amaysngrace Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Why is there necessarily drama with a guy who is divorced with kids? There are some adults in the world, believe it or not. EH doesn't need to settle for a divorced man with kids. She can find the right person to share her life with. Someone who's just starting out too, ya know? I'm not knocking divorced people...I'm divorced with kids.
xxoo Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 EH doesn't need to settle for a divorced man with kids. She can find the right person to share her life with. Someone who's just starting out too, ya know? What if the right person has a kid? I've seen it work out. If he's a wonderful guy, and the co-parenting situation is stable, it can be a blessing! 1
amaysngrace Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 What if the right person has a kid? I've seen it work out. If he's a wonderful guy, and the co-parenting situation is stable, it can be a blessing! Um...if you were married already and have kids already it kind of shows you made a severely poor life choice, don't you think?
xxoo Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Um...if you were married already and have kids already it kind of shows you made a severely poor life choice, don't you think? Not always. It depends on the situation and the man. Like I said, I've seen it work out really well. Some of my friends and family members have grown step-kids at this point, still happily married, and no regrets. 1
amaysngrace Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Not always. It depends on the situation and the man. Like I said, I've seen it work out really well. Some of my friends and family members have grown step-kids at this point, still happily married, and no regrets. Well I wasn't talking about your family...I was talking about Eleanor.
EasyHeart Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Reallly? for a second I thought I was being too picky. When I think about it, then m en i have met most of them did not meet these standards and then ones that did are not interested in me.Your list is definitely not too picky. It seems like a pretty basic list that I assume everyone looks for in a partner. And besides #1, it describes pretty much every guy I know. And there's nothing wrong with being picky. You're worth it. 2
amaysngrace Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Hahahaha! I really can't argue with that. Although, to be fair, people change and grow up from the time they agree to marry a person to the time they get divorced, and hopefully even more until the time they decide to get into another relationship, dig? Yea I do. But knowing the little that I know of this one, she has a lot to offer and doesn't need to be shooting low.
Author eleanorhurting Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Your list is definitely not too picky. It seems like a pretty basic list that I assume everyone looks for in a partner. And besides #1, it describes pretty much every guy I know. And there's nothing wrong with being picky. You're worth it. really? am i the only person surrounded by pot smoking agnostics in school?
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 really? am i the only person surrounded by pot smoking agnostics in school? Maybe it's just the school you go to. Or maybe the places you hang out. When I was in college I always found myself surrounded by very religious Muslim people, Vietnamese people, and very conservative Christians. It was an interesting cross section of American society to be sure. 1
xxoo Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 really? am i the only person surrounded by pot smoking agnostics in school? Universities are full of liberal/science-minded types. Is it important that he shares your beliefs? Or could you be with an agnostic who met this standard: will be OK with going to church and raising our kids going to church but will not beat me over the head with a bible or judge me for believing in gay rights, for drinking wine and for not being a virgin Keep in mind that many couples don't share beliefs exactly, even when their beliefs are stronger than what yours seem to be.
StanMusial Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I don't think your standards are too low. You seem to have your priorities straight and if you find the guy you described you won't be on this forum posting threads about how your guy sexed you then ran off.
Author eleanorhurting Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 (edited) Universities are full of liberal/science-minded types. Is it important that he shares your beliefs? Or could you be with an agnostic who met this standard: will be OK with going to church and raising our kids going to church but will not beat me over the head with a bible or judge me for believing in gay rights, for drinking wine and for not being a virgin Keep in mind that many couples don't share beliefs exactly, even when their beliefs are stronger than what yours seem to be. I don't know I feel like it would be really really really hard for me to be with someone who could not share certain things with me... like prayer. But it does not have to be an exact fit. Like Fred didn't pray with me but he knew I prayed and sometimes he would ask me to pray for him. Obviously there were other very serious incompatibilities in our relationship... I don't know I guess I would have to evaluate each situation but I seriously could not be with someone who deviated significantly from what I believe like a Buddhist or an atheist or someone who does not believe in prayer or in God or Jesus. Obviously these are basic things that I want. Compatibility and how he treats me are important but that is a whole other level and I definitely need to raise my standards there. And to those that say that my standards are too low, consider yourselves lucky that you have great options. I barely know guys who are not atheists or agnostics and who do not smoke pot or cigarettes or a drunks and are also driven in their career. But again I am about to finish a professional degree which took 4 years of undergrad and 4 years of professional school after so maybe my idea of ambitious in their career is different than other people's. For example, I met a guy who was an x-ray tech. that was it. No further ambition beyond being an xray tech and posting stuff on facebook when he does not have patients... not exactly what I consider ambitious in their career and their job. oh by the way I am not dating anyone or interested in dating anyone or have dated anyone since the Fred debacle. I am trying to take the lessons I have learned and organizing myself for when I move, start all over again and consider meeting new people... which won't be until summer anyway Edited February 18, 2013 by eleanorhurting
SteveC80 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Why is it so important to women for a man to lead? What grown up really needs to be lead?
amaysngrace Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Also workaholics make for poor mates. Actually workaholics aren't poor at all. 1
veggirl Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 The only thing I could see being a problem is finding a guy who is religious YET liberal. Other than that, I agree with this: I don't think you're being picky or snobby in fact I think you're selling yourself short. Definitely no man with kids unless he's a widower. Why have that drama? You have a lot to offer. You can afford to be selective and you should be. You are (barely) 26, why in the world would you want a man who's been married or has kids?! Esp when there are LOADS who don't include that baggage. I'm almost 30 and I *still* wouldn't date a guy who has been married or has kids. I want both of those things and I want it to be the first for both of us, plus I've dated 2 guys with kids and I didn't like it. Have you ever dated a divorced guy or a guy with kids? It always comes with issues. You don't need that yet imo. I agree with mesmerized that actually your standards have seemed too low, at least until now. Fred would objectively meet most of these standards, at least upon first meeting right? So, what you need to work on is being comfortable walking away when you encounter a dealbreaker, even if it is 2 months in or whatever. 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 The only thing I could see being a problem is finding a guy who is religious YET liberal. Depending on what one means by "liberal", I actually know quite a few people like that.
