Want A Girlfriend/Feeling Torn

[MrCastle]

I mentioned this last week in the off topic thread, and I do thank those who offered help.

 

Lately I've been feeling lonely. My friends have been busy recently, the new semester started a few weeks ago, and it's been hectic, so I haven't had much time to hang out with my buddies and have been spending a considerable amount of time alone. Alone with my thoughts. It's almost never a good thing, because it leads to over thinking and over analyzing.

 

It came to a head last week when I was snowed in during a blizzard. My friends were asleep, and I had no one to talk to. I was in the mood to have a deep conversation about life, but had no one there to talk to. Sure I have girls that I text, but it's all fluff texting. Smiley faces, dirty talk, that's it. They see me on a purely physical level and that's it. We don't connect on an emotional/personal level. I can't talk to them about life or anything else deep/real.

 

It is because of this that I think I want a girlfriend.

 

Now, I know that is strange coming from me, but in reality, I am feeling lonely and, admittedly, vulnerable. As some of you may know, I've never really had an exclusive relationship. I've always gone from girl to girl for short term flings. It was fun, but I feel a void in my romantic life.

 

I want to have one person who totally gets me. Who not only possesses what I look for physically, but has that killer personality to match. The problem I have is I either find girls that have one or the other, looks or personality, and on the rare occasion they do have both--they are taken.

 

It makes me feel like relationships are nothing more than luck based. The reason we see guys dating girls out of their league (if you believe in leagues) and vice versa is because they were benefactors of time and circumstance. They were in the right place, at the right time.

 

Improving yourself, being more social, etc etc helps you for dating, but not for relationships. If that were the case, I would already have had a girlfriend. You can improve the quantity of women you meet but not the quality. Quality is pure chance, in my opinion.

 

This is frustrating because no matter what I do, I can't improve my chances of landing a girlfriend. You can't plan to have a girlfriend by X day. You can't plan love.

 

One girl I spoke to said that I have to stop giving off the hook up vibe. Girls that meet me only see me as someone to fool around with.

 

While I won't argue that, I still don't see how that matters. If I suddenly changed my attitude, it still won't help put my dream girl in my lap. Every girl I meet that I could see myself dating seriously is taken. I don't understand how changing my attitude would suddenly put me in the presence of single women.

 

At the same time, I still do fear the negative aspects of having a relationship that I've often spoken about on here. So I don't even know if I'm ready to handle a serious relationship.

 

All I know is, I'm tired of being alone. I could have sex with a different girl every week, but it won't fill the void I have in my heart.

 

I want a connection with someone, and I don't know how to get it.

[SJC2008]

I always wonder where the hell people meet?? And it seems like EVERYONE is in a R:( There are single people out there but they are few and far between IMO.

[MrCastle]

I always wonder where the hell people meet?? And it seems like EVERYONE is in a R:( There are single people out there but they are few and far between IMO.

 

I would say every woman I've approached on campus that I could see myself with seriously had a boyfriend.

 

I really do think it's timing. How could it not be?

 

If they met their current bf and me on the same day, and had to make a choice then, I'm pretty confident a good portion would choose me.

 

It sucks because they make that known. They make it pretty clear if they were single, things would be happening. I've had several opportunities to be the other man and have declined every time. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted.

[amaysngrace]

What's your master plan for meeting women? The ones you fluff text now, how did you meet them? The ones that you sleep with, is it a date or just a hook up?

 

Maybe how these encounters start is setting the tone of the relationship you'll have.

[MrCastle]

What's your master plan for meeting women? The ones you fluff text now, how did you meet them? The ones that you sleep with, is it a date or just a hook up?

 

Maybe how these encounters start is setting the tone of the relationship you'll have.

 

I don't know, I meet them through various situations. All socially based as I do not do cold approaches or OLD.

 

The problem is, I meet them, and it becomes pretty clear early on that we have very little, if anything, in common. The only thing that bonds us is sexual attraction. Then that goes on for a little while until one of us does the fade out.

 

On the other hand, the ones that turn me on with their personality, and really give me a good conversation, are always taken. Always.

 

I've yet to find a girl who met all of the following: 1.) Physically attractive 2.) Personally attractive 3.) single 4.) attracted to me

 

They are always missing one of those.

[amaysngrace]

What's a cold approach?

 

If you're meeting them out socially do you mean when you're both drunk?

[mesmerized]

I would say every woman I've approached on campus that I could see myself with seriously had a boyfriend.

 

I really do think it's timing. How could it not be?

 

If they met their current bf and me on the same day, and had to make a choice then, I'm pretty confident a good portion would choose me.

 

It sucks because they make that known. They make it pretty clear if they were single, things would be happening. I've had several opportunities to be the other man and have declined every time. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't tempted.

