exMM wants to meet our daughter

[noelle303]

Hello everyone, it has been a long time since I posted here, so let me give everyone a little backstory.

3 years ago I had an affair with a married man and got accidentally pregnant. It did not sit well with him to put it lightly and he was especially angered by my decision to continue the pregnancy. At that time he started displaying some abusive tendencies (I don't know whether this was only because of the circumstances and because he was afraid and panicking since he has NEVER shown himself to be anything close to abusive before the whole situation). Anyway, he of course wanted me to get an abortion, manipulated me, harassed me, said hurtful and horrible things and even grabbed me once or twice. After careful consideration I decided that the best thing would be to cut him out of my life and I told him that I will not ask anything of him, he's free to walk out as long as he stops contacting me and leaves me alone.

 

Basically, we haven't directly spoken since. He did text me twice in the following few months and he also tried to ''fish'' for information through one of his co-workers (his company was a client of the company I used to work for). This co-worker also told me that MM and his family (wife and two sons) moved away to another city.

 

Now, my daughter is a beautiful two-year-old who is my world. The two of us are doing really well on our own and if I may say so I am very proud and content with how I've coped and how well this turned out.

 

But I am back to this forum because a week ago this co-worker of his (he is the only person who knows about our affair on his side) once again tried contacting me. The company I worked for at that time told him where I work now and he e-mailed me to my business e-mail whether we could meet up and talk. I initially refused because I did not want to visit the past again BUT after a few e-mail exchanges I did agree to go for coffee.

 

Long story short, he told me that exMM is thinking about me and our child (he does not know I had a girl or her name or anything for that matter) and that since he (the co-worker) does not want to meddle he gave me exMM's phone number. I did not call. I was still thinking it through because it is a big decision and a big step to take. However, two days ago exMM contacted my lawyer (I have to mention that exMM has no idea where I live because I moved while I was pregnant after we cut contact, I changed my number and I changed my job but he did still have my lawyer's contact from 3 years ago when I threatened him with it - the same lawyer is also a family friend, a good friend and colleague of my dad). He asked my lawyer if there is any way he can get my information and if there is any possible way to arrange a meeting for us.

 

I actually have no idea what to do. I want my daughter to meet her father and if he had a change of heart I think that is great. But I am nervous because I do not want to get dragged on a roller coaster again. I also know nothing about his situation with his family and wife and what not and I don't know if he will be sticking around or going back and forth because I can't put my daughter through that.

 

But then again, isn't at least one meet up with him better for her than none whatsoever. At least that way she will actually meet her father.

But I also don't want her to get hurt.

 

I am thinking about meeting up with him just me, without her to see his intentions, do you guys think it's a good idea?

 

I am very conflicted so any insight would greatly help.

[whichwayisup]

The guy put you through hell. Not a peep now and all of a sudden he wants to meet your daughter? DO NOT let him right away. You go meet him with your lawyer, do not go alone and don't bring the baby. He has to prove he's worthy of this and right now he isn't! The guy has issues, he has anger problems and didn't he threatened to harm you and the baby in the past?

 

Does his wife know? If not, then there's another reason why to be concerned about this. He might be a visit my kid twice a year, sneak off when his wife isn't aware of the truth. Not good.

[scatterd]

I remember you and what you went through. I think

you need more information about him and his intentions

before you meet up with him. Just as whichwaysup said

does his wife know? If she does not know he will give

you an invitation to allot of drama.Why did it take him

so long I hope he is not fishing.

[noelle303]

The guy put you through hell. Not a peep now and all of a sudden he wants to meet your daughter? DO NOT let him right away. You go meet him with your lawyer, do not go alone and don't bring the baby. He has to prove he's worthy of this and right now he isn't! The guy has issues, he has anger problems and didn't he threatened to harm you and the baby in the past?

 

Does his wife know? If not, then there's another reason why to be concerned about this. He might be a visit my kid twice a year, sneak off when his wife isn't aware of the truth. Not good.

 

Yep while I was pregnant. But as I said I do wonder whether his behavior and fear were out of fear.

