targaryen Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Hi all, I'm a dumpee, not a dumper. In fact, I've never broken up with anyone in my life. My first serious or at least long term relationship of four years just ended two weeks ago with her walking away citing the fact that we've grown apart and that we want different things (I want a lifelong commitment, she doesn't) as reasons. Apparantly she is also not attracted to me that way anymore. At the same time, she had struggled for six months to actually end it as we were very very close and I am pretty confident in saying she does love me. (full disclosure: in the final few weeks I was pretty unhappy myself and found myself cancelling meeting her a couple of times...even played around the idea of breaking it off myself but never considered it seriously as I literally don't know how to walk away from something like that. I guess I continue to hope. Anyway. I'm pretty curious about the dumper's brain/mind/psychology. Obviously, it's a way for me to understand or try and peer into what's going on. I was the one who demanded NC but also the one that already tried to break NC twice. On the other hand, she's been completely cut off. So I'm wondering how she's dealing with this. Is she happy that I stopped contacting her or relieved? Would she get angry if I went out with another girl right now? or would she just shrug? I just spent a day at the local library which I know she frequents, telling myself I was there because it was the best place to get work done, but deep down I know I was hoping for a glimpse. And I did. I ran into her while going up the stairs to the second floor and she was going down. I literally dived behind some papers I was holding but she called out 'hey you!' so I stopped and very awkwardly said "hi, i'm going upstairs, bye!" and fled the scene. Her face was completely passive. When I calmed down I felt ashamed and went out for a smoke, she was chatting with a couple of colleagues and completely ignored me. So why did she call out? Especially considering she has until now always ignored my contact attempts?
lovelifexx Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 She called out because she saw you and wanted to say hi. She isn't contacting you because this is exactly what she wanted, to have you out of her life. She is happier this way.
thekarmacist Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 four years is a long time, and whether we're dumped or dumping, the other person isn't immediately or easily forgotten. you can be sure of that. i think, for the party ending the relationship (dumper sounds like 'person crapping'), there is relief in the immediate aftermath..but it typically doesn't last, unless there's abuse involved. she will, with time, miss you, but staying away from her will shorten the time it takes for that to occur. she called out because she saw you, and it's easier for her because she ended the relationship. she doesn't have the feeling of rejection that you do. you were there, she feels no hesitation, she calls out. stay away for now and concentrate on you. thinking about her is tantamount to spinning your tires, and it won't help get her back, if that's possible.
CopingGal Posted February 23, 2013 Posted February 23, 2013 I dumped my ex because he just started ignoring me in the relationship. It was as simple as that. He didn't call and didn't return my calls. He simply "checked out." Of course, I found out after some time later, it was because he was cheating on me. I do believe he cheated on me throughout the relationship. When I first dumped him, he tried to make me feel like the break up was my fault...that I was being clinging and wanted all him time, blah, blah, blah. Then he told me he was cheating on me and I was right to leave him. Then, he started calling me to throw this woman in my face. My ex shifted his lies and his strange behaviors back and forth. After 4 threats to call the police over some weeks, he finally left me alone. I was in relationships in the past in which I should have dumped my bfs, but I did not. But I've changed. And as long as men disrespect me and treat me like crap, I will be a dumper. Dumpers get looked down upon here because so many people have been hurt. But I encourage people to dump their partners if their partners lie on a regular basis and/or treat them like garbage. 1
KansasChica Posted February 25, 2013 Posted February 25, 2013 Hi targaryen, I know it's so hard- I can't even imagine getting out of a four-year relationship and what you must be going through. I was the dumpee as well, and like you, I implemented NC. For the first months or so, I was in such denial that it was really over. My ex was a huge coward and played a lot of cruel mind games- devaluing me, blaming me, giving me no real reason for the breakup, leading me on that he just wanted a break, trying to contact me. I also heard what I wanted to hear as well (part of the denial) and really had no idea how to deal with the lack of closure. Your ex said "hello"... that's more than I got 6 months after we broke up. Instead, he would walk by me and pretend like he didn't know me. That was more confusing and hurt more than the actual breakup. He couldn't even say "hello". She does miss you- like an earlier poster said four years is a long time, but she just doesn't want to be in a relationship. I wish I hadn't been in denial for so long- I wasted so many months of healing time pining for him. You need to stop trying to run into her, because it's only going to set you back. Give yourself plenty of time to heal- meet new friends, new activities, etc. Don't try to rush into dating- you've been hurt. Focus on yourself, taking care of yourself. Hang in there!