 

If this is really true, it's just a matter of time until you can find a girl friend. Luck won't be able to stop you for too long.

[MrCastle]

Bingo! It's not like men who run their lives the way you have been will be taken anymore seriously than women who do this. This is a situation you've created and perpetuated for yourself. If you really want a girlfriend, your first step should be to stop whoring around. Women know how to identify and distinguish the players from the keepers. You, and only you, set the tone.

 

This is what I don't understand though. How does that influence the women I meet?

 

Let's say I'm whoring myself around, meet a girl in class that would make me want to drop every other girl and form a relationship with her, but she's taken.

 

Okay, now let's say I change my whorish ways, meet a girl in class that would make me want to drop every other girl and form a relationship with her--suddenly she's single now? Because I'm no longer a whore? No. She's still taken like she was in example one. Who I am plays no part on whether they are single or not.

[MrCastle]

What's a cold approach?

 

If you're meeting them out socially do you mean when you're both drunk?

 

Cold approach = approaching strangers in the street, striking up a conversation with them and getting their number.

 

No, I don't get drunk. I basically just meet girls through school, or friends of friends, etc. They are down to hook up but don't want to settle down. Even if they did want to settle down, their personalities are such that I wouldn't want to be with them long term. The ones I want to be long term with are all sewn up.

[SJC2008]

This is what I don't understand though. How does that influence the women I meet?

 

Let's say I'm whoring myself around, meet a girl in class that would make me want to drop every other girl and form a relationship with her, but she's taken.

 

Okay, now let's say I change my whorish ways, meet a girl in class that would make me want to drop every other girl and form a relationship with her--suddenly she's single now? Because I'm no longer a whore? No. She's still taken like she was in example one. Who I am plays no part on whether they are single or not.

 

Don't buy into the women have "radar" BS. Unless a guy is dumb and says he's a player or brags to women about hiting and quiting she'll have NO idea. The ONLY thing a woman can "read" better than a man is body language, it's a proven fact. TBS I know you don't lead women on so I wasn't refering to you MC.

 

I do have to ask you about the man/women ratio where you live. Some women make it sound so easy for a man to get sex in NYC that all the R girls are single. Is it THAT much of an advantage?

[xxoo]

This is what I don't understand though. How does that influence the women I meet?

 

Let's say I'm whoring myself around, meet a girl in class that would make me want to drop every other girl and form a relationship with her, but she's taken.

 

Okay, now let's say I change my whorish ways, meet a girl in class that would make me want to drop every other girl and form a relationship with her--suddenly she's single now? Because I'm no longer a whore? No. She's still taken like she was in example one. Who I am plays no part on whether they are single or not.

 

Maybe your behavior is turning off the women available for relationships, such that they don't connect with you and you don't recognize the potential. If they see you as bad news, they'll wall you out.

[MrCastle]

Don't buy into the women have "radar" BS. Unless a guy is dumb and says he's a player or brags to women about hiting and quiting she'll have NO idea. The ONLY thing a woman can "read" better than a man is body language, it's a proven fact. TBS I know you don't lead women on so I wasn't refering to you MC.

 

I do have to ask you about the man/women ratio where you live. Some women make it sound so easy for a man to get sex in NYC that all the R girls are single. Is it THAT much of an advantage?

 

To my knowledge men don't have a dating edge anywhere. Yes, I believe women outnumber men but again, that's quantity. You could show me 100 single girls and none are my type. It's that 1 in 100 I want, but she's taken. There is no advantage.

[Bito]

Have you ever considered asking the underlying question. Why would having a girlfriend whom you connect with will make you happy?

 

It might sound silly but really consider why you think you need a meaningful connection with someone in order to be happy.

 

As you say before it is not something you can force nor is it something you can plan so why would you place your overall personal happiness on its success?

 

I have read some of your posts and something you said before stuck out to me. You said Women are your life. Why is this? What about women do you find so fascinating other then whats between their legs?

 

Life has so much more to offer. What is your goal? What do you aspire?

[MrCastle]

Maybe your behavior is turning off the women available for relationships, such that they don't connect with you and you don't recognize the potential. If they see you as bad news, they'll wall you out.

 

The women I know who are available for relationships are available for a reason. At least for me. I don't want them. Or I do, but they don't want me. When you think about it, it's damn hard to find a partner. Like I said, not only does there have to be physical AND personality attraction, BUT they have to be single AND be as attracted to you as you are to them.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe before you were throwing a vibe that you were only looking to hook up but now through some soul-searching and the realization that you do, indeed, want more, maybe the vibe you'll throw out now will be different.

 

It could also be your cold approach though. Do you leave them thinking "what a nice guy" or leave them with "he just wants to bone me"?

 

Also you kind of seem way into yourself. The only girls who will be attracted to that are the ones who are way into themselves, you know, the ones you say lack personality?