 

And the part about his wife is what I am also wondering about. I mean there are just so many questions going through my head at this point and I would like some answers. That is why I do WANT a meeting bit I am nervous about it maybe not being the best thing for me and my daughter.

[spice4life]

If I were you I would tell your Attorney to find out every detail about why he wants to meet, including finding out if his wife knows. And then I would make it clear, through your Attorney, that you will only meet if everything is above board and his wife knows. I would even request that his wife be at the meeting and there is no way in h*llI you should meet them without your Attorney present. Seriously, this is the only way you can protect yourself from future drama and crazy making behavior. Don't set yourself up for problems. Make sure you demand that these conditons be met before you meet or no dice. Do not let your Attorney give out your address or contact info to this guy.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Honey, this fellow is not a great guy. He lies, cheats, and his threat to you and your unborn child (even under stress) was sick. All of those things show you who he is. Is that someone you want your daughter to call dad? She has a wonderful family that loves her and one day will have someone to call dad. We know how this guy treats the people he "loves".

 

I know you must be curious to know why he's contacting you now. I doubt it's simply that he had this change of heart. More likely his circumstances have changed.

 

IMHO, you don't need him, and you surely don't want to be needed by him. I hope you'll walk away from this and never look back.

[MissBee]

 

But then again, isn't at least one meet up with him better for her than none whatsoever. At least that way she will actually meet her father.

But I also don't want her to get hurt.

I am thinking about meeting up with him just me, without her to see his intentions, do you guys think it's a good idea?

 

I am very conflicted so any insight would greatly help.

 

No, one meet up is not necessarily better than none whatsoever IMO. She is 2 years old. She won't remember it or care much about it anyway. This man will mean nothing to her. If he has not sorted out his situation with his wife and if he is trying to be a secret dad, I'm sure it will hurt her more than if she never knew him at all.

 

It's a hard situation all around. No way around that. I think it is a good idea for you to meet with him without her and figure out what he really wants. If it's a one time meet up with her for curiosity's sake then he goes back to his life, never to return again or if he actually wants to be an active part of her life. Knowing this may help you to then make some decisions later on.

[anna121]

At this stage, I would have your lawyer respond "no" and state that any correspondence must go through him.

 

People are more careful when they communicate with lawyers.

 

Force him to state his case, plainly, and then seek legal and other advice as to how to respond.

 

I assume he is not on the birth certificate?

 

ETA: you need to put emotion aside as much as possible, and as difficult as it is for you. be very, very careful and circumspect.

[jwi71]

 

I am very conflicted so any insight would greatly help.

 

I remember you and your story.

 

1) Your xMM will FOREVER be in your life. This day IS coming - you CANNOT stop it. You WILL have to deal with it. May as well be now.

2) Your daughter deserves to know her true father and despite some of his words then - he hasn't DONE anything to suggest he should NOT have access to his daughter. Its also likely you cannot prevent him form gaining access to her. Your father and your lawyer will be good sources of legal advice here.

3) Do you believe your daughter should have a relationship with her true father?

4) Seek therapy before the meet and reveal

5) Go slow

 

You need to gather your father, your lawyer, clergy and therapist for the next bit:

 

His W. She can have incredible affects on this - good or bad. Because of that - I think its important that you ascertain what the W knows and is on board with. And this issue will be divisive, messy, confusing and fraught with peril. If the W knows and is ok - the list of possible actions increases - and in ways that largely benefit your daughter - such as weekends at her dad's home, and Christmas and so on. If she doesn't know that you are the OW and this is her H's daughter - well, it won't be pretty. You do NOT (imo) want to expose your D to that (your xMM and his BS marital strife). What if the father wants access but doesn't want his W to know? What do you think of that? In that case, I WOULD allow access - I see them as two separate but certainly intertwined issues.

 

Whatever you decide. Think. It. Through.

Daughter's well being comes first - above your own. Above his W's.

Do not confuse legalities and legal rights with ethics and morality.

Think long term. If it seems easy now its likely harder tomorrow. The reverse is also true.

 

And...address this now. Waiting accomplishes nothing.

[waterwoman]

Good god! Tell him NO!

