If you were so inclined to write one final letter to your ex-MM, what would it say?

[stevie_23]

I’m wondering whether to send a handwritten letter to my ex-MM…it would be my absolute final goodbye, closure, blah blah. We didn’t have a proper goodbye. Not that this is important in the whole scheme of things, but I am someone who hates loose ends. I am also aware that HE is obviously not interested in tying up any of those loose ends (he finally did explain why he left me, and then we had some brief further discussions but they were awkward because he was being watched constantly by his wife, and the last thing he said to me was “I’m trying. I’ll try and get you by email. The internet connection on my studio computer is not functioning. All I have is work now.” And that was it. That’s not ideally how I want us to end…I know that he loves me and that he loved me when we were together. I know ideally we would still be together if he could. And I know that he doesn’t NEED any sort of letter from me to move on or to get closure and that he knows the truth of us, but I still would like to do this. I don't know if he thinks I hate him now or if I'm angry and beyond wrecked by all of this. I gave that impression when it first happened. I don't want him to think that of me. I want it to be good memories and good feelings where I'm concerned, as I have good memories of him. I’ve been thinking about it for a while but am in no rush, so…I’m taking my time in actually doing it.

 

I don’t want it to be any sort of thing that makes him feel pressured (like I want to restart things) or guilty (like I’m angry or hurt). I feel no need to mention anything about how I’ve been or what I’m doing. I merely want him to know that I feel nothing bad towards him. That I appreciate how good he was to me while we were together. That I know he loved me and that I trust he still does, and I feel the same. That I hope he can find happiness and stability in his life, and that I will never forget him and will hold him in my heart forever.

 

Once I do this, I feel I will be released. Almost like sending him off to be free, like a beloved bird. Lol. It would he handwritten because it’s more personal, but mainly because it’d be safe. I’d send it to his office and his wife wouldn’t know anything about it. I don’t wish to cause her any more concern and there is absolutely no need for it. This is goodbye, not trying to maintain contact. I haven’t talked to him or tried to talk to him in any way since the 2nd week of December last year.

 

What would you say if you felt you wanted to write a letter to your ex?

[Realist3]

I'm not sure I would ever do this, but if I did, I would probably thank them for the good times we shared, bringing up specific events. Let them know how I felt about how things went down. That's about it.

[stevie_23]

Yeah. I don’t want my letter to come across as me being unable to get go. I want it to show that I HAVE let go and this is my final, gentle and caring goodbye message. Treat him at the end of our relationship like we treated each other throughout, you know?

[Realist3]

Yeah, I can understand that. I say go for it.

[stevie_23]

Goodo. I pretty much decided to do this a while ago and didn’t post here for any kind of help to decide whether or not to do it (I expect 90% of people will say NOT to do it). I just wondered what others would say if they were to write their own letters.

 

I honestly feel like, with this letter, that I will be sending him off with a soft kiss instead of us both falling off a cliff and landing randomly scattered. That’s how I feel we ended, and me, being a slight control freak, would like to FINALLY end it “properly”. At least in my mind, you know?

[sb129]

Yeah. I don’t want my letter to come across as me being unable to get go. I want it to show that I HAVE let go and this is my final, gentle and caring goodbye message. Treat him at the end of our relationship like we treated each other throughout, you know?

 

A few times I;ve written letters and then just burned them, the act of writing things down was cathartic enough.

You'd show him you let go more if you didn't send it to him.

 

That said, sounds like you are going to go ahead- write the letter and sleep on it for a night before sending it.

 

Also- what do you owe him? HE ended it. You don't have to treat him a certain way.

[fllygirl]

If you will send then send with return receipt requested. This way you will know he or his office go it.

[stevie_23]

Also - what do you owe him? HE ended it. You don't have to treat him a certain way.

 

I know I don’t owe him anything. I know he chose to end it and I never left him the whole time we were together but he left me, and all that. I do know those things. I don’t feel I have to do anything for HIS sake or benefit. This is for me, and for the respect and love I will always hold for the relationship.

[stevie_23]

If you will send then send with return receipt requested. This way you will know he or his office go it.

 

Can you do that with mailed letters? This is a handwritten mailed / posted letter. I don't want any return receipt. I don't need to know if he reads it. I HOPE he does, but it's ok if he doesn't. I'm not even putting my return address on the envelope because I don't want to risk it being automatically returned to sender. I'd prefer to never know if he read it or not, and I don't want to risk it being sent back to my house where it could be read by my partner.

[sb129]

I'd prefer to never know if he read it or not, and I don't want to risk it being sent back to my house where it could be read by my partner.

 

Really?

Why do it then?

 

That would drive me nuts, most of the time people write letters because they want some kind of response.

[sb129]

Actually- scrap that I HAVE written a letter where I didn't expect or want a reply, but that was to the exMMs WIFE.

[stevie_23]

Heheh. Nah, I of course DO want him to read it, but I don’t need or want a RESPONSE.

