Cheated on&lied to, break up 2 years ago, trying to learn to let go of the past

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi.

 

I've been reading the forum for several days now and I'm amazed at how helpful it is! I'll try to help others on this forum as much as I can in the future. I wish I knew of this wonderful group of people a long time ago!

 

This is my second post here and I hope it's not too long and incoherent, but I wrote a lot to try to keep it as informative and unbiased as possible, and in a way it helps me to finally put down my relationship/life on paper. But just in case, in this post I've tried to present a version as short as I could, and in the next one I posted some extra info (if anyone will have the time to read through the details).

 

Also, I think my situation is in a way much less urgent than that of a lot of people here, so I'll understand if I have to wait a bit longer to get any replies. Thanks in advance for any kind of comments!

 

In short, there are two questions to which I'd appreciate your advice:

1. To what, if any, degree was it my own fault that my ex gf cheated on me? Did I really give her an impression that I'm ok with it?

2. Do you have any advice (what to do, what books/sites to check out, meditation, ...) on how to let go of the past? To get over someone, to let go of anger, regrets, "what ifs", to become indifferent etc., to start trusting people again etc.? Is it necessary to have a rebound relationship to "really" get over someone? is it possible to be over someone and still be angry at them for what happened? How/when to be honest when meeting a new person about the fact that, best case scenario, you're not completely indifferent about what happened with your ex?

 

 

My story in "short":

I started dating my ex around 4 years ago, when we were both around 21 years old. After a month and half, she cheated on me (presumably only once). Two months later, she told me about it. We stayed together, but had a lot of problems. After almost two years, she told me she didn't see herself spending her life with me, and that also she wanted to maybe try things out with the guy she had cheated me on with. She broke up with me. For a long time, I hoped eventually we'd marry and have kids.

 

 

Anyway, to start at the beginning, we met at our uni. After several weeks of talking and hanging out there, we went out on a real date and soon became a couple. Before her, I had only one girlfriend, but that lasted a couple of months and we didn't have sex, because I was too afraid to admit that I hadn't had sex before.

 

On our date, when I thought she was interested in becoming my gf, I wanted to be honest and tell her the things I was ashamed of and/or thought were a reason for which she might change her mind about me. So I told her about being inexperienced (sexually and otherwise regarding relationships), being insecure about whether people are honest with me etc.

 

She told among other things me she was attending group therapy and that she was on antidepressants for "emotional imbalance" (not being bipolar, but still quite often she would go from being happy one day to being "depressed" the next day, or even changes within a day).

 

She told me that her on and off ex bf of 4 or 5 years broke up with her some 6 months ago (and went to study to another continent). She told me that she had trouble with cheating, because in that relationship he had started cheating on her, and then they kind openly "cheated" on each other and joked about it. She asked sth to the effect of what I think about it or how I would react to it and if I could get over it. She had also, when talking about this, told me if i would ever be interested in a threesome with another girl, she'd be up for it.

 

In response to this, I told her (I'm not sure of the exact words) uncertainly that I hope that somehow i would be able to work through it and survive it happening, but that if sth like that ever happened, I would need to know about it immediately. With hindsight, that was one of the most stupid things I've ever said. But I gave her such a reply because at the time I was really inexperienced and I wasn't sure that it would be the end for me and I really believed that I'm capable enough of working through almost any problem, and I wanted to give her a truthful answer. I also told her that honesty and truthfulness in a relationship is of paramount importance to me. I also told her that I'm not interested in any threesomes and that I'm only interested in her and that I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

 

Anyway, after that we become a couple. A couple of weeks after that, she had her first attack of emotional imbalance in my presence, we were just about to go to a party and she broke down in my car crying that she's a horrible person, that I should break up with her and find someone better. I calmed her down, cheered her up and after that the evening went great. In the following weeks, we had a great time, sex, celebrated holidays and new years together in another country, met each other parents etc.. etc. Every once in a while she'd have an occasional break down and I did my best to help her feel better.

