A Messy break up and a second chance?

[VicLuc]

Hi, my name is Victor, I'm 27 and I'm from São Paulo, Brazil.

 

My girlfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago and I'm just starting to feel able to assess the situation. We had been together for 8 months, perfectly happy and in love with each other until a secret of mine came up.

 

I didn't tell her I have a drinking problem. This problem had receded enough that it was manageable, as I'm the kind of drinker that drinks alone at home, mostly not bothering anyone. I had the illusion that I was close enough to solve this problem on my own and not to have to drag her into it. Both for fear of losing her and because she didn't really deserve to deal with this dark side. My drinking had been dwindling down, I was happy and felt safe with my relationship and it happened less and less. Until it happened one day before our first big trip together, prior to the new year. We argued over the phone, I dissapeared for a few hours, then I met her at her house and had the talk before we went on our trip ''Look'', I said, ''I have a drinking problem, I figured out I really CAN'T put a drop alcohol in my blood''. ''Are you saying you are an alcoholic?'', she asked. ''I guess I am''. So she said she'd help me, and that we should put the prior misunderstanding behind us. We had a very lovely trip, came back, and everything was sailing smoothly.

 

Until, a month later, it happened again. I drank at home again, and was wasted. In a fit of shame and commiseration, I felt it was a good idea to call her, apologising for what had happened and asking for help. She was not sympathetic at all. She argued that I had no shame, calling her in the morning perfectly normal, and then calling HOURS later completely wasted. We started arguing, she broke up with me and I said some nasty things, like she was a bore, or that if she refused helping me, then she didn't love me at all.

 

Well, what happened after this was that she felt confused for the first few days, but decided to break up. She said I needed to clean up my act, and she felt bad enough that she thought she needed some restructuring as well. That maybe she'd regret that in a month or two, but that for now the decision was final. I was obviously desperate. I was constantly texting and talking with her that she should reconsider, that I needed her by my side to get back on my feet, the same old story. She didn't change her mind. I tried everything I could. This whole time we've been talking online, but never met again, because she said she didn't want to see me and feel rage. That while she felt hurt, there was no chance of us getting back together. But she initiates conversation as well. Sometimes just for trivial stuff, like nothing happened, sometimes wishing to know how I was, and if I had been taking my recovery seriously (I have been going to AA meetings since we broke up). For the first days, it was extremely difficult for me not bring ''US'' back into the conversation, and she would say that she felt pressured. Well, I feel pressured too, because saying ''my decision is final, but who knows what may happen tomorrow'' doesn't exactly help. Things like ''we shouldn't feel bad if we meet other people, but that's IF, because I don't want to think about that right now, you know me, I'm not one to chase around for men'' don't either. So I sent her flowers apologising, and wishing for the best for her, whatever happened to ''US'' down the line. Which elicited a very cold facebook response. She has me confused, because what she says is that the decision not to come back now is set in stone, but she's always sending signs that she's not quite okay, or telling me FOUR TIMES where she was spending the carnival holidays (working on a project at a friend's house).

 

So the flowers were my last resort. I left it at that, and let time deal with things. She'd still be starting conversations about trivial stuff. This last Thursday there was heavy rain in the city, and she had night classes. Sent her a text wanting to know if she got home okay. But didn't check for an answer until the next morning, and next thing I know she's talking to me on facebook, asking if I saw that message. She'll remove all our couple pictures from her facebook wall, but will leave two of them there, along with a handful of me. All very confusing, despite the talk that her mind is made.

 

Okay, so I get home this Friday night, 3:00 AM in the morning, and there she is waiting for me on Facebook, with a proposal to meet this next Thursday. She says she can't sleep, her mind's racing, and that she feels bad that she didn't give me a chance to explain myself in person. That I shouldn't face this as a chance to come back, that I shouldn't try to kiss her, hug her or beg for another chance, but just as a chance to talk, and oh, can I return her stuff?. All in a condescending tone that seems to imply I'm the only suffering, in confusion or missing the relationship. I respond with the shortest answers I can give. I say (honestly) that I need time to think about it, because maybe this is not the best time to talk, that I'm in doubt myself, and that I'll get back to her if I think it's a good idea. This distant treatment causes her to tell me that I'm ''monossilabic and probably mad at her so she'll try to get some sleep''. I explain that I'm not mad, it's just a lot to think about, to which she reinforces the point that she'll try and get some sleep. This is where I left things at. Haven't made myself available for contact all weekend, still didn't get back to her about meeting or not. I figure she actually needs time to a) reassess things b)actually miss me and wonder where I am.

 

I'm very aware of the problem I have now, and I'm working HARD to overcome that and becoming a better man all around. I miss her like hell, and my guts tell me this relationship does not end here. But I'm not too happy about some of her attitudes, and I'm completely LOST as to what she actually feels. This is tearing me apart...

[Mack05]

Victor (awesome English!) I think you need to this girl go.

 

I have suffered from addictions in the past. I always thought I could get them under control, but I was only kidding myself. You can't be in a healthy relationship until you resolve your drinking addiction. This will take a HUGE amount of time and effort. Sadly its a battle you will need to fight/control for the rest of your life. My addiction and the aftermath cost me a potentially great relationship (Sao Paulo girl!) two and a half years ago. I only wish I was in the right head space when I met her. I wasn't and I have paid a huge price for my mistakes over the past 5 years.