 

I know that the only response that I would welcome would be him telling me he wanted to be with me again, and that he was leaving his wife. I also know that would never happen, and so…I don’t need a response, you know? It wouldn’t give me anything or improve anything.

 

So yeah. I want him to read it, but I don’t want a response. And I would find it too risky to put my return address on there in case it got sent back, and also too risky emotionally as I don’t want to be waiting to hear if he’s read it or not or if it comes back. I just want to send my feelings out there into the air and hope he reads it.

[sb129]

You obviously still have respect for your exMM.

 

Mine didn't deserve it. That part of my life is but a distant memory these days but the lasting emotion I have about it is regret towards his wife.

 

I felt bad for her and that my behaviour caused her so much distress (he left her for me- but he turned out to be not such a great catch after all). And eventually I told her and apologised to her in a letter- I have no idea if she read it or not, she didn't respond but THAT was my closure.

[FightClub]

Stevie_23,

 

I noticed your affair was a long-distance EA, no actual meeting with exMM.

 

If you've read my story before, you'll know my ex-MW was similar, though we did meet and it ended shortly after.

 

I can understand where you are coming from, wanting to send that letter, to put down into words what you will say to ex-MM, because in the end you'll feel as though you've had your final word in the end of the affair.

 

Many times, I considered writing ex-MW a letter of sorts, each and every time I almost finished that letter and sent it but I didn't, I wrote them to myself and saved them in the event I ever had to look back on my previous thoughts.

 

And you know what? By sending them to yourself, giving it time and possibly writing more, the catharsis is the act of expressing yourself without them having to see it.

 

Stevie, he's been over it, any words at this point are moot and will only upset you and in some ways prove to him; ' She's not over me.'

 

I had to be emotionally kicked every time I thought about sending ex-MW a letter, realizing that when you trade one full day with that person versus the amount of hours they spend with the spouse, you realize it doesn't matter anymore.

 

Consider this; Write the letter to yourself a few times, revise it and revise it again. Put that letter away for a few weeks and come back to it again and decide if it's still worth sending.

 

It's tough, I know...but you'll get through this, trust me.

 

Peace,

 

-FC

[stevie_23]

Stevie_23,

 

I noticed your affair was a long-distance EA, no actual meeting with exMM.

 

If you've read my story before, you'll know my ex-MW was similar, though we did meet and it ended shortly after.

 

I can understand where you are coming from, wanting to send that letter, to put down into words what you will say to ex-MM, because in the end you'll feel as though you've had your final word in the end of the affair.

 

Many times, I considered writing ex-MW a letter of sorts, each and every time I almost finished that letter and sent it but I didn't, I wrote them to myself and saved them in the event I ever had to look back on my previous thoughts.

 

And you know what? By sending them to yourself, giving it time and possibly writing more, the catharsis is the act of expressing yourself without them having to see it.

 

Stevie, he's been over it, any words at this point are moot and will only upset you and in some ways prove to him; ' She's not over me.'

 

I had to be emotionally kicked every time I thought about sending ex-MW a letter, realizing that when you trade one full day with that person versus the amount of hours they spend with the spouse, you realize it doesn't matter anymore.

 

Consider this; Write the letter to yourself a few times, revise it and revise it again. Put that letter away for a few weeks and come back to it again and decide if it's still worth sending.

 

It's tough, I know...but you'll get through this, trust me.

 

Peace,

 

-FC

 

He wrote and posted a new song yesterday about how we are falling stars and how did we fall so far and get so far from each other when we were once twinkling up in the sky. He is STILL thinking of…all of it. I know that makes no difference to the situation, but he hasn’t just moved on and never thinks of me. The letter will not be moot to him. If he does read it, he will get closure too I think. I think he will be relieved to know I am ok, that I don’t blame him, and that I still believe in what we had.

[sb129]

Maybe he is talking about his marriage...

[Lillyfree]

my last email to OM stated how i felt, reasons why i couldn't keep going, said to him that i thought i would never meet another person like him... and that i'll miss him, very much.

 

i could write another letter now that things are a lot clearer and i understand what he was about. however it would be anything but gentle

 

no more letters, or contact of any kind for me. if it was to be, if he wanted it to be, it would have been. now, the door is closed and i have no desire to open it again.

 

if i did contact him i would be waiting for a response. he'd have a way to play with me again, and i won't give him the satisfaction of knowing that i still think about him.

 

OP, you say you don't want to come across as if you were still hung up on him. thing is, writing a letter sends that exact message.

[stevie_23]

Why Stevie, why? He disappeared on you, dumped you more than once, you had a fantasy relationship, because it was all online. Why do you insist on thinking kindly about this man? The way I see it, there isn't much to look at fondly or kindly on. And you told his wife, it was over. Let it be over.......this will do you no good. You can't accept the finality of it now, sending that letter won't help you.

 

I know you don't want to hear it and it sounds harsh, but I think you need to.

 

I think this is my final step though in REALLY letting go. And I honestly don’t expect or want a response from him. That’s not what it’s about. I just want it to be over in my head in the nicest way, because I simply cannot think badly of him and our time together. It doesn’t help me and I don’t believe I have a reason to think like that.