 

A 2yr old won't remember much if this is the one and only meeting, but do you want to let him back into YOUR life? And IMO no father is better than a fair-weather father who won't publicly acknowledge her or have regular reliable contact.

 

If you do go ahead (I wouldn't) I agree with getting the lawyer on board and setting conditions beforehand,

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Am I the only one that thinks that if he's back looking for contact that his wife is most likely not in the picture? Probably caught him in another A? Are we to believe this guy grew a pair overnight? I don't buy it?

 

Noelle, if he comes into your DDs life and claims paternity, he will owe back child support, am I right? He's willing to do that for a child he wanted dead?

[anna121]

She is too young to benefit from one meeting with him. So put that out of your mind.

 

The benefit would come from continued contact with someone who has proven worthy of being involved in her life.

 

If it were me, I would want far more evidence of that than he has shown to date.

[woinlove]

I remember your story too, Noelle. Congratulations on getting to a happy place for you and your daughter.

 

Wow, my heart goes out to you, being contacted by this man who tried to force you to get an abortion and who didn't want anything to do with his daughter. Still, he is her biological father, even if he has not been a father in any other sense of the word, and I think you need more information to decide how to proceed.

 

If he is still married and wants to keep this all a secret from his wife and family, I wouldn't go along with that. I just don't see how that would play out well for your daughter when she is old enough to start asking questions, when and how she would learn she has half-siblings, etc. You have done such a great job on your own and no child deserves a "parent" who insists she be kept a secret from his family. I hope he has better intentions toward your daughter than that, so you won't have to deal with that aspect.

 

I hope this works out positively for you and your daughter and at the very least, doesn't deter in any way from the positive environment you have created for your daughter. First, you need to get more information. I do think getting more information is the right step, because this man may be ready to step up and play a constructive role in your daughter's life. In that case, working out the logistics would be in your daughter's best interests. But given his past behavior, you should proceed with a lot of caution and get all the information you need, and then consider the options.

Edited February 18, 2013 by woinlove

[ComingInHot]

jwi quote, " What if the father wants access but doesn't want his W to know? What do you think of that? In that case, I WOULD allow access - I see them as two separate but certainly intertwined issues."

 

I am not sure I agree w/the above portion of the response...

 

If the exMM is still married to his W and he doesn't share w/her the A or the chid conceived, born from said A, THEN finds out her cheating H is going behind/in secret to see a daughter conceived from betrayal, it could be a VERY bad situation for you & your daughter.

 

I DO agree that all contact for now needs to be through attorney/s. You have a right in protecting your daughter from emotional distress, to Know for Certain the entire story.

-Why does he want to "talk"

-Why does he (now) want to meet your daughter

-what is the situation w/his M

-If still M, does his W know

-If still M, WHO all knows (W, sons, grandparents etc)

-Is the father planning on a family reunion w/his whole family & your daughter

-Is he & his W planning on being or wanting to be a "big" part of your daughter's life

-Are you "okay" w/previous question

 

All of these & more I haven't mentioned can be addressed through your attorney.

 

All my best to you & your daughter*

CIH.

[SunshineToday]

I'm way over believing the "blood relation is sooo important" thing at this point in my life.

 

If a man wanted me to have an abortion.

Was married to someone else when I got pregnant.

Didn't tell his wife.

Isn't paying child support.

Has been out of my (now happy life) for 2 years.

 

I would NEVER even entertain the thought of meeting with him or letting him see my precious child. I would not want him anywhere near my life.

[whichwayisup]

Honestly, I wouldn't trust him. His past threats, you have no idea what he is capable of now. Worst case senario ... Not gonna go there but don't put your beautiful daughter at risk.

 

jwi quote, " What if the father wants access but doesn't want his W to know? What do you think of that? In that case, I WOULD allow access - I see them as two separate but certainly intertwined issues."

I wouldn't allow him access at all unless his wife knew. Doing that is just asking for trouble and a possible crime of passion... Not a good idea.

