anp1005 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 My boyfriend and I seem to be on different pages lately. He puts his friends before me all the time. He doesn’t spend any time with me on the weekends. He thinks its perfectly acceptable to stay out with his friends until 1 am on Friday night and then hang out with them all day during the day on Saturday and until 10-11 pm Saturday night. So I get an hour or two Saturday night and Sunday. I don’t think this is fair to me at all and I’ve discussed it with him and he just says “Well you should be hanging out with me at their houses”. I don’t want to hang out with them because all they do is drink and I quit drinking a few years ago. At the beginning of our relationship (we’ve been together for 3 and a half years) I did hang out with him and his friends because at the time he lived with them. He was with them 24/7 at that point and when I hung out with him they were always involved. I feel that that point in our lives is over. I’m 24 and he will be 26 this August. I feel that at his age he should be thinking about if he wants to buy a house and get married not be playing beer pong in his friend’s filthy basement. When he doesn’t spend as much time with them (like around Christmas time) they guilt trip him and say they think he hates them because he won’t hang out. Most of them are younger than him by a few years, a few the same age. I’m just tired of it and conversations with him have not helped at all. Does anyone have any advice on how to get him to see this from my point of view?
MyPoutine Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 He is a "big kid" He will only mature when he wants to so either stick around and hope he does or leave, whatever you do though don't force him or give him an ultimatum
Emilia Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 This could be a difficult one because he sounds really immature. Maybe the two of you are just not compatible? It certainly doesn't sound like he is ready to have the settled life that you want. You are both young though, not sure at your age you should be thinking about marrying just yet. 2
Treasa Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 You can't make him "grow up" but you can decide if you want to be in this relationship or not. You can't change him. You can tell him what your expectations from this relationship are, but if he's not willing to at least compromise with you, you may want to move on. 4
Yamcha Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Pfft. Please. As an adult, one's responsibilities are only to take care of what needs to be taken care of (bills, food, etc). What one does with one's free time has absolutely no bearing on their maturity level. You can say that you're incompatible with him, but the idea that he's immature because he has different interests is bull****. 3
mammasita Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 26 is YOUNG. The decision is yours as to whether or not you want to continue with this relationship. Nobody, especially not you, can make him change. 1
StanMusial Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Well you have some history there obviously but you might want to reevaluate where things stand. Otherwise a few years down the road you'll be the 30 year old chick with the jobless, broke 32 live-in bf who doesn't want to get married nor leave. And yes, I'm thinking of a girl I know.
EasyHeart Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 ATTENTION LADIES: YOU CAN'T CHANGE MEN!!! Learn and accept this now. It will save you many years of heartache and frustration. yw 3
KraftDinner Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Well you have some history there obviously but you might want to reevaluate where things stand. Otherwise a few years down the road you'll be the 30 year old chick with the jobless, broke 32 live-in bf who doesn't want to get married nor leave. And yes, I'm thinking of a girl I know. I don't think the OP's bf is unemployed or anything. At 26 I wanted to be with my friends too.(I'm a girl.) Yeah, I grew out of it, but that's just me and if my ex had nagged me about it, it would have just distanced us. It wouldn't have made me want to be with him more. 1
StanMusial Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Were you wishing you were him? No, I was thinking about a girl I know... all of her friends were walking around sporting diamond rings and it hurt her feelings I think because her bf never proposed. I was reminded of the situation because the dude was sort of like what she described.
Absewarrior Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Nagging and trying to change him makes you unhappy...it does nothing to him but makes him annoyed. You want different things in life...drinkers and non-drinkers rarely can see eye to eye and his relationships with his friends sounds very normal to me for a 26 year old. You cannot make someone else be or do what you want unless you strip them of their own personalities and character. If you do that, you may get someone who is unhappy and resentful of you. BTW...I am an old soul and Iw ould never say someone is immature for living their life as they want...immaturity would be if he treated her poorly or played video games in his mom's basement with no job while she cleaned and cooked for him. AW
Emilia Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Playing beer pong games is childish and immature. Also is the fact that he is easily influenced by his peers (the OP states it in her post). Mature people are their own person. It's beyond me why anyone would find calling him immature offensive, it's just stating the stage he is at. It's completely natural.
soccerrprp Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 ATTENTION LADIES: YOU CAN'T CHANGE MEN!!! Learn and accept this now. It will save you many years of heartache and frustration. yw Does this apply to women as well? OP, you're best bet is not to to give him an ultimatum. If he accepts your conditions, he may become resentful and frustrated. But you need to decide if you want to live like this. Either accept him as he is or move on. He needs some maturing to do. He has no reason to change, but, perhaps you. If he really cares, he'll make an attempt to compromise, but I wouldn't give him an ultimatum right now. Just have a serious talk about (if you haven't) about how this is affecting the relationship. Good luck.
Treasa Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 ATTENTION LADIES: YOU CAN'T CHANGE MEN!!! Learn and accept this now. It will save you many years of heartache and frustration. yw I wish I had gotten this through my head about nine years ago. 2
soccerrprp Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I wish I had gotten this through my head about nine years ago. I have a sweet friend that I wish had gotten this through her head about the same amount of time ago....she's scarred for life now.
Treasa Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I have a sweet friend that I wish had gotten this through her head about the same amount of time ago....she's scarred for life now. I thought I was scarred for life, but then one day I decided to let go of my baggage, and now I'm doing pretty well. There's always hope. 2
soccerrprp Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I thought I was scarred for life, but then one day I decided to let go of my baggage, and now I'm doing pretty well. There's always hope. You and I know that. I am happy to hear that you've rebounded. My friend, on the other hand, is having a terrible time. Just trying to be supportive right now...
