... in my case i was there friend, they wasnt mine, i was being used... (was spending 100's a month on fuel well over 15 years ago). Its interesting as life doesnt change, still see the same possible things happen now if i didnt stop talking to people. I think you are in the same twisted boat somehow with him.
Author Augustrain79 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Not really sure how to respond to that, because if he called me to pick up a girl from his house or used me in any way, I would at least know it was over because I would deal with that for about 5 seconds.... but thank you for your input.
Emilia Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I'm probably a bit older than you OP so have slightly more experience of this: it's very common that in the beginning when you start seeing someone or spend time together, one of you decides that you don't want to take it further. For whatever reason that's the decision he made, at least he talked to you about it rather than just went quiet. I would stop talking to him and look for interest elsewhere. I think he was just being polite, there is no expectation towards you to stay in touch.
Author Augustrain79 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 I don't know how old you are but I'm 33 and was married for 9 years of my life up until last year... I think that marriage qualifies anyone that has dated for awhile to be more experienced then I am!!!! LOL On that note... Im just gonna play it by ear and not initiate anything. He initiated all day long yesterday so IDK how that is just being polite, but I don't want to get taken for a ride either if he decided hes already made up his mind. Thank you!
Author Augustrain79 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 LMAO!!!!! SO TRUE! Yack!
bittersweet memories Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Started seeing a guy in January. We really didn't "date" persay but met for drinks quite a bit. He called/texted every day several times a day. At one point I was kinda quiet with him and he asked me if everything was ok and if I was still interested, which led me to believe he was. He told me for a long time to take things slow and it will be easier but I certainly wasn't contacting him as he was doing almost all the initiating and sweet talk. We had a disagreement already about something so dumb and since then things have got rocky and he didn't contact me much for about a week, but we have picked up again. As a matter of fact, I talked to him all day on Valentines day and we met for lunch on the day after. He's told me he isn't looking for a girlfriend now and he just wants a friend. So at first I was good with that, but this last weekend we have talked a lot... I invited him over to hang out the last two days... he's never been to my apartment before and has ALWAYS avoided it for some reason, and he once again avoided it. SOOOOO here is the question... last night I told him that I care about him too much and being friends is too hard and I need to have no contact with him until I get over it. He responded by telling me the "book of love" was written about him and sending me the link to "Power of Love" by Huey Lewis... he continues to text and call me today, it's always so lighthearted that it's hard for me not to answer... but this is hurting me knowing he's not interested in more.... Im thinking I need to stop answering his texts/calls but IDK what to do. How do you get over someone AND stay their friends.... Have you guys ever kissed or made out in the past?
Author Augustrain79 Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 Yes we have... Its been somewhat romantic actually. A couple times hes kissed me while we were walking by the water near a local tiki hut with drinks. The one time I was drinking a drink with Gummi Bear flavored alcohol and he said I tasted like Gummi Bears so Gummi Bears has kind of been our ongoing thing.....thats actually what I sent him a pic of Valentines morning...two gummi bears. I stopped by his place to drop something off to him yesterday and more then once I felt like he wanted to kiss me again or started to move in for it and stopped. He texted me on and off the rest of the day, and last night he really opened up to me about a family situation he was frustrated with. During that conversation he just HAD TOO reiterate that he likes being alone and personal time because of all that and hes not looking for a relationship...... I didnt even bring that up and was just listening. Hes so confusing...it feels like hes trying to convince himself sometimes. Eh...Im not doing a very good job at no contact at all but havent heard from him today so who knows.....
Quest Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Sounds a bit similar to a situation I posted about recently. Most people who responded to my post thought I should move on which is what I've decided to do. But the problem with these guys who change their minds, or seem confused, or tell you they aren't ready for something serious 'yet', or seem romantically interested one day and then want to be 'friends' the next, is that just as you think you're moving on they start chasing again. I really don't think if someone's feelings are hot-cold at the beginning they are suddenly going to become hot-hot. How can you ever have something worthwhile with someone who is only really interested when you're unavailable? Obviously, if you're not really that into him anyway it's not a problem but if you are ... Houston ...
Author Augustrain79 Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 yeah... unfortunately I am into him and I'm honestly not sure why sometimes. I keep telling myself I need to move on... and I guess I should just do that. He's been relatively quiet today which is probably good. Sadly, he is actually funny and makes me laugh because sometimes he is totally ludicrous, so I really would like to keep him as a friend, but I just don't think I am able to quite yet. I even went on a couple dates with other guys but that didn't work so well as I found none of them very interesting. I actually agree with you on the hot/cold front. It's kind of depressing, and I'm in a for a few hard days ahead of me....
Quest Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 yeah... unfortunately I am into him and I'm honestly not sure why sometimes. I keep telling myself I need to move on... and I guess I should just do that. He's been relatively quiet today which is probably good. Sadly, he is actually funny and makes me laugh because sometimes he is totally ludicrous, so I really would like to keep him as a friend, but I just don't think I am able to quite yet. I even went on a couple dates with other guys but that didn't work so well as I found none of them very interesting. I actually agree with you on the hot/cold front. It's kind of depressing, and I'm in a for a few hard days ahead of me.... I liked the guy I was dating too ... he was funny and interesting and everything else ... BUT I just didn't want to be constantly wondering where I stood. I've been there before in a much longer-term relationship and it was horrible. That's why at the first sign of the hot-cold thing this time around I bailed. Predictably he's now chasing me again. But what would happen if I gave in? He'd be romantic for a day or too and then treat me like a neighbor who dropped in for coffee again ... really I don't want that. Anyways, just sharing that with you so you can have a think about whether you want that for you??? If you can handle (maybe even enjoy) all the games - and some people do - then fine. But maybe it would hurt too much in which case, go NC and have a little pain now instead of a lot of pain in the future when you're even more caught up in the thing.
Drseussgrrl Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 When you meet the right guy he won't treat you this way. He just won't and it will feel wonderful.
Author Augustrain79 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 (edited) Thank you DrSeussgirl... I actually agree and shutupmeg.... ACTUALLY.... funny thing. He told me once that he felt like I was pushing a relationship and it was pushing him away, but just 3 breaths before he was talking something that insinuated relationship. HONESTLY, he KNEW I was interested. I didn't NEED to initiate contact because he is an initiation BEAST and I can't talk to him all darn day. To an extent I did play a lil hard to get, but I don't feel like being a stage 5 clinger either. He knows I'm still interested and he knows I was then. Can I be honest, it's funny the different points of view based on what I've written.... you have all made me see that maybe he is just toooooo wishy washy. I really don't think he knows what he wants. The only constant was him calling/texting me. Just tonight he texted me about seeing me... I think he just doesn't really know what he wants. IDK that I'm waiting around to see... it shouldn't be this hard. Edited February 21, 2013 by Augustrain79
Author Augustrain79 Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 I resurrected my thread for a quick update.... Come to find out his "confusion" was because he was also talking to another girl, which is fine as he said he wouldn't be exclusive, however he was wishy washy with her too and back and forth which was confusing. Ironically we ended up in contact with each other and have since both decided to kick his butt to the curb, but first we were up for some gamemanship ourselves. She even sent me some screenshots of texts he sent her the night we talked and we laughed about them and some of the same stuff he has told us. But then....the last two days... he's dropped off the face of the earth and hasn't texted either of us. Booooooo.... she thinks he will still contact one of us, but IDK, I'm skeptical. He has never gone two days without contact before. I was kind of looking forward to this.... it's unfortunate. We are both over it for sure though, which would have made for some fun! Luckily I have already started talking to a guy that seems really nice.... and I'm gonna play it cool and see what happens! Thanks all for your input!
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