Scared of intimacy.

[Shardish]

I'm scared of any type of intimacy, emotional or physical it's a no-no situation with me.

 

I have no problems attracting women and I have even been on dates but when it comes to going further I just cannot seem to go further. I have been in make out situations which could and should have led to sex but have never materialised because there's this barrier which seems to prevent me going further, I seem to be scared of sex and it's much the same with my emotions. There was this girl I really liked and we had a connection, but nothing materialised because I decided to cut her off completely when I started developing stronger feelings for her.

 

I'm just afraid that if I cannot get past this problem that I will wind up a very old and lonely man and that's not what I want.

[Ruby Slippers]

What are you actually scared of? What are you scared is going to happen if you have sex or develop feelings?

[5anta]

I'm scared of any type of intimacy, emotional or physical it's a no-no situation with me.

 

I have no problems attracting women and I have even been on dates but when it comes to going further I just cannot seem to go further. I have been in make out situations which could and should have led to sex but have never materialised because there's this barrier which seems to prevent me going further, I seem to be scared of sex and it's much the same with my emotions. There was this girl I really liked and we had a connection, but nothing materialised because I decided to cut her off completely when I started developing stronger feelings for her.

 

I'm just afraid that if I cannot get past this problem that I will wind up a very old and lonely man and that's not what I want.

 

Is it a question of confidence? Like whether you can live up to the expectations to sexual performance with the potential girl? Or maybe you're afraid of developing a stronger emotional attachment to said girl and afraid that you will be hurt?

 

Being in a relationship is a risk and is a learning experience. Eventually, you will have to take a leap of faith if you want to spread those wings.

[Shardish]

What are you actually scared of? What are you scared is going to happen if you have sex or develop feelings?

 

I'm scared of having sex because I'm a virgin and I don't like the stigma attached with that, plus I'm afraid that if I have sex I'm going to get attached to the girl, as well I'm afraid that I will be incredibly bad at sex.

 

I have a problem with developing feelings for women because everytime that happens I often feel very saddened, frustrated, especially when nothing serious develops which has happened a few times in the past.

 

I don't like feeling vulnerable. That scares me a lot.

[Shardish]

Is it a question of confidence? Like whether you can live up to the expectations to sexual performance with the potential girl? Or maybe you're afraid of developing a stronger emotional attachment to said girl and afraid that you will be hurt?

 

Being in a relationship is a risk and is a learning experience. Eventually, you will have to take a leap of faith if you want to spread those wings.

 

I'm not the most confident of men.

 

That's it. I am afraid to have sex with a girl for fear of becoming attached and not only that I'm afraid that it will be a horrific experience for both me and the girl and that's not what I want.

 

I'm also afraid of developing stronger emotional attachments.

[5anta]

I'm scared of having sex because I'm a virgin and I don't like the stigma attached with that, plus I'm afraid that if I have sex I'm going to get attached to the girl, as well I'm afraid that I will be incredibly bad at sex.

 

I have a problem with developing feelings for women because everytime that happens I often feel very saddened, frustrated, especially when nothing serious develops which has happened a few times in the past.

 

I don't like feeling vulnerable. That scares me a lot.

 

You have to let down those walls of vulnerability a little eventually to let those feelings in. Love needs to be nurtured and needs time to grow. Along with patience you need to minimize expectations so that you don't be disappointed so easily. You can can't rush these things.

 

As far as sex, you don't need to have it until your relationship is established. At that point, both you and your partner can comfortably talk about your concerns. Saving your first time for that special someone is definitely okay... just don't be disappointed if you find out that you're not that other persons first time.

[Shardish]

You have to let down those walls of vulnerability a little eventually to let those feelings in. Love needs to be nurtured and needs time to grow. Along with patience you need to minimize expectations so that you don't be disappointed so easily. You can can't rush these things.

