Choosing the "right" girl when dating more than one

[johnnyk]

For the past year I've been engaged in non-exclusive dating. Meaning, I'd be dating more than one person on an ongoing basis during the same time frame. Never more than two at a time, only because my busy schedule wouldn't allow for it and well, that just gets exhausting and expensive.

 

It's not often that I've found myself in this situation. The last time was late last year. I was going on several dates with two girls. I became more physically attracted to one girl over the other, even though I didn't see long term potential with her. I let the other girl go and carried on a short term dating relationship with this one until she had to move away for family reasons. Anyway, the decision here wasn't difficult: I didn't see long term potential with either girl and while mutual attraction existed, I simply chose on the basis of who I was attracted to more.

 

More recently, I find myself in this situation yet again, but it's different now. The difference is I DO see long term potential with both women. They're both smart and educated, have long term goals (very important for me), are independent, employed, and I have things in common with both. I've gone on at least two dates with both of them with third dates anticipated.

 

Eventually I'll have to let one go, but that's the problem I'm faced with now. I like both of them. The expectation is that I'll get to know both of them to a point where the answer to which the 'right' girl is, will become clear as day, but then it might not. Sex is going to come into play, probably after the 5th or 6th date. From experience, the seriousness level just escalates after that and I'm neither equipped to juggle two bouts of seriousness, nor am I interested in carrying on two sexual relationships simultaneously, especially when neither girls know about each other.

 

I guess my fear in all this, is that I don't want to end up with the wrong person. I was in a LTR for four years that ended up in nothing. I don't have another for years to give for a relationship that withers into nothing. The next person I call girlfriend, I also want to call a fiancee.

 

How do I choose? How do I know who is the 'right' one for me? I put the word right in quotations because, to me, it's a nebulous term when spoken by people who all have varying interpretations. I guess I'm looking for common qualities that hopefully you all can provide insight on, that gets me to a better understanding of what that means in this context. Thanks and look forward to the discussion.

Edited February 18, 2013 by johnnyk

[eduardo23]

I don't know the secret to choosing the "right" one, else I'd write a book make some $$$ . But I guess I can go over what I consider important, #1 communication. You're going to have problems, I'd like to discuss them in a mature manner and handle it well. #2 knows who they are and what they want. #3 our values are similar or compatible (kids, financials, lifestyle such as travelling or a homebody). Those 3 would be most important imo for the survival of a relationship, but then other things I'd also like are similar sexual activity levels ;], open to trying new things, not argumentative.

[blue_jay_bird]

go with your gut. your worrying too much.

[aliceb1987]

Difficult position to be in....i've always dreaded it myself when dating multiple people at once.

 

I would say go with the one that makes you smile the most times during your dates with them,and the one you can be yourself the most around

[Star Gazer]

I'd say that by the 5th or 6th date with each of them, if you can't decide, you should let them both go. People are unique; you can't compare them. You have to evaluate each and decide if she's the right ONE for you. If she's not, let her go.

[carhill]

I guess I'm looking for common qualities that hopefully you all can provide insight on, that gets me to a better understanding of what that means in this context.

 

Which one has the more compatible family and relationship history?

[NiceGuyDTW]

For the past year I've been engaged in non-exclusive dating. Meaning, I'd be dating more than one person on an ongoing basis during the same time frame. Never more than two at a time, only because my busy schedule wouldn't allow for it and well, that just gets exhausting and expensive.

 

It's not often that I've found myself in this situation. The last time was late last year. I was going on several dates with two girls. I became more physically attracted to one girl over the other, even though I didn't see long term potential with her. I let the other girl go and carried on a short term dating relationship with this one until she had to move away for family reasons. Anyway, the decision here wasn't difficult: I didn't see long term potential with either girl and while mutual attraction existed, I simply chose on the basis of who I was attracted to more.

 

More recently, I find myself in this situation yet again, but it's different now. The difference is I DO see long term potential with both women. They're both smart and educated, have long term goals (very important for me), are independent, employed, and I have things in common with both. I've gone on at least two dates with both of them with third dates anticipated.

 

Eventually I'll have to let one go, but that's the problem I'm faced with now. I like both of them. The expectation is that I'll get to know both of them to a point where the answer to which the 'right' girl is, will become clear as day, but then it might not. Sex is going to come into play, probably after the 5th or 6th date. From experience, the seriousness level just escalates after that and I'm neither equipped to juggle two bouts of seriousness, nor am I interested in carrying on two sexual relationships simultaneously, especially when neither girls know about each other.

 

I guess my fear in all this, is that I don't want to end up with the wrong person. I was in a LTR for four years that ended up in nothing. I don't have another for years to give for a relationship that withers into nothing. The next person I call girlfriend, I also want to call a fiancee.

