I was his OW 22 years ago, now he's my OM

[TwoTowns]

THIS POST WILL BE LONG. I will try to make subsequent ones shorter.

 

Everyone in an affair shares the dilemma of not having anyone to discuss it with. In a low moment I found this site and I am grateful to have a resource where, hopefully, I can work through this crushing situation.

 

I met my AP in 1990. I was single, he was married to his high school sweetheart, with no children. We lived several hours apart, and 'back in the day' before the internet and texting, our relationship consisted of occasional phone calls and once-a-month visits. I loved him with everything in me and went into a nearly lethal self-destruct mode when he made the decision after two years to end our relationship and work on his marriage.

 

Within a month, I rebounded into a relationship with a man who I have since married and had children with. My children saved me, but every pregnancy was a selfish attempt to be happy. My marriage has had happy moments and I believe marriage should be a lifelong commitment. But when you marry on the rebound before really knowing someone - incompatibility almost always rears its ugly head. He has a temper. I have issues/habits he finds intolerable. His dreams supercede mine, and the shorter life gets the sadder I get that I made such a huge decision to escape the pain of losing my AP.

 

Over the years, there was sporadic "how are you doing" contact between me and my former AP. Usually in the form of five-minute phone calls, after I learned via the internet how to reach him.

 

One summer, three years after our ending, I actually drove to his town with my firstborn child, during a trip to see my family. I never expected to see him, the town was too big. I just felt the need to be there for a day, I can't explain it better than that. I was in a toy store with with my child. I spoke my child's name, and looked down the aisle - and former AP was standing there staring at me!!! I later learned that he was in the store with his wife and mother-in-law. I literally fled the store, I was so shocked to see him, and he followed me out and called my name. I don't know why I didn't stop and speak to him, but I didn't.

 

The years went by. We spoke maybe three times, for maybe five minutes at a time, over the years. He ultimately had children. I remember the small pang when I found that out. He had always wanted children. He made comments during our brief chats that gave me the impression that, while his life was not a fairytale, he was content and well. About five years ago he asked me to keep in touch, to call him regularly. That was the last time we spoke. And yet, he is the last thing I have thought of every single day for the last two decades. Our affair was wrong, but he loved me and I will always love him.

 

This past fall, my cellphone rang and it was an area code from his town. I knew instinctively it was him. With the advent of Facebook/Google, etc. I had seen photos online of him with his family over the last couple of years. I figured he was happy, and (knowing him as I did) I knew he would remain married for the rest of his life. The extreme pain of losing him had mellowed into a tiny little ache in the back of my mind - it only hurt when my husband was mean to me, and at those times I remember crying pathetically to myself, "why did you leave me, AP?" So when the phone rang this past fall, it was as if I had been waiting for it all these years.

 

AP's wife had divorced him. He didn't want to contact me in the immediate aftermath, because he knew I would consider that a rebound contact. He was dating someone. He didn't want to proceed with his life until he knew I was still married, and doing well. It was a decision moment for me, and I know I again made the wrong decision. I confided in him about my difficult marriage, and he walked in through that open door.

 

I am now in the middle of the most dysfunctional, heartbreaking, WRONG, emotional affair with the love of my life. We talk or text on a near daily basis. We grapple with guilt. He suffers because he remains in a relationship with someone who has no idea he has been in contact with me for most of the time that he's known her - although he did tell her about me. He told her he would never get over me.

I believe he IS in rebound mode still, even though he makes (anger/hurt-fueled) negative comments about his former wife all the time. He has alot of stress in his day-to-day life. Huge crises that cause him to worry every single day.

 

It is my hope that I can somehow build the strength to withdraw from his life without it causing such damage to me the way losing him did the first time, without hurting my husband and children. I want to find joy in the life I have, I want to do the right thing. I know he will always be the shadow following me wherever I go.

[TwoTowns]

I would bet my next paycheck that this man you've pined for all these years was divorced by his wife for numerous infidelities. He is still repeating the same old pattern.

I'm trying to be as discreet as possible. The marriage ended due to infidelity on the part of his wife, who is currently residing with her AP.

