Still messed up from a 4 month relationship? 3 Months Later

February 17, 2013

She (23F) broke up with me (26M) in November.

NC since day one. December and January were easily the two worst months of my entire life. I had no desire to do anything, and sank into a depression. I tried to be proactive about healing, I would go out with my friends, put her things away out of sight, blocked her on all social media, etc. I have even been out with a new girl once or twice since then.

The thing is, in the back of my mind, she's constantly there. I miss her alot and I know contacting her would cause more pain, so i continue to stay NC. I understand that there is no standard healing time as each person is different. I have made some progress compared to a couple months ago for sure. I don't cry anymore, and I even find myself not thinking about her for hours at a time on some days.

Any particular reason why a breakup from a 3 month relationship has sent me into a depression? I am currently taking Paxil to help take the edge off of the depression as well as have been seeing a therapist. Nothing seems to help but time I suppose. Everything seems like one big chore and the mornings are def. the hardest.

She contacted me about one week after the breakup to retrieve some things and then again at about the 5 or 6 week mark to see how I was doing and wanted to be friends (breadcrumbs). The second time she made contact really messed me up for about a week or two after as simply seeing her name in my inbox was a visual trigger that set me back pretty severely.

Anyways, besides that I haven't heard heard a peep from her and it has now have spent the same amount of time apart as were together for..So why aren't I over it? My theory is that sometimes the shorter, intense relationships are the toughest to recover from as we were still in the "honeymoon" stage when we split and I didn't have any negatives to focus on. (Besides the fact that she didn't want to be with me).

Does time actually help? I have heard that sometimes, depending on the circumstances of the breakup, it can take double the length of the relationship to fully heal. Can anyone validate that? I just want to be normal again. I have allowed my breakup to affect my undergrad, things at work, as well as my sanity. Some help would be appreciated.

February 17, 2013

Dear Carlwinslow,

I cried while reading your message. I hope you get the strength to overcome this. You must move on, and try to find a new love.

I agree with you in that short relationship breakups are really hard. I have unimaginable pain right now, only 8 days post break up, and I dont see any light. I spend my days in bed, crying and remembering, and wondering why....My grades are being affected also, and I have to forget to transfer this fall.

I encourage you to meet other girls. Try meetme, that keeps me busy sometimes (although he's registered too, but Im not his friend)

Good luck to you, hope you can restore the happiness of your life soon

February 17, 2013

You know, sometimes I wonder it too. Sometimes I wonder 'what if that person was the love of my live?' maybe I wasn't the one for her, but she was for me. What would happen then? A lifetime of mourning? The problem is that there are people who actually live like this. I'm sure everyone of us knows at least one person, for example, who is stuck in a divorce and 2/5/10 years later is still thinking about the other.

I hope to not be one of them..

February 18, 2013

Anyways, besides that I haven't heard heard a peep from her and it has now have spent the same amount of time apart as were together for..So why aren't I over it? My theory is that sometimes the shorter, intense relationships are the toughest to recover from as we were still in the "honeymoon" stage when we split and I didn't have any negatives to focus on. (Besides the fact that she didn't want to be with me).

I am in the exact same boat as you carlwinslow. I got out of a 3 and half month relationship a few days after Christmas and I still am constantly thinking about her and having it effect my daily life. I think you are right that part of the difficulty getting over our ex's is because of still being in the "honeymoon" stage. I know with experiencing the holiday season with her and doing typical holiday stuff (meeting family, friends/co-workers, spending Christmas Eve and morning with each other) I thought we were progressing to not just being in a relationship but into a serious relationship. So at this point all my fears of, "I hope she likes me as much as I like her," had completely faded away and I was in fact looking forward to the future (her future gigs, Valentines Day, and our 6 month anniversary:sick:). I realized at that point I was actually falling in love with this girl and when she blind sided me with the BU I was completely devastated and actually still am.

I think it's completely normal to still be effected 3 months later after being in only 4 month relationship because I'm right there with you. Keep your head up buddy! It will eventually get better!

February 18, 2013

I can somehow imagine what are you going through mate.

Hang in there.

Similar story, (8 months, no relationship, but with all the characteristics of a relationship)

5 months NC now,

I think you are right about short term relationships about the honeymoon etc. Also, because you can't imagine how it would be if it was longer and most of the time, you don't have an actual reason to believe that it wouldn't work anyway (i.e. something she was doing and really bothered you). You only can think that she left for any reason, and although is a good reason, you can't accept it easily, cause of your ego.

If this can make you feel better, after 5 months, i really really feel much better, i noticed that at about 3.5 - 4 months. But i tried a lot. NC from the first day like you, working out, reading, travelling to friends at other cities (this one is really good, you change your routine, you see new places, you meet new people, nothing reminds you of your old life). I am less emotional attached, but i don't know why, these 2 last days, i think of her a lot more than the normal and for a longer time..

But generally i am happy, you may be too, i really wish and hope this

For now you should just think that you didn't make something really wrong. And you don't have to contact her. She broke it, if someone should make the contact, she sure must be that person.

Don't worry, better days are closer than you can imagine

February 18, 2013

Thank you all for the love. It's good to know that I'm not alone and I know you all can get through this.

