Chloe1980 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Hi everyone, today is day 10 after breakup, 4 days NC. He was going to test himself for stds last Tuesday and promised to tell me the results. He hasnt contacted me so and I am freaking out I may have aids. I cant stop thinking I have aids, he was so promiscuous, with men and women, and I am not sure whether last time we were together the condom slipped, it was weird... Besides being feeling like crap, now I think I have aids, But i have to wait 20 more days to test, and I just cant. I'd like to text him asking for the results, maybe tomorrow or wednesday, I just dont know what to do. I need him to tell me everything is fine, but still he can lie to me. I need some advice, please!
mammasita Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I know its hard and easier said than done, but you need to stop stressing yourself out over this. You're right, he can lie to you about his results. Its quite obvious he has no issues with decieving and lying to you. The best thing you can do at this point is try to keep calm and get through the next 20 days (why do you have to wait?) and get tested yourself. It's the ONLY way that you will know for sure. 1
sweetheart5381 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Hi everyone, today is day 10 after breakup, 4 days NC. He was going to test himself for stds last Tuesday and promised to tell me the results. He hasnt contacted me so and I am freaking out I may have aids. I cant stop thinking I have aids, he was so promiscuous, with men and women, and I am not sure whether last time we were together the condom slipped, it was weird... Besides being feeling like crap, now I think I have aids, But i have to wait 20 more days to test, and I just cant. I'd like to text him asking for the results, maybe tomorrow or wednesday, I just dont know what to do. I need him to tell me everything is fine, but still he can lie to me. I need some advice, please! Don't break no contact, knowing the results will not change them. Get yourself tested on your own, do this for yourself - independent of your former relationship with him. You do not NEED anything from him. You already have everything you need - you.
Author Chloe1980 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 thank you all. OMG this is so hard... I need to wait 20 more days for hiv, as the antibodies start showing by then if there is infection. Three months is the time you can get the exact answer, but 1 month is tentatively. He lied me all the time, he may have aids and he told me not. But you're true, i need to calm down.
Chi townD Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 First off. Stop stressing out. If he had a positive result he is required by law to provide the names of the people he has been intimate with. His doctor or the Department of Health would have called you to come in and get tested. Why do you have to wait 20 days to get tested? Just go in. See your OB/GYN and get checked out. This is YOUR health we're talking about here.
sweetheart5381 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 thank you all. OMG this is so hard... I need to wait 20 more days for hiv, as the antibodies start showing by then if there is infection. Three months is the time you can get the exact answer, but 1 month is tentatively. He lied me all the time, he may have aids and he told me not. But you're true, i need to calm down. I'm sorry you are going through this, the waiting is the hardest part. I was raped last yr and had to go through 2 rounds of testing... the waiting was hard but you really need to keep calm. Being stressed is bad for your overall health. The truth is, HIV is still relatively rare in the general population and the chances are quite low that you contracted it. Contact your local sexual assault center and I'm sure they can give you the local statistics for your area. This helped me a lot to get through the waiting period. 1
Author Chloe1980 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 First off. Stop stressing out. If he had a positive result he is required by law to provide the names of the people he has been intimate with. His doctor or the Department of Health would have called you to come in and get tested. Why do you have to wait 20 days to get tested? Just go in. See your OB/GYN and get checked out. This is YOUR health we're talking about here. Is this true? For all states? Can you provide me with more info, please?
Author Chloe1980 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 From wikihow: "Most HIV tests diagnose HIV infection by detecting antibodies produced by an individual's immune system when they are exposed to HIV. However, it does take some time for enough of those antibodies to be present to be detected by the antibody HIV test. The time it takes for people to have produced enough antibodies varies; anywhere from 2 to 8 weeks or longer, with the average being about 25 days. But this can vary from person to person so a good rule of thumb to follow is if your negative test was done less than 3 months after your potential exposure, you should get another test after 3 months time. While about 97% of people will develop HIV antibodies after an infection, it may take 6 months to produce antibodies in some cases. In our clinic we recommend HIV testing after a potential exposure at 6 weeks, 3 months, and 6 months after exposure"
Author Chloe1980 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 I'm sorry you are going through this, the waiting is the hardest part. I was raped last yr and had to go through 2 rounds of testing... the waiting was hard but you really need to keep calm. Being stressed is bad for your overall health. The truth is, HIV is still relatively rare in the general population and the chances are quite low that you contracted it. Contact your local sexual assault center and I'm sure they can give you the local statistics for your area. This helped me a lot to get through the waiting period. I am so sorry you had to pass through all that. I am googleing sexual assault center but cannot find the info, could you please give me more info?
sweetheart5381 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I am so sorry you had to pass through all that. I am googleing sexual assault center but cannot find the info, could you please give me more info? You should be able to find this info by googling your local hospital, health unit, etc. It really depends where you live as this is an international site. Most regions of Canada have a sexual assault response clinic devoted to matters like this and can provide you with information.
