Want A Girlfriend/Feeling Torn

[MrCastle]

You have to make a decision, then, based on what you feel you really want and what you are willing to do in return to make things work out. The bolded is definitely a major part of why some of us have/want relationships, but most relationships fail fairly quickly if you're unwilling to put in what I mentioned above.

 

I'm not saying it's not possible for you, just that these things come with tradeoffs and you need to be able to make them.

 

 

 

Solution is still the same, in that case, new social circles.

 

I just want a girl to call my own. I want her to upload pictures of us kissing and use it as her profile pic to annoy people. I want good morning texts. I want good night texts. I want to talk about the world. I want to talk about dreams. I want her to be there for me when I need her, and vice versa. I want to take solace in the fact that I am the only guy she is sleeping with. I want to be able to get mad and let her know that I am mad instead of having to always play the role of the cool guy in order to keep the pussy train rolling like I do now. I want to be able to let my guard down. But it has to be the right woman, and so far, I have not found her, and don't know when I will.

[Els]

I just want a girl to call my own. I want her to upload pictures of us kissing and use it as her profile pic to annoy people. I want good morning texts. I want good night texts. I want to talk about the world. I want to talk about dreams. I want her to be there for me when I need her, and vice versa. I want to take solace in the fact that I am the only guy she is sleeping with. I want to be able to get mad and let her know that I am mad instead of having to always play the role of the cool guy in order to keep the pussy train rolling like I do now. I want to be able to let my guard down. But it has to be the right woman, and so far, I have not found her, and don't know when I will.

 

Well, hey, like Pyro said, it's been all of a week for you. These things take time, and nobody knows when they'll find such a person. IME finding such a person is really rare, that's why some of us go to extraordinary lengths such as LDRs, migration, etc, to keep such a relationship when we find a person like that.

 

FWIW, many of the successful LTRs I know started out as friends, or at least via activities planned by mutual friends. Your 'no female friends' caveat may have helped you in casual dating, but it's more likely to bite you in the butt if you want a LTR.

[MrCastle]

Dude, you don't HAVE to do anything with girls. It's not like someone is holding a gun to your head and you have to choose between banging a bunch of chicks or getting into a relationship.

 

This seems to be getting to you. So maybe you should try some new hobbies and get away from the whole 'chasing girls' thing for a while.

 

Who knows? Maybe you won't have sex for like 6 months and won't even be thinking about it....and then some awesome, attractive, single girls will come along that thinks you're the bees knees.

 

Stranger things have happened.

 

No way. I do have interests and stuff I am passionate about, and that actually helped me become more successful with women, once I stopped thinking about them, but there is no way I can give up what I'm doing now.

 

It is the best I can do at the moment. It's sad but I wanted to be wanted and if that's the only time I can get that feeling, in a limited way, then so be it. I have to keep living this life until she comes along.

 

I can't give up what I'm doing as I know it will only send me into a depression.

 

Right now, I'm at a crossroads. I have had moments in my life where one thing can send me one way or the other in terms of being full out depressed.

 

I've managed to stay the course through various ways. Now I am depressed about lack of real intimacy. I cannot throw away the little intimacy I am getting. That will send me into a spiral and I'll be making threads like "what color shirts do girls who want boyfriends prefer?"

 

It will consume my whole psyche.

[MrCastle]

Well, hey, like Pyro said, it's been all of a week for you. These things take time, and nobody knows when they'll find such a person. IME finding such a person is really rare, that's why some of us go to extraordinary lengths such as LDRs, migration, etc, to keep such a relationship when we find a person like that.

 

FWIW, many of the successful LTRs I know started out as friends, or at least via activities planned by mutual friends. Your 'no female friends' caveat may have helped you in casual dating, but it's more likely to bite you in the butt if you want a LTR.

 

Els, this is the first week I've mentioned it but not the first time I have felt this way.

 

I make my rounds in various threads, denouncing relationships, in part because I can't get one.