Author eleanorhurting Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 The only thing I could see being a problem is finding a guy who is religious YET liberal. Other than that, I agree with this: You are (barely) 26, why in the world would you want a man who's been married or has kids?! Esp when there are LOADS who don't include that baggage. I'm almost 30 and I *still* wouldn't date a guy who has been married or has kids. I want both of those things and I want it to be the first for both of us, plus I've dated 2 guys with kids and I didn't like it. Have you ever dated a divorced guy or a guy with kids? It always comes with issues. You don't need that yet imo. I agree with mesmerized that actually your standards have seemed too low, at least until now. Fred would objectively meet most of these standards, at least upon first meeting right? So, what you need to work on is being comfortable walking away when you encounter a dealbreaker, even if it is 2 months in or whatever. I would rather he not have kids but its not an absolute deal breaker for me if everything else is wonderful. Yes, I am trying to raise my standards or at least analyze what I want or don't want which is why i started this thread. And yes, Fred is one of the few people who I met the year that I was single who on the surface met my standards. And yes, I do have to work on walking away when I realize the person does not deserve me. BUT, I liked Fred and I am glad I dated him and gave him a chance. If I could go back, I do not regret this at all, in fact, I would do it all over again, I just would have walked away way earlier than I did. However, I did go on dates with many men who did NOT meet these basic standards and I wish I had not. So that is something I learned and that is something I will change for the future. Esp. the smoking thing. I went on a date with a cigarette smoker who ended up being a dick and the guy who pumped and dumped me summer 2011 was a pot smoker and he was not religious at all. Will definitely be happy to not waste time on that anymore in the future 1
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Best case, a liberal will go to Church on the big holidays but forget about regular service attendance. Like I said it depends what you mean by "liberal" and I do know quite a few self described liberals who go regularly to church.
Author eleanorhurting Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 Like I said it depends what you mean by "liberal" and I do know quite a few self described liberals who go regularly to church. yes I know a few but they are not the norm. One of them was my ex boyfriend when I was in 9th grade. WE are still friends he lives very far though... never going to happen we are great friends plus we were like 14 years old... The other is one of my exes... we broke up... I went out with 2 guys like this when I was single: one of them was GREAT yet he never called me back. The other was also great but he was 5'3 and I really, really was not attracted to him for several reasons
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 yes I know a few but they are not the norm. One of them was my ex boyfriend when I was in 9th grade. WE are still friends he lives very far though... never going to happen we are great friends plus we were like 14 years old... The other is one of my exes... we broke up... I went out with 2 guys like this when I was single: one of them was GREAT yet he never called me back. The other was also great but he was 5'3 and I really, really was not attracted to him for several reasons Obviously they're not the norm, but it's not impossible to find them. A lot of laid back protestant churches have people like that in their congregations.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 I don't date men with kids either and I am 34 I also have a VERY strong preference for never been married or widowed. The way I see it, EH is at the very top and if she can't be picky who can? She is young, beautiful, kind and has a great career in front of her. 2
Author eleanorhurting Posted February 18, 2013 Author Posted February 18, 2013 I don't date men with kids either and I am 34 I also have a VERY strong preference for never been married or widowed. The way I see it, EH is at the very top and if she can't be picky who can? She is young, beautiful, kind and has a great career in front of her. the same could be said about you ES 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Great careers usually hold women back in dating. They do in a sense that women with good careers are financially independent and are more likely to be picky. I don't think that men dislike women with good careers. With all the men I was interested in, it seemed to be a big plus. They were impressed 1
ChessPieceFace Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 (edited) Basically someone who will share my beliefs Your beliefs seem contradictory. Do you guys think my standards are too much? Yep. You'll have a very hard time finding someone to meet this laundry list of demands. And even if you do, will he want to date an ultra-liberal? I'm probably a lot closer to your demands than most guys would be, and I'd NEVER date an ultra-liberal. Maybe you need to rethink your requirement that someone must worship both at the church of Christianity and the church of progressive liberalism. Maybe you should have more tolerance for the beliefs of others if you want to find success in relationships. Specifically, the belief (you imply) that you hold which is that anyone who would dare disagree with your belief in the absolute necessity of gay marriage must be a hateful bigot. They couldn't POSSIBLY have any other reasons for their belief. But in fact, there ARE reasons why people could be morally open-minded and be completely supportive of individual lifestyle choice while still disagreeing with gay marriage, and I'm one of them. The reason? There's a big difference between what's best for an individual, and what's best for a society. Edited February 18, 2013 by ChessPieceFace
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 18, 2013 Posted February 18, 2013 Except men want to be the one who impresses not the one who is impressed and many women prefer it that way too. Besides often women with great careers are so career focused relationships take a back seat. Women will weather that treatment from a man for a little while but men won't. A woman with a great career typically doesn't set aside enough time for a relationship anyways so it is all a non-issue except for those women. I know the myth is women with more money are more picky since they have more "options" yet in the real world they have fewer serious dating options since they have a greater income and become less picky. They put on a brave face to pretend their love life, i.e. eternal singlehood, isn't that bad since they can't deal with their success in one part of their life being detrimental to other aspects. Life is a game of balance. When you devote too much energy to one the others become neglected. Yes, I admit that career is more important to me than having a relationship. If I had to chose one, I would pick being eternally single and keeping my career. I still think you can have both though.
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