ana0pera Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I am curious to know from others in LDR if you think there are some demands that you can make in a "normal" relationship that just aren't feasible in an LDR, and what those demands are to you? Like, if your partner were to ask something of you that would be an immediate deal-breaker, or cause some sort of drama at the very least? I recently got back together with my ex and my friends think I am an idiot for doing so. They want me to make demands of him that I think are unreasonable, but maybe it's because I am a pushover. I am curious to see if anyone here posts as unreasonable demands the things that they want me to ask of my bf. If my bf were to demand that I send him intimate pictures or videos that'd be a deal breaker. Not that I am necessarily opposed to those things, but I don't think they are something you should demand. what are your unreasonable demands?
stevie_23 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Well, ANY sort of “demand” is not good. I have been in 2 LDRs in my life. The first was for 6 months before we met in person and 4 months later lived in the same city and then 18 months later moved to another state and have been living together ever since (12 years ago almost). We never made ANY demands whatsoever during our LDR. We both felt secure in the fact we were making an equal effort to maintain our time together. We would always email, chat online everyday, and once we met in person for the first time, we also would talk on the phone for hours each day, and visit each other every few weeks (we lived one state apart and would take turns visiting each other’s home town). It was not difficult to maintain our LDR. The only hard part was the constant longing for each other when we weren’t together. In terms of my other LDR, which was an affair online / phone with a married man (now my ex), this was MUCH more difficult because we had so many other restrictions on us and we were much further away (different countries). We had to work around each other’s partners and we never met in person so we had to accept what we had (for now). We never really made any “demands” as such, though I would tend to get very annoyed and disappointed if he couldn’t be there for me when I wanted him (which was pretty much all the time of course). Expectations we had for each other were that we would TRY to be together as much as we possibly could, and that we always WANTED to do that even if we couldn’t always achieve it because of our restrictions. As long as we trusted we were both “in it together” and MOSTLY were able to satisfy each other’s needs, we didn’t feel the need for demands as such.
Author ana0pera Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 point taken, so let's say request instead, not demands. and i'll spill the impetus to this thread: my friend thinks I should ask(/request/demand/whatever you want to call it) my bf to leave his country (where his family is, where he has a stable job) and move to mine (where he has some family, but not in the part of the country where i live, and where he'd need to get a visa, a job, etc) while i finish up my degree (should take about two years). i think this is extremely unreasonable for too many reason to go into here, but the biggest one is that I will be moving in two years after I finish my degree anyway (to where I don't know yet, it depends on where I get a job offer but I am looking into Europe because I wanted to do research there for a while anyway, long before I met him). One of my friends (not the one who made this suggestion) gave an ultimatum like this to her ex when we first started grad school and they broke up... and they had been dating for over a year in person before it went LD. I think reasonable requests/demands are that you talk regularly, plan regular visits as your finances allow for, things like that. unreasonable is asking for gifts and asking someone to move too soon. If he asked me to buy him gifts or asked me to drop everything and move i'd be pissed. I like buying him things but it shouldn't be expected, and I would move if I could but there are obviously circumstances that prevent me moving. Anyway, that's how I judge things as being unreasonable. But I do think my friend has a point, especially given all the stuff we've recently went through due to his commitment issues. She thinks he needs to provide an action to show that he is committed to me as he says he is. She was in an LDR too (for ~4 months while her bf was abroad; fortunately for her the distance was closed) so she does understand what it's like.
stevie_23 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Well, I personally think it’s selfish to expect him to leave his country and everything and everyone he knows to come and live in your country, and not even in the same PART of the country where you live!? So he’d be sacrificing everything to come over there and not even get YOU as a “reward” to make it worth that sacrifice?? Do you expect him to move to your country to be with you EVER in terms of the progression of your relationship or are you ok with being long distance forever? I assume you and him are “on hold” in terms of any definite plans to move closer together until after you’ve finished studying and then decide where you want to settle, and THEN you can focus on him moving, OR you both move somewhere mutually decided together, or you move to where he lives and settle there. Why should he disrupt his life for a temporary situation that does not benefit him at ALL and only provides small benefits to you? Your friends are way too demanding in their expectations of someone else’s relationship! (your’s, lol) I understand that he should be showing you his commitment, but that’s just an unfair expectation and it’ll add way too much pressure and potential resentment if you ask that of him, you know?