 

If you can't join them, beat them. Of course I am going to play up the positives of singledom because that is my life. And the best I can do at this time.

 

As far as the friends thing, I don't know. The way I see it, if I dig a girl physically/emotionally, and she feels the same--why are we starting off as friends? Why are we not dating. You can point to just as many relationships that didn't start off as friends (OLD, cold approaches) as you can ones that did.

[Lani]

Female friends have other female friends... Extending your social circle to include women that you get along with emotionally, but not physically, could lead to more women in your life.

 

At the end of the day, you're only 25 (?). That's still young, you've got so much ahead of you.

 

You'll know when she comes along.

In the meantime, just be open to any relationship that comes your way. It's not about what you know, it's who you know.

[Pyro]

The last couple of times I got physical, it was very cold. I had to actually tell myself things to stay hard as opposed to most guys who try to tell themselves stuff to prevent them from cumming too soon. It was just unattached, unemotional, mechanical sex. I don't know how much more emptiness I can tolerate.

 

The sad part is knowing these girls don't give a f*** about you. You put your clothes on and leave and that's pretty much it. I can't call these girls at 1am to talk about the meaning of life, or where they think they're going to end up in 10 years, or what their dreams are.

 

No way. I do have interests and stuff I am passionate about, and that actually helped me become more successful with women, once I stopped thinking about them, but there is no way I can give up what I'm doing now.

 

It is the best I can do at the moment. It's sad but I wanted to be wanted and if that's the only time I can get that feeling, in a limited way, then so be it. I have to keep living this life until she comes along.

 

I can't give up what I'm doing as I know it will only send me into a depression.

 

I cannot throw away the little intimacy I am getting. That will send me into a spiral and I'll be making threads like "what color shirts do girls who want boyfriends prefer?"

 

It will consume my whole psyche.

 

Sounds like that the kind of physical intimacy that you have gotten as of late is about the same as not having any at all. If you aren't getting fulfillment out of it then you should try another option and stop it for a while. You can't predict right now how you would feel if you stopped with the casual flings, especially flings that you haven't enjoyed as of late.

[MrCastle]

At the end of the day, you're only 25 (?). That's still young, you've got so much ahead of you.

 

People say that, but I see it as, in 5 years, I will be 30. FIVE YEARS!

 

People giggle and say that's a long time, but it really isn't. Five years is rapidly approaching.

 

I don't want to be 30 with the same problem. I keep telling myself, I want it to happen at 25, now, I'm ready for it. But again, you can't push for these things.

 

I'm also coming off a gut punch with a girl who physically cannot be more my type if I drew her myself, and her personality is a carbon copy of mine. She is taken. And it pisses me off

 

I keep telling myself I can and will find better, but this girl is just so awesome, it's hard to believe that right now.

[Els]

Els, this is the first week I've mentioned it but not the first time I have felt this way.

 

I make my rounds in various threads, denouncing relationships, in part because I can't get one.

 

If you can't join them, beat them. Of course I am going to play up the positives of singledom because that is my life. And the best I can do at this time.

 

Ah, I see. In that case, then, all I can say is that it depends on the vibes you give out. You're clearly doing well enough in casual sex/dating, which means that your approaches and personality are tailored to that. You can continue doing things the same way, but if you want something different you may need to change.

 

As far as the friends thing, I don't know. The way I see it, if I dig a girl physically/emotionally, and she feels the same--why are we starting off as friends?

 

Because one of the common ways to get to know someone and connect with them emotionally is as friends.

 

You can point to just as many relationships that didn't start off as friends (OLD, cold approaches) as you can ones that did.

 

This is true. It's generally not a great idea to exclude one entire chunk of possibilities, though, unless you're getting enough success in other ways that you can afford to exclude it. How are cold approaches and OLD working for you in the relationships arena?