 

I have made big progress in my life especially over the past year, but all of a sudden I am 37 and the world seems to have passed me by. Do not make the same mistakes I made. You need to beat this NOW and in truth you have no idea how hard it is going to get. The one thing I know is while you are battling an addiction or recovering from one, its impossible to be in a happy relationship. You will drag people into your mess and that is not fair. Not only that you will attract the wrong kind of girl.

 

You are 27. You still got time on your SIDE but the harsh reality Victor (based on stats) is that you will probably never truly beat this and your life will end up getting worse and worse. To truly beat the biggest battle of your life, you have to do it on your own (outside of a relationship).

 

Addicts aren't bad people and they get judged unfairly sometimes. Speaking from experience you can promise "this time will be different" only to slip back in to darkness. When things are going well you can feel on top of things, but until you can take some bad news without looking for an escape, then to potential to fall off the wagon is always there.

 

You need to find away where you are happy inside, happy in your own company. That you are control of your addiction (even when you get bad news). To get to a position like this can take years. I'm still trying. Still battling with my demons. Sometimes you are positive, other times the guilt of mistakes gone by and opportunities lost can weigh you down. It gets tough but you still fight on and never quit.

 

There is no quick fix Victor. This is why you must let her go. You can't use someone else as an emotional crutch. It's not fair and these relationships end up toxic. In the meantime join AA and go to meetings. Talk about these issues with other people is the only way forward. The bottom line is you need to let her go, take your focus off her and into you. That is the only way forward. Anything else you will lose the war. Losing the battle is a lot better then losing the war..

[VicLuc]

Thanks, that was typed so fast I couldn't even see the billion typos, but still...

 

I guess you are right about a lot of things. I just feel confused, hurt about my own actions and by hers. We had plans to move in together soon, even after she found about the problem, so it's a swift kick to the nuts to find out that your partner is not that ready for a partnership at all. It's a surprise, because being together with her made me happy, and even considering how sloppy I've been with the addiction issue, it made me get better. Her words say one thing, her actions say another, and I honestly feel that if I could get her by my side again, things would be made easier. Make no mistake, I'm very aware that this is an issue I have to solve ultimately on my own. But I can't help the feeling that this is not a lost cause.

[Mack05]

I wasn't being sarcastic about the English. Your level is awesome considering its your second language. I have been learning Portuguese for the past year or so, I know how hard it is to grasp a second language.

 

I have been their buddy. My ex was Brazilian. I kept a lot of stuff from her (and she me) and to be honest it destroyed the relationship. It's hard to be honest about your past because you want an incredible relationship BUT you can't have an incredible relationship without being honest and completely open.

 

I will always believe if we did right we could have overcome the obstacles in front of us, but this could only have worked if we both came into the relationship in a healthy frame of mind. My ex refused to ever accept there were any issues with her, so therefore it simply could never have worked..

 

The start of our relationship was awesome, but when she realised I had unresolved depression issues, she didn't want to stay. Now this was the correct decision on her part. To be hit with all this early doors can be too much for some people. We went from nearly moving in together to badly broken up in less than a month.

 

I didn't want to lose her either. I think about her still all the time. I was a mess when she left. I knew the enormous potential that was there. But I also knew what we had was broken and very hard to fix (something you are not grasping about your last relationship). Certainly me back then couldn't have made it work with anyone. I still don't believe I am ready yet (2 years later) and this is the frustrating part. The good thing is I have honesty with myself. I know when I am ready that no man will make a better partner, but I also know I can't live up to my own lofty expectations that I want to set for myself just yet.

 

The thing is Victor she might be back. You might get back together, but I would bet anything that it will not work long term. There is so much happening under the surface that you don't understand. The relationship will end up toxic if it continues.

 

This is what happens when two people with large emotional gaps come together. They look to the other to provide the happiness that they don't have inside. These relationships end up in a train wreck. Doesn't matter what promises you make or what you say to yourself. I think me and my ex broke up 5 or 6 times before she did the right thing and ended it. Before that she was slowly disconnecting and working through the confusion so when the end came it was brutal. I forgive her though.

 

I was thinking like you at the time. If she loved me she should stick with me through thick and thin, but life is not that simple or black and white. Firstly she shouldn't have had to deal with my drama and the fact it was so early in the R made it that much worse. That was not fair. Secondly these girls tend to have poor all round coping skills. In my opinion emotionally unhealthy girls have a lesser threshold, they reach breaking point fair quicker then your average girl. Seem to reach "I love you" quicker too.

 

Still though guys like us are not a good match for them. They need guys who are rock solid and patient. Who will hold they hand and make them feel safe every step of the way. Who will the FAR more unselfish within the relationship. People suffering from addictions simply cannot fulfill this role. For one they are too selfish.

 

Believe me the best thing to do is disconnect from her COMPLETELY and work on yourself. As I said you may lose the battle, but you can focus on winning the war. I ignored all good advice and chased her like crazy. Her rejection and then having to face my demons meant hitting rock bottom. Its a long road back mate. I hope you don't do the same as me, but I fear you will. You talk the EXACT same way as I did..