Coping Vortex Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 It's been coming up to 4 months now I am still hurting as bad as I was 2 months ago. Its so surreal to still accept that she is gone for good. I see her like it was 4 months ago. On the other hand I can't remember how she smelled, or the look in her eyes when she looks up at me. or how she feels with my arms around her. It's so sad. I am finding that I have been finally growing numb as to not being able to talk to her or text her. That has been one of the worst habits to let go of. We both knew what each others was doing every minute of every day for years. We loved it. We were so codependent on each other but we were in codependency bliss. She is with someone else now has been since two weeks after the BU. Its just so much time. Time that is binding them together even more. So weird to think in her mind she is in current lockstep with the new guy and my mind is frozen in time before we BU. The screwed up thing is i had been able to spend equal time with her we would be together. she even confirmed that the last time we broke NC. But she consciously wants to make it work with him so I don't have the chance to spend time with her to make it work with us. She confirmed the last time we talked she still loved me and if she was to see me she would feel all the same feelings of our love bond. As many of you know my story she didn't not fall out of love with me at all quite the opposite but it was our circumstances that caused her to BU the relationship. All had to do with timing. I am still very sad. Us dumpee's get the rawest deal. Our ex's are happy and we inversely tortured. Like an animal locked in cage we can do nothing but finally realize we can't escape and accept our fate. we all feel so vulnerable and helpless. To make matters worse we look pathetic to our ex's. Combine that with lack of eating , lack of REM sleep, roller coaster feelings in our stomachs, the constant reminder of them when watching a movie or hearing a love song. i still can't accept she is really gone. We were so in love so tight, we really and truly changed each others world. I got her through her divorce. She was there for me time and time again too. She got a tattoo that said courage on her ankle that was for me. I guess that has no meaning now to her. I will be tortured by her for years I know it. Of all the relationships I have been through the years I had a few that took years to get over, This one will be the worst ever. I never loved anyone more. I know she loved more than anyone else as well she confirmed that as well. She doesn't even click with this new guy. But time has moved in and she is in a routine with him so she is used to him. She will adjust her thinking to accept loving in him. As the memory of how intense our love bond was is fading for her over time she will accept the lack of passion in her new relationship as that is all she has right now. Too bad if she gave me the one chance to get her back I know she would feel again. she knows it too. But I think she feels she owes it to see the new relationship through. But time will eventually get us all. For good or bad time is the great equalizer for making love work or for giving up on love. I miss her so bad. I wish I could kiss her one more time......... 2
Debbie2508 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Sorry you're still hurting,CV. I think its worse when the person you leaves says they still love you....you're left wondering how they could actually go. BUT,going over and over the "why's and what if's " in your head constantly (as i'm also guilty of doing) only serves to make moving on more difficult. We'll never know exactly why they chose to leave,and the "what might have been"s don't matter. Nearly all your post relates to me,seems like our relationships were very similar. Except for meeting up post BU. At first i was desperate for that to happen,but i know now that i wouldn't be able to handle it and would be back to square 1 (Im probably only on square 1 and a 1/2,but it's progress). As for one more kiss......that would just leave me wanting another and another.....
H3Drvr Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 For chrissakes man, STOP deluding yourself. You darn well know it isn't about the timing and if she truly loved you she would be with you and not starting a new RS with another dude. If you want to wallow in self pity and be left behind then keep living in the past. If you want to live, accept the death of the RS and get your life together and move on to newer and better things. Contrary to what you maybe feeling right now, she is NOT better then "sliced bread!"
marklarsson Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 You may want her back but right now you have to behave as though she is not coming back, just get on with your life. Her coming back has nothing to do with what you do anymore especially if you have already tried. It's all down to her. So what are you going to sit around for months or years until she realises her mistakes? The answer should be no. Heal yourself, that's the best mind frame to be in anyways for you make make a decision if she dies come back so heal and move on 1
Author Coping Vortex Posted February 20, 2013 Author Posted February 20, 2013 You may want her back but right now you have to behave as though she is not coming back, just get on with your life. Her coming back has nothing to do with what you do anymore especially if you have already tried. It's all down to her. So what are you going to sit around for months or years until she realises her mistakes? The answer should be no. Heal yourself, that's the best mind frame to be in anyways for you make make a decision if she dies come back so heal and move on It easy for everyone to say for everyone to say just get over it already. I come on LS to vent my feelings I'm sorry but I can't just falsify what I feel. Anyone that is trashing their ex that they love on this site is not being honest. They are feeding in to what everyone wants them to believe. That we are tough and we have moved on and don't care about what our ex's are doing. Grieving is part of the process its necessary. Why can't we just be real yes we miss our ex's we still love them and we think about them. I think that's more healthy to admit than to say "i don't need the bitch!!!" please that is so phony. Lets all be real. Its what I think and feel. If your ex wronged you then yes trash away. I have had ex's that cheated on me and lied mercilessly. They were easy to get over. Anger helped in that case. There was no anger in this case. We BU fully in love with each other. And yes if I put her n a pedestal its because I love her. And yes its easy to say well if she wanted to be with you then she would. yes but if she was under the impression of why we BU was because of different reasons than she wouldn't have BU with me and she confirmed that. But once you force yourself to give yourself over to someone else new like she did its hard to go back. I know everyone here is just trying to help push us over the grieving point. I can appreciate that. But in reality its something you have to go through. Your mind will not let go until its ready. Every day she is dying from my mind a little bit more so yes I will get there. No other choice. But for now I grieve. I come here to vent my feelings.
