exMM wants to meet our daughter

[Mount]

You should be proud of yourself doing so good. And remember three golden words - People Don't Change.

 

-end-

 

Hello everyone, it has been a long time since I posted here, so let me give everyone a little backstory.

3 years ago I had an affair with a married man and got accidentally pregnant. It did not sit well with him to put it lightly and he was especially angered by my decision to continue the pregnancy. At that time he started displaying some abusive tendencies (I don't know whether this was only because of the circumstances and because he was afraid and panicking since he has NEVER shown himself to be anything close to abusive before the whole situation). Anyway, he of course wanted me to get an abortion, manipulated me, harassed me, said hurtful and horrible things and even grabbed me once or twice. After careful consideration I decided that the best thing would be to cut him out of my life and I told him that I will not ask anything of him, he's free to walk out as long as he stops contacting me and leaves me alone.

 

Basically, we haven't directly spoken since. He did text me twice in the following few months and he also tried to ''fish'' for information through one of his co-workers (his company was a client of the company I used to work for). This co-worker also told me that MM and his family (wife and two sons) moved away to another city.

 

Now, my daughter is a beautiful two-year-old who is my world. The two of us are doing really well on our own and if I may say so I am very proud and content with how I've coped and how well this turned out.

 

But I am back to this forum because a week ago this co-worker of his (he is the only person who knows about our affair on his side) once again tried contacting me. The company I worked for at that time told him where I work now and he e-mailed me to my business e-mail whether we could meet up and talk. I initially refused because I did not want to visit the past again BUT after a few e-mail exchanges I did agree to go for coffee.

 

Long story short, he told me that exMM is thinking about me and our child (he does not know I had a girl or her name or anything for that matter) and that since he (the co-worker) does not want to meddle he gave me exMM's phone number. I did not call. I was still thinking it through because it is a big decision and a big step to take. However, two days ago exMM contacted my lawyer (I have to mention that exMM has no idea where I live because I moved while I was pregnant after we cut contact, I changed my number and I changed my job but he did still have my lawyer's contact from 3 years ago when I threatened him with it - the same lawyer is also a family friend, a good friend and colleague of my dad). He asked my lawyer if there is any way he can get my information and if there is any possible way to arrange a meeting for us.

 

I actually have no idea what to do. I want my daughter to meet her father and if he had a change of heart I think that is great. But I am nervous because I do not want to get dragged on a roller coaster again. I also know nothing about his situation with his family and wife and what not and I don't know if he will be sticking around or going back and forth because I can't put my daughter through that.

 

But then again, isn't at least one meet up with him better for her than none whatsoever. At least that way she will actually meet her father.

But I also don't want her to get hurt.

 

I am thinking about meeting up with him just me, without her to see his intentions, do you guys think it's a good idea?

 

I am very conflicted so any insight would greatly help.

[2sure]

You're her mom. It's your job to find out what he wants first. Then you can decide if you want to arrange his meeting your daughter.

 

Find out what he wants , why he wants it, what his life situation is, why he has supposedly changed, and what his expectations are.

 

First.

 

Your daughter owes him nothing.

[noelle303]

So...he came to another meeting with my lawyer and long story short - he is still with his wife and she does not know any of this.

 

Anyway, he was asked whether he plans on telling her and he said that of course he does but that it is a process and he hasn't thought it all through yet or figured it out completely. He said he doesn't know how this will work but that he can't stop thinking about his child and can't go through life not knowing anymore.

My lawyer said that he seemed sincere and that if I want to initiate contact, I can.

As far as legal matters go, it is all up to the two of us. exMM said he will not file a request with the court to see her, he wants to meet up with me and have the the two of us work it out. He also said that he understands if I refuse to see him or allow this.

 

Meanwhile, I am now at loss for what to do. It's too risky, with his wife not knowing and nothing being certain. I also wonder if the reason he wants us to work it out is because he's scared that if he goes through the court his wife would find out. I don't want my daughter to be his secret if we start this.

On the other hand....this is her chance to meet her dad. It's crucial that I make the right decision.

[whichwayisup]

So...he came to another meeting with my lawyer and long story short - he is still with his wife and she does not know any of this.

NUMBER ONE - He is to be NO WHERE near your child until his wife knows the truth and can handle this situation.

Anyway, he was asked whether he plans on telling her and he said that of course he does but that it is a process and he hasn't thought it all through yet or figured it out completely. He said he doesn't know how this will work but that he can't stop thinking about his child and can't go through life not knowing anymore.

