Online dating and becoming exclusive?

[Michelle83]

So I'm brand new here but it seems like a great place for advice.

 

I started up on Eharmony a little while ago. I've had two meets so far, the first guy didn't go so well - we had good conversation, but not much attraction.

 

The second guy tonight I do like and would definitely like to see again.

 

I'm not so sure I'm ready to dive into anything too serious or committed though. I've been out of the dating game for about 5 years now (in a LTR) so am not so sure, especially with online dating, how fast do things tend to move?

 

Ideally I think I'd like to date 2-3 guys, maybe see each one once or twice a week and see what develops from there. Is this realistic at all or not?

 

I've heard that so many guys expect sex by date 3, but then doesn't that typically mean you're also exclusive?

 

What's 'standard' (I know there's no standard, but just normal or as close to it as possible anyway).

 

I'm in the 28-35 age range if that makes any difference (I'm 29, the guy is 33/34).

 

 

 

Also, when first starting to date/see someone, what is average for communication frequency? Do most people talk/text every day or not?

 

There's another guy who I really, really like - I've known him for a while now and we've been hanging out a bit but I get such mixed messages from him. We both seem to have a lot of fun when together and we have gotten somewhat physical (no sex), but he's not really pursuing much. He's mentioned things he likes about me and I know he's attracted, so I can't quite figure him out.

Edited February 18, 2013 by Michelle83

[Dark Phoenix]

So I'm brand new here but it seems like a great place for advice.

 

I started up on Eharmony a little while ago. I've had two meets so far, the first guy didn't go so well - we had good conversation, but not much attraction.

 

The second guy tonight I do like and would definitely like to see again.

 

I'm not so sure I'm ready to dive into anything too serious or committed though. I've been out of the dating game for about 5 years now (in a LTR) so am not so sure, especially with online dating, how fast do things tend to move?

 

Ideally I think I'd like to date 2-3 guys, maybe see each one once or twice a week and see what develops from there. Is this realistic at all or not?

 

I've heard that so many guys expect sex by date 3, but then doesn't that typically mean you're also exclusive?

 

What's 'standard' (I know there's no standard, but just normal or as close to it as possible anyway).

 

I'm in the 28-35 age range if that makes any difference (I'm 29, the guy is 33/34).

 

 

 

Also, when first starting to date/see someone, what is average for communication frequency? Do most people talk/text every day or not?

 

 

How about being single for a while? I think this is your biggest problem and a lot of peoples'. With the creation of online dating, it gives people an easy out when out of a LONG TERM relationship... look at you... fresh out and already want to be committed to someone because of the possibility of being attracted to them, not for anything else.

 

There's another guy who I really, really like - I've known him for a while now and we've been hanging out a bit but I get such mixed messages from him. We both seem to have a lot of fun when together and we have gotten somewhat physical (no sex), but he's not really pursuing much. He's mentioned things he likes about me and I know he's attracted, so I can't quite figure him out.

 

He's not touching you for this reason... fresh out of a LTR... probably likes you but to date you/become committed to you would end tragically for him.

[MyPoutine]

OLD take it slow, date but don't get physical until you are exclusive for a while (please don't believe the 3 dates = sex rule).

 

I think your friend is probably a better option but as stated above he doesn't want to be the "rebound guy"

 

Good luck

[Michelle83]

Sorry I think that came out wrong. I have been single for 6 months now so am definitely not fresh out and it wouldn't be a rebound.

 

I am 100% past the last relationship, so I don't have any worries that I'm trying to fill the void or anything like that. I'm open to meeting new people, I just don't want to get very committed until I really feel like he's the right one, if that makes sense.

 

I just met this guy - he's the second guy I met on Eharmony and while we get along and I like him, I think I'd like to meet a few more as well...just to see what the connections would be like, etc.

 

The other guy - I would totally commit to him actually (we've known each other for a longer time so I know more of who he is), but I'm just getting zero pursuit vibes. We'll see each other and he seems to have a good time, but he's not calling, texting, etc.

 

 

The intimate thing worries me. I've heard it's pretty bad with OLD and most guys won't wait too long. I agree though that once you're doing that, it makes things much more complicated on the exclusive front.

[johnnyk]

I'm a 32 year old guy and have been in your predicament before so hopefully my response is insightful for you. I started online dating after endings 4 year LTR.

