Sun Devil Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I have tried everything. I expanded my social circle and made new friends, I gained new hobbies, and I have spent more time with my older friends. But nothing has removed the pain of being single. I want to experience love and intimacy. No matter what I do, I cannot forget about women. What do I do?
Necris Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 (edited) Personally playing videogames, working out, going to church and hanging out with friends, tends to take my mind off of these things. Don't get too down on yourself, I realize I'll mostly likely be single for quite some time well into the forseeable future, and I've never had a girlfriend but I have to remind myself to not let that bother me. Edited February 18, 2013 by Necris
clia Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I have tried everything. I expanded my social circle and made new friends, I gained new hobbies, and I have spent more time with my older friends. But nothing has removed the pain of being single. I want to experience love and intimacy. No matter what I do, I cannot forget about women. What do I do? You haven't really tried, though. You may have done some of the things you listed, but you weren't doing any of them for the right reasons; you were only doing them as part of your ongoing effort to find a girlfriend. You have to stop living in this tunnel vision mindset of finding a girlfriend. You will never enjoy being single while you are trapped in that tunnel. It isn't painful at all to be single, but you have that in your mind and won't let go of it. You won't even let yourself be happy as a single person. You have made this girlfriend thing such a massive focus that you will never, ever be happy until you find that girlfriend. Sun Devil -- you will find a girlfriend someday. It's just that now may not be the right time. You really should consider talking to a therapist if you aren't doing that already. You also make it so much more difficult to find someone when you are so unhappy with your life. That kind of an attitude is impossible to hide. It's much more fun to be around happy, confident, fun people who are enjoying their lives to the fullest. What do you enjoy doing? What interests do you have? What goals do you have? None of the above should include "finding a girlfriend." How often do you do any of the above? There is an entire, huge, fabulous world out there that is yours for the taking. You are young -- 23ish if I recall correctly. You have your entire life to find a girlfriend. If you pursue things that interest you and things you enjoy doing, that is the very best way to meet that future girlfriend. Be a successful person. Work hard. Make money. Travel. Listen to music. Read books. Go to movies. Go to the gym. All of these types of things will make you more attractive to women. Right now you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole and cold approaching girls. That's hard. It doesn't work unless you are really smooth. Get involved in things that interest you -- not for the purpose of finding a girlfriend, but because you want to do those things. You'll be a more well rounded person for it. Write out five things that you want to do in the next five years that don't include having a girlfriend: i.e. travel to Bora Bora, run a half marathon, read all of Charles Dickens' novels, go watch an NFL game at 10 different stadiums, visit five National Parks, climb a mountain, learn how to speak Spanish, learn how to ski...whatever floats your boat. Goals for your life. Things you want to accomplish. Then go do them. Let me ask you a question: What do you think is so great about having a girlfriend? Why do you think your life will be so much better with a girlfriend? 5
outsidethebox Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I'm new at this but I've read a lot of women's profiles recently (albeit much much older than you, but I imagine about the same interests) and a sizeable percentage are into outdoor activities - you name it. I'm not into that spending my time on computers but I reckon many if not most guys are. If those are your interests do them and have that on your OLD profile and there are lots of women that would like to get to know you and hang out with you. There are others that are into artsy stuff and if you are go hang out at wine tastings and art shows and whatnot. Whatever your interests are go do them and let people know what you like to do. It's a mutual interest. If you're like me with no interests to speak of other than sitting at home and watching movies and reading books when not on the computer then you're pretty much hosed.
AlexDP Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 SQUATZ. Oh wait, this isn't bodybuilding.com.. 1
ScienceGal Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I'm feel the same way! Just have to do the best you can and push through!! Why aren't you dating? 1
StanMusial Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Try extreme sports like sky diving or white water rafting or rock climbing etc. You'll be so glad to be alive at the end of the day that you won't care if you're single or dating Kate Upton. There were times in my life when I didn't know if I was going to live or die. It's all about perspective.
candie13 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 be patient. IMO, when you are happy with yourself, with your life, with where you are, you will meet the right person. I even dare say "she will come to you". No miracle solution, but you must be in a good place, not needy. happiness is supposed to come from within, not from somebody else.
candie13 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Try extreme sports like sky diving or white water rafting or rock climbing etc. You'll be so glad to be alive at the end of the day that you won't care if you're single or dating Kate Upton. There were times in my life when I didn't know if I was going to live or die. It's all about perspective. I tried all that when I was hurting very bad. Anything to not feel pain anymore. Skydiving seemed like a joke . I think feeling extreme makes one do extreme things.