 

As far as sex, you don't need to have it until your relationship is established. At that point, both you and your partner can comfortably talk about your concerns. Saving your first time for that special someone is definitely okay... just don't be disappointed if you find out that you're not that other persons first time.

 

How would I go about letting down those walls of vulnerability? I have attempted to this in the past and failed every time.

 

What do you mean by expectations? I don't really have any expectations, I don't know what to expect in all honesty.

 

You say saving yourself is okay, but I don't think I've been saving myself, I just cannot seem to get past the making out stage for whatever reason. Nerves kick in, I panic and I just eject.

 

I wouldn't want to be someone's first time experience, so I am not bothered by a girls sexual history, in fact I wouldn't want to know her history of relationships and sex in all honesty. I would prefer it if she kept that information to herself.

[5anta]

How would I go about letting down those walls of vulnerability? I have attempted to this in the past and failed every time.

 

What do you mean by expectations? I don't really have any expectations, I don't know what to expect in all honesty.

 

You say saving yourself is okay, but I don't think I've been saving myself, I just cannot seem to get past the making out stage for whatever reason. Nerves kick in, I panic and I just eject.

 

I wouldn't want to be someone's first time experience, so I am not bothered by a girls sexual history, in fact I wouldn't want to know her history of relationships and sex in all honesty. I would prefer it if she kept that information to herself.

 

Everyone has expectations. Why would you be disappointed and saddened then? If you weren't expecting a potential relationship to evolve into something more then you shouldn't be frustrated... it's when we don't see results when we get disappointed and start questioning ourselves or the other person.

 

I think the primary reason why you don't want to be vulnerable is because you are afraid of being hurt... you will need a girl with a lot of patience to pull you out of that shell. And when you do find that special girl you will have to start to trust her. That's the name of the game. How? You have to let go and let it happen... it's a "trust fall" thing.

 

As far as sex is concerned, if you know she's a virgin then maybe you will be more comfortable... you can't think that sex is a defining factor for a relationship. If you are with a woman who has that kind of mindset, then she is most likely not the one for you.

[Shardish]

Everyone has expectations. Why would you be disappointed and saddened then? If you weren't expecting a potential relationship to evolve into something more then you shouldn't be frustrated... it's when we don't see results when we get disappointed and start questioning ourselves or the other person.

 

I think the primary reason why you don't want to be vulnerable is because you are afraid of being hurt... you will need a girl with a lot of patience to pull you out of that shell. And when you do find that special girl you will have to start to trust her. That's the name of the game. How? You have to let go and let it happen... it's a "trust fall" thing.

 

As far as sex is concerned, if you know she's a virgin then maybe you will be more comfortable... you can't think that sex is a defining factor for a relationship. If you are with a woman who has that kind of mindset, then she is most likely not the one for you.

 

I had expectations in the past and they were undoubtly unrealistic expectations. Nowadays I have little or no expectations because I am not focused on that part of my life, I seem to have written it off seeing as I am finding it deeply problematic and have no real solutions to my problems.

 

You say I need a girl with an abundance of patience, but what girl in her right mind is going to put up with me, my awkwardness and insecurities? If I was a girl I wouldn't want to date someone like myself, people like me must be most people's nightmares.

 

Trusting people seems to be a problem for me, I seem to trust people only for them to do something which makes me think twice about trusting them.

 

As for sex, I wouldn't want that to define my relationship, but I can understand why women might not want someone who is a virgin, especially someone who is nearing his mid-twenties, it's not exactly an attractive prospect is it?

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm scared of having sex because I'm a virgin and I don't like the stigma attached with that, plus I'm afraid that if I have sex I'm going to get attached to the girl, as well I'm afraid that I will be incredibly bad at sex.

You're not going to improve as a lover until you start having sex and getting some practice. If a girl really likes you and is mature and good-hearted, she won't discard you for some lukewarm performance at first. She'll communicate about what she wants and give you a chance to please her. And if she won't do that, oh well - you'll live, and at least you got some practice.