Chi townD Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Is this true? For all states? Can you provide me with more info, please? It's under the Health Protection Act Under Section 13 subsection A and B. It's required by law that HE notify you of a positive result OR transfer responsibility to the Physician or a Public Health Nurse. He would be required to provide the names and phone numbers of the persons he's been in contact with. Regulations - Health Protection - Reporting Requirements for HIV Positive Persons
Author Chloe1980 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 I cannot cope with this, I need to call him. I'll call him
Calvin's wagon Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 (edited) Hi. Chloe, I'm so sorry to read about your situation (I've read all the threads you've posted). I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will be ok! I can understand what you're going through, at least to some extent. I went to get tested for HIV (condom broke/slipped), and waiting for the required period to pass was really difficult! But you can do a lot to help yourself reduce the stress of waiting. Some of the things I'd suggest you think about (of course, every person is an individual, so they might not have the same effect...) - about contacting him to get the results: As you've said yourself, who knows if he will tell you the truth. Some people are such that they would want to hurt you by lying to you and give you false bad news... And even if he would tell you the truth, I'm sorry to say that as far as I understand the situtation, even if he'd be negative, it doesn't mean that you're out of the woods. Because he might in theory have contracted it during the time you were together, and since it hasn't been six weeks, it wouldn't show on his current results... So bear that in mind when you'll be tempted to contact him... - like others have said, try to contact governmental and non-governmental institutions/groups who offer support to people in such situations. Try browsing online, and if you're not sure, try to contact your physician or maybe some groups for victims of sexual violence. I think they will probably be able to give you some contacts of helpful institutions - when you will feel that you're starting to panic about it, try to calm yourself by using some relaxation techniques that you like. There are many of them (yoga, meditation, chill out music,...) you can look up, but the one that I've seen work in real life was autogenic training. There are a lot of articles about it online, and you can do it by yourself. Just be persistent!Autogenic Training Exercises | Autogenic Training Course , ,... - if you can, try to exercise a lot. When I was overwhelmed by worrying, I went to run, play basketball by myself etc. It will make you feel better, and afterwards when you'll be tired, I hope you will have less energy with which to worry and it will help you get to sleep (at least that's what happened in my case) - let yourself express your anger and other emotions! Don't keep them bottled up, but also don't wallow in them! Express them with the goal of letting the bad energy out of your system. It depends on each individual what's best for her/him, so try to see what makes you feel best. I tried different thing -> screaming and shouting obscenities in my car , punching my pillow (or going to the gym to punch bags there), exercising my anger out etc. - at the moment, what I'm doing also is trying to write negative things down. First of all, I write down all the fears and uncertainties that you have (for example "I'm afraid that I have HIV", "I'm afraid I won't be able to maintain NC" etc.). Then I burn that piece(s) of paper and flush the remains down the toilet. Be careful to not burn yourself or stuff:) Also write down and that have hurt me and made me feel bad in the past (also stuff from your childhood, if you have time). Burn that. Also, imagine in your head what you want to say or do to the people that have hurt you in your life (try to imagine their response as well). If you're like me and it's hard for you to imagine that, write down what you want to say/do to them. Then, burn the paper and flush. - come here as often as possible If you feel like talking to someone, try calling on the SOS phones (I hope they exist in your country, in my country they exist and a lot of them are free to call). There, there are people/volunteers who talk to people who feel bad and want to talk to someone! - also, try to bear in mind what my doctor told me at the time -> that even though HIV is extremely serious and worldwide problem, if you have unprotected sex with someone, there is still only like 0,0(0)5% chance of contracting (statistics, I know, but still...) it. That really surprised me, because before I thought it was more likely than not that if one has sex with someone who has HIV, that he will get it. Of course, after my experience, I'm even more careful what I do, but that was at the time a slightly comforting thought. - try to take some time and 1.) think positive thoughts! Think to yourself "I will be great", "this will make me stronger" etc., listen to optimistic music 2.) Try to write down all the great things that you will do (learn to dance salsa, travel to ___, join the local theater,...) 3.) take as much time as you can to do the stuff that make you happy & forget about him&the bad stuff. 