Boo hoo hoo. He has to tell his wife, then see how things go. To try to spend time with your daughter behind his wife's back IS ASKING for trouble, this is a safety issue now too...Crimes of passion. KEEP HIM AWAY until there is peace, understanding and respect. Remember, it wasn't that long ago HE threatened you and treated you worse than a piece of poo! Don't forget that, ever. Remember what HE IS capable of.

 

He has to put his childs needs first, above his own. This is NOT about him and what he wants. This is what is best for your child and the long term affect it'll have on your daughter. Hope this makes sense. She was not born to satisfy HIM.

 

My lawyer said that he seemed sincere and that if I want to initiate contact, I can.

As far as legal matters go, it is all up to the two of us. exMM said he will not file a request with the court to see her, he wants to meet up with me and have the the two of us work it out. He also said that he understands if I refuse to see him or allow this.

 

Time will tell. Due to his past behaviour, his anger outbursts, his temper, his threats (DOES your lawyer know all that IN detail?) towards you, BE WEARY and do NOT trust him until he can prove to you his anger and issues are under control. As well as calm and peace at home with him and his wife being OK with him spending time with his child too.

 

Meanwhile, I am now at loss for what to do. It's too risky, with his wife not knowing and nothing being certain. I also wonder if the reason he wants us to work it out is because he's scared that if he goes through the court his wife would find out. I don't want my daughter to be his secret if we start this.

On the other hand....this is her chance to meet her dad. It's crucial that I make the right decision.

Your child is just a baby and right now she won't know or be able to make a choice.

 

Again, right now isn't crucial. HE has to come clean with his wife before anything progresses on your end.

[SunshineToday]

OMG, his wife doesnt know? The child was born 2 years ago and he cares so much, he is just coming around now....and told no one?/ She & you are his secret!!!

 

You have given your daughter a 2 year head start getting away from this creep and I dont know how you can even consider going anywhere near him!

 

Dont you think your daughter might be hurt when she finds out all this? I would just make the best life for her without anything to do with him! I dont even know if I would want my child to know her father was married to someone else when she was conceived, but deceiving a child about their parentage never seems to turn out well.

 

Best of luck. His wife is going to go nuts if she ever finds out.

[jwi71]

So...he came to another meeting with my lawyer and long story short - he is still with his wife and she does not know any of this.

 

I don't think anyone is too surprised at this.

 

Anyway, he was asked whether he plans on telling her and he said that of course he does but that it is a process and he hasn't thought it all through yet or figured it out completely. He said he doesn't know how this will work but that he can't stop thinking about his child and can't go through life not knowing anymore.

 

If you and your lawyer conclude he is sincere then he likely is.

 

As far as legal matters go, it is all up to the two of us. exMM said he will not file a request with the court to see her, he wants to meet up with me and have the the two of us work it out. He also said that he understands if I refuse to see him or allow this.

 

Yes, you need to think about this.

Ask your friends, parents, clergy, therapist - the lot of 'em.

 

Make the decision you think is best for your daughter - but honestly, such a decision, in almost anything about being a parent, does NOT exist. So don;t get caught up with what is "best" but settle for "good enough based on what I know and fell now".

 

Honestly, its really HARD to screw up a child. I mean, you have to work at it for years. And you don't strike me as that kind of mother. So, worry less about these types of things and worry more about enriching her life.

 

Meanwhile, I am now at loss for what to do. It's too risky, with his wife not knowing and nothing being certain. I also wonder if the reason he wants us to work it out is because he's scared that if he goes through the court his wife would find out. I don't want my daughter to be his secret if we start this.

On the other hand....this is her chance to meet her dad. It's crucial that I make the right decision.

 

Your daughter already IS a secret. So forget about worrying about that.

 

So...make it conditional. HE can be in her life on the following condition(s):

 

His W knows.

His W verifies to this to you in some manner that fully satisfies you (I'd make it in person)

 

Now, here's why we attach this condition - in a nutshell, its to protect your girl. We ideally want for her to have as healthy and as natural an R with her father as can be had. And luckily, she can have a wonderful loving and positive one with him (yes, its a good thing). But, imo, in order for that to be POSSIBLE, your daughter needs unfettered bidirectional communication with her father. She needs to be able to call whenever and wherever SHE desires. She CANNOT do so now. And I do not think we wish to explain to her WHY she cannot call her father. That, to me, is terribly damaging. Now yes, the whole calling bit is a bit early - but its coming. So we set this straight NOW for an EASIER (and healthier) tomorrow.