Els Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 and i'll spill the impetus to this thread: my friend thinks I should ask(/request/demand/whatever you want to call it) my bf to leave his country (where his family is, where he has a stable job) and move to mine (where he has some family, but not in the part of the country where i live, and where he'd need to get a visa, a job, etc) while i finish up my degree (should take about two years). i think this is extremely unreasonable for too many reason to go into here, but the biggest one is that I will be moving in two years after I finish my degree anyway (to where I don't know yet, it depends on where I get a job offer but I am looking into Europe because I wanted to do research there for a while anyway, long before I met him). Not reasonable at all. Even if he does it because you issued an ultimatum, it'd just foster a lot of resentment. The person moving has to want to move on his/her own accord. IMO your friend's advice is selfish. 3
Author ana0pera Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 well if he were to move here, it would be with me. for the record, i think it's selfish and unreasonable too and i would never ask him to do that right now. eventually one of is going to have to move because i can't do LDR forever. Ideally, I'd get a job in his country after I finish my degree (it is customary in my discipline to take a post-doctoral position for a few years before getting a tenured job) so that we can see how we work without the distance. And then after I finish my post-doc we will go from there. This is of course contingent on me getting a job in his country; if I can't get one in his country or nearby, I think it's then okay to ask him to move for me because if we are still talking by then, we would've been LD for nearly five years and neither of us wants to be LD forever. My friends point out that it's a long time to be waiting for someone, and given his commitment issues in the past, he might start seeing someone during that time and I would've wasted years with someone when I could've been out in my area meeting single men. I bet I'm not the only person on this forum who has heard that from family/friends, and of course I could be the one who meets someone new--whether I am looking to meet someone else or not. I have been 100% faithful to him and never put myself in situations where I even talk to guys because I am committed to him. I guess this is where the trust on my part comes in, and that is something I am working on after what caused us to break up in the first place. I think there are other more feasible ways that he can show me his commitment. I do have a hard time distinguishing between things that ask slightly too much and things that are fine, because I guess it is case-by-case.
onlyjs Posted February 21, 2013 Posted February 21, 2013 I think you have the right thinking - your friends are giving bad advice. I guess it depends on the "demand" although, I agree with the others, the "demand" is not something you should do, at all. Ultimatums are the death nail of any relationship, and most certainly LDRs. Since it is a situation of you getting back with an ex, think you can and should start having conversations about plans to be in the same area and a realistic timeframe for you guys to move forward together. That's what I have/am doing going around again with my ex - we have short-term plans because it works for us. Maybe you guys have a long term plan? Something for both of you to work towards and look forwards to, ya know? Good luck!
justwhoiam Posted April 7, 2013 Posted April 7, 2013 I am curious to know from others in LDR if you think there are some demands that you can make in a "normal" relationship that just aren't feasible in an LDR, and what those demands are to you? Like, if your partner were to ask something of you that would be an immediate deal-breaker, or cause some sort of drama at the very least? I don't see any difference between a LTDR and a LTR, regarding things that cannot be asked in the former. Actually, maybe it's the opposite. There are things you wouldn't normally ask if you were in a standard LTR opposed to a LDR. my friends think I am an idiot for doing so. They want me to make demands of him that I think are unreasonable How to judge your friends' advice? How successful is it? Because I wouldn't invest any money on something that is proven to be a failure. So if I wouldn't listen to any financial advice from someone who's not more than successful financially, I wouldn't listen to a friend collecting break ups. I wouldn't involve my friends in my love decisions. And in most of my decisions anyway. If my bf were to demand that I send him intimate pictures or videos that'd be a deal breaker. Not that I am necessarily opposed to those things, but I don't think they are something you should demand. Now, I guess you know there's a difference between demanding and requesting. He can ask for something, I see nothing wrong with that. He can express his needs and should feel comfortable doing so. I would give in if I trust him enough (that means trust gained in years). I would put myself in his shoes, and I would be happier knowing he looks at me when he needs to, rather than looking at other women. He who has ears to hear, let him hear. my friend thinks I should ask my bf to leave his country (where his family is, where he has a stable job) and move to mine (where he has some family, but not in the part of the country where i live, and where he'd need to get a visa, a job, etc) while i finish up my degree (should take about two years). i think this is extremely unreasonable for too many reason to go into here Very unreasonable. Things needs to be discussed together and not imposed. I think reasonable requests are that you talk regularly, plan regular visits as your finances allow for, things like that. unreasonable is asking for gifts and asking someone to move too soon. You can set a few rules so that the LDR works at best. You can decide the rules together. That will prevent you from having higher expectations, for instance. Regarding gifts, I'm with you, I think they should come from the heart. But if either of you had an urge, and knowing you can't meet up in months, I wouldn't see anything wrong with asking for something, like a t-shirt to keep you company and have his smell on it. That's just an example, of course. But you get the picture.
Recommended Posts