4.) While doing that, I hope you will meet people with which you'll be able to spend some of your free time and hopefully who'll become your good friends in the future. But speaking from my experience, at the moment it might be better to focus on getting female friends... - if you have the possibility, try to help others... Hopefully, it will make you feel better (it did to me). If you love animals, contact the local shelter and ask them if they need help walking the animals etc., if you're good at talking to kids, elderly,..., try contacting organizations that need volunteers to spend time with them... If you think that at the moment it'd be better not to connect to vulnerable people, try participating in events that look at cleaning the nature around you etc. - just don't allow yourself to spend too much time to think about bad stuff. of course, it is important and neccessary to allow yourself to grieve and be sad, but not too much! It's important to try to find the right combination of everything. - I've had (and still have) lots of unresolved issues in my life, and some of the things you've written sound exactly like some of mine. I realised that in order to make my future (friend, romantic, ...) relationships better, I would have to work on resolving my problems. I really recommend therapy (I don't know how accessible it is in your country, but try to find something!) and I think it has helped me enormously. I've also realised that a lot of my "bad", "too needy", doormat-like, "desperately trying to find someone for me" etc. detrimental behavioural patterns stem from my experiences with my family/friends from childhood. There are a lot of books and sites that will help you (and if you check other threads on this site, you will find excellent recommendations), but to me, two books have helped me so much. One of them was "Families and how to survive them" by Robin Skynner, the other was "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward. Check them out in your local libraries, and I think the 2nd one might also be available online And be sure to not forget that there are a lot of great people out there and also here, who will help you help yourself! As corny as it is, this is still a great song that brings a big smile upon my face:) . And this always puts my bad mood in a funny light - Sinking feeling | Robot Chicken | Adult Swim - YouTube I hope I helped! Sweetheart, I'm sorry to hear about that! I wish you all the best! Edited February 18, 2013 by Calvin's wagon added bolding style 2
sweetheart5381 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Hi. Chloe, I'm so sorry to read about your situation (I've read all the threads you've posted). I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will be ok! I can understand what you're going through, at least to some extent. I went to get tested for HIV (condom broke/slipped), and waiting for the required period to pass was really difficult! But you can do a lot to help yourself reduce the stress of waiting. Some of the things I'd suggest you think about (of course, every person is an individual, so they might not have the same effect...) - about contacting him to get the results: As you've said yourself, who knows if he will tell you the truth. Some people are such that they would want to hurt you by lying to you and give you false bad news... And even if he would tell you the truth, I'm sorry to say that as far as I understand the situtation, even if he'd be negative, it doesn't mean that you're out of the woods. Because he might in theory have contracted it during the time you were together, and since it hasn't been six weeks, it wouldn't show on his current results... So bear that in mind when you'll be tempted to contact him... - like others have said, try to contact governmental and non-governmental institutions/groups who offer support to people in such situations. Try browsing online, and if you're not sure, try to contact your physician or maybe some groups for victims of sexual violence. I think they will probably be able to give you some contacts of helpful institutions - when you will feel that you're starting to panic about it, try to calm yourself by using some relaxation techniques that you like. There are many of them (yoga, meditation, chill out music,...) you can look up, but the one that I've seen work in real life was autogenic training. There are a lot of articles about it online, and you can do it by yourself. Just be persistent!Autogenic Training Exercises | Autogenic Training Course , ,... - if you can, try to exercise a lot. When I was overwhelmed by worrying, I went to run, play basketball by myself etc. It will make you feel better, and afterwards when you'll be tired, I hope you will have less energy with which to worry and it will help you get to sleep (at least that's what happened in my case) - let yourself express your anger and other emotions! Don't keep them bottled up, but also don't wallow in them! Express them with the goal of letting the bad energy out of your system. It depends on each individual what's best for her/him, so try to see what makes you feel best. I tried different thing -> screaming and shouting obscenities in my car , punching my pillow (or going to the gym to punch bags there), exercising my anger out etc. - at the moment, what I'm doing also is trying to write negative things down. First of all, I write down all the fears and uncertainties that you have (for example "I'm afraid that I have HIV", "I'm afraid I won't be able to maintain NC" etc.). Then I burn that piece(s) of paper and flush the remains down the toilet. Be careful to not burn yourself or stuff:) Also write down and that have hurt me and made me feel bad in the past (also stuff from your childhood, if you have time). Burn that. Also, imagine in your head what you want to say or do to the people that have hurt you in your life (try to imagine their response as well). If you're like me and it's hard for you to imagine that, write down what you want to say/do to them. Then, burn the paper and flush. - come here as often as possible If you feel like talking to someone, try calling on the SOS phones (I hope they exist in your country, in my country they exist and a lot of them are free to call). There, there are people/volunteers who talk to people who feel bad and want to talk to someone! - also, try to bear in mind what my doctor told me at the time -> that even though HIV is extremely serious and worldwide problem, if you have unprotected sex with someone, there is still only like 0,0(0)5% chance of contracting (statistics, I know, but still...) it. That really surprised me, because before I thought it was more likely than not that if one has sex with someone who has HIV, that he will get it. Of course, after my experience, I'm even more careful what I do, but that was at the time a slightly comforting thought. - try to take some time and 1.) think positive thoughts! Think to yourself "I will be great", "this will make me stronger" etc., listen to optimistic music 2.) Try to write down all the great things that you will do (learn to dance salsa, travel to ___, join the local theater,...) 