 

If your xMM balks at this and spews some verbal diarrhea about blackmail or revenge or whatever - calmly point out that if you wanted to rain hell on his life, you could have done so at ANY point in the past. Further reiterate you will NOT have artificial boundaries (his need to protect his life (ie not tell W)) when it comes to your daughter. She has full and unfettered access.

 

One day, not now, but sooner than you think, you're little girl is going to ask "Where's my daddy". And its sooner than you think. It wont be long before she realizes all the other kids have TWO parents show up whereas she only has one showing up.

 

Will you lie to her or tell her the truth?

Do you ever plan on telling her?

If so, what is your excuse for lying all those years to her?

 

Be mindful of tomorrow. And in that light, perhaps we think about having lunch with his W. We don't care about that its harmful to xMM's M and life - we care about what is best for your girl. And right now...the two seem to be at odds. So...where does your loyalty lie - the xMM or your little girl?

 

Like I previously said - its a decision fraught with peril. And you only have so much time to think before you MUST act. I'd circle the a=wagons of friends and experts and see what they think.

 

Right now, I lean on telling his W, proving its xMM's daughter. Not to ruin or hurt them - but to provide a better tomorrow for your girl.

 

Either way you go - its gonna be messy.

[woinlove]

So...he came to another meeting with my lawyer and long story short - he is still with his wife and she does not know any of this.

 

Anyway, he was asked whether he plans on telling her and he said that of course he does but that it is a process and he hasn't thought it all through yet or figured it out completely. He said he doesn't know how this will work but that he can't stop thinking about his child and can't go through life not knowing anymore.

My lawyer said that he seemed sincere and that if I want to initiate contact, I can.

As far as legal matters go, it is all up to the two of us. exMM said he will not file a request with the court to see her, he wants to meet up with me and have the the two of us work it out. He also said that he understands if I refuse to see him or allow this.

 

Meanwhile, I am now at loss for what to do. It's too risky, with his wife not knowing and nothing being certain. I also wonder if the reason he wants us to work it out is because he's scared that if he goes through the court his wife would find out. I don't want my daughter to be his secret if we start this.

On the other hand....this is her chance to meet her dad. It's crucial that I make the right decision.

 

I'm so sorry he is still acting this way, noelle. I had hoped, for you and your daughter's sake, he had changed a bit and was willing to act more responsibly. It is not fair to your daughter to have to be a secret from his family, including her half-siblings. And there is also the potential fall-out when/if his wife does learn the truth. He needs to think things through more than he has, because it sounds like all his has thought about so far is himself.

[noelle303]

My loyalty definitely lies with my little girl. I mean, she's the most important person to me and I want to make the right decision for her life, not his. When I'm thinking about his life and the effect, I still think about t in terms of how it will effect the life of my daughter.

My intentions were never to lie to her. It was always to tell her the truth, of course age-appropriately. I don't want her to be ashamed of how she came about in my life and one way of doing that is for myself to not be ashamed of it. And him keeping her a secret is inflicting shame on her so I can't have that in any way.

 

I want her to meet her dad, I really do want it to work out for her and I want to take this opportunity. I can't let spitefulness affect this decision.

 

Thats why I am thinking of meeting with him, just by myself for a start. Test the waters. Although it's mind boggling that I may actually be seeing him.

[2sunny]

Yep while I was pregnant. But as I said I do wonder whether his behavior and fear were out of fear.

 

And the part about his wife is what I am also wondering about. I mean there are just so many questions going through my head at this point and I would like some answers. That is why I do WANT a meeting bit I am nervous about it maybe not being the best thing for me and my daughter.

 

No way! Do not meet him!

 

He is capable of harming you/ your child!

 

Tell your attorney not to give him any info about you - and IF he tries ever to contact you again = you will file for child support after immediately informing his wife.

 

And tell his co worker he/she IS meddling nd to buzz off forever!

[2sunny]

My loyalty definitely lies with my little girl. I mean, she's the most important person to me and I want to make the right decision for her life, not his. When I'm thinking about his life and the effect, I still think about t in terms of how it will effect the life of my daughter.

