sillychick Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 Hello! Haven't posted in a while. Sorry this is so long! I was in a relationship of sorts with a guy back in 2011. I met him OLD, he was newly separated when we met and he told me up front he couldn't do a serious relationship, etc. We hung out, did a lot of things together (movies, concerts, beach, boating), we were like best friends for a long time, I fell in love with him (and I think he fell in love too, but we never talked about it). His divorce got difficult and he started to distance himself from me. We didn't see each other for about 6 months but he would e-mail me 1-2 times a month during that time to check in to see how I was doing. I moved on. I dated other people, etc. It was tough but he was honest with me about what he could do so I knew I needed to move on. So during most of 2012 we had a very strained friendship I would call it. We started to do lunch, dinner, beach in the summer. It was like the attraction was there for both of us and we were trying to navigate being friends, but it was tough and sometimes a little awkward. I know this doesn't make sense but we would still have so much fun together. He would say things to me like 'you're a keeper but I have no place to keep you', 'I wish I could put you on a shelf until I was ready for you'. He said to me 'you know I love you, I just can't go from one marriage into another marriage'. I told him I wasn't asking him to marry me (never asked him for anything actually) and he said 'I know, but we would be so good together'. He once said 'I don't know what I want, but I know I don't want you to go anywhere'. The guy is confused about life, where he's going after a 20 year relationship with his stbx, what he wants, etc., etc. His divorce is about to be final (finally!!). We are both online dating. Last week he saw my profile and he writes me an e-mail and says 'I just looked at your profile, you are so beautiful. Why am I not dating you?' and I told him it was because he was stupid, and we both kinda laughed about it. I don't initiate ANY contact with him but when he texts, calls or e-mails I respond. I hear from him once or twice a week. He's checking in. He sometimes will just text and say "I'm thinking about you and wanted to say hi". Sometimes he will hear a song that reminds him of me and he will send me the link to the song on Youtube. He will text to tell me a funny joke. He will simply say 'How are you?'. On and on. We have not slept together since 2011. We get together about every other month for dinner and drinks, and it's fun but yet kinda awkward because we're trying to be friends but the chemistry is still there. The last time we went out (last week) the waitress called me his wife on accident. I am dating others and would LOVE to meet someone who takes my mind off of him because I honestly don't think we will ever be together. I can't seem to connect with anyone but I am trying. I went on 2 dates this weekend actually. One first date (no connection) and one second date (the guy is emotionally unavailable) and I have a first phone date tonight with a new guy. So I am trying. Anyway. This guy does not want to be in a relationship right now with me or anyone else. It would be so much easier if he would just stop contacting me all together but I love him so it's hard to cut him off and go NC. I love him as a person, he's such a great guy. I wish we met at a different time. He's never sexual or inappropriate. So it's not like he's keeping me around for that. What is his deal? Is he keeping me on a string hoping that I will be available when he is ready? And do any of you even think that's possible? I always think if you love someone enough and in the right way, you would be too afraid to lose them to someone else to keep your distance. Would love to hear your thoughts.
Casablanca Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 He is probably keeping you around until he is ready No matter how hard it is, go NC 1
Author sillychick Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 I agree I think I should do that. I often wonder if the reason I haven't connected with anyone is because I always have this guy in the back of my mind. I have had a handful of short 'relationships' but nothing that gets my mind off of him. What I can't figure out is if people really do that? Try to keep someone on a string until they are 'ready'. This concept is hard for me to grasp, I think. Because I can't see myself doing it I guess. If I liked (loved?) someone that much, even if I wasn't ready for a serious relationship it would be so hard to let that person go and hope someone else didn't sweep them off their feet in the meantime. Thanks so much for your response!
