Sososad Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Hi everyone I'm new here but have been lurking for a while I'd love to get some advice from the good people on here . I'm not gonna lie and be as truthful as possible . Here's my story we dated for3 years very much in love and seen each other Nearly everyday .. Things got tough with silly arguments and me suffering with depression it got to much and she walked away ( to protect herself but still loved me very much -she said) It's just over 3 weeks now. No contact 2weeks since breakup . As I said I'm not going to lie I want her back . She's made no attempt to contact me and I've respected that. But I hoped time apart would help her maybe see it was a mistake .. I know 2 weeks isn't that long really but I'm dying inside here day by day and it appears she's ok . Please don't tell me no contact is for self healing I get that but I'm just not willing to accept its over. How can it be over so quick ..all the signs where there I missed them all. I done the unthinkable snooped on fb she has new pics up which mean nite out with the girls . It didn't hurt like I thought it would its just the fact she doesn't care . I know this reads like a mess I'm sorry about that. So can anyone tell me 2 weeks of no contact is that super early to even expect her to miss me? I'm just asking for help please guys I'm lost . No contact is killing me I won't break it and text/call cause I'd just get her tough and cold mask she puts up which would be to much to take . It has got kind of easier to be honest but if its getting easier for me she must be clicking her heels at this stage in her breakup . When do you think the loss should hit home in a breakup . I know her well to know she will keep super busy in work and with friends and will try block me out completely .. Will that work..? I'm sorry if I'm been rude her please don't give me the usual Stay no contact move on!!!! I'm not ready but I'm trying . Can you please try give me some insight on to her thinking right now And stages of no contact ? When do you feel no contact hits home for them ? Thank you for taking the time to read my pathetic ramblings. 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 You've been broken up 2 weeks. Please believe me when I tell you: She was in the process of checking out LONG before that. 2 weeks has been the confirmation of something she was contemplating long before then... Ok, to go over your final points: I'm sorry if I'm been rude her please don't give me the usual Stay no contact move on!!!! I'm not ready but I'm trying . The facxt you're 'not ready' is immaterial. She's amde that decision for you, and ready or not - you're in it. Can you please try give me some insight on to her thinking right now And stages of no contact ? She's done with you. That's all you need to focus on and face. You can't fix two, on your own. There are no 'stages of No Contact'. No Contact - is No Contact. Period, full stop and end of story. (See link in my signature, updated 2013). When do you feel no contact hits home for them ? What do you mean, 'hits home for them'? The question is, why hasn't it 'hit home for you'? She's come to terms with it, from day one... You want her to miss you, to want you back and to contact you. In fact, you want her to want the same things you want. And she doesn't. This IS No Contact. And she's implemented it. You have no choice but to comply... Thank you for taking the time to read my pathetic ramblings. You could try breaking it, writing her a letter, asking her for a second chance - but you need to prepare yourself for the 'Ok we can still be friends' response. Which is fatal. That really is an indication that you are history. Because much as it sounds as if she's opening the door a crack, what it actually means is that the relationship, as it ever was, is well and truly over, and there's no chance of it repeating. 2
Inviv_girl Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Hi, I'm sorry for the break up. It happened.. so move on. I am in my 6 months post BU and I certainly know how you feel. You are still very fresh from the break up and that is very normal feeling you are through right now.. Focus on yourself, if she can be happy without you so why can't you? 2 weeks is So soon to break up and come back, even if you two do come back the break up will likely to happen again. Stay busy, keep the NC! DO NOT stalk her on any social media. I repeat DO NOT. Easier said than done but that is for the best. If you two are meant to be together it will, and if not no matter what you do to take her back in the end it just wont work. 1
Author Sososad Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Ok that hit home pretty hard so thank you for that. But what puzzles me on here is that everyone just says Go no contact? But where is the fight in people why should u just walk away . People push people away because of emotions and tensions too no? I'm not been smart I'm just asking . I also agree with your advise wether I want o face it or not . But your view is argued by 100s pages online completely ridiculously Almost guaranteeing no contact to work (I know that's crazy and impossible ) But people make mistakes sometimes and do come back..?????? I'm sorry I'm so bloody miserable . Thank you Tara for your time
Author Sososad Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Ok and I'm gonna sound like a sap but anytime we broke up Before we always sorted things and got back .. Maybe that's why I'm hopeful .. Please don't be too harsh I see the logic it's hard to accept tho