[fllygirl]

He is desperately trying to reach you out. I'm sure he has something to say. If he had something 'evil' in his mind he wouldn't be going through your lawyer. Its like calling police before robbing bank. At this point your daughter's interest comes first, not yours, not his and not his wife. Some people just can't get over their personal issues and understand just because their partners/lovers/spouses were bad to them it does not mean that same people will be bad parents. Create a list of questions and contact him through your lawyer and let him handle the initial contacts till you get a clear picture whats in his mind and what to do next. If he offers child support, take it, its not your money, it belongs to your daughter, she has a right to her support and it has nothing to do with your ego. You can always put this money a side for her college. Good luck and congrats on your beautiful daughter !

[18Years2Late]

My 1st response is "H€LL NO"...I think it SUCKS huge ones that this POS decided to contact u after so long in a round about back door fashion with the excuse of "being a good dad"...where was his goodness for the last 2 years?!?!?...

 

That said I think unfortunately he does have "legal" rights to his child IF proven to be his child...BUT...I would make him "pay" for those rights...I.e. DNA test, a lawyer, the works...then we shall see just where his "good" intentions lie...and if ur daughter is his REAL motivation...u just never know...I woe definite not jump to his requests on a whim AND definitely involve ur attorney ASAP...things could go bad either way of the wife knowing or not knowing...just protect yourself and ur daughter for now until the courts decide I'd u have to "share"...in which case ur daughter would then b on his payroll...I doubt he wants that if u are not demanding it so I'm not sure what his motivations are...a$$hat...pop in 2 years later...H€LL NO...

[anna121]

To add to Lady Grey's point, his first contact was NOT through her lawyer, but through the mutual co-worker.

 

Absolutely no assumptions of good faith are warranted here.

[fllygirl]

There is so much wrong with the above...... You assume that he has good intentions, given the past history, that could be a wrong and deadly assumption.

 

This your personal opinion and its fine. But there is nothing to guess and assume here. She got a good advice from people to use her lawyer for the initial contacts. That's why I said get her lawyer to clarify the details and only then she will know what to do. Nothing everything is cookie-cutter, even if something comes from the past. Till she gets her answer no one knows.

[anna121]

It's possible they could claim that, but balance of factors would greatly favor the child remaining with the birth mother with whom she has bonded and who has been the sole caregiver.

 

No need to to borrow trouble.

 

But, the sheer uncertainty of the situation is why you should not see him, or give him access to your life, in any way right now.

[ThatJustHappened]

I agree with the above posters who say that you and the father should only communicate through your lawyers. I also think that his visits with your daughter should be supervised by a third party child services representative, and I would stipulate that he be examined by a mental health care professional of your choosing before having any contact with your child.

 

He sounds like he was unstable in the past, but there's a chance that he actually has grown up a little bit over the past few years and wants to connect with his daughter. I grew up without a father and I'm always all for trying to allow both parents to be a part of a kid's life as long as it's not emotionally or physically dangerous to the kid.

 

You, however, should stay away from him. No need for the two of you to have any contact.

[EmeraldCityGirl]

This sounds AWFULLY familiar.

 

Sudden curiousity about a child MM has never met, and had no interest in being a father to, means one thing in my experience. He wants contact with YOU. The child is just a means to an end. I have firsthand experience in this area, and xMM later admitted that his sudden interest had nothing to do with the child. It was all about finding a pretext to reestablish contact.

 

Tread carefully.

[SidLyon]

I remember you Noelle and well done on your life and child.

 

Since you last were here I have qualified as a lawyer but I don't practice in the family law area. Nor am I in the USA.

 

Here's just some random thoughts in no particular order or relevance.

 

 

1. He cannot force you to meet privately with him.

 

2. You can force him to pay child support or maintenance.

 

2. He can most likely force child access for himself. Some courts might order some sort of mediation prior to an access decision, in which case you might have to meet with him under the jurisdiction of the court. He would be highly unlikely to get any sort of primary or sole custody. Talk to your lawyer about these things. If he's showing some interest in meeting his daughter then he's most likely thinking about access and maintenance so there's little you can do about it. But you do not have to meet with him.