 

But if you could show a more tender side of yourself, I think that's a great place to start.

[xxoo]

The women I know who are available for relationships are available for a reason. At least for me. I don't want them. Or I do, but they don't want me. When you think about it, it's damn hard to find a partner. Like I said, not only does there have to be physical AND personality attraction, BUT they have to be single AND be as attracted to you as you are to them.

 

It is hard.

 

But as Monica said, most of these relationships will end. Most of the women you do like will be single again, many within a few months.

 

If they know you as irresistible, good guy, you'll have a good chance to pounce when they are single. If they know you as the town bicycle, maybe not.

 

My H and I were both dating others when we met. 6 months later, we were both single......

[Ninjainpajamas]

It sounds like you've dug in too deep to the man you created and lived by, and now you don't really know how to get yourself out of it.

 

You've definitely got to be able to open yourself up emotionally and connect with the women you are with beyond a physical level, I believe you have to be able to accomplish that first...how do you think this is going to hit you when you're in a relationship and all of this comes to surface? you're going to have a hard time being vulnerable and exposed, and your relationship will suffer and have a distance between it.

 

Relationships are a different dynamic because the real person comes out beyond the facade or surface level. Once you start getting to know women on a personal level...where they're from, what they've been through, what they've experienced in life...you're going to be surprised by how the judgment of these women can change. A lot of time women just go with the flow, they do things based on how the man engages and handles things.

 

Personally I'm more a relationship guy, hooking up for me is too simplistic and simple. I've always been the guy who's wanted more and desired more depth and complexity, once something is simple and figured out for me I get extremely bored...and even a naked girl wouldn't be all that enticing, it just doesn't get me going easily like a lot of men, there has to be more, and maybe that's because I'm used to getting to know women on different levels as I am not ever seen as the just have fun kind of guy...well not typically, I'm typically the "potential" guy because I have more depth, relationship qualities and desirable traits that women generally seek in men.

 

So I think for you, you've got to start seeing yourself differently and acting like it. People take things at face value, they see you always flirty, sexy talk, and you're so engrained in the hookup lifestyle that you don't even realize all the things you do that give off that vibe. You've got to be careful because when you want to change something after you've been doing it for a while, it can be hard to change the little things that tell women you're not the guy that should be taken seriously.

 

As far as not being able to meet women you would desire a relationship with, that seems highly unlikely, I think this has to do with the way you judge or size women up...I think there's something to this, you like the taken woman for some reason, you enjoy the way she acts and behaves differently than the hookup women. Maybe they're more modest and respectable, whereas the single ladies give off keen interest and available vibes...maybe you just like a challenge to an extent.

 

Have you thought about what exactly is it that you think defines these women differently than the ones you hook up with? beyond the physical attraction and personality compatibility, is there anything beyond that? what don't you like about these other women in particular? what do you like about the women that are taken? what is it that usually gravitates you towards the women you want relationships with to be specific?

 

The vibes I'm getting from you is that you are secretly a pretty vulnerable and in some ways insecure guy. You stick with what you're comfortable with, you don't challenge yourself because you're afraid of what you might look like or how you might be judged. I think you're going for women that have a clear interest in you because it doesn't take much of an effort, the situation is already guaranteed. I don't think you're really pursuing women you are really interested and see as "quality" because of your own personal fears and insecurities.

 

I think in this world right now you are in and have created for yourself...you're a cool, confident and attractive guy that knows how to pull the strings on the ladies. As long as you are in your element you're just fine, you already know the score, you've already broken it down to a science. But I think you're afraid to step out of the box because of the uncertainty, I believe you might want to open up and be more emotional to the women you see, but either afraid to be judged, feel like they wouldn't understand without giving them a chance or that they'd think differently about you.

 

If you want to change, you've got to do some reflecting and figure out what you really want and what kind of man you're really trying to be. What is it beyond what you're just looking for in a woman and what it is you're actually trying to fulfill in yourself...what in it is really missing for you, what is this void that you feel and where does it come from....since you've got time to think. You're growing up, getting a bit older an the same old distractions aren't quite doing it for you anymore....that's normal and you've got to be able to challenge yourself out of your comfort zone to evolve.

 

I think you also desire someone to connect to and talk to right now, so try and open up to one of these women you are being intimate with and see where the conversation takes you. Try being a bit vulnerable, step out of the box, let yourself feel judged or even ridiculed...you've got to be comfortable with this dynamic and I speak from that perspective with a great deal of experience. I came from a background of men who's philosophy was never to be sensitive, always be tough and never show emotion...I really had to go against the grain because I looked at them and decided they weren't the kind of men I wanted to be...I thought they were strong, but I realized they were just afraid of their own emotions and vulnerable and at least for me...that wasn't good enough, I thought "men" weren't supposed to be scared of anything, so why am I scared to talk about the way I feel? am I not strong enough to take the criticism and judgment of others while still maintaining my confidence? that was the goal for me in my early to mid 20's...I've always raised the stakes and never let myself get comfortable as a man.