My intentions were never to lie to her. It was always to tell her the truth, of course age-appropriately. I don't want her to be ashamed of how she came about in my life and one way of doing that is for myself to not be ashamed of it. And him keeping her a secret is inflicting shame on her so I can't have that in any way.

 

I want her to meet her dad, I really do want it to work out for her and I want to take this opportunity. I can't let spitefulness affect this decision.

 

Thats why I am thinking of meeting with him, just by myself for a start. Test the waters. Although it's mind boggling that I may actually be seeing him.

 

He's not her Dad - he hasn't acted loving and supportive!

 

He donated sperm which created a child - a child he intended to harm.

 

Keep him away from her!!! Call his W and tell her your truth!

 

No reason your daughter should be a secret - but inform her she needs to know what lies her H has been living.

 

Then tell her to stay away.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

want her to meet her dad, I really do want it to work out for her and I want to take this opportunity. I can't let spitefulness affect this decision.

 

It isn't about spite. He honestly had nothing to say except, I want.... I'm too coward to do the right thing... I don't know...

 

Guess what, it doesn't take time, there will never be an easy time. I say if she meets him, it's after he's told his wife and they BOTH meet with you. She's an important player now and you really should meet her and see for yourself her attitude toward the situation and your daughter.

 

OR.., you can keep her life drama free and free from this screwed up man. If you were my daughter, I would beg you not to bring him into her life. I promise you, she's not missing anything!

[2sure]

She is too little to process that she is meeting her dad. So, There will be no benefit to her. I'm not sure why you would consider it based on this.

 

But if he meets her, without ever acknowledging to those he loves that she is his daughter...he will satisfy his curiosity and disappear. How would a mother like to explain that?

 

Or worse...he will see her when he feels like it. She will be an option, just like you were when you were OW.

 

Your lawyer said he seemed sincere?? About what?

 

Do not fall for this garbage. It's way way too costly.

[BetrayedH]

Hmm. Lots of passionate opinions here. What I have found with anything involving opinions about how to raise children is that everyone is damn glad that no one else is making decisions for their kid. My point being, I don't think you'll find a consensus of opinion.

 

Here's a short story from my life to give you my $.02

 

When I was little (until 5th grade), I had my mother's maiden name. It was my understanding at that time that I was born before my parents got married so I got her name. Then in 5th grade, I found out that the Dad I had always known was not my biological father but that he wanted to adopt me (which he did, and my last name changed). My mother explained that my bio father denied that I was his son (he was a local frat boy who impregnated my mother at 16) and that the Dad I had always known had stepped up to the plate. I grew up with a distaste for my bio father and never wanted to meet him. I later found out that he had gotten another woman pregnant twice (my half-brothers) and had never married her either. Thus, I never wanted to meet the man. I am 42 years old now and about 5 years ago my mother changed her story. She now says that he actually asked her to marry all those years ago but she declined because he didn't love her and was only doing it out of obligation. Boy did my opinion about that man change. He certainly made mistakes early on but had tried to do the honorable thing.

 

My mother kept the truth from me, painted a negative picture of the man, and at age 37 I found out that he might not have been such a bad guy after all. She tried to protect me and make decisions for me that have effectively robbed me of a potential relationship with my bio father essentially for my entire life. Not cool.

 

My thoughts on your situation:

(1). I certainly think you need to tread cautiously. His previous piss poor behavior merits pause.

(2). Nice job having the attorney meet first and get some basic questions answered.

(3). You get some blame for making this mess so let's not be all high and mighty about how great your judgment is. The fact of the matter is that he is her biological father and even if you want to discount his rights, you should not discount hers. If you refuse to let her know her father, what lie will you tell her to keep her away from him? My mother and biological father both screwed up and for 37 years, I lost a chance to know my bio father. I think you need to find a way to create a safe environment for her to have exposure and trust that with age, she will make her own judgments about the man.

(4). I agree with those that say that his betrayed wife must know first AND that the two of them have reached a point of stability before exposing yourself or your daughter to potential drama.

(5). I agree that you should meet with him and do your own gut check before he ever meets with your daughter. Again, I agree with those that say the wife must know before you meet with him and perhaps it is wise to meet with both of them (assuming they remain together). Perhaps it is also wise to have your atty present at these early meetings just to help ensure it is a safe environment for you.