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Fighting is utterly useless, unless she's on the same page and fighting with you. it involves, counselling, therapy and hard work. But you both have to 100% want it to work, 100%. Unless you both equally feel that something is worth salvaging, then one person's 'fighting' turns into the other person's 'stalking'. She will just perceive you as a pest, a nuisance and someone who is now really beginning to get on her nerves. Work on you.... me suffering with depression it got to much and she walked away ( to protect herself but still loved me very much -she said) See... If you were/are suffering from depression, what exactly are you doing about that? And there, in black and white, is your own big red flag, right there... She walked away to protect herself. This had been building up. She couldn't take any more, and in the end had to remove herself in order to preserve her own health. If you want to beg her to try again, you are first of all going to have to prove to her - before you reunite - that you have taken matters into your own hands and are sincerely working to improve your mental health, attitude and personality. But she will need to see it for herself, be assured - and guaranteed - that the evolution is permanent, and that above all, you are doing it primarily for yourself. Not as a motive to get her back. Because ultimately, if you focus on you, and improve yourself, then if not her, certainly another, will value you for who you are and what you have achieved, for yourself. 2
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I know what you are going through bro, you are hurt that the women who was your life just walked away....... The first thing u need to do is get drunk, hit the streets with some friends and stop thinking. Kill your brain with alcohol or anything u think is necessary. Get some pills if u can......... No, Do NOT do this. Booze actually just makes you more depressed. Proven fact. And 'pills'? When the guy has already said he's suffering from depression?? Really, you're kidding, right?? Such coping mechanisms backfire, because they're temporary stop-gaps and actually, only make the problem feel worse, when you come back to earth.... I'm sorry, but I figure this must be the worst advice you could give anyone - ever. Really.... 2
aliceinthebox Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I kind of thought the same thing lurking on here for while. This forum pushes for no contact, but I feel like it's better to humiliate yourself and try before going no contact because then you can be proud that you tried rather than having done nothing at all. Sososad if you feel like contacting her will make a difference then don't let anyone hold you back and make a last full effort. If it doesn't work out then be proud that you did everything you could. 1
Author Sososad Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Tara thank u so much . I have engaged in therapy twice a week . And really trying hard .say if I do get better if she's not in touch how will she know I'm getting better
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Like I said: You can try contacting her and assuring her you are working to change, and that you would do anything to prove to her that you can be a different person. But you have to prepare yourself for the fact that she's just all done with this. Like I said, your break-up happened 2 weeks ago. But I suspect that she 'checked out' mentally, a while before... Maybe if you DO manage to talk to her, you could ask her how long she felt like this....? You have to own your fault in this - and maybe she will eventually have to own the fact that she never fore-warned you about her feelings of wanting to end it.... Maybe you can ask for a discussion.... But it shouldn't be a discussion solely focussed on trying to get her back. You need to get clarification, as I suggested above. However, if she simply won't play ball - then really, "you're on your own, kid"..... 1
Author Sososad Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Ya know like maybe some girls want to see you fight.. Not become a pest or stalker but maybe it's hard for them to have heard you say how you love them so much but just let them walk away so easy . I know me contacting her will do no good . She needs space and wants me to try get myself outta this rut. Her friend told me this and seemed quite hopeful but Look there's no promises I get through this she's still there for me Highly unlikely really .. Do you not think it shows the kind of person she is to walk away and leave some one when they really need your help ? Seriously it's so good to let this stuff out on here its driving me crazy inside my head .
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Oh crossing paths with the great TM, Am I ? Trust me, it works. The pills bit works for the depression too, u need to go to a doctor. My doctor didnt understand what I wanted and she referred me to a 'specialista' but i only wanted some nice prozac and stuff It might have worked for you - but it depends on the person - and someone already in therapy and on possible medication, it's gambling with their health and well-being. This is NOT good advice. And you insisting it is, really doesn't make it so. Drink actually triggers depression. And combining that with pills is just reckless idiocy.
