Author na49 Posted February 21, 2013 Author Posted February 21, 2013 The pain we're feeling can be worth it if we end up growing from it and finding happiness again. We won't know if it's worth it for a while. Just have to try to stay the course and do whatever we can to get better. I'm surprising myself. I really don't care what she's up to with or without him. I just don't want to know about it. I also kind of like how she has no idea what's going on with me. I wonder sometimes if I ever do talk to her and I'm not dating someone, I should lie and tell her I've found someone new who I love very much who treats me great. Just to shove it in her face!
McDonald Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 Don't want to lie to your self though... Just find someone else so you won have to lie haha. Or date a few girls. You don have to "go out" with them. But I want to take girls to movies.. Dinner etc. but not date them. There's nothing wrong with that. And it's better when you tell her ive been on dates with a few girls hahaha
Author na49 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 If it was as easy as that, I'm sure I would just find myself a better girl to go on a date with. It's not that easy though. I've been lying to myself that I'm better off without her.
McDonald Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 If it was as easy as that, I'm sure I would just find myself a better girl to go on a date with. It's not that easy though. I've been lying to myself that I'm better off without her. Its not easy at all lol or we wouldnt be having these problems haha. I feel like you (just like me) are missing what she stood for in your life. That right now it feels like it would be better to get back with her, even though she put us through so much pain, then to be alone.
Toddbt12y1 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Poor poor NA. I would smack you in the back of the head... But you already gave yourself a roundhouse..... You're going through emotions. Just because you hate her now, doesn't mean you didn't care for her(maybe loved?) Only you'd know whether you did or not... I love my ex dearly. Do I respect her? No. Does it mean I do not love her? No. I just lost respect due to her actions. I can tell mean jokes about her, but I do care for her... Anyhoo...... What more can I say that I haven't already said? I'll just say...you where dipped into the sun, by her. Now you forced yourself to endure a supernova...it's alright. You should start trying to hookup with another girlm whether it goes well or not... See and heal. Realize how many better fish there are. Got by with it? Nah...she's a rotten fish...she'll float to the top soon, for all to see... 1
Author na49 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 I need to give myself a few roundhouse kicks. I have no idea what my feelings are towards my ex. If I loved her, wouldn't I want her to be happy? I don't really want her to be "happy". If she was standing in front of me right now, I don't know what I would say to her honestly. I was able to make a joke about "my ex girlfriend" with some friends last week. First time I ever was able to do that. I hate how the time with her is like off limits, I did a lot of fun stuff with her that I'd like to tell people about because it's good conversation starters but because she's attached to it all, I feel like I'd be reminiscing and wanting to go back to a place I can never be again.
Toddbt12y1 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Who said you do not love her? Due to being angry over what she did and not wanting her to be happy? You're still ANGRY! So no kidding you aren't going to want her happy! She CHEATED on you! So why would you want her to be happy? Don't buy into that crap: you gotta wish them well, after they pissed all over you or you don't love them: get real! Emotions do not work on that simple logic! Sure, your ego is bruised. Sure that plays into it. But you can indeed love someone and not want them happy...after they pissed all over you. Not much a difference between love/hate, no? You're angry. When you better see this, when you're calmed down; you will not even care if she's happy or not! Just because you no longer care whether they're happy or not doesn't mean you don't love her.... It's learning to properly control and place these emotions. Besides...only you'd know whether you loved her or not...not any of us. But it doesn't matter. Rather off topic. Point is you shouldn't care...despite your feelings toward her.