 

The good news is that your daughter is only two years old. You have time to make these kinds of arrangements in a carefully measured fashion. Be smart and do it right. But don't wait until your daughter is 37 years old before she finds out that, low and behold, her violent, deadbeat father reached out for her when she was 2 years old (and was probably wishing he could meet her for years) and was denied. She may grow to resent for you it. Like it or not, he is half of who she is and half of the responsibility for that lands squarely on your shoulders (just like half of it landed on my Mom's shoulders).

 

Again, just my $.02 Your mileage may vary.

 

I truly wish you luck. I think this can be done and in the right way.

[whichwayisup]

My loyalty definitely lies with my little girl. I mean, she's the most important person to me and I want to make the right decision for her life, not his. When I'm thinking about his life and the effect, I still think about t in terms of how it will effect the life of my daughter.

My intentions were never to lie to her. It was always to tell her the truth, of course age-appropriately. I don't want her to be ashamed of how she came about in my life and one way of doing that is for myself to not be ashamed of it. And him keeping her a secret is inflicting shame on her so I can't have that in any way.

 

I want her to meet her dad, I really do want it to work out for her and I want to take this opportunity. I can't let spitefulness affect this decision.

 

Thats why I am thinking of meeting with him, just by myself for a start. Test the waters. Although it's mind boggling that I may actually be seeing him.

 

You better not be having thoughts of starting an A with him. DO NOT be friend him either. Co parents, that's IT.

 

Anyway, do know that when/if he does tell his wife and IF he does get involved in his daughters life, somewhere down the line, they could want shared custody, rightfully so - SO be careful with what doors you open here. Be prepared that his wife could very well be upset but accept things down the road and want to help raise your daughter. Would you be OK with that? Shared custody and her being step mom? Think hard before involving him.

 

Also, you still don't know if he got therapy for his anger issues and how he copes with stress these days. Do NOT forget his threats in the past. yes, same man, even if he seems 'sweet' right now.

[noelle303]

Hmm. Lots of passionate opinions here. What I have found with anything involving opinions about how to raise children is that everyone is damn glad that no one else is making decisions for their kid. My point being, I don't think you'll find a consensus of opinion.

 

Here's a short story from my life to give you my $.02

 

When I was little (until 5th grade), I had my mother's maiden name. It was my understanding at that time that I was born before my parents got married so I got her name. Then in 5th grade, I found out that the Dad I had always known was not my biological father but that he wanted to adopt me (which he did, and my last name changed). My mother explained that my bio father denied that I was his son (he was a local frat boy who impregnated my mother at 16) and that the Dad I had always known had stepped up to the plate. I grew up with a distaste for my bio father and never wanted to meet him. I later found out that he had gotten another woman pregnant twice (my half-brothers) and had never married her either. Thus, I never wanted to meet the man. I am 42 years old now and about 5 years ago my mother changed her story. She now says that he actually asked her to marry all those years ago but she declined because he didn't love her and was only doing it out of obligation. Boy did my opinion about that man change. He certainly made mistakes early on but had tried to do the honorable thing.

 

My mother kept the truth from me, painted a negative picture of the man, and at age 37 I found out that he might not have been such a bad guy after all. She tried to protect me and make decisions for me that have effectively robbed me of a potential relationship with my bio father essentially for my entire life. Not cool.

 

My thoughts on your situation:

(1). I certainly think you need to tread cautiously. His previous piss poor behavior merits pause.

(2). Nice job having the attorney meet first and get some basic questions answered.

(3). You get some blame for making this mess so let's not be all high and mighty about how great your judgment is. The fact of the matter is that he is her biological father and even if you want to discount his rights, you should not discount hers. If you refuse to let her know her father, what lie will you tell her to keep her away from him? My mother and biological father both screwed up and for 37 years, I lost a chance to know my bio father. I think you need to find a way to create a safe environment for her to have exposure and trust that with age, she will make her own judgments about the man.

(4). I agree with those that say that his betrayed wife must know first AND that the two of them have reached a point of stability before exposing yourself or your daughter to potential drama.

(5). I agree that you should meet with him and do your own gut check before he ever meets with your daughter. Again, I agree with those that say the wife must know before you meet with him and perhaps it is wise to meet with both of them (assuming they remain together). Perhaps it is also wise to have your atty present at these early meetings just to help ensure it is a safe environment for you.

 

The good news is that your daughter is only two years old. You have time to make these kinds of arrangements in a carefully measured fashion. Be smart and do it right. But don't wait until your daughter is 37 years old before she finds out that, low and behold, her violent, deadbeat father reached out for her when she was 2 years old (and was probably wishing he could meet her for years) and was denied. She may grow to resent for you it. Like it or not, he is half of who she is and half of the responsibility for that lands squarely on your shoulders (just like half of it landed on my Mom's shoulders).