3.) take as much time as you can to do the stuff that make you happy & forget about him&the bad stuff. 4.) While doing that, I hope you will meet people with which you'll be able to spend some of your free time and hopefully who'll become your good friends in the future. But speaking from my experience, at the moment it might be better to focus on getting female friends... - if you have the possibility, try to help others... Hopefully, it will make you feel better (it did to me). If you love animals, contact the local shelter and ask them if they need help walking the animals etc., if you're good at talking to kids, elderly,..., try contacting organizations that need volunteers to spend time with them... If you think that at the moment it'd be better not to connect to vulnerable people, try participating in events that look at cleaning the nature around you etc. - just don't allow yourself to spend too much time to think about bad stuff. of course, it is important and neccessary to allow yourself to grieve and be sad, but not too much! It's important to try to find the right combination of everything. - I've had (and still have) lots of unresolved issues in my life, and some of the things you've written sound exactly like some of mine. I realised that in order to make my future (friend, romantic, ...) relationships better, I would have to work on resolving my problems. I really recommend therapy (I don't know how accessible it is in your country, but try to find something!) and I think it has helped me enormously. I've also realised that a lot of my "bad", "too needy", doormat-like, "desperately trying to find someone for me" etc. detrimental behavioural patterns stem from my experiences with my family/friends from childhood. There are a lot of books and sites that will help you (and if you check other threads on this site, you will find excellent recommendations), but to me, two books have helped me so much. One of them was "Families and how to survive them" by Robin Skynner, the other was "Toxic parents" by Susan Forward. Check them out in your local libraries, and I think the 2nd one might also be available online And be sure to not forget that there are a lot of great people out there and also here, who will help you help yourself! As corny as it is, this is still a great song that brings a big smile upon my face:) . And this always puts my bad mood in a funny light - Sinking feeling | Robot Chicken | Adult Swim - YouTube I hope I helped! Sweetheart, I'm sorry to hear about that! I wish you all the best! Thank you and this is a great post! Sometimes things that seem insurmountable are not, you just need to find your inner and outer resources and deal one day at a time. 1
Calvin's wagon Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Thank you too:) I agree with you about the seemingly insurmountable troubles. You have to deal with them one day at a time, and at some point you will realize that they are not insurmountable. Chloe, I wanted to add one more thing I forgot before - there was a period in my past when it was quite hard for me to not go for example on facebook etc. (you mentioned that you crave to go check some sites, that's why I'm talking about this). So I blocked those pages. You can either block them with a password, perhaps one that will remind you of why you blocked it (for example "he/she's a bastard, don't open this site":)) or without a password (so it will take you a couple of minutes to deblock it, which will give you some time to (re)consider what you're doing and remember why you blocked it in the first place). It took me a while to figure out how to block it, so if you want advice on this, I'll gladly post the blockers for firefox, chrome or opera, or even internet explorer ;P best wishes
destroyed4sho Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 (edited) Hi everyone, today is day 10 after breakup, 4 days NC. He was going to test himself for stds last Tuesday and promised to tell me the results. He hasnt contacted me so and I am freaking out I may have aids. I cant stop thinking I have aids, he was so promiscuous, with men and women, and I am not sure whether last time we were together the condom slipped, it was weird... Besides being feeling like crap, now I think I have aids, But i have to wait 20 more days to test, and I just cant. I'd like to text him asking for the results, maybe tomorrow or wednesday, I just dont know what to do. I need him to tell me everything is fine, but still he can lie to me. I need some advice, please! Ok, you are going a million miles a minute right now..keep calm.... I know you are freaking out, because there is this big mistrust now for him, and you don't trust that he even has told you the truth about his STD history. Most, likely he did care for you at some point and did tell you the truth. But keep sane, the chances that you got anything the one time, even if he is HIV positive are low....And the fact that you were using a condom even though it "slipped", your chances are even lower than that. What I would do, since I am a worrywart too, I would contact him to get results and tell him to show you the test results because you are concerned and need to see them. Edited February 18, 2013 by destroyed4sho
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