 

I have a problem with developing feelings for women because everytime that happens I often feel very saddened, frustrated, especially when nothing serious develops which has happened a few times in the past.

Loss is just part of being alive. Even people who are married for decades happily don't always last - due to people changing, infidelity, death, etc. But that's no reason not to experience anything.

 

I don't like feeling vulnerable. That scares me a lot.

It's the times in my life when I've been vulnerable and open that I've grown the most. You can be strong and vulnerable at the same time. In fact, the only times I let myself feel vulnerable are those times I feel strong enough to deal with whatever results.

[pteromom]

As for sex, I wouldn't want that to define my relationship, but I can understand why women might not want someone who is a virgin, especially someone who is nearing his mid-twenties, it's not exactly an attractive prospect is it?

 

I disagree! I would even go as far to say that most women wouldn't care one way or the other, and some women would be HAPPY you are a virgin. Either because they respect it, or they enjoy the idea of taking a guy's virginity.

 

You are being way too hard on yourself. You say you don't have any expectations, but it sounds like you have a lot of expectations of yourself. You are afraid you'll be bad at sex or that you'll be judged or left.

 

Are you a perfectionist in other areas? Are you a person who tends to not do things if you don't know for a fact you can do them well?

 

There are ways to overcome that mindset.

 

Intimacy IS scary. You have to be able to open yourself up and be vulnerable, and when that happens, you are giving control up to another person. That person can hurt you or cut you or leave you or use your secrets against you. It IS scary.

 

So you don't have to be vulnerable until someone earns your trust. I think you may be pushing yourself too quickly.

 

Next time you get feelings for a girl, be honest about what you are feeling. Say that you need to go slowly. If she likes you too, she'll understand.

[Shardish]

 

You are being way too hard on yourself. You say you don't have any expectations, but it sounds like you have a lot of expectations of yourself. You are afraid you'll be bad at sex or that you'll be judged or left.

 

I'm just annoyed at myself that I have allowed things to get this point. I don't feel normal if I'm honest, I feel like a socially awkward person. There's people my age in long-term relationships and some of whom have children. Most of my friends have girlfriends and I am the only one who always seems to have nobody. Now granted I am not upset that I'm single and I actually enjoy life, there's plenty of things to keep me occupied, but I can't deny that I would have liked to have experienced a long-term relationship and sexual intercourse. The reason I might appear harsh on myself is that I see my situation as being entirely of my making and therefore it's my fault.

 

Are you a perfectionist in other areas? Are you a person who tends to not do things if you don't know for a fact you can do them well?

 

Yes that sounds like me, if I struggle at something I usually write it off and focus on the things I am good at and that's what I've done here.

 

 

 

So you don't have to be vulnerable until someone earns your trust. I think you may be pushing yourself too quickly.

 

Next time you get feelings for a girl, be honest about what you are feeling. Say that you need to go slowly. If she likes you too, she'll understand.

 

I think I might well be putting too much pressure on my shoulders in the early stages, but my friends don't help matters when they say things like you should be trying to end the first date with a kiss or you should be trying to have sex with a girl after the third date. Then there's nights out with them where they encourage the singletons in the group to try and hook up with random women who are usually drunk or try and get us to have one night stands neither which float my boat.

 

Okay, I will take things slowly and will be honest all the way through.

[SJC2008]

The majority of relationships lack communication and emotional intimacy so just focus on the physical for now. Once you get past that barrier then worry about the emotional side of things. It's very debateable to how women feel about men opening up/being vulnerable, so debateable I'll leave it for another thread!

[Shardish]

The majority of relationships lack communication and emotional intimacy so just focus on the physical for now. Once you get past that barrier then worry about the emotional side of things. It's very debateable to how women feel about men opening up/being vulnerable, so debateable I'll leave it for another thread!