[MrCastle]

Ah, I see. In that case, then, all I can say is that it depends on the vibes you give out. You're clearly doing well enough in casual sex/dating, which means that your approaches and personality are tailored to that. You can continue doing things the same way, but if you want something different you may need to change.[/Quote]

 

Another one with "the vibes", oh brother -- HOW DOES MY VIBE AFFECT WHO I MEET IN CLASS/ON THE STREET/ETC?!

 

It doesn't!

 

Now, you can say that maybe my vibes would scare them off if I meet them, but I would have to MEET them first! I am not finding quality single women! All of them are taken! My vibes have nothing to do with that!

 

 

How are cold approaches and OLD working for you in the relationships arena?

 

Unsatisfactory, as you well know.

[KathyM]

I think a lot of people realize, after a string of meaningless encounters with people they have no feelings for, that that lifestyle is really not fulfilling, and they find what they want is someone who actually cares about them, who they can have a meaningful relationship with. Someone to actually love them and have a real relationship with. I think that's why a lot of divorced men tend to remarry soon after their divorce. They get tired very fast of the perpetual first dates, and they realize what makes them happiest is someone who actually loves them and cares about them. You can turn this around from your former player lifestyle, but you're probably going to have to change your social circle. If you've gotten the reputation of being a player, women aren't going to consider you as relationship material. You're going to have to find new venues to find women, and approach them with the attitude of wanting to get to know them, rather than the attitude of making sexual moves on them.

[Lani]

People say that, but I see it as, in 5 years, I will be 30. FIVE YEARS!

 

People giggle and say that's a long time, but it really isn't. Five years is rapidly approaching.

 

I don't want to be 30 with the same problem. I keep telling myself, I want it to happen at 25, now, I'm ready for it. But again, you can't push for these things.

 

I'm also coming off a gut punch with a girl who physically cannot be more my type if I drew her myself, and her personality is a carbon copy of mine. She is taken. And it pisses me off

 

I keep telling myself I can and will find better, but this girl is just so awesome, it's hard to believe that right now.

 

Castle.... I definitely get how you feel.

People say it to me, and I'm 28 this year. That is basically 30. Pretty soon I'll be 40. Then dead. It's hard not to think I have no hope. But my parents didn't get together until my mother was 30, and they're so meant to be together that it's almost sickening.

We all get so caught up in thinking all of this stuff needs to happen as soon as we want it, but you know what? Not much in life does happen as soon as you decide it's what you want, so why should we expect that of love?

 

I think we all need to stop worrying about it so much. As much as it's what we want, we need to accept that it's not something we can make happen.

Just gotta roll with the punches... Enjoy the ride/s in the meantime!

[MrCastle]

You can turn this around from your former player lifestyle, [/Quote]

 

I can assure you, I am not a player.

 

but you're probably going to have to change your social circle. If you've gotten the reputation of being a player, women aren't going to consider you as relationship material. You're going to have to find new venues to find women, and approach them with the attitude of wanting to get to know them, rather than the attitude of making sexual moves on them.

 

If I am trying to land a girl in class (which is where I do my approaching), it doesn't matter if I'm Douchebag Player Guy or Mr. Nice Guy McNiceington Esquire. If she's taken, she's taken.

 

My problem is not available women rejecting me because they think I'm a player, it's me not being able to find available women worthy of my love.

[MrCastle]

Castle.... I definitely get how you feel.

People say it to me, and I'm 28 this year. That is basically 30. Pretty soon I'll be 40. Then dead. It's hard not to think I have no hope. But my parents didn't get together until my mother was 30, and they're so meant to be together that it's almost sickening.

We all get so caught up in thinking all of this stuff needs to happen as soon as we want it, but you know what? Not much in life does happen as soon as you decide it's what you want, so why should we expect that of love?

 

I think we all need to stop worrying about it so much. As much as it's what we want, we need to accept that it's not something we can make happen.

Just gotta roll with the punches... Enjoy the ride/s in the meantime!

 

I think you need to stop making so much sense.

[MrCastle]

You said you're in college.