 

The thing with being new to online dating and coming out of a LTR is that you don't trust yourself and your feelings. There's this lingering anxiety, however slight, that you could potentially make the wrong decision by virtue of the fact that your last relationship was a failure or perhaps even a mistake.

 

I think setting artificial boundaries is the wrong approach, as is trying to figure out and abide by some silly 'rules' of dating. M advice to you, and this comes from experience, is to toss that whole mindset out the window. Sex should arrive by mutual attraction and the flow of that attraction, not by the number of times you've dated a guy. I can assure you that us men are not marking our calendars and packing condoms in anticipation of the third date. Having sex doesn't mean you're exclusive unless you two mutually agree on it. I dated a gal and she didn't like the idea of me multi-dating and having multiple sex partners. My thing was I didn't want to be exclusive with anyone yet, but also respected her enough not to have sex with someone else while I was still dating her. That agreement could be totally different with another girl with different values.

 

It will move as fast as it should and if it doesn't move, then either you or he is not interested, and you'll want to have an honest conversation around what your intentions and feelings are about each other, rather than trying to guess his motivations based on his attitude and behavior. That's a slippery slope because our biases and emotional state more often than not, lead to false interpretation.

 

The frequency of communication varies too. Some people are busier, some people don't want to come off as desperate by calling or texting too much, some share their time between friends, family, other dates, or they just prefer more alone time. That all impacts frequency. In other words, don't over think these aspects as they matter less than you think. You'll just end emotionally torturing yourself obsessing over why he takes so long to respond to your text messages or doesn't always pick up the phone when you call.

[clia]

I'm not so sure I'm ready to dive into anything too serious or committed though. I've been out of the dating game for about 5 years now (in a LTR) so am not so sure, especially with online dating, how fast do things tend to move?

 

It's really no different than if you meet someone in real life as far as speed. And of course, it varies depending on the guy and how you click.

 

Ideally I think I'd like to date 2-3 guys, maybe see each one once or twice a week and see what develops from there. Is this realistic at all or not?

 

Totally realistic. It's what I always did when I did OLD. Usually, though, one of them outshines the others and rises to the top. Do not tell them you are multi-dating unless they specifically ask.

 

I've heard that so many guys expect sex by date 3, but then doesn't that typically mean you're also exclusive?

 

Sex does not mean exclusivity. You are only exclusive if you have that conversation. Some men expect sex by date three; a man who really likes you will wait until you are ready. As far as I know, there is no real standard for time to sleep with someone. It just depends.

 

While there is nothing wrong with casually dating more than one man, the sex thing can get a little bit problematic. (Even if you aren't officially exclusive, some men may have a problem with you sleeping with another guy at the same time you are sleeping with them. You may also feel strange about sleeping with one man and going on dates with others.) If a guy likes you, he will usually start pushing for exclusivity within a month or 5-6 dates. So, if you don't want that, you should think in advance about how you want to handle it if the subject comes up.

 

Also, when first starting to date/see someone, what is average for communication frequency? Do most people talk/text every day or not?

 

Totally depends, and again no different than if you meet a guy in real life. Usually you don't talk every day in the very beginning, though, unless it's exchanging a text message or two.

[5anta]

So I'm brand new here but it seems like a great place for advice.

 

I started up on Eharmony a little while ago. I've had two meets so far, the first guy didn't go so well - we had good conversation, but not much attraction.

 

The second guy tonight I do like and would definitely like to see again.

 

I'm not so sure I'm ready to dive into anything too serious or committed though. I've been out of the dating game for about 5 years now (in a LTR) so am not so sure, especially with online dating, how fast do things tend to move?

 

Ideally I think I'd like to date 2-3 guys, maybe see each one once or twice a week and see what develops from there. Is this realistic at all or not?

 

I've heard that so many guys expect sex by date 3, but then doesn't that typically mean you're also exclusive?

 

What's 'standard' (I know there's no standard, but just normal or as close to it as possible anyway).

 

I'm in the 28-35 age range if that makes any difference (I'm 29, the guy is 33/34).

 

 

 

Also, when first starting to date/see someone, what is average for communication frequency? Do most people talk/text every day or not?