This is truly the hardest thing I've ever experienced, and I don't think the winter/holidays have been helping either. I feel if the weather was nicer the healing process could have been expedited as I could get out more to keep my mind off of things.

I'm assuming continuing NC is the best way here? I am past holding out hope of a reconciliation but I feel as if I won't feel truly happy again until I'm able to see her. I would like to reach out to her simply to see how she is doing as there is no bad blood there. I feel as if a window is closing on any opportunity of a friendship in the future if I don't initiate contact soon. I'm aware of the pain it would cause me to see/hear from her though so I won't be doing this.

Has anyone ever had success with moving on after breaking NC for closure or to see their ex? Is it even possible?

I can't thank you enough for the kind responses and hope to get some more feedback.

February 18, 2013

Oh, no, not closure, forget it, that will only open the wounds, and you will have to start from zero again. Be strong and stick to the NC, she must have found another guy by now and you dont really want to see her happy while you're feeling like crap, right?

February 18, 2013

Thank you all for the love. It's good to know that I'm not alone and I know you all can get through this.

This is truly the hardest thing I've ever experienced, and I don't think the winter/holidays have been helping either. I feel if the weather was nicer the healing process could have been expedited as I could get out more to keep my mind off of things.

I'm assuming continuing NC is the best way here? I am past holding out hope of a reconciliation but I feel as if I won't feel truly happy again until I'm able to see her. I would like to reach out to her simply to see how she is doing as there is no bad blood there. I feel as if a window is closing on any opportunity of a friendship in the future if I don't initiate contact soon. I'm aware of the pain it would cause me to see/hear from her though so I won't be doing this.

Has anyone ever had success with moving on after breaking NC for closure or to see their ex? Is it even possible?

I can't thank you enough for the kind responses and hope to get some more feedback.

I, like many others here broke NC in the hopes of preserving a friendship (I was the dumpee). I broke it several times with no response or an inconsiderate response. When I went complete NC (and he wasn't have much luck with the ladies) he text me after a few weeks that he wanted us to "hang out", that he "missed" me. I agreed and low and behold he used me for sex making it appear as though he was genuinely interested in getting back together. Truth is, he never considered me a friend, I was merely a vagina to him.

I told him off and have been NC since then, May of last yr. I got my closure but also was hurt quite badly by choosing to respond to his text. In hindsight I should have remained NC from the moment we broke up.

I have since moved on, am very happy as a single independent woman. It happens very quickly when you completely go NC and make a decision to not look back.

Stay NC, it works.

February 18, 2013

I'm assuming continuing NC is the best way here? I am past holding out hope of a reconciliation but I feel as if I won't feel truly happy again until I'm able to see her. I would like to reach out to her simply to see how she is doing as there is no bad blood there. I feel as if a window is closing on any opportunity of a friendship in the future if I don't initiate contact soon. I'm aware of the pain it would cause me to see/hear from her though so I won't be doing this.

carlwinslow I am struggling with the same fear with my ex. The last time we spoke was a couple of days after the breakup and she offered the olive branch of friendship during the conversation and asked if she could contact me in the next few weeks to check up on me and maybe to hangout. I told her that I would very much like that BUT it was for the best if she didn't because I wasn't ready to be just friends. I told her that I would contact her when I was ready and that was over 7 weeks ago. I am no where near thinking of her as just a friend so I continue to have this internal struggle between contacting her because I fear if I don't do it soon I will lose her from my life completely (even though she already is gone) and to continue NC to help myself get over her completely so one day maybe we can be friends.

I've also recently tried to look at it this way. If my ex is as a good as a person as I truly believe her to be she will completely understand that I'm going NC not because I don't care for her or want to be her friend at some point I'm rather doing it because she hurt me and I'm trying to heal so maybe one day we could get to the point of friendship. Just some food for thought....

February 20, 2013

I just find it concerning that it's still affecting my daily life 10 weeks after the fact. The relationship only lasted 3 months. Is this considered normal at all? I still cry, I can barely get out of bed to go to work. I don't enjoy doing anything. I have been taking Paxil (an anti depressant) since Friday, but all it does it upset my stomach.

I'm hoping this is one of those temporary setbacks that happen 2 1/2 months into the breakup as I've heard this is common around this time.

I have no plans on breaking NC but some days think that just being able to speak to her will be the fix I need to feel better. NC doesn't work for everyone, right? Any words of advice, or really anything would be helpful.

February 20, 2013

I just find it concerning that it's still affecting my daily life 10 weeks after the fact. The relationship only lasted 3 months. Is this considered normal at all? I still cry, I can barely get out of bed to go to work. I don't enjoy doing anything. I have been taking Paxil (an anti depressant) since Friday, but all it does it upset my stomach.

I'm hoping this is one of those temporary setbacks that happen 2 1/2 months into the breakup as I've heard this is common around this time.

I have no plans on breaking NC but some days think that just being able to speak to her will be the fix I need to feel better. NC doesn't work for everyone, right? Any words of advice, or really anything would be helpful.