 

Seriously........you said "he suffers because he remains in a relationship".

He is suffering with GUILT because he's in a relationship while in contact with me. It was guilt that ended our contact the first time. I believe he did the right thing by returning to his marriage, and I believe he was faithful to his wife until their divorce. I don't believe all incidents of infidelity are committed by serial cheaters or bad people. I believe he loved me, and I believe he loved his wife more.

 

There is another characteristic for you. No accountability, and the victim again.

Again, I am trying not to divulge any more details than necessary. But he has been very candid about issues he had that he felt pushed his wife away. He was also candid about telling me that he never would have ended his marriage.

 

I also bet he knows how much he hurt you before, but yet it was willing to open that door to do it to you again........how selfish.

He knows it's a selfish move, and I know I'm being selfish also. We talk about that all the time.

 

It's dysfunctional love and he is very dysfunctional. Just what little you wrote, I can see it clearly as a bell..........I wish you could.

I can see it believe me. I characterized the situation as dysfunctional. I have been a loyal wife and mom for two decades. I am not a serial cheater. I want to do the right thing. I am just trying to find the strength.

[chaser0195]

THIS POST WILL BE LONG. I will try to make subsequent ones shorter.

 

Everyone in an affair shares the dilemma of not having anyone to discuss it with. In a low moment I found this site and I am grateful to have a resource where, hopefully, I can work through this crushing situation.

 

I met my AP in 1990. I was single, he was married to his high school sweetheart, with no children. We lived several hours apart, and 'back in the day' before the Internet and texting, our relationship consisted of occasional phone calls and once-a-month visits. I loved him with everything in me and went into a nearly lethal self-destruct mode when he made the decision after two years to end our relationship and work on his marriage.

 

Within a month, I rebounded into a relationship with a man who I have since married and had children with. My children saved me, but every pregnancy was a selfish attempt to be happy. My marriage has had happy moments and I believe marriage should be a lifelong commitment. But when you marry on the rebound before really knowing someone - incompatibility almost always rears its ugly head. He has a temper. I have issues/habits he finds intolerable. His dreams supercede mine, and the shorter life gets the sadder I get that I made such a huge decision to escape the pain of losing my AP.

 

Over the years, there was sporadic "how are you doing" contact between me and my former AP. Usually in the form of five-minute phone calls, after I learned via the internet how to reach him.

 

One summer, three years after our ending, I actually drove to his town with my firstborn child, during a trip to see my family. I never expected to see him, the town was too big. I just felt the need to be there for a day, I can't explain it better than that. I was in a toy store with with my child. I spoke my child's name, and looked down the aisle - and former AP was standing there staring at me!!! I later learned that he was in the store with his wife and mother-in-law. I literally fled the store, I was so shocked to see him, and he followed me out and called my name. I don't know why I didn't stop and speak to him, but I didn't.

 

The years went by. We spoke maybe three times, for maybe five minutes at a time, over the years. He ultimately had children. I remember the small pang when I found that out. He had always wanted children. He made comments during our brief chats that gave me the impression that, while his life was not a fairytale, he was content and well. About five years ago he asked me to keep in touch, to call him regularly. That was the last time we spoke. And yet, he is the last thing I have thought of every single day for the last two decades. Our affair was wrong, but he loved me and I will always love him.

 

This past fall, my cellphone rang and it was an area code from his town. I knew instinctively it was him. With the advent of Facebook/Google, etc. I had seen photos online of him with his family over the last couple of years. I figured he was happy, and (knowing him as I did) I knew he would remain married for the rest of his life. The extreme pain of losing him had mellowed into a tiny little ache in the back of my mind - it only hurt when my husband was mean to me, and at those times I remember crying pathetically to myself, "why did you leave me, AP?" So when the phone rang this past fall, it was as if I had been waiting for it all these years.

 

AP's wife had divorced him. He didn't want to contact me in the immediate aftermath, because he knew I would consider that a rebound contact. He was dating someone. He didn't want to proceed with his life until he knew I was still married, and doing well. It was a decision moment for me, and I know I again made the wrong decision. I confided in him about my difficult marriage, and he walked in through that open door.