Debbie2508 Posted February 20, 2013 Posted February 20, 2013 Hi Coping, I agree with you to a certain extent,I don't think badly of my ex. We didn't part hating one another , in fact we never had an argument ( maybe that was one of the causes of the BU). He was the love of my life, and I know I was his, and I will never, ever forget the way it felt to be with him. BUT, I know that dwelling on that won't help me move on. I'm almost certain he won't come back, and even if he did, I definitely shouldn't have him back, unless fundamental things had changed. I have to move on, and if anything changes for him, then I'll worry about it when that time comes. Yesterday was the first day I was determined to make a real effort not to think about him constantly. Whenever "one of those thoughts" popped into my head, I forced myself to think of something else. Yesterday was the first day for over 6 weeks that I haven't cried! Have been doing the same today and so far so good. I'm sure I'm still gonna have bad days but I know, for my own sanity, I have to stop drowning in self pity. It doesn't mean I don't love him or miss him,it's just survival. And yes, it is grieving, but we still have to remember that they did leave us , for whatever reason.... maybe it's time for us both to stop grieving and start living.
Author Coping Vortex Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Hi Coping, I agree with you to a certain extent,I don't think badly of my ex. We didn't part hating one another , in fact we never had an argument ( maybe that was one of the causes of the BU). He was the love of my life, and I know I was his, and I will never, ever forget the way it felt to be with him. BUT, I know that dwelling on that won't help me move on. I'm almost certain he won't come back, and even if he did, I definitely shouldn't have him back, unless fundamental things had changed. I have to move on, and if anything changes for him, then I'll worry about it when that time comes. Yesterday was the first day I was determined to make a real effort not to think about him constantly. Whenever "one of those thoughts" popped into my head, I forced myself to think of something else. Yesterday was the first day for over 6 weeks that I haven't cried! Have been doing the same today and so far so good. I'm sure I'm still gonna have bad days but I know, for my own sanity, I have to stop drowning in self pity. It doesn't mean I don't love him or miss him,it's just survival. And yes, it is grieving, but we still have to remember that they did leave us , for whatever reason.... maybe it's time for us both to stop grieving and start living. I want nothing more. This relationship had been hard to let go. Under any other circumstances than what went down to cause our BU and I could have been well on my way. The sequence of events that unfolded were just unlucky. They were our undoing. Things that occurred and things that weren't said.
Debbie2508 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I know what you mean, and for all my bravado at the early part of the week, I'm feeling the same way. Asking myself the "what if's"... what if I'd done this, what of I'd said that, why didn't I try this etc etc. The thing is that THEY have to try too, we may have got over that particular hurdle and delayed the BU,but if, for whatever reason, they weren't 100% committed, it would have been just that , a delaying tactic and we'd still have to face the pain further down the road. I'm sure you'll say your situation and circumstances were different, as I think mine were , but, at the end of the day, we've both been left anyway and have to try to stop torturing ourselves. Easier said than done huh?? 1
gravi1 Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 Did I understand you correct, that you met her after her divorce? Well if thats the case it should be lesson learned, you were nothing but a step on the ladder to her hapiness. I however feel your grieve and hurt. There is a saying that "all sh... that had a start, also has an end". I am sure with time these anxiety and self pity wil subside, you will feel better and live your live with graditude that she had left now, rather than marrying her and her leaving then when you have settled in and made promises and tangible plans. You will survive, wether you want or not, thats all I know, otherwise you would have laid your own hand on your life long ago, you have it in yourself to overcome
Author Coping Vortex Posted February 22, 2013 Author Posted February 22, 2013 Did I understand you correct, that you met her after her divorce? Well if thats the case it should be lesson learned, you were nothing but a step on the ladder to her hapiness. I however feel your grieve and hurt. There is a saying that "all sh... that had a start, also has an end". I am sure with time these anxiety and self pity wil subside, you will feel better and live your live with graditude that she had left now, rather than marrying her and her leaving then when you have settled in and made promises and tangible plans. You will survive, wether you want or not, thats all I know, otherwise you would have laid your own hand on your life long ago, you have it in yourself to overcome No I knew her for years. She dated me while she was married. Her marriage was long over years ago. She hated him though out the last 5 years of her marriage. She only stayed in it for the kids and she had no money to move out on her own. However she finally couldn't take it anymore and left and wanted to be with me. So we had been together for years.
Kaza Posted February 22, 2013 Posted February 22, 2013 I know what you mean, and for all my bravado at the early part of the week, I'm feeling the same way. Asking myself the "what if's"... what if I'd done this, what of I'd said that, why didn't I try this etc etc. The thing is that THEY have to try too, we may have got over that particular hurdle and delayed the BU,but if, for whatever reason, they weren't 100% committed, it would have been just that , a delaying tactic and we'd still have to face the pain further down the road. The first time I broke up with my ex (now is second time), I did exactly that. I felt like I needed to fix myself. And you know what, I went to counselling, I got a new diet to help my pms, I did things for myself so I wouldn't put him in the center of my world, and I was independent like what he wanted. The truth is, I didn't need to fix myself for him. The pms was annoying to me, but it isn't unreasonable to want a bit more attention and care for a few days. And fixing myself didn't make the relationship work exactly because he didn't try to make it work. But having done all that, I know now that I did what I could, and it is exactly like what you said, the BU was delayed. 1
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