How could I just dismiss this?

[Journee]

I really just need some advice about how or if ,I should bring a certain topic up with my

WS

 

I honestly didn't even make a connection until I came here and noticed another posters concerns about the same subject.

 

A little background:

 

About six years ago my H asked me to read a quiz about social disorders. He asked me if I thought maybe he was a sociopath (barring the more extreme symptoms). He presented it in a light hearted way and while some things popped out on the quiz , others were a definite no. I didn't think much of it at the time. Impossible, right?

 

Fast forward to about three years ago. H is working at a large medical facility and works closely with mental health professionals. He came home and told me he learned about Aspergers and felt he could identify with a lot of traits mentioned at work. Again, I didn't think much of it as I honestly had not even heard about it. He described some traits and we agreed it was coincidental.

 

Now, this past summer while I'm pregnant he brings it up again during a disagreement we were having. That he feels he may have Asperger's. I again brush it off. After his affair and coming here I finally did the research. I am convinced now that he is trying to reach out to me and has been introspective this entire time and I ignored it. Reading articles and checking off traits on spectrum quotient tests ,I feel relieved. Not that I'm a professional. Not even that I'm certain....but my goodness it would explain so much. Not the affair but SO much through the years. His behavior in stressful situations. His derailment with his career and education. His anxiety when I left. His outbursts. His strange (to me) reactions to major life events. His "hobbies". Wow. What if this had a face and we could tackle it. ? What if I could finally understand my husband?

 

What do you all think? Should this be something we need to pursue? How should I bring this up to him without making him feel like I'm judging or" diagnosing" him?

 

Maybe we can get through this if we understand one another better. Maybe this is just me hoping it is that simple.

 

Thoughts?

 

Opinions?

 

Experience?

 

Thank you

Edited February 18, 2013 by Journee

[TigerCub]

I really just need some advice about how or if ,I should bring a certain topic up with my

WS

 

I honestly didn't even make a connection until I came here and noticed another posters concerns about the same subject.

 

A little background:

 

About six years ago my H asked me to read a quiz about social disorders. He asked me if I thought maybe he was a sociopath (barring the more extreme symptoms). He presented it in a light hearted way and while some things popped out on the quiz , others were a definite no. I didn't think much of it at the time. Impossible, right?

 

Fast forward to about three years ago. H is working at a large medical facility and works closely with mental health professionals. He came home and told me he learned about Aspergers and felt he could identify with a lot of traits mentioned at work. Again, I didn't think much of it as I honestly had not even heard about it. He described some traits and we agreed it was coincidental.

 

Now, this past summer while I'm pregnant he brings it up again during a disagreement we were having. That he feels he may have Asperger's. I again brush it off. After his affair and coming here I finally did the research. I am convinced now that he is trying to reach out to me and has been introspective this entire time and I ignored it. Reading articles and checking off traits on spectrum quotient tests ,I feel relieved. Not that I'm a professional. Not even that I'm certain....but my goodness it would explain so much. Not the affair but SO much through the years. His behavior in stressful situations. His derailment with his career and education. His anxiety when I left. His outbursts. His strange (to me) reactions to major life events. His "hobbies". Wow. What if this had a face and we could tackle it. ? What if I could finally understand my husband?

 

What do you all think? Should this be something we need to pursue? How should I bring this up to him without making him feel like I'm judging or" diagnosing" him?

 

Maybe we can get through this if we understand one another better. Maybe this is just me hoping it is that simple.

 

Thoughts?

 

Opinions?

 

Experience?

 

Thank you

 

I think you should open the discussion and tell him what you said (in bold).

Then follow that with how now that you have this realization, you want to help and support him. Suggest that he see a specialist and go from there.

[waterwoman]

Hey! If you find some answers journee please share them. I am fairly convinced my H is on the spectrum. Hell, even he reckons he might be. But he works with children with a much more extreme version of this disorder all day so he doesn't see his behaviours as problematic in comparison. So I have no idea where to go with this information.

 

Actually I think some IC would be the best thing H could do - but I am not hopeful of that happening either.

 

 

Good luck x

[Spark1111]

he should see a specialist, and an IC in tandem and they should work closely together.

 

There is a high proportion of the disordered amongst those who choose to cheat.

 

Low self-esteem narcissism and untreated bi-polar are two of the most prevalent among cheaters.

 

If, he is serious, than he needs to seek a very qualified psychologist to assess him, take a family history, etc.

 

And an ACCURATE diagnosis takes time, so he has to be patient and persevere.

 

Don't you do this for him. He has to want to explore and fix. Many find it too frustrating to continue the course and quit early.

[NotCamelot]

I think....... if it has gotten to the point that you both think it's possible, then he should see a professional to find out for sure.

 

Medical issues are always: Better safe than sorry. IMHO.

[Journee]

Thank you all.

 

We are going to run some errends and go shopping today. I will try to bring it up this afternoon. I hope he is receptive and will want to go forward with some evaluation.

 

Like Spark said, I can't do it for him. I'm a fixer but I can't " fix " this.

[Journee]

I love your rants Frozen

 

 

...and thank you for taking the time to help me. I am interested in gaining knowledge about this to better understand.

