How to end it...

[Trulia]

I've been in a 'relationship' with a married man for about 2 years now, he has 2 children. I'm in a relationship with my fiance about 10 years now. The relationship started out purely sexual, my fiance was aware of it, the MM said he did not get sex at home, and if he did he felt like he was being pushy about it, no romance, etc. Things became more serious, of course my fiance has no idea, to him we have not seen each other in months. MM and I have traveled together, exchanged the 'love' word, we both made it clear neither of us would end the current relationships we were in, and our spouses don't deserve to get hurt.

 

Long story short I feel I want to end it, my fiance is rarely home, maybe a week at a time and then go for 1 or 1 1/2 months (which is why he wanted me to find a friends with benefits kind of deal). I don't like waiting around for MM, wondering when we'll see each other, he has his family and obligations and I get it, but I feel I could be giving more to my fiance emotionally if MM wasn't in the picture, I do care for him deeply but because I know it will never go anywhere, I'd rather end it now before someone ends up really hurt, and I think that person would be me because I'm the one alone 80% of the time. We've had arguments and I've told him this, let's just end it now, forget you met me, I don't want this guilt that I'm hurting your family and they never did anything to me, focus on your family and kids, but he doesn't want to let go. He wants to keep going how it is, stay happy and not think of the negatives. What got me to this point is today is my birthday and I haven't heard a word from him, despite the fact I know he was online earlier, yesterday we'd been texting/emailing all day, I did not expect him to physically be with me, but to not find 2 min to send a 'happy birthday' has really gotten to me, and he knows I'm alone because my fiance went back to work a few days ago.

 

Not sure what to do...

[Heather1]

Holidays & birthdays suck for sure. It's a time where you find out where you really stand & it is VERY hard.

 

Here's what I think....10 year engagement?? It's time to S' or get off the pot w/ that one. You deserve to be m'd w/ kids of your own by now, not stuck in a side R to fill a void.

 

I've found that OF COURSE a MM would want to keep things as is, what has he got to lose if you're good w/ it?? Now you're stuck w/ 2 men & your still lonely. Find a better match

[stevie_23]

You seem to feel alone a lot. You are engaged to someone who is away most of the time and who is ok with you being with other people in a romantic / intimate / sexual way. This would make you feel alone both physically (the fact he’s not around a lot) and emotionally (the fact he doesn’t want you JUST for him) maybe?

 

Your MM is also unavailable because of his prior commitments and also it seems (with the birthday thing) he is also unable to be there for you in the ways you need to show you emotional closeness and availability. Also the fact you have said you wanted to end things and he refused and was happiest to keep going in a way that is resulting in you not getting what you need from him…that shows he is not emotionally there for you either.

 

It seems you are not getting your needs met by either of these men…and you said if you ended things with your MM, then you could commit fully to your fiance, but if you DID do that, would you then feel even MORE alone because you'd be giving all of yourself, 100%, to a man who also isn't really there enough for you?? Are both these men happy enough to continue on in a "partial" form of relationship? (your MM is already married with a family but is happy to have you in ADDITION to that, and your fiance is away a lot and fine with you being with other people because he knows he can't give you everything on his own so he's got you as a kind of SIDELINE thing even though he's seemingly committed to you as you're engaged?) while you are alone?

[Pierre]

I've been in a 'relationship' with a married man for about 2 years now, he has 2 children. I'm in a relationship with my fiance about 10 years now. The relationship started out purely sexual, my fiance was aware of it, the MM said he did not get sex at home, and if he did he felt like he was being pushy about it, no romance, etc. Things became more serious, of course my fiance has no idea, to him we have not seen each other in months. MM and I have traveled together, exchanged the 'love' word, we both made it clear neither of us would end the current relationships we were in, and our spouses don't deserve to get hurt.

