summer077 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I met this guy, who I'll call Mark, through a friend (we weren't set up, we just started talking online and then he wanted to hang out). I've gone out with Mark once and it went, by my accounts, really really well. I have been single for over 2 years and am hoping for a relationship of some sort to transpire but I get the feeling he's just in it for the physical aspect. More details: When we started talking online he hinted towards being interested in sex after seeing my pictures. This put the alarm off in my head and I decided I wouldn't meet up with him because I was convinced this was all he wanted. A friend of mine suggested I just be upfront with him and ask, but I felt this was unfair considering we hadn't met up yet and it seemed like I was thinking far beyond where I should have. We continued to talk for over 2 months and he was still asking to hang out. Finally, since he had been asking to hang out in places outside his apartment and was still interested, I made up my mind that he was the real deal and we met up. We met up at a pub and it went really well; we each other only had one drink, and we had amazing conversation. It was getting late and was a work night so he said he couldn't stay much longer but I was welcome to come over if I wanted for awhile. I decided I would because I wasn't ready to call it quits yet. When we got to his place we hung out for awhile listening to music and talking and then one thing led to another. We didn't have sex, but partook in other activities beyond kissing (i'll leave it at that). At one point it looked like we were going to and he stopped it - at the time I took this as a symbol that that wasn't all he wanted. As I was leaving he called the cab for me and said it was great seeing me - I asked him if I could see him again and he said yes. I left feeling great and like I had found a potential prince, but then I started to over think things in the days to follow. I left our city for a week to go on vacation and on my way to my destination he asked me for "pictures". I didn't have any to give so he suggested I send some when I get to where i'm going. I have yet to send him one. I'm worried that all he is interested in is a friends with benefits deal or maybe nothing. I on the other hand would like to see this (with time) turn into something. We talk daily, but only a small amount - he usually messages me but our conversations online are pretty lame. I asked him when I would see him once I'm back in town and he responded with "whenever". I can't tell if this is just a guy being a guy or if that's a hint that he's uninterested. I always read that when guys are interested they really really show it but I feel like all guys are different so im not sure. I'm planning on bringing it up when the time is right and in person, but for now can anyone here give me their thoughts? I would really like to believe this is the beginning of something, but dont want to think about that if it's not in the cards at all.
mortensorchid Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Aside from his intention, what are YOU looking for? You said in the beginning that you thought he was only interested in sex and you didn't want it just to be that, but now you're thinking that you do want it? Or was I just misreading it. I am not accusing you of anything, what you want is fine, but are you waffling on it?
Author summer077 Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Sorry I may have mist-typed something. I would like relationship to come of it.
eduardo23 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 IMO you made a mistake going to his place. You have to withold sex and see if he changes his tune. 2
johnnyk Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I met this guy, who I'll call Mark, through a friend (we weren't set up, we just started talking online and then he wanted to hang out). I've gone out with Mark once and it went, by my accounts, really really well. I have been single for over 2 years and am hoping for a relationship of some sort to transpire but I get the feeling he's just in it for the physical aspect. More details: When we started talking online he hinted towards being interested in sex after seeing my pictures. This put the alarm off in my head and I decided I wouldn't meet up with him because I was convinced this was all he wanted. A friend of mine suggested I just be upfront with him and ask, but I felt this was unfair considering we hadn't met up yet and it seemed like I was thinking far beyond where I should have. We continued to talk for over 2 months and he was still asking to hang out. Finally, since he had been asking to hang out in places outside his apartment and was still interested, I made up my mind that he was the real deal and we met up. We met up at a pub and it went really well; we each other only had one drink, and we had amazing conversation. It was getting late and was a work night so he said he couldn't stay much longer but I was welcome to come over if I wanted for awhile. I decided I would because I wasn't ready to call it quits yet. When we got to his place we hung out for awhile listening to music and talking and then one thing led to another. We didn't have sex, but partook in other activities beyond kissing (i'll leave it at that). At one point it looked like we were going to and he stopped it - at the time I took this as a symbol that that wasn't all he wanted. As I was leaving he called the cab for me and said it was great seeing me - I asked him if I could see him again and he said yes. I left feeling great and like I had found a potential prince, but then I started to over think things in the days to follow. I left our city for a week to go on vacation and on my way to my destination he asked me for "pictures". I didn't have any to give so he suggested I send some when I get to where i'm going. I have yet to send him one. I'm worried that all he is interested in is a friends with benefits deal or maybe nothing. I on the other hand would like to see this (with time) turn into something. We talk daily, but only a small amount - he usually messages me but our conversations online are pretty lame. I asked him when I would see him once I'm back in town and he responded with "whenever". I can't tell if this is just a guy being a guy or if that's a