sillyanswer Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I have tried everything. I expanded my social circle and made new friends, I gained new hobbies, and I have spent more time with my older friends. But nothing has removed the pain of being single. I want to experience love and intimacy. No matter what I do, I cannot forget about women. What do I do? Is the problem that you're single or is the problem that you can't stop thinking about women? There's a subtle difference. If the latter, why aren't your hobbies or your social circle engaging enough to distract you from these thoughts? If the former, why aren't you meeting single women through your social circle or hobbies? Also, if it's painful, see a doctor. Yes, really. Maybe a mental health professional.
candie13 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I meant that he will find her out of the blue, by chance - as opposed to making huge efforts, dating 5 people, making profiles online and telling all your single friends to introduce you to single ladies. I feel that when you really really don't want to be single is when you end up alone. Like all those girls who put on too much make up, too short of a dress, way too much of high heels... trying too hard is the biggest turn off, because the others feel it. but when you're happy, truly happy with yourself, where you are, who you are, when you don't need anyone to make your life complete, when you are not looking, that is when you get to meet that person. That's how I feel about it.
clia Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I stopped reading there. If you've ever had a significant other, then you have no room to talk because you know it will happen again. Wow, do you have a crystal ball? I don't know anything about what will happen in the future and neither do you. And frankly, throwing a pity party is not the solution. He's young. He has plenty of time for girlfriends -- but he's never going to get one given his current state of desperation.
Treasa Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Those of you who say it's painful to be single...What did you do your first 10 or so years of life? Chances are you weren't dating, you were probably having fun, and you weren't worried about whether or not you have a girlfriend/boyfriend.
Keenly Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 No she won't. Men come to women. Women don't come to men. My ex and the ex before that both came to me. Girl A said hey I'm not with my.boyfriend anymore let's hang out. Girl B saw me at work and decided she was going to try her hardest to get with me. She succeeded. 1
pteromom Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 It isn't painful at all to be single I see why that comment could just grate at someone who is single and unhappy. (BTW clia, I loved your post.) The thing is, Sun Devil... of course it is painful to be single. Just as it is painful to be childless when you really want a baby. Just as it is painful to be unemployed when you really want a job. Just as it is painful to want to be well when you have a disorder or long-term illness. What we don't have is ALWAYS painful. BUT - It is up to you whether you feed the pain, or work on acceptance and focus on whatever brings you joy in your life. It's up to you whether you let your mind just fixate on what you don't have, or whether you start working on making yourself change the channel when those same thoughts keep infiltrating your mind. I dealt with infertility for a long time. And man - that is some painful stuff. There is SO MUCH that is out of your control when you are going through something like that. And you see everyone else pregnant and carrying babies and happy and it is just so unfair that you don't have what they have. So yeah, I get the pain. The same pain you must feel when you see happy couples or watch romantic movies or hear about a friend getting married. There is only so much within your control. So, your path to letting go of this pain has a few elements. One is to CONSCIOUSLY "change the channel" when you find yourself in a negative loop of thought. Do not allow your mind to just keep spewing the same old crap over and over again. A great way to help with this is to journal your thoughts. There's this thing your mind does where if it knows everything is written down, it doesn't have to keep reminding you of the same things. There are also books on positive thinking and changing thought patterns... look into it and work on it. The second part of letting go of the pain is to take control of that which you CAN control. You can't control what women do. But you can control what YOU do. You can work on yourself to make yourself as dateable as possible. Work on your career and/or education. (If you are already in college, what volunteering or intern opportunities are there to improve your resume?) You can work on your physique and health. You can work on your social EQ by going out with friends and doing activities. You can cast your net wide - ask girls out, do the online thing, go to meet ups, join clubs - do everything in your power to meet as many girls as possible. These things don't guarantee success, but they are all investments in future success (in dating and in life). The last is to make sure you keep balance. You have gotten to a place where you put love on a pedestal and hold it up as the definition of happiness. In truth, relationships are a balance of good and bad, just as your life currently is. Sure, it's great to have someone there for you, but there is a lot of pain INSIDE a relationship as well. It is not a magic pill that will make you happy. Happiness really is about ATTITUDE. It's about wanting what you have, and feeling that your life is enough, while always striving for more. 4
pteromom Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Indeed. Most women actually want to be single. Most women would rather be single than in a relationship with a man. But for men it's different. Men want to be with women. Men desire women. This is just silly. Some women want to be single. Some don't. Some men want to be single. Some don't. 3
Krieger Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Indeed. Most women actually want to be single. Most women would rather be single than in a relationship with a man. But for men it's different. Men want to be with women. Men desire women. you are right most woman today just want a guy to be a sperm donor and want his money. They do not want a bf or a husband or a guy end of story. then wants to rise the kids by her self see how men are not important in raising a child never mind that child is 20 times more likely to end up in prison. I do not know wear woman get this idea that me are not needed in raising a kid . It can be done but the odds are stacked against you. sorry for the rant I just get sick of woman saying we do not need men to raise a child when yea you kinda do. To the OP just stay busy as you can. I do not have time to date a girl right now and it sucks since I am getting older . I am to busy putting in work by going back to college and working 40 hours a week. Find things to do and go do them by your self . Also put your self out there more and try new things .