treezy Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 (edited) I agree with aliceinthebox that you should give it one last shot if that's how you feel. I gave mine one last shot by calling him up and even though he broke my heart, it was worth it because I know I've done everything I could to salvage the relationship. No regrets. Edited February 18, 2013 by treezy spelling
Simon Phoenix Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Yeah, the drunk advice was pretty bad. And you can give it one last shot, but giving it one last shot within two weeks of the break is basically just shooting yourself in the foot for no reason. If you are going to make one last play, at least let emotions settle a bit and give yourself at least a modicum of a chance. It's still a low-percentage shot, but waiting and trying is more like a halfcourt shot rather than a fullcourt shot blindfolded shooting backwards at the net, which is basically what contacting her now would be. I agree with Tara that fighting is mostly useless (the real world doesn't work like the movies), but if you are going to fight, have a strategy instead of just going all out with no plan or rhyme or reason behind it.
marklarsson Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Ya know like maybe some girls want to see you fight.. Not become a pest or stalker but maybe it's hard for them to have heard you say how you love them so much but just let them walk away so easy . I know me contacting her will do no good . She needs space and wants me to try get myself outta this rut. Her friend told me this and seemed quite hopeful but Look there's no promises I get through this she's still there for me Highly unlikely really .. Do you not think it shows the kind of person she is to walk away and leave some one when they really need your help ? Seriously it's so good to let this stuff out on here its driving me crazy inside my head . If you read from my posts on her you will see that I feel the same way you did. I at first when my ex called things off, I felt bad because like you was depressed because of things at work. I everything in the power to make things right with her but to no success. i tried my hardest to not let my mind go to were you are thinking right now because I didn't want to resent her. Buy eventually it did, I was there for her when she was in a similar situation and I stood by her through it all because i saw that as thats when you need the one that loves you the most What hurts me the most is that, when the shoe was on the other foot she bailed out. 1
Author Sososad Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Yeah that's kinda the help I'm looking for I'm logical enough and know making contact right now is Just silly but that was another point I was trying to find out.. Like how long after the breakup does it take to really sink in I've read on other forums they say 1-2 weeks is ok you kinda just keep busy but it's 3-4 weeks that can be very tough and when a person is missed most .. But after that stage it gets easier and that's maybe the time to forget about it and chugg on !!
Author Sososad Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Also thinking that someone left you when you really needed them the most doesn't say alot for what a future would have ever held. Guess it's easier to walk away and pretend we never existed . I'm defo getting clearer day by day but the hope is still there that a text or breadcrumb comes in.. Like come on not so much as are u ok text ???
marklarsson Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Also thinking that someone left you when you really needed them the most doesn't say alot for what a future would have ever held. Guess it's easier to walk away and pretend we never existed . I'm defo getting clearer day by day but the hope is still there that a text or breadcrumb comes in.. Like come on not so much as are u ok text ??? As people say most of the time with females they bail out emotionally way before the break up happens. You only say "are you ok" to people you care about. My ex started seeing someone else like less than 2-3 weeks after we broke up. If you were truly a good boyfriend apart for the time you was depressed and especially when you were there when she needed you the most she will soon regret the way she handles the situation. You my even hear from her but by then it may be too late for her because you would have moved on
destroyed4sho Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 It might have worked for you - but it depends on the person - and someone already in therapy and on possible medication, it's gambling with their health and well-being. This is NOT good advice. And you insisting it is, really doesn't make it so. Drink actually triggers depression. And combining that with pills is just reckless idiocy. Yes, be careful with pills and alcohol... can be fatal if you mix some types of pain killers with enough alcohol. And also, some pills may interact with each other and cause death. Prescribed anti-depressants are a good idea.
destroyed4sho Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 How can it be over so quick ..all the signs where there I missed them all. I done the unthinkable snooped on fb she has new pics up which mean nite out with the girls . It didn't hurt like I thought it would its just the fact she doesn't care . It was not over quick for her, but it was over wayyy before she broke up with you. She went through the grieving stages with you and used you as buffer by her side. You didn't even know it. When do you think the loss should hit home in a breakup . I know her well to know she will keep super busy in work and with friends and will try block me out completely .. Will that work..? It was over her a LONG time ago...she is not at your level...she is way ahead of you. She is not thinking much about you...maybe only when she feels guilt or nostalgia of the good times you had. But that is it. Your still in the denial stage. Its going to take time, but if you have been lurking these boards you know in your heart what to do.
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