Debbie2508 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Worst day so far since BU 6 weeks ago. Can't stop crying. If I could just switch my thoughts off, I'm sure I'd be ok! How do you do it.... is it just a case of willpower ? The main thoughts that are driving me crazy are the "how could he say he loved me and wanted to marry me, then leave a few weeks later. I know there wasn't another woman involved, it was mainly due to his children refusing to see him while we were together. I sometimes feel it would be easier to get over if there had been another woman involved..... however, I'm sure the many people here who've been cheated on would disagree. Also , is it normal to have a couple of ok(not good!) days and then feel utterly bereft again ? I'm wondering if I'm subconsciously moving from the denial stage into the (forced) acceptance stage.
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Give yourself the famous 12 minutes. After that, realise you are perpetuating your own distress, pain and misery. You are doing this to yourself. Snap the elastic band. Have one on your wrist - not too tight, not too loose, but a wide band, not a thin stringy one - and the moment you feel your thoughts sliding into obsessive-mode, pull it, and snap it hard against the inside of your wrist. It's a response to trigger a different line of thinking. It bloody well hurts, but then think of something utterly unrelated - like, I wonder why daisies have random number of petals.... 1
todreaminblue Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Worst day so far since BU 6 weeks ago. Can't stop crying. If I could just switch my thoughts off, I'm sure I'd be ok! How do you do it.... is it just a case of willpower ? The main thoughts that are driving me crazy are the "how could he say he loved me and wanted to marry me, then leave a few weeks later. I know there wasn't another woman involved, it was mainly due to his children refusing to see him while we were together. I sometimes feel it would be easier to get over if there had been another woman involved..... however, I'm sure the many people here who've been cheated on would disagree. Also , is it normal to have a couple of ok(not good!) days and then feel utterly bereft again ? I'm wondering if I'm subconsciously moving from the denial stage into the (forced) acceptance stage. i find walking to be excellent if you are feeling obsessive or cant stop thinking, looking at nature , using your eyes instead of being in your head....dancing helps......i dont have to flick a rubber band....i roll my wrist to bring myself away from thinking i concentrate on body movement i use movement of my body to control a lot of things i feel, taking up gym or sport or simple walking may help you find some balance.you can isolate the different muscles in your body and feel them move....concentrate on them..i also pray thats when i need to sleep i pray until i do...if have obsessive thoughts or hear what i shouldnt be hearing praying helps...........listening to easy listening or slow groove music helps ....i concentrate on song lyrics.....you have to bring your focus to something else as tara also suggested.........deb 1
Author Debbie2508 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Give yourself the famous 12 minutes. After that, realise you are perpetuating your own distress, pain and misery. You are doing this to yourself. Snap the elastic band. Have one on your wrist - not too tight, not too loose, but a wide band, not a thin stringy one - and the moment you feel your thoughts sliding into obsessive-mode, pull it, and snap it hard against the inside of your wrist. It's a response to trigger a different line of thinking. It bloody well hurts, but then think of something utterly unrelated - like, I wonder why daisies have random number of petals.... Thanks tara, had a look at the link when you posted it on someone else's thread, and completely agree with it. I know I'm doing it to myself, and feel like a pathetic loser for doing so, but just can't seem to stop. Tried the elastic band too, but was snapping it every minute. todreaminblue, thanks for the suggestions, I play tennis 4 times a week, which helps and do the gym sometimes too, which definitely helps.It's when I'm not occupied that I find it the hardest, even at work as its not "full on" and I find my mind wondering all the time. I find first thing in the morning is the worst, I wake up with that hollow feeling and don't wanna get up and face another day. Having re-read thru my post I realise I'm one of those people on here that drive me mad..... the ones that ask for advice, then try to justify why it doesn't work for them!!!! I promise to make a real effort, starting now, to put all suggestions into practise .