[FightClub]

Stevie,

 

That's the thing though, you keep reading into his online activities, following him and trying to attach meaning to what he posts online.

 

Perhaps it's to get a response out of you or maybe not, either way it no longer matters. I know you spent a lot of 'online' time together, but that doesn't constitute a real 'thing', it's fantasy pure and simple.

 

Trust me, I know, I felt the same way once but the reality is far beyond what you think you feel/see at the moment.

 

And again, the point is moot, the closure is you stepping away from this.

 

Good luck on your journey, affairs take time to process and distinguish from the everyday reality we live in.

 

-FC

[sb129]

I think this is my final step though in REALLY letting go. And I honestly don’t expect or want a response from him. That’s not what it’s about. I just want it to be over in my head in the nicest way, because I simply cannot think badly of him and our time together. It doesn’t help me and I don’t believe I have a reason to think like that.

 

So write it and burn it.

 

Or write it and put it in a drawer for a few days....

[stevie_23]

Maybe he is talking about his marriage...

 

Nah, he’s not. He’s never written a song about his wife. Things in the song (and the other ones he wrote earlier after he left) are specific to stuff we’d talked about before to do with our feelings for each other and how he’d described things to do with us.

[stevie_23]

my last email to OM stated how i felt, reasons why i couldn't keep going, said to him that i thought i would never meet another person like him... and that i'll miss him, very much.

 

OP, you say you don't want to come across as if you were still hung up on him. thing is, writing a letter sends that exact message.

 

Yes, but you DID write a last email to your OM, right? I never got to really do that.

[stevie_23]

Oh LadyGrey, I was SO angry with him for quite some time. Not for him leaving me, but for the way he did it – cowardly and selfish. Of course I know that. I worked through it because, in my experience with many things (related to him and also in other unrelated areas of my life), I find that anger will eat away at me in a horrible way. I was getting chest pains and nausea from being so angry and hurt. To me, anger is hurt channeled into an “easier” to cope with way. But for me, it’s NOT easier. For me, it was easier to feel better by NOT hanging onto that anger but by trying to understand his behaviour and his feelings.

 

I spent quite a lot of time DURING our relationship being angry too, you know. It used to eat me up and it caused us problems. I have thrown away all of that anger now. It is futile.

 

And I honestly, seriously, GENUINELY do NOT expect a response. I am through with the waiting game, the tension and stress that comes from unfulfilled expectations. I lived through that time and time again during our relationship because of his restrictions and the overall situation. I don’t seek to repeat all of those feelings with this letter. If I really thought there was any chance of us continuing and if I really wanted a response, I’d just contact him through the songwriting forum he still goes on. I still am a member there. I’m even still on his list of friends there. So I’d just do that. I assume I’d get a response of SOME kind if I did that, but I don’t WANT that now. It would only bring me stress again.

 

The ending did indeed come because he stayed there. But that’s ok. I know why he stayed. And it’s not just because of those practical obstacles I’ve mentioned several times since I’ve been here. I know he stayed there because ultimately, he didn’t want to be with me ENOUGH to make it happen. Of course I know that. It doesn’t mean what we had wasn’t valuable to me and that I didn’t cherish our time together and him as a person. This, to me, doesn’t make him a bad person (to me anyway.)

[stevie_23]

I will write it, and then I’ll keep it somewhere for a while and re-read it later and see if I really do still want to send it, ok? I will say that.

 

Though, since I’ve been wanting to do this for about a month, and the reason I’ve been in no hurry to act on it, is sort of because I’ve been giving myself that time to decide if I do ever really intend to do it. Sort of like knowing what I’ll say and not writing it yet verses writing it and sitting on it for however long in case I don’t want to send it later.

 

In terms of me wanting him to write back and tell me in romantic terms how his feelings remain the same as they always have? He's already told me (in his explanation of why he ended things) that he will love me forever and I am his only true wife. That's nice and all, but I don't need to keep hearing that to be "ok". I've heard it. It doesn't change my situation, does it? I don't need him to write back and tell me anything at all.

 

Of course, in a fantasy world of COMPLETE "happy" closure, he would write back and say those things, but...I don't expect that. It's ok.

 

I DO want him to think of me fondly. I want him to smile when he reads my letter (IF he reads my letter) and be happy that I feel the same way he does (if he does) about our time. That's all I want at this stage. I've given up on anything else.

[Lillyfree]

i believe he's content with what he knows... he's the one that broke it off, if he wanted to he would find a way to reach you, even if it was to see how you're doing.

but he didn't. doesn't.

 

so why are you volunteering that information?

 

and don't look him up online. there's no point, he's where he wants to be. and songs... are songs. he could be doing a taylor swift....

 

the way to deal with this that eventually helped me a lot, was to consider that person dead.

because they are - as far as your life is concerned.

would you write letters to a dead person? maybe, but it would be crazy to send them to their address.