 

Again, just my $.02 Your mileage may vary.

 

I truly wish you luck. I think this can be done and in the right way.

 

 

That is exactly what I am worried about. Just dismissing him without actually giving it a shot. What if he is sincere? What if this is my daughter's chance and I ruin it for her because I refused to listen.

 

I never want to lie to her or base our relationship on dishonesty.

 

Has he in the past shown to be a complete a-hole? Absolutely. I know it better than anyone. But if he truly regrets his actions and is willing to make it right, I need to know and my daughter needs to know. That is why I'm thinking of meeting him, not to start another affair.

[Pierre]

That is exactly what I am worried about. Just dismissing him without actually giving it a shot. What if he is sincere? What if this is my daughter's chance and I ruin it for her because I refused to listen.

 

I never want to lie to her or base our relationship on dishonesty.

 

Has he in the past shown to be a complete a-hole? Absolutely. I know it better than anyone. But if he truly regrets his actions and is willing to make it right, I need to know and my daughter needs to know. That is why I'm thinking of meeting him, not to start another affair.

 

He will always be an a**hole. Make no mistake about it. His so called sincerity means nothing. But, somehow women with low self esteem fall for these type of men over and over again.

 

If his name is not on the birth certificate he is not the legal dad. He is nothing but a sperm donor.

[noelle303]

He will always be an a**hole. Make no mistake about it. His so called sincerity means nothing. But, somehow women with low self esteem fall for these type of men over and over again.

 

If his name is not on the birth certificate he is not the legal dad. He is nothing but a sperm donor.

 

So you really think there is no way someone can perhaps...make a mistake? And realize it and own up to it? That never happened in the history of universe?

 

 

I don't have low self esteem and I'm not falling for him again. The two of us will never again be romantically involved in any way, shape or form and we both know it well. What we have right now is our mutual daughter. Maybe it is easy for you to just say ''he's a sperm donor'' but it's a little harder for me. The person I love and cherish most in this world is one half of him. He is her biological father, she only has one of those and I am sure she will also not be looking at it so clinically (just a sperm donor) one day.

[Pierre]

In fact, I think he is using the excuse of seeing the child to get you in the sac again.

[SoleMate]

She needs to be able to call whenever and wherever SHE desires. She CANNOT do so now. And I do not think we wish to explain to her WHY she cannot call her father.

Part of the reason is that she is only 2 and has not yet learned to dial a phone.

 

And the other part is that, as many have so ably stated, without the W's full knowledge and acceptance, and regularization of your D's status through open acknowledgment by her progenitor, contact is not emotionally safe.

 

I remember the sad story of Strom Thurmond's daughter. She was mixed-race (obviously due to her progenitor's actions and choices) so he never acknowledged her openly, though he did meet with her on maybe 2 occasions and partially pay for her education. She could only admit to being his daughter, once he died. What a *&^%$##% putdown that is.

 

My point is, right now your daughter lives in the sunlight and has no need to hide. Imagine her out at the zoo at age 5 with her non-acknowledging progenitor who is "trying to build a r/s with her" or whatever. And they run into the xMM-W's friend, and x-MM spins some ugly lie to cover why he is walking around the zoo with your daughter. That is a metaphor and example of why his whole approach is F-ed up. I understand he may authentically be feeling remorse about his actions and the situation now. He's not completely inhuman, in other words. But guess what? He does not get to reach for the solution that's lowest pain for him....those days are over. Now it's your D's turn to have her needs come first. You deserve a lot of consideration too.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

So you really think there is no way someone can perhaps...make a mistake? And realize it and own up to it? That never happened in the history of universe?

 

 

I don't have low self esteem and I'm not falling for him again. The two of us will never again be romantically involved in any way, shape or form and we both know it well. What we have right now is our mutual daughter. Maybe it is easy for you to just say ''he's a sperm donor'' but it's a little harder for me. The person I love and cherish most in this world is one half of him. He is her biological father, she only has one of those and I am sure she will also not be looking at it so clinically (just a sperm donor) one day.

 

People who make mistake on top of mistake don't change. That's hoe they handle life. All of his actions show that he only cares about 1 person, himself. That's selfishness, not a mistake. He risked his marriage and blowing up his children's lives to have an affair, he came to your lawyer with no plan, no decisiveness, just I want to see my child, regardless of how it affects others.