 

Long story short I feel I want to end it, my fiance is rarely home, maybe a week at a time and then go for 1 or 1 1/2 months (which is why he wanted me to find a friends with benefits kind of deal). I don't like waiting around for MM, wondering when we'll see each other, he has his family and obligations and I get it, but I feel I could be giving more to my fiance emotionally if MM wasn't in the picture, I do care for him deeply but because I know it will never go anywhere, I'd rather end it now before someone ends up really hurt, and I think that person would be me because I'm the one alone 80% of the time. We've had arguments and I've told him this, let's just end it now, forget you met me, I don't want this guilt that I'm hurting your family and they never did anything to me, focus on your family and kids, but he doesn't want to let go. He wants to keep going how it is, stay happy and not think of the negatives. What got me to this point is today is my birthday and I haven't heard a word from him, despite the fact I know he was online earlier, yesterday we'd been texting/emailing all day, I did not expect him to physically be with me, but to not find 2 min to send a 'happy birthday' has really gotten to me, and he knows I'm alone because my fiance went back to work a few days ago.

 

Not sure what to do...

 

The affair is a road to nowhere. The ILYs are only valid within the affair bubble. If you have a d-day you will be labeled a slut and your MM will throw you under the bus. As of now he likes to eat cake with you. The MM will never leave his wife.

 

OTOH, you have nothing at home. You partner asked you to get a f**** buddy, so you know where you stand with him. I suspect he probably has a couple of OWs on the side besides you.

 

The question that begs an answer is:

 

 

You are not married, never see your partner, he asked you to get a f**** buddy and yet you stay with him. What is wrong with you?

 

Get counseling I suspect you have very low self esteem. Women with healthy self esteem don't do what you are doing.

[stevie_23]

I suspect she either does indeed have low self esteem or else she, like a lot of the rest of us, just kind of gradually got into the position she’s currently in. Maybe her fiancé wasn’t always away all the time…maybe they cared / care deeply for each other and because of this he worried, when he had to be away so often, that she’d be lonely and would need some form of companionship and he didn’t want her to leave him entirely, so he said it would be ok for her to do that. And maybe at first she didn’t WANT anyone else, but eventually she DID get lonely, so…I don’t know. This is just a hypothetical scenario because I don’t know the whole background.

 

I wonder, if the MM (before it got the point of the OP wanting to seriously end things) said to her that he WOULD leave his wife and he ONLY wanted her, would she prefer to be with him or her fiancé? And conversely, if her fiancé came home one day and said hey, I don’t have to go away anymore and I DON’T want you having anyone “on the side” EVER AGAIN! Would she be happiest with that?

[Trulia]

Thanks for the replies. Yes with my fiance that is another issue I need to evaluate, because of his work he's not here a lot, had a break down with him last week and said I needed a break, I've been with him since I was 19 and want to feel what its like on my own, I'm tired to walk around as if I'm in this totally committed relationship (wearing a ring, etc) but when something happens whether positive or negative, he's not here (example promoted twice at work, he wasn't here to celebrate with me, car accident and he wasn't here for emotional support, when I'm sick I'm alone, weekends alone, etc).

 

MM and I were seeing each other about 2-3 times a week and that helped, but now his wife has gone back to school and he told me last week that he can only meet Fridays now because of her schedule. I work a lot, 12-14 hours a day, don't have a huge group of friends and not a lot of family around. I find it funny that I have two men in my life who supposedly 'love me so much' but am always alone.

[Trulia]

I suspect she either does indeed have low self esteem or else she, like a lot of the rest of us, just kind of gradually got into the position she’s currently in. Maybe her fiancé wasn’t always away all the time…maybe they cared / care deeply for each other and because of this he worried, when he had to be away so often, that she’d be lonely and would need some form of companionship and he didn’t want her to leave him entirely, so he said it would be ok for her to do that. And maybe at first she didn’t WANT anyone else, but eventually she DID get lonely, so…I don’t know. This is just a hypothetical scenario because I don’t know the whole background.