 

I wish I had taken the time to realize that he was concerned enough to research and inquire about this. I didn't/don't know a whole lot about it, just what he has asked me to read and what I have looked up myself. We talked some about it this evening but I noticed a shift in his mood and did not know how to proceed. I just want him to know that I'm not ignoring what he has brought to me. It's important enough for him to be looking into it then I need to support that.

 

 

I'm not sure how he feels about seeing anyone but I will ask him. I hope he will be open to that at some point.

 

I appreciate any advice. This is my life and I don't want to leave any stone unturned. Despite the crap end to 2012 ,I love that blasted man.

 

Thank you all again.

[veryhappy]

What was the shift in his mood when you brought up the topic? He's probably scared of what it means.

 

You need him to be interested in exploring the issue, which he seems to be, and a therapist specialized in working with Asperger's. You can do without a formal diagnostic because if you read enough on it, you'll know if it applies to him or not. As you said, events are starting to make sense in hindsight.

[Journee]

Hey! If you find some answers journee please share them. I am fairly convinced my H is on the spectrum. Hell, even he reckons he might be. But he works with children with a much more extreme version of this disorder all day so he doesn't see his behaviours as problematic in comparison. So I have no idea where to go with this information.

 

Actually I think some IC would be the best thing H could do - but I am not hopeful of that happening either.

 

 

Good luck x

 

 

WW, you are my inspiration for this thread. After seeing your posts and different aspects you describe ,I just had to dive in more. I can't believe I didn't pick up on his seriousness about this. He isn't the type to just speak to hear his own voice. So I should have supported him from the start.

 

I will share any and everything I find useful. It may be slow going but I hope that we both find answers. My H has stood by me in my battle with depression for all of these years. I will do what I can to reciprocate.

 

Good luck to you aswell WW. Connecting the dots on some things would be wonderful for both of our families.

[Journee]

What was the shift in his mood when you brought up the topic? He's probably scared of what it means.

 

You need him to be interested in exploring the issue, which he seems to be, and a therapist specialized in working with Asperger's. You can do without a formal diagnostic because if you read enough on it, you'll know if it applies to him or not. As you said, events are starting to make sense in hindsight.

 

 

I could sense he was feeling uncomfortable ,embarrassed. My intention was not to make him feel ashamed. He has been patient in my own pains and trials ,I would never judge.

 

I'm hoping I can get him to go talk to someone. I know it would be very difficult for him. I don't want to push him. I am grateful for his self awareness. Both of us withdrawing from one another has really put a hurting on our M in the past. I just can't help but wonder how much of that could be due to my own depression and some of his own coping nuances.

 

Thank you for your post.

[Journee]

If you both feel he has some issues, then seeing a psychologist can really make a world of difference for him...but, like I said, if you can find one who has experience in working with adults with aspergers , that would be ideal.

I've been lucky enough to have found one in my own area who's very experinced in working both with children and adults. His website has a lot of useful links, and he may know of someone in your own area who can help you. If you would like a link to his website, let me know via a message and I will send you the information.

 

 

 

I am very interested.

 

Thank you again.

[veryhappy]

Frozen, I'm not talking about self diagnosis. I'm talking about diagnosing a partner, which can be pretty accurate. Most adult men are not open to going and talking to a therapist for a diagnosis. For adults it isn't even that critical as it is for kids. In that case, what happens is that the woman starts to read and read and at some point the answer becomes pretty obvious.

 

OP, his reaction is normal. He's afraid you'll see him as some mental case. People with AS try wo hard to seem normal, knowing that they are different. Stress that he's not sick, just different and he is the same person regardless.

 

I hope I don't forget to add a link to a book later. It has a fairly quick test that can help you out.

 

Edit:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Essential-Difference-Female-Brains/dp/046500556X/ref=wl_it_dp_o_pC_nS_nC?ie=UTF8&colid=2MTHVCVA6LKFG&coliid=IGUDTA1X3G362

Edited February 19, 2013 by cutedragon

[Spark1111]

people with as could not have an affair as they would be incapable of hiding it. it is an excuse for their behaviour' date=' get real. No doubt all BS on here were all relieved that finally there could be an excuse that didn't involve them.[/quote']

 

As are OW who consistently blame the wife for not letting him run freely to his OW, which apparently he is not doing.

 

J'adore, you are very angry. This thread is about Autism Spectrum Disorders as a possibility in a spouse who has some concerns and expressed them to his spouse.

 

Low self-esteem narcissists are the largest group of disordered personalities who commit infidelity, followed by untreated bi-polar.

 

I Hope you find peace.

[Journee]

people with as could not have an affair as they would be incapable of hiding it. it is an excuse for their behaviour' date=' get real. No doubt all BS on here were all relieved that finally there could be an excuse that didn't involve them.[/quote']

 

 

 

J'adore,

 

I have never engaged with you and after this thread I never will again.

 

I NEVER once used his concern as an excuse. If you read my OP you would see that it was brought up years before this incident. More than once. If you can't address my topic of discussion and have a little compassion then feel free not to read. I have never been rude to an OW how dare you treat my concern and my life with such a flippant attitude.

 

Don't let the door hit you on your way out...