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I find first thing in the morning is the worst, I wake up with that hollow feeling and don't wanna get up and face another day. Yeah, it's like a really bad head-cold - mornings and evenings suck.... I DO get it.... Having re-read thru my post I realise I'm one of those people on here that drive me mad..... the ones that ask for advice, then try to justify why it doesn't work for them!!!! I promise to make a real effort, starting now, to put all suggestions into practise . Well done - !! Very, very well done! Good on you! Thank you, thank you so much for 'waking up' to this!! I applaud you, I really do, because actually, I think you now 'get it'. You will slip, there will be ups and downs, there are bound to be - but this is a very telling comment. Good - on - you!! 1
Survivor12 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 A few years ago, I had the good fortune of being introduced to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help me in dealing with anxiety following a series of events (divorce, job loss, major move, severed sibling relationship, financial stress). Since then, I have continued to use the techniques to alleviate stress as well as to help myself through a tumultuous breakup. I highly recommend it. Here's a link that explains what it is: NAMI | Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Good luck. 2
brokenhearted91 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I know exactly how you feel, and I'm 4 weeks after break up. At first, all I wanted to do was sit in bed and do nothing but cry and think. This is probably gonna sound like typical advice, but seriously, get yourself out there and do stuff. It won't fix things, but it will help you to take your mind off thinking about your ex constantly. Go see some friends, or spend time with some family, go watch a movie and totally immerse yourself in it. I felt guilty at first for smiling, laughing or doing 'normal' things because it felt like people would look at me and almost think "oh she's clearly not that bothered about it" or "she's over it quickly" but the truth is, do it for yourself and stuff that makes YOU feel better. I still have days now where it hurts more than others, those are the ones you have to drag yourself through. 3
purpledust Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 i feel you deb. been 8 weeks since BU. tried many things to stop me from thinking, engaged myself into sports 3-4 times a week but that doesn't work. my mind still wanders, feels like i'm floating. i'm crying since yesterday again. i'm in a crazed state.
Author Debbie2508 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Yeah, it's like a really bad head-cold - mornings and evenings suck.... I DO get it.... Well done - !! Very, very well done! Good on you! Thank you, thank you so much for 'waking up' to this!! I applaud you, I really do, because actually, I think you now 'get it'. You will slip, there will be ups and downs, there are bound to be - but this is a very telling comment. Good - on - you!! Aawwww, thanks Tara. I haven't been on LS that long but I really respect the advice you give everyone and it means a lot to have you "on my side" , so to speak. Survivor,thanks for the CBT link, looks very interesting. Will download and read more when I'm home from work. brokenhearted, it's not that I feel guilty for having fun when I go out, it's more that I get upset. I'm prob much older than most on here and, until I met my ex, didn't go out much.Now, when I do, it just reminds me of him. I'm ashamed to say I went for a meal with my daughter last week and started crying because it wasn't him sitting opposite me!! But, I'll persevere and hopefully it'll get better. Purpledust, hang in there. We'll make it together. We have no choice but to move on, it's just us holding ourselves back. It's just soo damn hard. x
Coping Vortex Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 A few years ago, I had the good fortune of being introduced to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help me in dealing with anxiety following a series of events (divorce, job loss, major move, severed sibling relationship, financial stress). Since then, I have continued to use the techniques to alleviate stress as well as to help myself through a tumultuous breakup. I highly recommend it. Here's a link that explains what it is: NAMI | Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Good luck. Since my BU I have been seeing a therapist that uses CBT. So far it has helped slightly but so far I haven't had any major break throughs. I guess therapy takes time. I am bitter I have to go through therapy when her therapy is sleeping next to her now. 1
TaraMaiden Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Now wtf would your CBT therapist say about that comment? They would say that you're really not trying, or paying attention, That's what they'd say.
creighton0123 Posted February 19, 2013 Posted February 19, 2013 If you're six weeks post BU and are still crying over it, there is no shame in that, but perhaps a sign that you might want to talk to a professional to aid you in dealing with your anxiety and grief. You must, of course, alter your state of mind. I don't need to tell you that. It is better now that you focus less on the negative of missing him and more on the positive of being a single person. If you have your own space, rearrange your furniture so it is completely different than before the BU. Consider, even, re-purposing some rooms. Do you have a dining room and a living room? Flip them. Do you have an office and a bedroom? Flip those, too. Change the locations or completely change wall decorations. Buy a new favorite set of sheets and some new pillows. If you own your place, paint the walls of rooms you often spent time in a different and warmer color. Spend as much time as you care to reading or doing any other form of active entertainment (as opposed to passive entertainment like movies/TV). Now I can't compare yourself to me. We are very different people. I must say, however, that these tips helped me from reducing my thoughts of my ex from four to five times an hour to four to five times a day in less than a week. It mostly has to do with the fact that I am spending my time reestablishing myself as an individual and as a single man. After all is said and done, there, the best way will always be to express your emotions in a healthy manner: either by venting them to close friends, to a therapist, or right here. 4
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