Carlwinslow,

I can totally relate to your situation. Mine was a short relationship as well (only 5 1/2 months) and ended in very early Dec. I think short relationship BU's are harder to deal with because you are in the honeymoon phase as you said and when feelings start to develop you fall even harder as you're exploring new things with a freshly new person still.

If it makes you feel any better, I too have had a very difficult time with my situation despite the fact that it has been such a short relationship and I have been staying NC for 10 weeks now.

Today for example it has been a very rough roller coaster ride at work where my feelings have gone from very sad, to angry, indifferent then sad again. I haven't cried in months but I did last night for a sec (perhaps stress with school and work isn't helping either)

I think it's possible to actually go through these feelings and grieve even longer than the relationship itself. It's like getting your dream car and getting into a car accident right after. You will still have withdrawals about about the dream car for a while. Don't think you're the only one, I sure as feel the same way and even wondered the same thing before - How can such a short relationship hurt me more than my previous 1-1/2 yr relationship.

Only thing I can tell you is to be strong. You can't let this be the last chapter of your life. I read your first post on here last month and you mentioned about how sometimes you feel like you wanted to end life. I get what you mean when feeling so down and depressed but sooner or later you are gonna start to and realize perhaps this was not worth the headache and time.

Life goes on and you are too young ( I too am 26) to be worrying about what it was and what it could have been. Grieve and cry if you have to but don't dwell on it for months and years like she's the only person left on earth. This is truly how you should look at it in the end of the day - 'The big picture'

Someone that really wants to be with you is not going to walk out on you. There are people on here that have been cheated on (still not right) and stayed still working on their relationship.

There might be many reasons why your ex walked out. The truth is (In my opinion at least) it actually takes more than just a couple of small arguments for someone to walk away completely. Usually it's either an outside source such as another partner, GIGS, or even pressure from friends and family telling this person he/she can do better. On the other hand, it takes a lot for a relationship to end in good terms and be friends afterwards. If you have feelings for her, say goodbye to being friends.

You will never know the real reason but you have to come to terms with that. Maybe it's even better you don't know as much from the actual reason as to why things ended the way they did. Some people here got all kinds of reasons (most of them BS reasons) from their ex's and truly messed with their feelings and kept them on a leash for months.

Bottom line is the closure you are trying to get is not going to come from her and you shouldn't count on it.

Do not think of contacting her unless you are prepared to be hurt again and go back to day one. Trust US when we tell you this. All of us want to contact our ex's and open up to them letting them know we still love them but this theory only works on a broken heart that wants to be healed and comfort not the 'selfish' dumpers that request the space to walk away.

Your main goal right now is to work on yourself. Get your eating habit going first. Talk to people, girls or anything that will keep you motivated.

I know you think it might be hard because you don't have any negative things to grabs on about your ex but in all true honesty, I don't think it would matter. I have all kinds of negative things to say about my ex, from lying to infidelity and it hasn't helped me feel any better.

You need to recognize that it's going to require time and a lot of mental control on your behalf. Be glad she hasn't thrown any breadcrumbs and be glad she walked out on you later thru the years when you could of possibly had kids and a mortgage together.

Keep your head up and face this situation head on.

Time to hold on tight because it's going to be a bumpy ride.

...sh*t I typed too much

February 20, 2013

Carlwinslow,

I can totally relate to your situation. Mine was a short relationship as well (only 5 1/2 months) and ended in very early Dec. I think short relationship BU's are harder to deal with because you are in the honeymoon phase as you said and when feelings start to develop you fall even harder as you're exploring new things with a freshly new person still.

If it makes you feel any better, I too have had a very difficult time with my situation despite the fact that it has been such a short relationship and I have been staying NC for 10 weeks now.

Today for example it has been a very rough roller coaster ride at work where my feelings have gone from very sad, to angry, indifferent then sad again. I haven't cried in months but I did last night for a sec (perhaps stress with school and work isn't helping either)
I think it's possible to actually go through these feelings and grieve even longer than the relationship itself. It's like getting your dream car and getting into a car accident right after. You will still have withdrawals about about the dream car for a while. Don't think you're the only one, I sure as feel the same way and even wondered the same thing before - How can such a short relationship hurt me more than my previous 1-1/2 yr relationship.

Love the dream car metaphor NoLeafClover. Spot on!

I really believe the combination of being in the honeymoon phase and being totally blindsided by the BU is what has done a number on us carlwinslow. You go from an extreme high to an extreme low in a matter of a few sentences (in my case, "I can't be your girlfriend any more....I lack a "spark" for you....I don't want to hurt you later on if I'm never going to feel the same way that I know you feel about me. OUCH!) It really messes with our confidence/self esteem and fills us with the doubt about any future relationship being able to work out since the one that just ended seemed to be "perfect." Obviously that is not true at all.

I agree to sticking to the NC. Some people can handle LC but I know I am not one of those people.

Sign In

Still messed up from a 4 month relationship? 3 Months Later

Recommended Posts

carlwinslow

Chloe1980

Bando89

StraylightRun24

Waz

carlwinslow

Chloe1980

sweetheart5381

StraylightRun24

carlwinslow

NoLeafClover

StraylightRun24

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...