Mycteria Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I hope I'm still going out and seeing my friends and maybe even *gasp* playing beer pong at 26. Life is short, have fun (as long as the bills are paid). I'm 23 and I hang out with my friends literally every single night. I don't see what is strange about a 26 year old hanging out with his friends on the weekends. That's what weekends are for. OP I think you need to chill out and crack open a cold one. 1
soccerrprp Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I hope I'm still going out and seeing my friends and maybe even *gasp* playing beer pong at 26. Life is short, have fun (as long as the bills are paid). I'm 23 and I hang out with my friends literally every single night. I don't see what is strange about a 26 year old hanging out with his friends on the weekends. That's what weekends are for. OP I think you need to chill out and crack open a cold one. ...have fun... As long as it's not at the expense of another's feelings, lives. The OP is in a relationship and is feeling neglected. I don't think she's asking him to abandon his friends, just spend more meaningful, quality time with her. Even at 23 (or 26), if involved in a relationship, one knows better about priorities. Not too young to know that....Not everyone that age is partying too much. The OP is an example of that.
ltjg45 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I hope I'm still going out and seeing my friends and maybe even *gasp* playing beer pong at 26. Life is short, have fun (as long as the bills are paid). I'm 23 and I hang out with my friends literally every single night. I don't see what is strange about a 26 year old hanging out with his friends on the weekends. That's what weekends are for. OP I think you need to chill out and crack open a cold one. The problem is that he is doing too much of it. He's doing so much to the point where neither spends time with each other. He also has clearly chosen his friends over his girlfriend. He's better off single. Just break up and move on. 1
candie13 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 yup, you're stuck! You've grown, he is perfectly happy with the lifestyle he has. 26 isn't too old to live like this. I've met 30 years old, even 40 years old living just like that. 3 years and a half is a long time, but yeah, I second what ltjg45 said... that type of life is highly compatible with a single guy... so you either suck up to it or leave, no miracle "growing up" lotion available on the market, otherwise a lot of women I know would have made it that a record sale!
xpaperxcutx Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Being 26 is not young. Your boyfriend doesn't have his priorities straight and forcing him to become someone he doesn't want to be, is only going to built up resentment; and you're the one who's going to get hurt in the end. You got together with him because you fell for who he is. Expecting him to change is trying to force someone against their will to do something they do not want to do. Since you said, you quit drinking and you're moving to different stages in your life, maybe it's time to reconsider that your future does not lie with being with him. It's like finishing college and outgrowing your college friends. Different people with different priorities go separate paths. Personal story, my boyfriend is 34 and he supports his extended family- mom, dad, sister. He still parties like he is in his 20s, going out to clubs and spending the night dancing. At first I enjoyed going out with him, but as time went on, and I prefer to stay home more than going out, I set up ultimatums over his partying or me. He chose partying instead and I broke up with him. I couldn't change him because I later found out him partying is his stress reliever from a 10 hour workday and constantly worrying about bills and other stuff. He is struggling financially and he only sees partying as his release. He doesn't drink or smoke and he only goes out for music. After we talked things over, we got back together on the basis he only goes out when he has his weekends off. I go with him when I can but we never stay out too late. I'm not saying the same thing should occur for you, because for one, your boyfriend doesn't seem like he is looking to settle down. My boyfriend and I have talked about marriage, and it's going to be a reality once the both of us are settled ( he is able to find a better paying job, and I finish college and start working). Change requires planning and depends on how much that person wants it.
Yamcha Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 Playing beer pong games is childish and immature. Also is the fact that he is easily influenced by his peers (the OP states it in her post). Mature people are their own person. It's beyond me why anyone would find calling him immature offensive, it's just stating the stage he is at. It's completely natural.Try again. The OP said that his friends wine about him not hanging out with them around the holidays, NOT that he gives in and hangs out with them around that time. The guy is his own dude. He clearly wants to hang around his friends a lot. It doesn't matter what they do, as long as the guy gets all the necessary responsibilities done. If the OP doesn't like this, she can move on. But this doesn't make him immature.
candie13 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 not wanting to settle down doesn't make one immature. It means that person has made a clear choice as to how he wants to spend his life, for a certain period of time, with a certain type of company, that will provide him a certain type of experiences. you can ask yourself: is it for now, is it for tomorrow, is it forever? You don't know. All you know is what you get right now. Not much, honey, 'cause your bf is out partying. Unless you approve of this lifestyle, unless you enjoy it, unless you are willing to do the "dirty work", which is cleaning up his sh*t (not that he wants it or will ever appreciate it), I say move on. Start packing.... you may be late already. Can't save people from themselves. And listen, I am not against you sleeping well at night, but here, food for thought: it's late, the music is loud, he's drunk, so are his mates and this intoxicated sexy lady approaches your man. What do you think will happen? Hate to play bad cop... now you know.
kaylan Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 (edited) Hes only 26 OP. Leave him if you have an issue of him having beer fun with his buddies. Most people dont settle down and buy a house until they are around 30. Stop rushing this dude. You arent his wife. Since he spends more time with his friends drinking, than he does with you, leave him and find another guy.Playing beer pong games is childish and immature. Also is the fact that he is easily influenced by his peers (the OP states it in her post). Mature people are their own person. It's beyond me why anyone would find calling him immature offensive, it's just stating the stage he is at. It's completely natural. People of all ages play drinking games. ITT: guys called immature, yet again, for doing things their women dont want them doing. Edited February 19, 2013 by kaylan
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