candie13 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 The second part of letting go of the pain is to take control of that which you CAN control. You can't control what women do. But you can control what YOU do. You can work on yourself to make yourself as dateable as possible. Work on your career and/or education. (If you are already in college, what volunteering or intern opportunities are there to improve your resume?) You can work on your physique and health. You can work on your social EQ by going out with friends and doing activities. You can cast your net wide - ask girls out, do the online thing, go to meet ups, join clubs - do everything in your power to meet as many girls as possible. These things don't guarantee success, but they are all investments in future success (in dating and in life). Happiness really is about ATTITUDE. It's about wanting what you have, and feeling that your life is enough, while always striving for more. craziest story I've ever witnessed was a friend of mine, trying really really hard to get pregnant with her second child. She was very stressed at work and had tried two IVF - failed. At some point, she realized her work was making her depressed, went to the doctor, made him sign a paper and stopped working on medical reasons for a few months. She gave it all up, she just couldn't handle the pressure anymore. The first week she stopped going to work, she got pregnant. It's how life works. So instead of putting all your efforts on finding this other person, your future gf, why don't you put them on building yourself first, while keeping an eye out there and going on dates? No more pressure. Stop trying so hard and stop making this detail - getting a gf - so important. It's just people, not aliens.
pteromom Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 craziest story I've ever witnessed was a friend of mine, trying really really hard to get pregnant with her second child. She was very stressed at work and had tried two IVF - failed. At some point, she realized her work was making her depressed, went to the doctor, made him sign a paper and stopped working on medical reasons for a few months. She gave it all up, she just couldn't handle the pressure anymore. The first week she stopped going to work, she got pregnant. It's how life works. Actually, this is NOT how infertility works. While everyone knows a story like this, in many cases, there are medical issues that cause the problems, and no amount of "relaxing" is going to unblock fallopian tubes or cure endometriosis. I had some pretty severe issues that required some pretty intense medical intervention in order to succeed. I get how you were relating your friend's story to Sun Devil's dilemma, but just please don't EVER tell that story to another friend going through infertility. LOL
MissLY Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 I have tried everything. I expanded my social circle and made new friends, I gained new hobbies, and I have spent more time with my older friends. But nothing has removed the pain of being single. I want to experience love and intimacy. No matter what I do, I cannot forget about women. What do I do? I'm 28 years old and have dated PLENTY of men in my lifetime. All of them were short relationships. Never had a boyfriend. There was a time where I was like "F*CK! I can't stop thinking about men. I just want to experience real, true love and be committed to somebody. WHYYYY???" But guess what? I don't let that bother me anymore. I've come to realize that life is incredible. I have a wonderful family and a healthy social life. I live in a great city. I have so many things that I love to do. Even little things like reading a book, watching netflix, taking a hike, eating ice cream and driving down the beach bring me immense joy! Once you truly start loving yourself and loving life, I guarantee you, the woman of your dreams will be standing right before your eyes. (I know that sounds corny but I STRONGLY believe this )
somedude81 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Those of you who say it's painful to be single...What did you do your first 10 or so years of life? Chances are you weren't dating, you were probably having fun, and you weren't worried about whether or not you have a girlfriend/boyfriend. I was too busy thinking that girls had cooties. 2
candie13 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Actually, this is NOT how infertility works. While everyone knows a story like this, in many cases, there are medical issues that cause the problems, and no amount of "relaxing" is going to unblock fallopian tubes or cure endometriosis. I had some pretty severe issues that required some pretty intense medical intervention in order to succeed. I get how you were relating your friend's story to Sun Devil's dilemma, but just please don't EVER tell that story to another friend going through infertility. LOL My friend was in her early 30's and had no medical issue. In theory, any attempt of IVF should have worked, but they did not. Her theory was that she was anxious because of the pressure at work. My biggest fear in the whole wide universe is not that I will die an old, single woman, but it's that I will never have children. And I understand science and medical reasons, my parents - both of them - are doctors. Apologies if I stroke a nerve. 1
El Brujo Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 What you DON'T do is sit around and feel sorry for yourself.
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 You listen to . At least you'll be cool in your musical tastes...
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