 

4. If you do decide to to meet privately with him then make sure you do so with a support person there for you. Either your lawyer or your parents - I remember your father is a lawyer so even though he may not specialize in family law he would be good. Don't take you daughter to a first meeting. You could make it a condition of meeting with him that you get some preliminary answers to your questions. To me the most relevant thing is whether your daughter's half-siblings and their mother know of the existences of your daughter. It would most likely be very difficult for her to grow up knowing her father was keeping her a secret, or not knowing of the existence of her siblings.

 

5. If he does want access to his child then it's probably in her best interests that you don't fight it, without good reason to fight it. Get your lawyer involved and take his advice. If MM is still keeping her existence secret from his family then try to get the court on-side that this is detrimental to your daughter (that's if it goes to court). He can't enforce access without court so don't just give up or settle on any access without the issue of disclosure of her existence, being resolved to your satisfaction. If the wife and kids do know of your daughter's existence then consider coming to a private arrangement about access, but definitely take you lawyer's advice on this.

 

A member of my family (L) was brought up as the only child of his parents. After the death of both his parents, L discovered that in fact his parents were never married, his mother was the OW and his father had 4 other children by his legitimate wife. L's father had floated between the 2 women/families throughout L's childhood and L had not realized. He was led to believe his father traveled a lot. L was in his mid 60s when he found this out and it had a profoundly detrimental affect on him as he felt that much of his childhood was a sham and felt betrayed by his parents. This was 15 years ago and L has still not gotten over this.

 

L is my father-in-law by the way. L's father led a complete double life as did L himself when he cheated on my MIL and then L's son (my fWH) did something similar to me and our kids. I cannot hep but think that this sort of thing can run in families and I fear for my own sons, that one day I'll be consoling distraught daughters-in-law myself. I really do hate this aspect of infidelity.

[noelle303]

Hit him up for one reason and one reason ONLY...

 

CHILD SUPPORT!

 

And keep it moving.

 

 

Or if u want to be evil, contact his wife or ex wife asking her why he is now contacting you about his love child she had no idea about. Muahahaha.

 

Neither me or my daughter do not need his money. And why would I want to be evil?

 

My 1st response is "H€LL NO"...I think it SUCKS huge ones that this POS decided to contact u after so long in a round about back door fashion with the excuse of "being a good dad"...where was his goodness for the last 2 years?!?!?...

 

That said I think unfortunately he does have "legal" rights to his child IF proven to be his child...BUT...I would make him "pay" for those rights...I.e. DNA test, a lawyer, the works...then we shall see just where his "good" intentions lie...and if ur daughter is his REAL motivation...u just never know...I woe definite not jump to his requests on a whim AND definitely involve ur attorney ASAP...things could go bad either way of the wife knowing or not knowing...just protect yourself and ur daughter for now until the courts decide I'd u have to "share"...in which case ur daughter would then b on his payroll...I doubt he wants that if u are not demanding it so I'm not sure what his motivations are...a$$hat...pop in 2 years later...H€LL NO...

 

 

The thing is....yes, naturally I do have THOSE feelings - what the hell is he doing now after everything he's put me through while I was pregnant and nothing but silence for the past two years while I've been on my own doing it on my own?

But then I start thinking that it is spite coming out of me and pride and anger at how he treated me and those are normal feelings but I can't let them affect this decision because it is too important for my daughter. Her life comes before my personal feelings and if I have to swallow my pride for her that so be it.

It's not something I do often, but he is her biological father and that is not something that I can brush off.

 

I see another possible scenario that I'd be very concerned about.

 

What if the MM and his wife have reconciled, such that she knows about his infidelity and about his child. What if they BOTH want 2 sue for sole custody of your daughter?

 

I don't know if you're married, but it sounds like you're not. What if the courts decide that it's in the child's best interest 2 be with her father and his wife?

 

Weirder things are in the news all the time.

 

-ol' 2long

 

 

I'm not actually worried about that. There is no legitimate reason to give them full custody. His history does not work in his favor and the fact that they are married is not a good enough reason for any judge.

I am her primary caregiver, physically, financially, and I always have been.

 

 

I'm thinking about calling my lawyer tomorrow maybe and see if he can talk to him, get him to answer some questions. I'm incredibly nervous about all this and where it is going and I don't even know where I want it to go.