 

I find it hard to believe that there aren't TONS of attractive, single women all over the place all the time.

 

Believe it dude. Most of the men struggling on this site are also in college.

 

It's not what people think it is. Maybe it was at some point. It's not now.

 

It's not like it is in the movies. Maybe if you go to a big party school but my school is very small. My biggest class has 25 kids. The rest has teens. One of my other classes has 9!

 

And that is a reflection of the school itself, very small population.

 

So, from that population, you need to cut it in half and select women. From women you select single women, from single women you select single women with no kids, from that it's single women, no kids, and wants to be a in a relationship, now from there, physically attractive single women with no kids who want a relationship, and then physically attractive single women with killer personalities with no kids and who want a relationship, and finally--physically attractive single women with killer personalities with no kids who want a relationship with CASTLE.

[Archgirl]

Well God Bless you and thank you for your service.

 

Yeah, I mean, I just don't get why some of us on here have to go above and beyond, while others have stuff fall in their lap.

 

At 25, I have yet to meet 1 friend, successful, semi-successful, or unsuccessful with women, tell me that they approached a girl on the street and got her number.

 

It's just something that has not happened. No one I know has done it.

 

They find all their women through school, work, and mutual friends. That's it.

 

I don't get why that can't be me. Why are they finding these single, quality girls, and when I find them, they are taken.

 

Goes back to luck as I was talking about.

 

My number is bound to come up at some point. Just tired of waiting.

 

It's because you require a deeper emotional and intellectual connection than most people are comfortable with/capable of I think. I think that's why it seems so easy for everyone else, they aren't looking for the same thing you are. So while you wait you get the need filled by a lesser connection with more people - is that sort of it? When you add in wanting real physical chemistry it's worse odds than any lottery. I think you already know there's no really helpful advice anyone can give you or really anything you can do except vent.

But it sucks, and I'm really sorry that you're going through it.

[MrCastle]

It's because you require a deeper emotional and intellectual connection than most people are comfortable with/capable of I think. I think that's why it seems so easy for everyone else, they aren't looking for the same thing you are. So while you wait you get the need filled by a lesser connection with more people - is that sort of it? When you add in wanting real physical chemistry it's worse odds than any lottery. I think you already know there's no really helpful advice anyone can give you or really anything you can do except vent.

But it sucks, and I'm really sorry that you're going through it.

 

Thank you for understanding. Yes I do suppose this thread is more to vent and talk about how much does luck/timing play in finding the mate for you.

 

It turned into me being a player that needs to change his ways. If I stop my player ways, I will meet single quality women. Being a player has led me to only finding women in relationships.

 

But yes, I do require more than the average man, and my standards are high. I don't demand anything I don't already demand in myself. So no drugs, no kids, etc. Other traits I possess that I would also like to see in a mate. And again, they have to also like me as much as I like them. It's not easy, and I don't think it's something you can work towards, which makes it even more lame.

[Lani]

Thank you for understanding. Yes I do suppose this thread is more to vent and talk about how much does luck/timing play in finding the mate for you.

 

It turned into me being a player that needs to change his ways. If I stop my player ways, I will meet single quality women. Being a player has led me to only finding women in relationships.

 

But yes, I do require more than the average man, and my standards are high. I don't demand anything I don't already demand in myself. So no drugs, no kids, etc. Other traits I possess that I would also like to see in a mate. And again, they have to also like me as much as I like them. It's not easy, and I don't think it's something you can work towards, which makes it even more lame.

 

It almost led to that stupid 'if you've slept with too many people, you don't deserve a partner' speech... urghh!

 

Archgirl is on the money here though I think.

 

Hang in there!!

[MrCastle]

It almost led to that stupid 'if you've slept with too many people, you don't deserve a partner' speech... urghh![/Quote]

 

Yeah, hey, I mean, that's fine. Like I said, part of that is my own doing, when people on here, and in real life, would assume I'm sleeping with a new girl every 12 hours, I didn't exactly do all I could to set the record straight.