 

I am now in the middle of the most dysfunctional, heartbreaking, WRONG, emotional affair with the love of my life. We talk or text on a near daily basis. We grapple with guilt. He suffers because he remains in a relationship with someone who has no idea he has been in contact with me for most of the time that he's known her - although he did tell her about me. He told her he would never get over me.

I believe he IS in rebound mode still, even though he makes (anger/hurt-fueled) negative comments about his former wife all the time. He has alot of stress in his day-to-day life. Huge crises that cause him to worry every single day.

 

It is my hope that I can somehow build the strength to withdraw from his life without it causing such damage to me the way losing him did the first time, without hurting my husband and children. I want to find joy in the life I have, I want to do the right thing. I know he will always be the shadow following me wherever I go.

How long has he been divorced? I ask because I wonder if his request to keep in touch regularly was because he was divorced and wanted you back regardless of your martial status. You say he's in a relationship but the thing is that he doesn't have to stay with this girl. It is the same pattern as before. He is in a relationship and pursuing you. He can't even break up with a GIRLFRIEND before looking for someone new. He wants the best of both worlds. He didn't need to contact you to find out if you were married. He could have done a quick internet search and found that out. He contacted you with the hopes that you would be willing to get back with him. I'm pretty sure he could tell that you never stopped wanting him from the continued contact no matter how sporadic. What would he say if you told him you are leaving your husband so you and him could be together for good? Would he want that or would he high tail it out of there because he want you as a permanent fixture in his life. These are serious questions, not meant to insult you.

[Minnie09]

First and foremost you must sort through your m issues. Is there hope? What do you want for you and your family? How's your marriage in general? Did you say your H was abusive? Jumping from one r into the next never works. What of there wasn't an OM? Would you still think the same way? The affair will always skew your view. Try to look at your M without the OM in the picture, ideally with the help of a counselor. If its salvageable, and if that's what you want, go to mc and repair it. Make it better. If not, let go. It's a decision you have to make either way.

 

The OM isn't your safe bet. I'm not so sure if he would pursue a relationship with you outside of an affair scenario. Given your history with him, it doesn't look like it at all. He's been M to someone else, now has a gf. He SAYS he's sick with guilt. But is he really? He's a cheater. He is selfish. He wants the best of two worlds and I doubt that he has your best interest in mind.

 

Your priority should be you. And your kids. And whatever it is that makes your H and M less than perfect, find out what it is - work on it, be open about it, talk to your H, or find a way to amicably split. Then be in your own and be happy. Whatever comes next is what's supposed to happen. Work on you. Don't let the OM rule your life. He shouldn't even have a supporting role in your life right now. You have too much other stuff going on than dealing with him or an A.

[pteromom]

I think you have idealized him to a point where it isn't based in reality. He isn't the "love of your life"... he's just this guy who has a really hard time being faithful and seems to contact you whenever he's lonely.

 

There is no need to read meaning into the situation. There's no "meant to be" or fate or destiny involved in his continual pursuing of you. He just knows you'll always accept communication from him.

 

You need to cut it off. Just stop seeing him. Reinvest in your marriage and see if you can fix the problems or not. If not, THEN date someone else. Preferably not this guy though.

[TwoTowns]

How long has he been divorced? I ask because I wonder if his request to keep in touch regularly was because he was divorced and wanted you back regardless of your martial status. You say he's in a relationship but the thing is that he doesn't have to stay with this girl. It is the same pattern as before. He is in a relationship and pursuing you. He can't even break up with a GIRLFRIEND before looking for someone new. He wants the best of both worlds. He didn't need to contact you to find out if you were married. He could have done a quick internet search and found that out. He contacted you with the hopes that you would be willing to get back with him. I'm pretty sure he could tell that you never stopped wanting him from the continued contact no matter how sporadic. What would he say if you told him you are leaving your husband so you and him could be together for good? Would he want that or would he high tail it out of there because he want you as a permanent fixture in his life. These are serious questions, not meant to insult you.