 

How do I choose? How do I know who is the 'right' one for me? I put the word right in quotations because, to me, it's a nebulous term when spoken by people who all have varying interpretations. I guess I'm looking for common qualities that hopefully you all can provide insight on, that gets me to a better understanding of what that means in this context. Thanks and look forward to the discussion.

 

Sounds like you don't know them well enough just yet to make the decision. You'll need to go out on more dates. It's IMPOSSIBLE that you won't find something that differentiates one form the other at some point. Then it will be a bot easier to make the decision.

[Mme. Chaucer]

If you had 24 of them, you'd officially be "The Bachelor."

 

Seriously. I don't think that it's wrong to date more than one person at a time as long as those you're dating are aware … are these women aware of the situation?

 

Personally, though, I could not do it. By the time I got a few dates in, I would be gravitating way more towards one or the other without even intellectualizing it. So I am of no help to you.

[johnnyk]

I don't know the secret to choosing the "right" one, else I'd write a book make some $$$ . But I guess I can go over what I consider important, #1 communication. You're going to have problems, I'd like to discuss them in a mature manner and handle it well. #2 knows who they are and what they want. #3 our values are similar or compatible (kids, financials, lifestyle such as travelling or a homebody). Those 3 would be most important imo for the survival of a relationship, but then other things I'd also like are similar sexual activity levels ;], open to trying new things, not argumentative.

 

So far communication with both has been really good. They're responsive and interested in what's going in my life, meaning they'll ask me questions when we talk.

 

As I mentioned, they're both employed, and career-oriented. That's a big plus in my book. One wants to get a PhD, the other is considering going back to school to study labor law. They're both level-headed and stable, and though we've yet to get into a serious talk about relationships, I get the sense they're looking for LTRs too.

 

#3 is interesting though. Both women are spiritual, and I think one is religious (she observed Lent last week). I myself am agnostic, but again we've yet to get into that conversation. Maybe me being agnostic doesn't matter to them, maybe it does. I also consider myself liberal. For example, I smoke pot on occasion, and think it should be legalized, am pro choice, and totally tolerant of gays and support gay rights (e.g. marriage). They may feel opposite on perhaps 2 of 3 those issues because of their religious views.

[johnnyk]

Sounds like you don't know them well enough just yet to make the decision. You'll need to go out on more dates. It's IMPOSSIBLE that you won't find something that differentiates one form the other at some point. Then it will be a bot easier to make the decision.

 

I think you're right. So far it's been those superficial qualities that they both share.

[pbjbear]

If you have only gone on 2 dates with each its still early. Give it a few more dates and youll see the one you prefer. Just dont sleep with multiple people

 

I never sleep with a guy early on and I hold off even more with guys from online...Id try to wait longer than 5 dates unless the dates were spread out far. Many people online multi date and use others, alot of men on it are lying about their intentions, so Id rather be safe than sorry. Alot of people dont have this attitude though

[johnnyk]

If you had 24 of them, you'd officially be "The Bachelor."

 

Seriously. I don't think that it's wrong to date more than one person at a time as long as those you're dating are aware … are these women aware of the situation?

 

Personally, though, I could not do it. By the time I got a few dates in, I would be gravitating way more towards one or the other without even intellectualizing it. So I am of no help to you.

 

Hey, I don't think it's wrong either. I like to keep my options open. They're not aware of the situation only because we haven't gotten into a conversation about dating and relationships yet. I feel it coming though because two dates was enough to cover all the basics.

 

I envy you for your ability to let gravity do the leaning.

[johnnyk]

Which one has the more compatible family and relationship history?

 

I'm not sure I understand the question.

[sillyanswer]

I'd say that by the 5th or 6th date with each of them, if you can't decide, you should let them both go. People are unique; you can't compare them. You have to evaluate each and decide if she's the right ONE for you. If she's not, let her go.

 

I agree with Star Gazer. I'd go further and say that if you can't decide then neither of them are right for you.

[johnnyk]

If you have only gone on 2 dates with each its still early. Give it a few more dates and youll see the one you prefer. Just dont sleep with multiple people

 

I never sleep with a guy early on and I hold off even more with guys from online...Id try to wait longer than 5 dates unless the dates were spread out far. Many people online multi date and use others, alot of men on it are lying about their intentions, so Id rather be safe than sorry. Alot of people dont have this attitude though

 

I met one of the gals through OKC, the other was an introduction by a colleague. Definitely not one of those guys you describe hunting for booty calls online. That said, I can't say for sure that I wouldn't sleep with both at least once, but I wouldn't carry on a sexual relationship with both. I would make them both aware that I'm dating one other person way before any clothes gets shed.