Author targaryen Posted February 25, 2013 Author Posted February 25, 2013 Thank you for your advice, KansasChica! I came back to this thread because I almost went back to the same library (I know she hangs out there on Monday) today! But I overcame it. I made a slight mistake because I talked to her best friend on Facebook (a gay guy who I kind of suspect was the one who convinced her that being single was better so they could party more together but anyway...) and asked if it's possible for them to avoid the library next Thursday...however he was cold and said the place is public and I can't push them away! I really need to go but don't want to run into her again (I know I will if I continue going there). He also said that she won't be uncomfortable if she saw me and will even say hi! This makes it worse, in my opinion...how can she be so comfortable seeing me after dumping me? It's like it never happened...IT makes me so ANGRY I live in a very small place and the next best library is an hour's flight away - literally. I am now at home instead of the library and contemplating sending her a message, email, anything to tell her I don't want anything to do with her ever again.
KansasChica Posted February 26, 2013 Posted February 26, 2013 I don't know if I'd believe the friend. When I saw my ex out, I could definitely put on a false front and pretend that I was so happy (on the inside I was freaking out). It's going to be awkward running into the person who rejected you/you rejected regardless. Just remember that the only person you need to worry about is yourself. If you see them, say hello and keep walking. Keep going NC until you fully heal. I saw my ex recently and really felt nothing. It was so strange... after a year of hurt, anger, sadness, I've finally moved on for him. NC helped tremendously. Trying to talk to him only set me back. It confused me and delayed the healing. Keep reminding yourself of that.
Author targaryen Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 so saying hello isn't breaking NC? because that's how it feels. I ran into her again yesterday. She was with a couple of friends and all three said hey to me at the same time as I approached (I had to pass near them to get to my destination). I said hey twice, pointedly ignoring hers. Then just continued walking. But it still feels like I broke NC. I ended up checking her blog for a reaction to seeing me, like she had last time, but nothing....ugh! I need a new library man.
KansasChica Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 so saying hello isn't breaking NC? because that's how it feels. I ran into her again yesterday. She was with a couple of friends and all three said hey to me at the same time as I approached (I had to pass near them to get to my destination). I said hey twice, pointedly ignoring hers. Then just continued walking. But it still feels like I broke NC. I ended up checking her blog for a reaction to seeing me, like she had last time, but nothing....ugh! I need a new library man. NC is to just benefit you and your healing. If saying "hello" is going to set you back, then definitely don't do it. You have to protect yourself first and foremost.
Author targaryen Posted March 7, 2013 Author Posted March 7, 2013 Thank you KansasChica. I took the decision to completely detox starting today. I've set up a system with a trusted friend who will alert me in 99% of the cases when I should stay away from this mutual hangout I can't avoid. I've also deleted all text messages and archived 4 years worth of emails in another inbox. I've blocked her on Skype so I can't see the chat logs anymore. Facebook blocked as well. The only thing left to do is to manage to go for the first day without checking her blog. Easier said than done but I'll manage if I simply continue to remind myself that all I'll find there is hurt..
drpepper1886 Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 If you use firefox there is an addon called LeechBlock where you can have it redirect you or block you from visiting sites you put in. So maybe you have it redirect you to LS or some other place when you try to visit her blog. I'm sure there are addons for Chrome and other browsers that do the same.
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