serenade Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Hi I wonder whether anyone can put some sense into me. I am very frustrated to the point I just want to tell him that I have a crush on him. I am married for 4 years but being in a serious relationship with my husband for 13 years overall. No kids. I have only been with my hubby. I joined a new company 2 years ago. I met a guy who was in a serious relationship and fell head over heels 2 months into my new job. Being a person with a big ego and having not much experience with flirting or dating other men as I have been with my husband all my adult life I acted aloof most of the time. The thing is when I see him- even a slight inteaction such as a smile and a hi while passing by would get me dreaming about him for days. But for some reason when he came on a bit strong I backed off. And it seems when ever I came on strong he backed off. After about a year he transfered to another division so I saw very less of him. I got used to life without him in my dreams--atleast for a while. I see him about twice a week in the main kitchen area- even now after 2 years get me so in the dreamy mood- thinking about the way he smiled- way he couldn't meet my eyes as he is very shy and quiet. I dream about kissing him- makin glove to him.. I have told my husband that I have begun to like a guy at work. I have even asked for a devorce saying that if I am dreaming about other men then it tells me that I am not committed to him and not in love with him. I so want my lovely hubby to be happy and he deserves a better woman who would love him endlessly. My hubby keep convincing me that we are meant to be together and that he knows in his heart of hearts that I will never cheat on him. Sigh. The thing is if this other guy comes and kisses me I would not resist..I like him so much.. This other guy is the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last person on my mind when I fall asleep- is this love? I am 35 yrs old and feel as if I am acting like a teenager. I tell myself I have to move on but cannot. Only way Ican think of is telling this guy that I have a crush on him but I want to move on and it will help if he is rude to me, glare at me, ignore me etc. It really will help. Shall I do this? What I can't understand is when he talks to me he cant meet my eyes for some reason but he is sooo sweet to me- is this beacause he likes me? Help please. Thanking you in advance.
spice4life Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 No. It's not love; it's a crush and nothing more. This is very normal and a lot of people experience this from time to time. The key is to NOT act on it and eventually those feelings will go away. Keep yourself busy, start a new hobby, try something different with your husband to reignite the spark...anything. Just don't act on it and one day you will look back and see how it was nothing more than a silly crush. It sounds like you have good relationship with your husband because you told him. That's great! Now don't mess up your great marriage over a silly work crush! 5
woinlove Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 (edited) I agree that what you describe is not love, but a crush or infatuation and is not anything to end a M over. It does sound like you are feeding the infatuation a lot by spending so much time fantasizing about it. Some fantasizing is fun, but the problem with too much fantasy is those are times you could be enjoying real life rather than living in your head. The reason you are asking for help is probably because the balance of fantasy/real life is off (people are usually happiest when real life consumes most of your time). That is something that is within your control. Good for you for having open and honest communication with your H. You could show him your post here to stimulate further discussion on this. Perhaps your H does not realize how much time this is occupying for you. The two of you could discuss strategies for shifting the balance back more toward real life for you. Finding fun things to do together, to do alone, things to learn, etc., during the times you now are spending in your head. By the way, the way to help you move on lies within yourself. The work crush could glare at you and it still wouldn't help you move on unless you wanted to. Don't talk to your coworker about your feelings, talk to your H instead. Edited February 18, 2013 by woinlove 2
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 The way I FEEL like responding to your post, will earn me an infraction and a ban. So I will try to be polite: Get a grip, stop being a silly immature little girl, and instead of dreaming about fantasies coming true - fantasies which are all in your mind, unreciprocated and completely imaginary - why not look to the man you've been with for 13 years and address the issues there? You might be right. Your relationship MIGHT well have run its course. But you need counselling, in order to discuss matters openly, logically, fairly and make him understand what you're saying. At the moment he's in a daze and in denial. The way to wake him up is not to fulfil a stupid fantasy about some other guy you hardly know!! Be mature and handle this properly. Incidentally, if I were your H? You'd be staying in a motel right now, surrounded by all your stuff. And I'd be filing.... 4
Pierre Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Happy married people have crushes all the time. This is quite normal. The weak and needy act on those crushes. The more stable folks enjoy the crush and do not act on it. However, the obsession of OP on the crush is pathologic and she could easily destroy her marriage. 3
ThatJustHappened Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 You asked your husband for a divorce because you have a schoolgirl crush on a married man at work? When you say he 'came on strong' what do you mean exactly? How did he come on to you?
scatterd Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 (edited) I am wondering if this guy is also married. Even if he is not you should work on your marriage. Its a little premature to get divorced over a crush. This man may not even feel the same way as you do. Edited February 18, 2013 by scatterd
chaser0195 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I doubt he feels the same way as you. It's been 2 years and if nothings happened yet it probably won't. Maybe he feels uncomfortable with eye contact in general. Plus, a smile and a hi from someone is just them being polite and means nothing. Don't over analyze ever move he makes. You are seeing signs he likes you because you want him to feel that way you do. Don't ruin a marriage over a crush that is not reciprocated. 2
LoveTKO Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Does this guy know that you're planning on divorcing your husband because you have a crush on him? If you make him aware of your intentions, I'm positive that he'll run the other way faster than a major league pitcher can throw a fastball......
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Is risking all that you have with your husband worth it? Come on. Don't do this! It's selfish and pointless. And just a huge ego feed!! Unless you are purposely opening the door to an affair, to cheat and betray your husband? I wonder whether anyone can put some sense into me. I am very frustrated to the point I just want to tell him that I have a crush on him. I am married for 4 years but being in a serious relationship with my husband for 13 years overall. No kids. I have only been with my hubby. Here's an idea. Tell your husband about your crush and how you think of this OM co worker too much. Watch your H's reaction..That ought to stop you from fantasizing and wanting another man. Edit to add, see that you told your husband already. So, you are willing to throw away 13 years of history for the unknown? Really? If this is the case, then I hope you're OK with being alone, with no man in your life reguardless of the out come of this co worker..
Feelin Frisky Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 You are only in love with the image you have made of him, not him. What is he turns out to have bad breath? Or noxious BO? That tends to end office infatuations instantly. I can attest. I had feelings for someone on the job. When I disclosed this to another female who worked there she said "what? She stinks. P U." When I started getting close enough to get a whiff, game over. Usually there is a wake-up moment to such infatuations--that this person is not the ideal that inspired your want.
Author serenade Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 Thank you all for the input. Internet is a wonderful creation. So amazing that someone can reach out to total strangers when they are upset, to be able to seek help so easily.This is my first time on a forum and I would highly recomend it to anyone to go through thier day to day issues. I have finally decided to end it with my husband not because of this particular co-worker but the fact that I just see him as a friend- my best friend at that. He deserves someone who would love him with all her heart so to speak. I will seek legal advise.. I am not ending my marriage because of this co-worker- for all I know he has no feelings for me. You are correct to say that if he did feel the same way something would have happened by now. Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
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