I understand, I know you aren't trying to insult me.

His wife filed for divorce in early 2012 and it just became final. He, in my opinion, has a need to be cohabiting with someone - because that's all he knows, from his mid-teens on. He contacted me four months after meeting his current partner. They moved in together a year after his wife left him, and seven months after meeting each other. He says that he will never with a capital N marry again.

He told me that his decision to contact me was to find out my status, because if I had been free he would have ended it with his current partner and "swooped me up." He says he loves her, that she is 'easy to be with.'

Some men are most comfortable on their own, living the single life. He isn't one of them.

I believe he is rebounding. I believe he is depressed. I believe he and I are both selfish.

I still love him.

[TwoTowns]

so all those years your self esteem did not grow?

 

 

No. I guess it didn't.

[ThatJustHappened]

No. I guess it didn't.

 

Why are you still married? Why don't you divorce your husband and marry this other guy if you're so unhappy?

[chaser0195]

Ok. For some reason it won't let me quote your reply. But you said he is depressed and on the rebound. You know from experience that starting a relationship in that state is a recipe for disaster. That right there should be reason enough for you to get out. And he doesn't have to grapple with the guilt. He could stop it all by either ending it with his girlfriend or ending it with you. He may have loved you and he may still love you but he didn't love you enough to choose you 20 years ago so I'd be very Leary his of true motives. What will you do if he decides to dump you again? Do you want to spend the next 20 years in the same manner as you did the previous 20? Remember, it's your mental health and sanity on the line here.

[TwoTowns]

Ok. For some reason it won't let me quote your reply. But you said he is depressed and on the rebound. You know from experience that starting a relationship in that state is a recipe for disaster. That right there should be reason enough for you to get out. And he doesn't have to grapple with the guilt. He could stop it all by either ending it with his girlfriend or ending it with you. He may have loved you and he may still love you but he didn't love you enough to choose you 20 years ago so I'd be very Leary his of true motives. What will you do if he decides to dump you again? Do you want to spend the next 20 years in the same manner as you did the previous 20? Remember, it's your mental health and sanity on the line here.

 

I know he didn't love me enough then. And I'm sure I still love him more now than he loves me.

 

Someone can be the love of your life even if they don't deserve it - even if they didn't love you as much as you loved them - even if your relationship was an illicit one - even if you have no chance of a future with that person. I have to deal with that for the rest of my life.

I know I need to end the emotional affair for my family's sake. I'm just trying to cope and I am trying to reach out for support even though I know I don't deserve it.

[chaser0195]

I know he didn't love me enough then. And I'm sure I still love him more now than he loves me.

 

Someone can be the love of your life even if they don't deserve it - even if they didn't love you as much as you loved them - even if your relationship was an illicit one - even if you have no chance of a future with that person. I have to deal with that for the rest of my life.

I know I need to end the emotional affair for my family's sake. I'm just trying to cope and I am trying to reach out for support even though I know I don't deserve it.

I understand your predicament. I think many of us do. Most of the people on here will support you and I think that's what many of us are trying to do even if you don't feel that way. Our words and advice are said in hopes we point you in a good direction or point out something that you may not of noticed or thought about before. We are just trying to save you, your husband, your kids and everyone involved the havoc this can/will cause and you your sanity. I think everyone here gives awesome advice. The problem is that when you are in the situation for yourself, you don't always see it as clear as an outsider does. I read some of the stories on here and they are very close to my story but I can give them advice and support that I cant give myself because we don't see our situation as clearly as an outsider. That's what so great about this site. You can vent, ask, and learn about something that is normal taboo elsewhere.

[18Years2Late]

This makes me sad bc it hits REALLY close to home...

 

I've been M 16 yrs and have 3 wonderful children from that M...also in an attempt to be "happy" or make the M better...I met my H on the rebound from a broken engagement 18 yrs ago...I have since had an A with my xBF from 18 yrs ago...he left again for the 4th time (and final time) to work on his M and I'll b divorced soon...