 

There's another guy who I really, really like - I've known him for a while now and we've been hanging out a bit but I get such mixed messages from him. We both seem to have a lot of fun when together and we have gotten somewhat physical (no sex), but he's not really pursuing much. He's mentioned things he likes about me and I know he's attracted, so I can't quite figure him out.

 

I am a guy that just got out of LTR that lasted for about 3.5 years. It's been about 4 months since the separation, but I am over it 100%. Only about a month ago I subscribed to Match.com. I didn't know what to think of it because of the "stigma" that online dating has. I also ended up signing up with POF and OkCupid too lol. I ended meeting up with 3 women.

 

Now I kind of share the same concerns that you have when it comes to deciding what is appropriate as far as the number of potential prospects you can meet up with or talk to simultaneously and at what point do you stop when you meet someone that may actually share an interest with you. Honestly, I liked the third girl I met and I was actually corresponding with another girl on Match right before I met with the third one. After the meet up, I stopped corresponding with the other girl even though we had good conversation. Also because of my busy schedule and because I have an interest with the third girl I froze all my dating accounts (even if the third girl is not interested I am too busy at the moment to entertain interested females).

 

Which leads me to the issue of frequency in communication... I think I came on so heavy on the third girl that I think I scared her to death and I kind of regret it now. You want enough communication, not so much that you scare the person you are interested in. Communication has to be mutual and both parties have to have a similar amount of input (amount being said should be leveled and not one sided). She clearly knows I am interested and I know she is interested in my personality, but with her school, work, and personal life, and the fact I am so obviously into her (its only been a month), its definitely a turn off. It can be as frequent as everyday to maybe every other day. Constant texting during the day to maybe 1 or 2 texts a day. Its different for everyone. Right now, I am giving her space to sort things out so the ball is in her court. But I am alright with that because she was pretty direct with me and she wasn't afraid to ask for it plus I can wait and see what happens.

 

And no, sex doesn't have to be on the third date. I think if the guy really is genuinely interested in you and respects you that sex shouldn't be an immediate goal. But then again like communication, timing on sex and how much of an impact it has on a potential relationship is situational. Also it doesn't mean that you are exclusive. You're only exclusive when both of you agree to see each other exclusively.

[Michelle83]

Thanks very much for all of these replies - that's very, very helpful.

 

Hmm, that is an interesting way to look at it and I think that's definitely right - in part I'm a bit tentative to commit too soon because of the LTR. I'm 100% over it and have been for a while, but it was a long break-up to get out of (He tried to reunite us for months...I ended up having to call the cops to get him off my back).

 

All in all it's made me a little commitment shy and if a guy comes on too strongly, I don't respond well to that either. I like it when he's showing good interest and I know he likes me, but he's not texting all day long or coming on too strongly. Fast responses though and good communication throughout the week are ideal for me personally.

 

I had another date with the third guy I'm meeting and have corresponded with on Eharmony tonight and I really liked this one. I think maybe the whole 'close off to others' is kind of how certain you are you really like them.

 

With him... I wouldn't be so concerned about being exclusive for a while and seeing how it went. The other guy I liked, but there were a few uncertainties about him and I think that's why I had that feeling like I'd still want to see others.

 

So maybe part of that feeling is just gut instinct it isn't quite right. Granted you can't tell for sure about anyone after one coffee date, so I think seeing both for a few more dates would be a good move. I'm happy to hear that is considered normal though.

 

I'll likely hold off on getting intimate with either for a little longer too. I'm a bit odd in that I tend to be very slow for any affection (kissing, etc), but then once I'm at the point to even kiss him, I'm almost ready to do everything. I guess it's a bit of all or none on my part, but I'll try and control that.

 

Interesting about sex not necessarily being exclusive. I could see that - it does make sense if you haven't had the conversation yet that it wouldn't necessarily mean that.

 

On my end, I just know I'd be hurt if a guy I slept with was also sleeping with others, so it's unsettling in my mind to think about doing the same. But that's more of a personal decision I suppose than anything 'right versus wrong'.

[aliceb1987]

 

I'll likely hold off on getting intimate with either for a little longer too. I'm a bit odd in that I tend to be very slow for any affection (kissing, etc), but then once I'm at the point to even kiss him, I'm almost ready to do everything. I guess it's a bit of all or none on my part, but I'll try and control that.