 

You're young Noelle, trust those of us that are older. I was curious what your parents advised you?

 

Do you really think this guy is ready to tell his wife? If you did a closed adoption tomorrow, would you be sitting at home worrying that your beloved toddler would not know the sperm donor?? No! You wouldn't.

 

You tell him quickly and simply that when he and his wife are ready to meet then you'll arrange it with your lawyer. Then, and only then will you know he's attempting to change and right his "mistake". Neither you nor your daughter deserves to be a secret.

[whichwayisup]

That is exactly what I am worried about. Just dismissing him without actually giving it a shot. What if he is sincere? What if this is my daughter's chance and I ruin it for her because I refused to listen.

I never want to lie to her or base our relationship on dishonesty.

 

Has he in the past shown to be a complete a-hole? Absolutely. I know it better than anyone. But if he truly regrets his actions and is willing to make it right, I need to know and my daughter needs to know. That is why I'm thinking of meeting him, not to start another affair.

 

Until he tells his wife the truth and proves he is worthy of being in your child's life, keep him away..Far away. don't put all this on yourself either. YOUR terms - He has to tell his wife first off, and he hasn't even done that.

 

Your kid is too young right now to know what's what.

[whichwayisup]

So you really think there is no way someone can perhaps...make a mistake? And realize it and own up to it? That never happened in the history of universe?

 

Again, this ALL falls onto him and why he hasn't told his wife the truth about the A and his daughter. Until he tells her, all this stuff doesn't matter.

 

DID he seek counseling for his anger issues? You never answered that. Actually, you may never know the truth if he has done therapy... Until you talk to his wife.

 

He screwed up and handled everything badly..So badly. Let his future actions show if he is ready, responsible, mature and can handle crisis in a healthy way and not in a bad/negative/threatening angry way like he did before. People do not change unless they truly want to.

[ComingInHot]

Noelle303;

Your first relationship with this man was started as a secret surrounded in lies.

Now you are considering starting Another relationship in secret, surrounded in lies.

 

Think Noelle303. Think long and hard about that.

[Leopagne]

In fact, I think he is using the excuse of seeing the child to get you in the sac again.

 

I agree with above. I really think it should be stressed here as a possibility.

 

I had a friend that had a child from a MM. That man’s wife was in the dark about the child, although maybe not the affair itself. My friend (the OW) ended contact but still acknowledged him as being the father of her daughter, which left a “sympathetic” hole in her ongoing judgment of him.

 

He found her again, on the pretense that he wanted contact with his kids. What he really wanted was contact with her. And he got it. What resulted from that was child number two.

 

Whatever you want to think about her judgment up until that point she did finally end things. She wised up and sought a proper support network from her family, but she still gave a sympathetic nod to this MM as being the father of her children. She allowed him access to the kids, again, because he claimed he needed to be in their lives. When he came around "for the kids", she stayed out of site, but he always wanted to see her. When he called on the phone to talk to the kids, he always needed to talk to her as well. Sometimes he would try to garnish sympathy with the kids themselves for not being able to see their mother, and he would even ask the children if their mother had been spending time with other men.

 

At this point his wife had left him for having an affair and a child with a THIRD woman. It was apparent to everybody that he had no real interest in the kids, that they were just the vehicle back in, and that his true motive was to continue where he left off in the affair with my friend.

 

I am not claiming your xMM is up to the same, or even of the same character. But please, keep these kinds of stories in the front of your head when dealing with your own situation. Any man with a selfish enough agenda can fake the sincerity your lawyer signed off on.

 

If he hasn't matured by taking responsibility for the affair, and if his local well has run dry, the fact you had a child together will be signal enough for him to think YOU are an option worth revisiting.

 

Please be cautious. Even if I am way off base, others have offered equally good wisdom in this thread.

 

PS: I've been a lurker on this forum for awhile but actually registered my account today so I could contribute to this thread.

Edited February 23, 2013 by Leopagne
Grammar and clarity

[noelle303]

Why doesn't his wife know yet Noelle? Did you read the thread where the male is lying to his wife and because of that his daughter can't even call him dad in public? Is this what you desire for your child?

 

I haven't read it entirely because it is like a gazillion pages long and I really don't have time to go through it. I mean, I got the gist and of course I don't want it to be that way. He is not my boyfriend, will never be my boyfriend and there are no romantic feelings complicating this for me. So there is really no reason for me to be willing to subject my daughter to being his secret.

