Genie1 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Hi all, I'll try make this as simple as I can Basically I met this guy at work in September 2012, from day 1 we got on well and we are great friends now. We were flirting from the start and even went out on a drinks "date".... But nothing (physical or otherwise) came of it so I was a bit gutted but accepted it. We contined to flirt and I felt the chemistry still but just wrote it off as me having a crush and tried to look elsewhere. But anyway we went for work drinks about a week ago (and baring in mind we know more about each other and I'm not looking for a relationship at the minute and even if I was, he's not really boyfriend material), but at these drinks we got closer and ended up kissing and it was amazing. I ended up back at his house but it was all very informal - we are both adults, know the score and are mature enough to understand that 2 friends can have a bit of "fun", and be grown up about it. So that's what happened. It was fantastic sex and he was so loving. He cuddled me tightly and held my hands all night long, was kissing me softly on my back .... Made me think wow I am really feeling something. Never before have I felt this from an encounter. The next morning, as agreed we were both dead cool, carrying on like the friends that we are but he was a little edgy to get out of the bed. He was holding back on cuddling me but I just thought that was cos the night was over, and it's back to reality. He's such a nice guy. He chatted to me before I left and we agreed again that we are adult enough to keep it quiet and he told me that his ex was back from a 2 year holiday and was trying to patch things up. I guess this was just another "don't expect anything off me other than what happened last night"....I was cool and said that's fine, he's lovely and needs to do what he needs to do. But when I got home I had a few tears because of how lovely our night was together.... The cuddles, everything. Anyone got any advice as to how I can be brave and get this out of my head? By the way, I am in no way trying to get him as a boyfriend, and we agreed to still be the good mates we are and carry on as normal. Thanks all
soccerrprp Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 But when I got home I had a few tears because of how lovely our night was together.... The cuddles, everything. By the way, I am in no way trying to get him as a boyfriend, and we agreed to still be the good mates we are and carry on as normal. Thanks all Are you certain you can continue being good "mates" after this? You are emotionally attached to the event and him. Your possible options: 1. Consider a relationship and possibilities thereof... 2. Change jobs (drastic) 3. Suck it up and prepare yourself for some painful days and pretend like everything is okay...only time will tell if things resolve themselves Good luck.
CarrieT Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 So that's what happened. It was fantastic sex and he was so loving. He cuddled me tightly and held my hands all night long, was kissing me softly on my back .... Made me think wow I am really feeling something. Never before have I felt this from an encounter. This is why random sex doesn't work for most women: We generate oxytocins which generate brain patterns of attachment and affection during coitus. I know - I have been guilty of it more than once... Yes, I am sure that YOU did start to feel something for this person. And now you are in a screwed up situation of trying to deal with those feelings. And for that, I am genuinely sorry. You can't be just friends and it will take a while for those emotions to die down - if you let them. The more you feed them (i.e., by thinking about him romantically), the more they are going to build and you will find yourself with unrequited love. 2
mitchell Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 As usual, Carrie is correct. Did you have a few orgasms during your sexual encounter? These release oxytocin in your brain which is a powerful "bonding" chemical.
O'Malley Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 (edited) You said yourself that he wasn't boyfriend material and he doesn't seem interested in anything other than a casual encounter with you. He solidified that when he brought up his ex and asked you to keep this under wraps. The potential fallout from a ons is accepting that you may feel intense chemistry, but it's an attraction that isn't likely to lead to anything significant. It doesn't mean you should hate him or regret what happened, but disengage from him and redirect that energy into meeting men who are worth your time. Don't allow him to be anything more than a coworker - no flirty conversations, texts or calls that aren't work related, or socializing after hours. Easier said than done to alter your feelings, I know, but once you get past the initial awkwardness you'll be fine. Edited February 18, 2013 by O'Malley
eleanorhurting Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 This is why I am incapable of casual sex. I just can't do it. And I won't. Because I did it once and then had to face a very sticky situation similar to the one you are in. So, learn from this and move on. It will get better I promise. 1
Author Genie1 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Thank you all for your words. I'm just so tearful because I've been madly attracted to him for months, and we have had chemistry that goes without saying. And I know I've only got myself to blame for all this because I should have just gone home last night. It would have been a lot easier (don't mean this in a crude way), but if after the sex, he just turned over and slept.... But instead he held me tightly and kissed me all over my forehead and back and we talked all night. I dunno, maybe he's feeling a bit flat as well today - obviously this ex he mentioned to me was a total warning sign to advise me that what happened last night is all it is. I'm sure I'll feel better in a day or 2.
FitChick Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 he held me tightly and kissed me all over my forehead and back and we talked all night. He might have been pretending you were his ex whom he misses and will be seeing again. Lesson learned. 1
ascendotum Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 But when I got home I had a few tears because of how lovely our night was together.... The cuddles, everything. ONS can turn out really well and don't have to wham bams with the woman left feeling seedy and regretting it the next day. They can be sensual as well if you pick the right guy and he's not plastered. I don't really understand why you weren't grinning instead of crying unless that was the most affectionate sex you had in ages or you want it more and it looks like that wont be happening from his comment about the ex (but you seemed fine with that...or maybe not quite eh?). Anyone got any advice as to how I can be brave and get this out of my head? By the way, I am in no way trying to get him as a boyfriend, and we agreed to still be the good mates we are and carry on as normal. Why can't it stay a great memory? You felt great about it and it was a boost for your self esteem. Its a little too early to tell if its going to adversely change things for you two at work, but you are optimistic that this guy was not going to be a dick about it.
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