hint that he's uninterested. I always read that when guys are interested they really really show it but I feel like all guys are different so im not sure. I'm planning on bringing it up when the time is right and in person, but for now can anyone here give me their thoughts? I would really like to believe this is the beginning of something, but dont want to think about that if it's not in the cards at all. I would have to agree with Eduardo that you made a mistake going to his place on a first outing. I mean, yes, he didn't pressure you to go all the way, but it's clear he wanted something sexual from the get-go. I hope my own experience will be insightful for you. I "hung out" with a girl I met online over a 3 month period. I didn't ever consider them dates because I didn't think we'd work as a couple (I didn't tell her that though), but I kept seeing her anyway because I liked her company. One evening we went out to a night fair, had some drinks, and got naughty (without going all the way). After that, we started having sex regularly. I suppose she started having the same thoughts as you did because one day she wanted to talk about where we stood, where things were going. I guess I had a hard time admitting to her that I wasn't interested in a relationship. She was interested and said she was really attracted to me. The best way I could explain my position was that I liked hanging out with her, but that I wasn't ready for a relationship, wanted to keep my options open. So she boiled what we had down to a FWB, which she wasn't okay with. I understood and respected that, so as two adults, we agreed to end it. She said she needed to cut off communication to 'get over' me because apparently she developed feelings for me. That sounds like the path you're going down with this guy, developing feelings, but with all that uncertainty. This guy owes it to you to tell you exactly, without a doubt, where he stands, what he wants. Sometimes we need to be pushed by women to do that because often we're motivated more by our sexual urges, than by common decency. Before you go any further, sexually, and in other ways, you should ask him how he sees things and if he brushes it off and skips around your questions, he's not just being a guy, he's simply not interested in anything more than your company and all the benefits of that. Speaking for myself, if I really like a girl, I will generally be more proactive and interested, meaning she'd hear from me more often.
silvermercy Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 (edited) You shouldn't have gone to his place so early. He's not just a guy being a guy. He IS indifferent. I'm sorry but I laughed at "whenever"!! Never heard of a response like that before. Is he 16? A teenager? As someone else mentioned, any less interested and he'd be in coma. Edited February 18, 2013 by silvermercy
RedRobin Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 (edited) OP, I'm not going to be another one of the people jumping on the bandwagon saying you went to his house too soon... or trying to make you feel stupid. At some point, anyone who is sincerely looking for a relationship has to take some calculated risks... you shouldn't be getting beat up for it. On the other hand, I'd say it would be wise of you to recognize the 'tells' of men who aren't serious in their intentions. Also, it really isn't wise of you to be bringing strange men either into your home or going to their homes without getting to know them a bit for lots of other reasons. I'd argue that men who try to push limits and push things in a sexual direction ASAP are not relationship material either. It's not like he'd be interested in you more if you didn't go to his place that night. Guys who are relationship minded are in that frame of mind BEFORE they go on a date. Guys that aren't... aren't. Has nothing to do with you whatsoever. Your job is to fish them out early. This isn't a game where you 'hold out' and hope he likes you more. You just aren't interested in men who don't have anything else going for them than their man parts. He's given you plenty of indicators that he's only interested in something casual or nothing at all. Unlike the other posters... I doubt it has anything to do with you or what you did or did not do though. He doesn't sound like a good person. Edited February 18, 2013 by RedRobin
Author summer077 Posted February 19, 2013 Author Posted February 19, 2013 whoa whoa whoa. First of all I didn't give 100% details on who I am or who this guy is because I felt, for this post, that it was unimportant. Also, my typing likely sounds like that of a child because I'm on a computer that keeps lagging. I'm currently wrapping up my law degree and this guy is a teacher, neither of us are children. About him wanting to leave: it was 12:30am (we met up late because I was doing a fundraiser), and he had class at 8am the next day. Calculate that we live in a city and how (for me anyway) it takes awhile to wind down, I understand why he would want t leave and only wanted one drink. I don't want to be up late on nights that I have 8am classes either. A lot of people seemed very upset that I went back to his place and although, since I asked, it is appropriate to say "you know, that probably wasn't the best idea for someone looking for a relationship", I think some of you need to seriously take some feminism classes based on your focus on that. I think humans are human and that just because you give into a sexual desire once and awhile doesn't make you the devil. From his perspective for example, if he were the one posting,a stereotypical response regarding my behaviour that night could say "girls who want relationships play like they don't want it - so the fact that she want back with you means she's the slut". this isn't further from the truth as I've been single and pretty much inactive for 2 years. As for the "whenever" response i received, I do agree that that is a red flag. Not everyone is good at expressing themselves though, so while i'm going to address it I'm not going to interrogate him about it. I wish that you guys gave more constructive advice instead of focusing on minute details, speculation and me. I was more overall looking for whether I was reading into stuff too much or not, and when/if I should approach him about this. Thanks!
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