 

I'm not someone who is very emotional or sentimental, so that's not a worry to me, one thing I am is honest and that is one thing a woman can expect from me is total honesty. I do feel as though having sex will be beneficial to me, it will help me get past one barrier and will enable me (hopefully) to start breaking down another barrier.

[SJC2008]

I'm not someone who is very emotional or sentimental, so that's not a worry to me, one thing I am is honest and that is one thing a woman can expect from me is total honesty. I do feel as though having sex will be beneficial to me, it will help me get past one barrier and will enable me (hopefully) to start breaking down another barrier.

 

You don't have to be very emotional or sentimental to fear it. I wouldn't call myself emotional or "sappy" but I sure as hell don't want to be vulnerable with a woman.

 

As to the sex, you need to dig into your past/childhood to find out what you're afraid of. How old are you??

[Shardish]

You don't have to be very emotional or sentimental to fear it. I wouldn't call myself emotional or "sappy" but I sure as hell don't want to be vulnerable with a woman.

 

As to the sex, you need to dig into your past/childhood to find out what you're afraid of. How old are you??

 

I can't be vulnerable to a woman anyway, as soon as I feel things are moving into a serious mode I tend to get cold sweats and bail altogether. I'd like to be able to love a woman though, I'd like to experience that just once during my lifetime.

 

Why would I need to dig into my past or childhood? Nothing traumatic has happened in my life, I had a fantastic childhood, my teenage years weren't brilliant, but I don't think that would have had any bearing some five years later. I'm twenty four years old.

Edited February 19, 2013 by Shardish

[SJC2008]

I can't be vulnerable to a woman anyway, as soon as I feel things are moving into a serious mode I tend to get cold sweats and bail altogether. I'd like to be able to love a woman though, I'd like to experience that just once during my lifetime.

 

Why would I need to dig into my past or childhood? Nothing traumatic has happened in my life, I had a fantastic childhood, my teenage years weren't brilliant, but I don't think that would have had any bearing some five years later. I'm twenty four years old.

 

Well some/most (whatever the real amount is) of men don't want to be vulnerable in front of their women because in the past they were chewed up and spit out so they have a wall up. Since you HAVEN'T been vulnerable with a woman was the reason I suggested looking at your past, especially becasue you're afraid to have sex. If you're a 24 year old virgin and have no problem attracting women somethings going on (and that's ok!). Besides being embarrassed about being a virgin what esle are you worried about?

[Shardish]

Well some/most (whatever the real amount is) of men don't want to be vulnerable in front of their women because in the past they were chewed up and spit out so they have a wall up. Since you HAVEN'T been vulnerable with a woman was the reason I suggested looking at your past, especially becasue you're afraid to have sex. If you're a 24 year old virgin and have no problem attracting women somethings going on (and that's ok!). Besides being embarrassed about being a virgin what esle are you worried about?

 

I have been chewed up and spat out before. That happened was when I was sixteen years old. That was a horrible time and something that I don't want to experience again, but I don't think that has affected me, I mean I got over it after a few months. It's not as though I'm still reeling from what happened all those years ago.

 

Yes something clearly isn't right, most people would be estatic at the chance of having sex, irrespective of whether it's their first time or their nineth-hundred time. I seem to be different and I am not sure why that's the case. I have contemplated therapy, but I am not sure if that will work. I think the only way I'll ever overcome my demons is by jumping in the deep end (so to speak) and conquering my insecurities that way.

 

I just have a fear of falling in love with a woman only for it to end and for me to be left crushed as it were, I have seen other men go through it, some with children and shared assets and they get left with virtually nothing. That frightens the life out of me.

[SJC2008]

I have been chewed up and spat out before. That happened was when I was sixteen years old. That was a horrible time and something that I don't want to experience again, but I don't think that has affected me, I mean I got over it after a few months. It's not as though I'm still reeling from what happened all those years ago.