 

But regardless, even if I am/was a massive manwhore (I'm not) -- what does that have to do with finding single quality women.

 

I just feel like luck plays a major role. For all the talk on here about self improvement, it's still only 50% of the job. The other 50% comes from the people you're meeting. And so far, I'm not liking who I'm meeting.

[Archgirl]

I'm not sure I really agree about you needing to change your player ways, I mean unless you want to. I mean, I don't see why, if you are flirty and naughty and hell keen on sex, why you shouldn't want those qualities in a gf and so behave in a way that will attract chicks like that. Just hopefully one who is also capable of more too.

[KathyM]

I can assure you, I am not a player.

Could have fooled me.

 

 

If I am trying to land a girl in class (which is where I do my approaching), it doesn't matter if I'm Douchebag Player Guy or Mr. Nice Guy McNiceington Esquire. If she's taken, she's taken.

 

My problem is not available women rejecting me because they think I'm a player, it's me not being able to find available women worthy of my love.

Most non-married relationships are temporary. People break up and become available. You have to develop a better social circle, get involved in more activities where you'll meet quality women who are or become available, and present yourself as a quality guy, not some guy that's just interested in chasing as much tail as possible. Show yourself to be a quality guy, expand your social circle to those that are not hook up oriented, and eventually, someone you'd want to date will become available. It's rather like fishing. You have to put out the right bait, go to the right fishing spots, and wait for the better fish to come around. They will eventually.

[sweetkiwi]

I don't think you're a player castle. Unless you lie to women about your intentions or manipulate them with false compliments etc.

 

But I know exactly how you feel. Wanting something real when all that's available is free ass. But I am on the other side of that coin. I gave in to casual sex when I have pretty much resisted my entire sexually active life.

 

Will I meet a quality man while I am having hot dirty sex with a Dom? Nope. Not counting on it. So if or when I am ready I'll need to change things.

 

And so will you. Only being sexual with women may get you sex but not much more. If you want something real be real. Talk about life, hope, your fears and non sexual desires. Expose yourself. This may cause pain more than benefits you in the short term. Unless these women see you as an entire person you will just be a fhuck-stick.

 

And welcome to womanhood. Nice of you to join us softies.

[MrCastle]

I don't think you're a player castle. Unless you lie to women about your intentions or manipulate them with false compliments etc.

 

But I know exactly how you feel. Wanting something real when all that's available is free ass. But I am on the other side of that coin. I gave in to casual sex when I have pretty much resisted my entire sexually active life.

 

Will I meet a quality man while I am having hot dirty sex with a Dom? Nope. Not counting on it. So if or when I am ready I'll need to change things.

 

And so will you. Only being sexual with women may get you sex but not much more. If you want something real be real. Talk about life, hope, your fears and non sexual desires. Expose yourself. This may cause pain more than benefits you in the short term. Unless these women see you as an entire person you will just be a fhuck-stick.

 

And welcome to womanhood. Nice of you to join us softies.

 

Thanks for the support. Yes I often have to explain what a player is. A player is someone who has to lie and deceive to get in a girl's pants. I don't. I charm. I'm real. I don't lie. I don't trick.

 

They understand it's casual and they're fine with it.

 

Except now I'm not fine with it.

[ascendotum]

Get a good nights sleep (after reading your Barney Stinson Bro Code book in bed) and you'll snap out of it tomorrow.

 

I know a number of people here will say it not a case of luck for them because they revamped their image and smoozed a lot of more people, but really for a lot of people luck does play a big role (right place, right time, right mood with the object of their desire being single and open to offers)

[Archgirl]

and it all feels a bit empty huh?

Can I ask something a bit personal? Did this wanting something more happen after you met someone in particular?

[MrCastle]

and it all feels a bit empty huh?

Can I ask something a bit personal? Did this wanting something more happen after you met someone in particular?

 

Yes. Yes it did.