 

Hopefully some of that helps and clicks for you...I think in your journey for finding and even meeting the right woman, I think you need to be more emotionally prepared and open, maybe you wouldn't know how to be the guy you wanted to be once you are in a relationship? You've got to start by being expressive and vulnerable, if you really want to connect with a woman you've got to be able to open that door....that alone will separate you from at least 80 percent of the other men in the world, without being one of those sensitive nice guys...don't worry about that, you've got to have faith in your strength.

 

Don't do things for women....do things for yourself as a man and the rest will follow...things will change.

[MrCastle]

Maybe before you were throwing a vibe that you were only looking to hook up but now through some soul-searching and the realization that you do, indeed, want more, maybe the vibe you'll throw out now will be different.

 

It could also be your cold approach though. Do you leave them thinking "what a nice guy" or leave them with "he just wants to bone me"?

 

Also you kind of seem way into yourself. The only girls who will be attracted to that are the ones who are way into themselves, you know, the ones you say lack personality?

 

But if you could show a more tender side of yourself, I think that's a great place to start.

 

I am not way into myself. Perhaps it is hard to determine my real posts from my sarcastic ones, but I am not as into myself as some on here may think. I have a healthy sense of self confidence.

 

Again though, who I am has no bearing on who I'm meeting. If I suddenly become a bleeding heart softie that doesn't mean my classes next semester will all be filled with single women whom I'd like to enter a relationship with.

 

Aside from that, and to address Ninja's post--I was writing poems for girls I wasn't even dating. I've been friend zoned more times than I'd like to admit. I've done the wearing your heart on your sleeves thing. That doesn't equate success.

 

I'd rather be hooking up with decent chicks with no relationship in sight like I am now, than go back to nothing.

Edited February 18, 2013 by MrCastle

[amaysngrace]

I didn't mean to offend you by saying that you seem way into yourself, it's just that you kind of do. I don't know you other than what you post on here but I do know you're smart and funny and good looking and I think you know that too.

 

If you've already struck a balance of knowing your attributes as well as your limitations that's great. I just never had gotten that impression from you.

 

But you are likable. Very. Which is why I'm thinking you may be sending out a vibe that you aren't even aware of. And like does attract like.

 

I want good things for you Castle. I hope you know that.

[Ruby Slippers]

You sound scared and full of doubt, which I think is normal.

 

I think it's a very good sign you're thinking about this. You're growing up, starting to ask more of yourself. That will lead good places.

[MrCastle]

I didn't mean to offend you by saying that you seem way into yourself, it's just that you kind of do. I don't know you other than what you post on here but I do know you're smart and funny and good looking and I think you know that too.

 

If you've already struck a balance of knowing your attributes as well as your limitations that's great. I just never had gotten that impression from you.

 

But you are likable. Very. Which is why I'm thinking you may be sending out a vibe that you aren't even aware of. And like does attract like.

 

I want good things for you Castle. I hope you know that.

 

No offense taken. I'm just saying; common perception on here is that I am a womanizing sleazebag. Now part of that may be my own doing, and living up a persona that may not be totally me; but I don't mistreat women.

 

A guy who mistreats women doesn't write poems for them, and (more recently) turn then down when they're taken and proposition me for sex.

 

Good looking is subjective, but yes, I am aware of my positives. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm loyal. I'm a lot of things. My issue is I'm not finding women worth showing that to.

[todreaminblue]

i think what is really attractive about a guy is....he is sure of where he is at.....a guy who goes out of his way to help others for no personal gain other than to be there ...and he makes time for that......calm determined and stand sup fro what he believes in....and is willing to stand up for others and what they believe in......these are just extra special dream traits....on a guy who doesnt consider himself to be special.....he just is special....and that to me will always stand out in a crowd of men....rock that white tshirt castle....be strong in the fact you know what you can give and what deserve to get back......you do deserve someone special everyone does.....but only if they can be that special back..that to me separates the men from the boys who havent matured yet........deb

[MrCastle]

You sound scared and full of doubt, which I think is normal.

 

I think it's a very good sign you're thinking about this. You're growing up, starting to ask more of yourself. That will lead good places.

 

Yes, thank you, honestly. But that doesn't solve the issue of the girlfriend.

 

No one is going to argue that it is almost purely a matter of time and circumstance?

[amaysngrace]

My issue is I'm not finding women worth showing that to.

 

You need to read what ninja pjs wrote and really let it sink in. He makes a lot of sense.

[MrCastle]

You need to read what ninja pjs wrote and really let it sink in. He makes a lot of sense.

 

I will reply to his post in it's entirety now.