I mean, I know why he didn't tell his wife, I don't need to be a genius to figure it out. He's a chicken.

But I do also want to see with him what his plans are regarding that and whether it is actually worth it to go through anything.

 

People who make mistake on top of mistake don't change. That's hoe they handle life. All of his actions show that he only cares about 1 person, himself. That's selfishness, not a mistake. He risked his marriage and blowing up his children's lives to have an affair, he came to your lawyer with no plan, no decisiveness, just I want to see my child, regardless of how it affects others.

 

You're young Noelle, trust those of us that are older. I was curious what your parents advised you?

 

Do you really think this guy is ready to tell his wife? If you did a closed adoption tomorrow, would you be sitting at home worrying that your beloved toddler would not know the sperm donor?? No! You wouldn't.

 

You tell him quickly and simply that when he and his wife are ready to meet then you'll arrange it with your lawyer. Then, and only then will you know he's attempting to change and right his "mistake". Neither you nor your daughter deserves to be a secret.

 

My parents don't know, I haven't told them. My dad would we livid if he so much as heard his name and I don't want to start drama when I'm still figuring it out.

 

The thing is, I didn't give up my daughter for adoption. I'm her mother, I'm the one parenting and I'm the one raising her and being around her every day so i really can't compare this situation. My daughter is growing up without a father - that was my choice when I decided to take on this responsibility and it's fine, she is a happy, thriving little girl and we have a great life together. But will she one day have questions? Definitely. And I am prepared for that. I just do not want to regret not trying enough for her.

 

 

DID he seek counseling for his anger issues? You never answered that. Actually, you may never know the truth if he has done therapy... Until you talk to his wife.

 

He screwed up and handled everything badly..So badly. Let his future actions show if he is ready, responsible, mature and can handle crisis in a healthy way and not in a bad/negative/threatening angry way like he did before. People do not change unless they truly want to.

 

I haven't answered because I don't know. See, there are many questions left blank and I want to know how he feels right now about his behavior.

 

I agree with above. I really think it should be stressed here as a possibility.

 

I had a friend that had a child from a MM. That man’s wife was in the dark about the child, although maybe not the affair itself. My friend (the OW) ended contact but still acknowledged him as being the father of her daughter, which left a “sympathetic” hole in her ongoing judgment of him.

 

He found her again, on the pretense that he wanted contact with his kids. What he really wanted was contact with her. And he got it. What resulted from that was child number two.

 

Whatever you want to think about her judgment up until that point she did finally end things. She wised up and sought a proper support network from her family, but she still gave a sympathetic nod to this MM as being the father of her children. She allowed him access to the kids, again, because he claimed he needed to be in their lives. When he came around "for the kids", she stayed out of site, but he always wanted to see her. When he called on the phone to talk to the kids, he always needed to talk to her as well. Sometimes he would try to garnish sympathy with the kids themselves for not being able to see their mother, and he would even ask the children if their mother had been spending time with other men.

 

At this point his wife had left him for having an affair and a child with a THIRD woman. It was apparent to everybody that he had no real interest in the kids, that they were just the vehicle back in, and that his true motive was to continue where he left off in the affair with my friend.

 

I am not claiming your xMM is up to the same, or even of the same character. But please, keep these kinds of stories in the front of your head when dealing with your own situation. Any man with a selfish enough agenda can fake the sincerity your lawyer signed off on.

 

If he hasn't matured by taking responsibility for the affair, and if his local well has run dry, the fact you had a child together will be signal enough for him to think YOU are an option worth revisiting.

 

Please be cautious. Even if I am way off base, others have offered equally good wisdom in this thread.

 

PS: I've been a lurker on this forum for awhile but actually registered my account today so I could contribute to this thread.

 

 

I mean. I don't know what his true motives are. And I will never really know unless I see it out for myself.

You could be right and it does sound plausible but I just feel like I'm stumbling in the dark, guessing, assuming. It's just not good enough for me because I usually have control of my life ( certain past misjudgments excluded).

 

As I said, it could be the case, though I do believe he could just find somebody else in the town he lives now, but who the hell knows what is going on there in his head.

 

I hope people do understand that it is not easy to dismiss him as just a sperm donor. Because I did decide to meet up with him, I'm just not sure when or how to even take that step.