 

I wonder, if the MM (before it got the point of the OP wanting to seriously end things) said to her that he WOULD leave his wife and he ONLY wanted her, would she prefer to be with him or her fiancé? And conversely, if her fiancé came home one day and said hey, I don’t have to go away anymore and I DON’T want you having anyone “on the side” EVER AGAIN! Would she be happiest with that?

 

As far as my fiance and I, what you mentioned is spot on. He knew he'd be away and I would need someone around, someone he knew and could meet, who could take me out and all that, and yes I told him I didn't need it, I'd be fine but he insisted so I decided to try it, met MM, felt comfortable with him, expectations were clear....and no he never said he would leave his wife and I never asked him because I know this is not reality.

[stevie_23]

It's your choice whether to keep yourself in this current position. They are treating you this way because this is what they have to offer you (and it may not be what they ideally want either, but it's all they're willing to do right now), and if you can live happily with that, well...ok.

 

But it's obvious you're not happy. Talk again to your fiance. Do you even WANT him to be around all the time for you anymore, or has that ship sort of sailed, died a very slow death based on a lack of available bonding time?

 

If you talk to him and tell him you don't feel he's there for you enough, and although it's not his fault, you're just really unhappy...see what he says...what HAS he said in the past about it?? Does he fall back on the fact he said you can be with other men as some sort of "comfort"? Like he doesn't have to be expected to support you and take the proper role as your fiance because he's let you be with other men? Hmm.

[Pierre]

I find it funny that I have two men in my life who supposedly 'love me so much' but am always alone.

 

No!

 

MM only loves you in the affair bubble which will now shrink to an occasional session of Fridays. As you stated in your post the wife has priority.

 

Your guy does not love you. Your relationship with him is dead. I am sorry to say this, but i don't see how he could love you.

 

Get counseling for your low self esteem and why you are willing to settle for crumbles from these two men. A woman with a healthy self esteem would never consider what you are doing. Leave both men, be single for a couple of years and have intense IC.

[veryhappy]

Do you have a wedding date set? Just how determined are you that he's your future husband?

 

When it comes to ending an affair, you need to be done in order to follow through. You are correct that it is the best thing to do. It hurts a lot nd can take several tries, but it will only hurt more of you stay. MM won't help, because he's got something too good to let go, and his alleged love is not real enough to put your best interest above his selfishness.

[Heather1]

What do you want out of life?? Sounds like you have little support from friends or family & 2 men telling you this is fine. Is there a friend @ work you can talk to? 10 years can turn into 20 REAL fast!!

[Tenacity]

I'm tired to walk around as if I'm in this totally committed relationship (wearing a ring, etc)

 

The thing is, you aren't in a totally committed relationship with your fiance, because you are having an affair and cheating on him and because he asked you to find someone else to have sex with. And, because (I would bet my retirement fund on this) he is also having an affair.

 

Men don't encourage their significant others to have an affair out of generosity and the goodness of their hearts. (In fact, even men who are having an affair of their own don't usually encourage their significant other to do the same thing, so that is REALLY strange and doesn't say much in the way of good things regarding how he feels about you).

 

We've had arguments and I've told him this, let's just end it now, forget you met me, I don't want this guilt that I'm hurting your family and they never did anything to me, focus on your family and kids, but he doesn't want to let go. He wants to keep going how it is, stay happy and not think of the negatives.

 

The other thing is, you don't need MM's permission to end the affair. Just end it.

 

I sure hope you get out of this dysfunctional set of relationships soon. Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

First off, end your engagement with your fiancee. That is over for sure since this A started. Even allowing you with his permission to have a FWB on the side while he's away, is wrong and a lifestyle you'll get used to. I mean, if you are allowed to have someone on the side, does he??? Give that some thought.

 

Anyway, your MM is not leaving his wife. You two are using one another for various reasons and ALL of you are gonna get hurt, most of all his innocent wife and your fiancee.

 

Not sure what your fiancee does to have to be away so much, but obviously you need someone who will be there for you ALL the time. end things with both men since neither of them can fulfill all your needs. Too painful.