 

I would have NEVER been happy with any man...not just my H...bc my xBF turned AP filled up every crevice of my heart and mind for 18 yrs...and that's a real shame bc I wasted a lot of time on a worthless, selfish, cowardly, POS...and not I'm not sure I can ever look at any man the same way again...anyway...I digress...

 

u seem to have the same/similar issue...always loved this outside fantasy man...ur H never stood a chance...it sucks but it is what it is...however...you need to choose one bc this triangular relationship will make u bat shyte crazy like you never thought was possible...

 

Pick one...don't care which one...pick one and move in that direction...just remember there will be fallout no matter which one u choose...and if U choose neither...that's ok too and probably the best move...ur H deserves to find a happy fulfilling relationship with someone who is emotionally available and committed to him...that's not you and not me (with my H not urs...lol)...and the longer you remain in this self-destructive relationship(s)...the more emotionally unavailable u will become...it's hard...very effing hard...but it gets harder every day u wait with indecision...

 

Sorry ur here...I understand...

[TwoTowns]

This makes me sad bc it hits REALLY close to home...

 

I've been M 16 yrs and have 3 wonderful children from that M...also in an attempt to be "happy" or make the M better...I met my H on the rebound from a broken engagement 18 yrs ago...I have since had an A with my xBF from 18 yrs ago...he left again for the 4th time (and final time) to work on his M and I'll b divorced soon...

 

I would have NEVER been happy with any man...not just my H...bc my xBF turned AP filled up every crevice of my heart and mind for 18 yrs...and that's a real shame bc I wasted a lot of time on a worthless, selfish, cowardly, POS...and not I'm not sure I can ever look at any man the same way again...anyway...I digress...

 

u seem to have the same/similar issue...always loved this outside fantasy man...ur H never stood a chance...it sucks but it is what it is...however...you need to choose one bc this triangular relationship will make u bat shyte crazy like you never thought was possible...

 

Pick one...don't care which one...pick one and move in that direction...just remember there will be fallout no matter which one u choose...and if U choose neither...that's ok too and probably the best move...ur H deserves to find a happy fulfilling relationship with someone who is emotionally available and committed to him...that's not you and not me (with my H not urs...lol)...and the longer you remain in this self-destructive relationship(s)...the more emotionally unavailable u will become...it's hard...very effing hard...but it gets harder every day u wait with indecision...

 

Sorry ur here...I understand...

Thank you so much. I feel very isolated, and your experience has many parallels with mine, except maybe the current marital status of my AP. I am sort of sleepwalking through my life. My heart feels broken all the time.

I really, honestly don't consider the AP a fantasy man - I know he's not perfect. I do believe he is a good person who left me the first time because he did feel guilty about cheating on his wife, he did love her and he did believe in the institution of marriage.

We haven't even done more than talk and exchange photos this time around, and AP is already struggling with the guilt thing (as am I). So the end of our relationship seems inevitable. Neither one of us is proud to be in this situation.

It hurts so much because I know we could have been happy together had we met the first time under different circumstances. I've always considered this hurt one of the consequences of my actions.

Edited February 19, 2013 by TwoTowns
wanted to elaborate on my original reply

[Owl]

Ladygrey has given you some spot on advice.

 

You note that you're "sleepwalking" through your life.

 

Enough of that. Pull up your big girl britches and start taking some ownership (and by extension, responsibility) for your own darned life.

 

You need to decide...which man to keep, and which to discard?

 

It's that simple...perhaps not easy, but that simple.

 

And it's the FIRST, the ONLY action you can take right this moment.

 

Decide which one you're going to keep, and which one you're going to lose. From there...you'll know exactly what you need to do.

 

SO...WHO YOU GONNA CHOOSE?

[carhill]

Sounds like you had unfinished business. That's OK. Finish it.

 

Need some help with your M? Straightening out that unfinished business? Gaining clarity on your life direction? YMMV but MC worked wonders for me on both counts. Only difference in my case is genders are reversed and it was 23 years instead 22.

 

Good luck.