Mack05 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 (edited) The key thing here NA49 is gaining acceptance. This is something that you and you alone can only achieve. Your focus is all on her, while she is off having fun. There is something wrong with that picture right? This is nothing you can do about her moving on. There is plenty you can do to help gain acceptance and help you move onto better things. I wonder if your ex is like mine? Someone who chases the fantasy but can't handle the reality? My last ex and I had a terrible relationship. I suffered from low self esteem, depression, her with BPD..As she was leaving me she was already moving onto someone new, which hurt the ego more then anything. She has a past littered with unhealthy relationships, but apparently this one is 'perfect'. She is in total denial. Her personality is way to crazy for all of a sudden to have things 'normal'. Now i'm she truly believes in what she is saying, but the simple fact is you can't just leap into a perfect relationship. Especially when all your others have been disastrous. I have no doubt whatsoever in my mind, that it's only a matter of time before this relationship fails spectacularly and her clueless as to why, but putting 110% of the blame on him. The thing is I hope I am wrong about this one. Yes we hurt each other, think little of each other and yes it was a nightmare, but the mature thing to do is forgive and wish genuine happiness for your ex. Some of our ex's go on to marry and be very happy. Others leave a trail of devastation in their wake as they look for the unobtainable 'fantasy'. From reading your threads I think your ex is one of those 'fantasy' chasers. Alot of emotionally immature men/women have difficulty separating the fantasy from the reality. When the relationship no longer matches the fantasy in their heads and suddenly they are faced with the reality, many times they leave looking for the fantasy. A snippet of the article below explains why (I don't think it necessarily is exclusive to people with dysfunctional families) Children from highly dysfunctional households often feel that things will get better someday, that a 'normal' life may lie in the future. Indeed, some days things are fairly 'normal', but then the bad times return again. It's the normal days that encourage the fantasy that all problems in the family might someday be solved. This is a common cycle in highly dysfunctional families. When they grow up, these adults carry the same types of fantasy into their relationships. They may portray to others the myth that they have the perfect relationship and they may believe, to themselves, that someday all of their relationship problems will somehow be solved. They ignore the abuse, manipulation, imbalance and control in the relationship. By ignoring the problems, they are unable to confront them and the fantasy of a happier future never comes to pass. Unhealthy boundaries, where we collude with our partner in believing the myth that everything is fine, make it difficult to come to terms with the troubles of the relationship. Healthy boundaries allow us to test reality rather than rely on fantasy. When problems are present, good emotional boundaries allow us to define the problems and to communicate with our partner in finding solutions. They encourage a healthy self-image, trust, consistency, stability and productive communication. Edited February 22, 2013 by Mack05 1
Author na49 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 My ex is definitely a fantasy chaser. She's everything you described. Talking about how "perfect" her relationship was. How "perfect" I was and how "in love" she was with me. Then she found the new "perfect" guy and all of a sudden I wasn't so "perfect" anymore so she left me. I hate how badly I wanted things to work with this girl and she just leaves me. 1
TailSpin75 Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) Hi Na. I am in the process of moving on also, but taking a different approach than yours. You already know (in your mind) that any new 'data' about her is going to bring you stress and pain. You have enough data to know it's time to move on and I read in some of your posts that - that's what you want. Emotions drive you to collect/search for new data. Filter your impulses/urges through your mind - do not act to collect data. Very recently I learned that letting go can only be achieved by moving forward. That thing in the way is the grieving process - clearly you lost a valuable relationship. Whatever feelings arise from that (saddness, anger, hurt) let them happen brother and know they will pass. Not good to try to talk yourself out of the anger - it will keep coming back. If you feel it - let it out. Talk, write, or exercise. Working for me. Those feelings slowly begin to fade in both intensity and frequency. You must (and me too) look, plan, and move into a future which does not include her. Heartbreaking for sure but they're not a part of our life anymore. The more this future becomes real the more you will let it go. Good luck (to both of us). Edited February 23, 2013 by TailSpin75 Typos
McDonald Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 My ex is definitely a fantasy chaser. She's everything you described. Talking about how "perfect" her relationship was. How "perfect" I was and how "in love" she was with me. Then she found the new "perfect" guy and all of a sudden I wasn't so "perfect" anymore so she left me. I hate how badly I wanted things to work with this girl and she just leaves me. stop being exactly like my break up hahah
Author na49 Posted February 23, 2013 Author Posted February 23, 2013 stop being exactly like my break up hahah Not until you stop being exactly like my breakup!
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