 

Interesting about sex not necessarily being exclusive. I could see that - it does make sense if you haven't had the conversation yet that it wouldn't necessarily mean that.

 

On my end, I just know I'd be hurt if a guy I slept with was also sleeping with others, so it's unsettling in my mind to think about doing the same. But that's more of a personal decision I suppose than anything 'right versus wrong'.

 

I am currently seeing a guy i met online...things moved quicker than they should have (i am like you-if i am willing to do 'anything' with someone i am usually up for 'everything') the first date i ended up staying round his,then he invited me to stay over for a couple of days last week as we both had time off work (the 'staying over' thing has been happening quicker due to distance)

 

During that time we had sex...i was expecting it to happen and it felt right at the time but in hindsight it was not a good idea.When i left and ever since i have felt confused as we were acting all heavy asif we were in a relationship but were not officially together.We have been speaking every day,but he has been quite relaxed and not very forthcoming with me (no sweet talk,sporadic contact etc) I ended up speaking to him about things the other night,and he said he felt the same,that he had been quite relaxed as he wasn't sure what the deal was with us and where things were going.He put the ball in my court and said

 

Should we cool down the sex stuff and just… chill for a while? Meet up, but keep it casual?

Or do you want it to be all… intense, exclusive, heavy… and just keep going at the pace it's gone so far?

 

I chose 'option 1' as in my opinion u should know someone for more than a couple of weeks before you get into a serious relationship with them and i don't want to jump in too soon then regret it.

 

The 'sex too early' thing has put a real spanner in the works though! Just hope it won't mess things up for us really and kill the connection.I would definitely recommend that if you see someone as 'potential relationship material' to hold off the sex until you are ready to say 'let's get together' otherwise it majorly complicates things and raises some awkward questions!

[johnnyk]

Alice, this is exactly the situation I found myself in. Sex after six dates, after that things moving fast and getting intense, acting like a couple. But the whole time, I avoided the sweet talk. I wasn't ready to commit and to be honest, I didn't see her as a potential girlfriend.

 

She didn't take it too hard. We had a very honest conversation about where we both stood, and decided to part ways (she was feeling like it was becoming a FWB). The lesson here was that, there's nothing wrong with having sex, exclusive or not. But it depends on the person and what they're comfortable with.

[pbjbear]

Alice, this is exactly the situation I found myself in. Sex after six dates, after that things moving fast and getting intense, acting like a couple. But the whole time, I avoided the sweet talk. I wasn't ready to commit and to be honest, I didn't see her as a potential girlfriend.

 

She didn't take it too hard. We had a very honest conversation about where we both stood, and decided to part ways (she was feeling like it was becoming a FWB). The lesson here was that, there's nothing wrong with having sex, exclusive or not. But it depends on the person and what they're comfortable with.

 

This is the exact reason why Im so hesitant to sleep with a guy online or with guys in general within the first month. Most men will milk what they can. This guy was hoping itd become a FWB and avoided the situation so he could get what he wanted

 

I generally think its best to discuss where things are going before sleeping together...if hes into you he wont care. Theres always a chance he could say what you want to hear but if his actions line up theres a chance hes not being dishonest

Edited February 19, 2013 by pbjbear

[Michelle83]

Thanks again for the replies.

 

Yeah, that makes good sense. I can see why sex would really change things and kind of speed things along that weren't ready to happen.

 

I get nervous when guys start planning more elaborate and expensive dates and paying... I start to feel like I 'owe' them or something. One guy is taking me on date 2 this weekend to a play and it's $35 each. I do really like him so far though, so could see it going somewhere if we continue to click.

 

I think the hardest part I"m facing is them wanting to be exclusive too fast. I can deal with we get somewhat physical, maybe not sex, but I'm not so sure I'm ready to jump into something very serious.

 

The other guy scheduled date 2 for this weekend too. I find it a bit stressful juggling two guys at once. They actually both wanted a date for the same night.

 

What do people do in that scenario? Just lie or ? It seems to elusive to say you're just 'busy'?