 

But yeah you're right. It's too early. Just thinking about it a lot since this is a new situation. Trying to navigate it carefully.

[johnnyk]

I agree with Star Gazer. I'd go further and say that if you can't decide then neither of them are right for you.

 

I don't see not being able to decide as being an issue. Either one I go for, I will be taking a chance, and I guess it's a question of choosing the one that has more of a chance of success and longevity.

[Archgirl]

If you really honestly can't choose then neither of them is going to be the right choice. Plus you're talking about them like comparing cars you might buy.

The right one is the one you just WANT for no good reason, probably despite some obvious flaws.

[sillyanswer]

I don't see not being able to decide as being an issue.

 

Then what's the problem? Flip a coin if you can't tell them apart. Or keep dating both of them until one of them annoys you.

[johnnyk]

If you really honestly can't choose then neither of them is going to be the right choice. Plus you're talking about them like comparing cars you might buy.

The right one is the one you just WANT for no good reason, probably despite some obvious flaws.

 

That all sounds fine and dandy if you're not thinking more than 6 months in the future.

 

My ex-gf, I thought she was pretty and nice when we first started dating and I wanted for her no other reason than that. Compatibility be damned. That's why she's my ex now.

[pbjbear]

That all sounds fine and dandy if you're not thinking more than 6 months in the future.

 

My ex-gf, I thought she was pretty and nice when we first started dating and I wanted for her no other reason than that. Compatibility be damned. That's why she's my ex now.

 

Pretty much all men do that- heavily focus on looks and ignore the rest. You have to be good looking first, then other stuff comes into play. Dont beat yourself up, all the other men out there do the same thing (being shallow)

[carhill]

I'm not sure I understand the question.

Pretty simple: Which one more aligns in a synergistic way with your family history, socialization and relationship history? Being who you both are, authentically, who 'fits' better?

[pbjbear]

Baed on your other posts you will date both of them at the same time and sleep with both and feel justified

 

Not fooling me

 

Where are the decent men nowadays? That actually have integrity and morals?

[Estate]

Any time I've ever been in that situation there's really only one way to decide...

 

... keep seeing them all. Somewhere between 3-6 dates you're going to start leaning one way or another, after 1 or 2 they might both seem great but get to know them more you're going to start noticing something in one or the other you're attracted too more.

 

Don't listen to anyone telling you this is wrong, I think this is the best way to go about things... what sense does it make dropping one girl too soon if you can' tell if she might have really been the better choice for you?

 

Just be honest about it. You're not exclusive with them.

 

There is ONE possiblility though that NEITHER of them are the right one... if you can't decide after multiple dates and be honest with yourself... is it really because they are BOTH so AWEOMSE... or is it because none of them is really standing out?

In that case there's nothing wrong with actually letting them both go and just seeing someone else.

Be wary of that.

[Casablanca]

I'm in the same boat as the OP, usually one fades away as I or they lose interest, but that hasn't happened yet. I actually had a date with a third woman the other night, but I didn't really feel anything so I didn't call her back. I only agreed to that one because we had been talking, but hadn't had a chance to meet up despite having planned to.

 

I have S and T. I have my 3rd date with S tonight, and my 3rd dated with T tomorrow and a 4th planned for next friday and I'll probably try and get one early next week with T, but we'll see.

 

It has been easier to arrange dates with T than S because of schedules and T has seemed to have shown more interest in me than S, but both have shown some, and both have great long term potentials in my eyes based on their goals and life styles and intelligence.

 

S also seems to be a bit more old fashioned and likes to take things really slow. I haven't had much time to get physical, and by that I mean touch her hand, go in for a kiss etc as we've been meeting when she gets out of class and she works on the weekend. S hasn't offered to pay for anything, other than getting her ice cream one time, but not mine.

 

T, invited me to see a band this past weekend, I actually got to meet a couple of her friends and their boyfriends, and T also bought me a round of drinks that night

 

So like you OP, I'm kind of back and forth, I'm starting to lean towards T, mostly because she seems to be showing more interest in me, but I'll see how date 3 goes with S.

 

I think once you get to date 3 and 4 OP, you'll start leaning one way, and thats when you should probably cut the other one off. If tonight with S goes more like hanging out with a friend I'll probably tell her I'm not feeling a connection. And honestly I hope it does so I can stop trying to figure out who I am interested in more.

 

Also OP, don't keep the other around when you decide who you like more so you have someone to fall back on in case plan A doesn't work.

[TheGuard13]

Pick the one you're most compatible with. I was dating two women for a while, and they made it easy to choose, because one of them fell in love with me and broke up with me because she realized I wasn't ready to make a decision between them.