 

Yes something clearly isn't right, most people would be estatic at the chance of having sex, irrespective of whether it's their first time or their nineth-hundred time. I seem to be different and I am not sure why that's the case. I have contemplated therapy, but I am not sure if that will work. I think the only way I'll ever overcome my demons is by jumping in the deep end (so to speak) and conquering my insecurities that way.

 

I just have a fear of falling in love with a woman only for it to end and for me to be left crushed as it were, I have seen other men go through it, some with children and shared assets and they get left with virtually nothing. That frightens the life out of me.

 

Now we're getting somewhere. You got hurt when you were 16 but don't think it has affected you given you got over it in a few months. You may have a subconscious defense mechanism that's holding you back. I'm pretty sure that's what held me back! I got gutted at 17 by my first gf. Got dumped for being too shy and dragged through the mud in that everyone at work knew becuase of her big mouth. Anyway, I obsessed over her for about a year. I never really tried again, like I said I was shy but the "gutting" had a big part to do with it. I did manage to lose my v at 22 but still didn't try to date or make moves. About a year after I lost my V I was at a party and a girl that liked me was in the bathroom and I went in there and she looked at me like "Take me NOW" and I was like a deer in headlights. A couple years later a girl I met at a bar really liked me and I turned her down. My "excuse" was that I wasnt' attracted to her, she was cute and thin! Looking back I realized I always wound up single and it's becasue it's a defense mechanism I wasn't aware of, subconscious, if I'm not on the field I'm not gonna get hit. This may be what's going on with you. TBS were you ever shy in general or specifically around women??

[Shardish]

TBS were you ever shy in general or specifically around women??

 

I was growing up, but that's because I was bullied by girls in my lower school years, but again I never saw that as being an issue in later years. I seem to have become a lot more comfortable around in people in general since working in retail from the age of eighteen. I'm still quite a reserved person, especially around strangers, but after a few hours I start to feel more relaxed in social situations. I'm certainly no social butterfly.

[todreaminblue]

I'm scared of having sex because I'm a virgin and I don't like the stigma attached with that, plus I'm afraid that if I have sex I'm going to get attached to the girl, as well I'm afraid that I will be incredibly bad at sex.

 

I have a problem with developing feelings for women because everytime that happens I often feel very saddened, frustrated, especially when nothing serious develops which has happened a few times in the past.

 

I don't like feeling vulnerable. That scares me a lot.

 

 

sex doesnt instil confidence...if you have had it then you are the same person you were before you had it, its not something that changes you so greatly yrou insecurities go away.....every time you have sex with someone new those insecurities come straight back, sex is not a confidence booster,never was meant to be that, it can actually make you feel worse, if you have sex with someone who truly doesnt care about you........i have major intimacy issues, my history is extensive so i wont get into it, i am extremely vulnerable to hurt......the worst tiem fro me to date is nto when i am vulnerable but when i just dont care, vulnerability happens when you are open enough to want to get to know soemone therefore you let them in, there is always fear with soemone new with anyone who begins to date, its an unknown outcome....fear of the unknown ,but you have to be vulnerable it is how someone gets to know who you really are behind th ewall you put up fro everyone else.....

 

 

i have sexual experience doesnt change my vulnerability to getting hurt when i care about soemone, because i am invested.....investing is unknown...you just go into it with faith like a kamikaze and hope the landing has pillows and not concrete....if it is concrete,,,,,,then you put your cast on,build your wall up a bit, heal it and when you are ready try, try again...never have sex to get it over with, save it and when the woman is right for you ...you will be fine and so will she...hugs to ya....deb

[Shardish]

I've not said that sex will instill confidence, what having sex will do is help me overcome my abstinence which comes from my issues surrounding intimacy, I am not naive enough to believe that having sex will suddenly absorb my issues.

 

My fear of intimacy goes further than just being unable to have sex, it's very much one of a lack of trust and unwillingness to allow myself to be put in a position whereby I give someone free reign to deliver heavy blows to my mental wellbeing.