Casablanca Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I agree I think I should do that. I often wonder if the reason I haven't connected with anyone is because I always have this guy in the back of my mind. I have had a handful of short 'relationships' but nothing that gets my mind off of him. What I can't figure out is if people really do that? Try to keep someone on a string until they are 'ready'. This concept is hard for me to grasp, I think. Because I can't see myself doing it I guess. If I liked (loved?) someone that much, even if I wasn't ready for a serious relationship it would be so hard to let that person go and hope someone else didn't sweep them off their feet in the meantime. Thanks so much for your response! People do it because they like having a backup plan in case something else doesnt work. Or they want to be single for a while or play the field. It is natural to an extent to want a fallback, but I really dont think anyone truly cares about someone they string along 1
todreaminblue Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I agree I think I should do that. I often wonder if the reason I haven't connected with anyone is because I always have this guy in the back of my mind. I have had a handful of short 'relationships' but nothing that gets my mind off of him. What I can't figure out is if people really do that? Try to keep someone on a string until they are 'ready'. This concept is hard for me to grasp, I think. Because I can't see myself doing it I guess. If I liked (loved?) someone that much, even if I wasn't ready for a serious relationship it would be so hard to let that person go and hope someone else didn't sweep them off their feet in the meantime. Thanks so much for your response! sometimes fear of the unknown holds people back.......i get almost mind numbing fear when it comes to falling for someone......but.....i jump kamikaze style......with a i really like you....as more than a friend...it takes all my focus to do this......so i guess i have massive issues....i dont do it unless i know i am ready for a relationship even though my head is telling me you are going to eat dust if you do this......and yeah i ate dust ...i dont regret doing it........i dont think anyone should go into a relationship if they are not ready so if being ready is stringing someone along......i actually feel its the opposite....i feel it shows the ability to discern whether you would be wasting someones time or not..before it gets too deep and too hurtful or both so you take it slow and go when your heart is ready to go .....in spite of worry or fear...its the heart that pushes you to act and ...kamikaaaaazeeee....my emoticon with sunglasses is missing again so ill just say smilin atcha.........deb 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 17, 2013 Posted February 17, 2013 I've never dated a divorced guy, but a lot of more experienced women on this forum talk about how guys are not ready for anything serious before at least 2 years after the divorce (probably the same for divorced women). If it were me, I would go No Contact and move on to available men. If he comes back around in a couple of years and you're both single, you can see. But nothing's happening in the near future, and being in touch with him is probably just confusing, distracting. 1
Author sillychick Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 Thank you guys for your replies. Agreed!! It's so hard to do what you know you need to do. Especially when I don't think the guy is doing anything intentionally to hurt me. But I know he has a LONG road to go before he is ready for anything. Best case scenario is that I move along and if in the future he comes back, either I will be with someone who I love (winning) or I will be free and we'll both be more ready for something more real (winning). That's really ideal. But he's such a nice guy I think I'm going to have a hard time going no contact and/or just telling him that I need to move on and since he can't offer me anything right now that I need him to respect that. But I know that's what I need to do since I think I'm not really available to meet someone else emotionally until I close this chapter. Thanks again!! 2
Author sillychick Posted February 17, 2013 Author Posted February 17, 2013 It is natural to an extent to want a fallback, but I really dont think anyone truly cares about someone they string along I believe this to, to an extent. He knows my feelings are involved (I suspect, we never talk about it), so sometimes I think if he really cares about me that he will distance himself and allow me to move on. Ugh. I know what I need to do it's just going to be hard.
Quest Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I think No Contact is best. It is causing you pain and confusion having him in your life and it's clear nothing will happen between you in the near future, if at all. NC is tough, though, especially when he's a nice guy who hasn't done anything to hurt you - it means you've got no anger to help you keep your resolve. Keep going with the other dates and keep busy and every time he tries to make contact (because he will) do something to distract yourself. If you do this long enough you might just manage to make the emotional break and find somebody new and available.
Author sillychick Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 I think No Contact is best. It is causing you pain and confusion having him in your life and it's clear nothing will happen between you in the near future, if at all. NC is tough, though, especially when he's a nice guy who hasn't done anything to hurt you - it means you've got no anger to help you keep your resolve. Keep going with the other dates and keep busy and every time he tries to make contact (because he will) do something to distract yourself. If you do this long enough you might just manage to make the emotional break and find somebody new and available. Great advice, thank you!!
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