[johnnyk]

This is the exact reason why Im so hesitant to sleep with a guy online or with guys in general within the first month. Most men will milk what they can. This guy was hoping itd become a FWB and avoided the situation so he could get what he wanted

 

I generally think its best to discuss where things are going before sleeping together...if hes into you he wont care. Theres always a chance he could say what you want to hear but if his actions line up theres a chance hes not being dishonest

 

You operate under and perceive situations through your own personal values, opinions, and experiences, which is hardly reflective of all women who are actively dating. And what this perception sounds like to me is that, to you, women are victims of manipulation and deceit at the hands of manipulative and deceitful men. Pretty far off, and black and white if you ask me, and perhaps more reflective of your own negative personal experiences with men? Unresolved personal issues should not be confused with truths (unless your goal is willful self-delusion). I mean, I understand you may be jaded and perhaps a little bitter, but don't you think it's kind of absurd to blame an entire gender for that?

 

I had a short term dating relationship with a woman where we had consensual and mutually enjoyable sex on multiple occasions. So let me enlighten you to a basic fact about human nature: there are some people, male and female, who don't need to have any other prerequisites to have sex other than mutual physical attraction and an affinity for each other. This goes both ways, no joke! I know you may not believe this or want to accept it because of some idealism you hold onto with a tight fist, but these people are more common than you think and totally capable and desiring of long-term, monogamous relationships. To accept this, you just have to widen your perspective, oh say, about 135 degrees.

 

Secondly, you don't know anything about me other than brief snippets I've posted about my dating experience on here or my relationship history. I came out of a 4 year relationship that became unhealthy for both of us by the end of it, and it had much to do with our incompatibility. I can honestly admit that I didn't gauge compatibility when we first started dating and that's a mistake we both made. I have been dating for a little more than a year, on and off, and I've chosen not to be exclusive in order not to repeat that mistake.

 

So I have only been on here consistently for a few days and you come off as a dating advice forum troll/jerk, who seems to have a habit of going into message threads, going off topic to spew your diatribe and spread your false generalities about men.

 

Michelle83, I would take pbjbear's advice with a very tiny grain of salt.

Edited February 21, 2013 by johnnyk

[pbjbear]

You operate under and perceive situations through your own personal values, opinions, and experiences, which is hardly reflective of all women who are actively dating. And what this perception sounds like to me is that, to you, women are victims of manipulation and deceit at the hands of manipulative and deceitful men. Pretty far off, and black and white if you ask me, and perhaps more reflective of your own negative personal experiences with men? Unresolved personal issues should not be confused with truths (unless your goal is willful self-delusion). I mean, I understand you may be jaded and perhaps a little bitter, but don't you think it's kind of absurd to blame an entire gender for that?

 

I had a short term dating relationship with a woman where we had consensual and mutually enjoyable sex on multiple occasions. So let me enlighten you to a basic fact about human nature: there are some people, male and female, who don't need to have any other prerequisites to have sex other than mutual physical attraction and an affinity for each other. This goes both ways, no joke! I know you may not believe this or want to accept it because of some idealism you hold onto with a tight fist, but these people are more common than you think and totally capable and desiring of long-term, monogamous relationships. To accept this, you just have to widen your perspective, oh say, about 135 degrees.

 

Secondly, you don't know anything about me other than brief snippets I've posted about my dating experience on here or my relationship history. I came out of a 4 year relationship that became unhealthy for both of us by the end of it, and it had much to do with our incompatibility. I can honestly admit that I didn't gauge compatibility when we first started dating and that's a mistake we both made. I have been dating for a little more than a year, on and off, and I've chosen not to be exclusive in order not to repeat that mistake.

 

So I have only been on here consistently for a few days and you come off as a dating advice forum troll/jerk, who seems to have a habit of going into message threads, going off topic to spew your diatribe and spread your false generalities about men.

 

Michelle83, I would take pbjbear's advice with a very tiny grain of salt.

 

 

LOL You wrote "the whole time I avoided the sweet talk" johnnyk...you were PURPOSEFULLY being deceitful and avoiding the topic so she wouldnt leave and you could continue to get sex. If you dont want me to think of you that way, perhaps you should not write that? Yes, I only know what you write on the internet but based on what you told the OP it sounds like YOU think theres NOTHING WRONG with leading someone on so you can get some sex! I understand people change their mind when they get to know someone and Ive done that before. But when I change my mind I inform the person. I dont lead people on at all- that is a very rude thing to do.

 

Yes, there are women who are fine with having sex and not caring if it doesnt go anywhere. However, the OP doesnt sound like this type so your tidbit is really irrelevant