 

 

 

After a month and half of being together, she told me she was planning on meeting a guy to see if she could get a discount for some service for her student group (he worked in a company that provided such services). He was one of the guys from her group of friends with which she hung out ever since high school. Her two best girl friends and 3-4 older guys. He was one of the guys with whom she had sex once during her time with the ex bf (i don't remember if she told me that before or after).

 

I got jealous and upset about it, but she told me that I was overreacting and that I was too jealous. Since I was inexperienced and still over the moon for her, I believed her and, not wanting to be the over-jealous boyfriend, I stopped nagging and even helped her choose what to wear (stupid…) Anyway, that went by and everything seemed normal, and two days later it was my birthday and everything seemed great, she told me she loved me etc. (after two months, she told me she had cheated on me that evening).

 

Two weeks after that evening, we meet in school and she told me she wanted to take a break for a week, because "she was falling in love with me too fast and it was scaring her". After two or three hours, she found me at school and told me she had talked to her friends and they told her that she has to learn how not to take a break every time something scares her (in her past relationship, they were on and off very often). She apologized. After that we talked about her problems, insecurities and her mental condition. She had asked me if I would stay with her even if she'd go crazy, will be kicked onto the street by her family, if due to her illness she would refuse to talk to me for months etc..

 

After that, for about two months things were great (with occasional breakdown...). Then in a span of two weeks, several things happened. First of all she broke down in my car, crying and asking "why didn't the world end when her ex broke up with her". She later said she didn't love him anymore, but she still wasn't over the pain he had caused her.

 

 

 

A couple of days after that she locked herself in the room, crying and screaming at me&her family to leave her alone, that everyone hates her, that she's fat and stupid. She screamed at me that I should dump her and find someone better, that I was perfect etc.. After I don't know how many hours she let me in, I tried to comfort her, and she said that she had cheated on me with that guy from 2 months ago, and that at this time (when she told me about all this) she was in love with some other guy from the faculty.

 

She told me that the guy kissed her that time they went out (when they got back to her room to watch a movie, as they had done in the past before she met me), and that she didn't move away until after a couple of seconds. She said she wasn't drunk or anything like that.

 

As for being in love with some other guy, she just she just thought he was cute, but that she said that she loved him just to test me to see if "I would stay with her or abandon her like everyone else did in her life". After that, I got angry and told her that this is the last time she "tests" me and if she will do it ever again, that we're through. As for the cheating, I thought that it wasn't her fault since he kissed her.

 

Next day, we were studying when all of the suddenly she told me with a grave voice that she "just remembered that it wasn't only a kiss that happened that time". She went on to tell me that after the kiss(ing) she gave him a handjob, but that when he wanted more, she put a stop to it. When I asked her questions about it, she said that at the time she thought "I would be ok with it" (because of what I had replied when she talked about cheating on our date (in one of the first paragraphs of my post)), but after the handjob she realized that she didn't want our relationship to be the same as with her ex. When I questioned her how the hell could she have "forgot" to tell me that the day before, she said that she doesn't know and that she must have suppressed that part of her memory, and that she had no reason to hide that from me the day before. Throughout all the time that we were together, and even after she eventually broke up with me for the last time, she always maintained that that's all that ever happened and that she never cheated on me again.

 

 

At the time, I was dealing with a lot of bad stuff in my life (taking care of my depressed parents & sibling, my work, a lot of volunteer work projects, maintaining near-perfect grades needed to get an internship after graduation), and being with her was one of the few things that kept me from burning out. And when things were good, she was great, made me happy, and before that I never really felt happy in my life. And she often tried to cheer me up, surprise me with nice stuff etc. So I decided to try to work through it and we stayed together.

 

As the time went on, the guy she cheated me on with continued to text her etc., and I kept telling her to make him stop, but foolishly I never put my foot down. She seemed to be annoyed at him, but said that it's hard because he was a part of her friend group, and because she felt that when she was with her ex, she kind of kept him on the hook. Since she was still struggling with her mental issues, I didn't want her from losing her social network support and that's why I didn't insist on not hanging out with her high best friends.

 

After half a year since she told me she cheated on me, we had lots of troubles and I suggested and she agreed that we should go into therapy, because of all the problems we didn't seem to be solving. We hadn't had sex in some time, mostly because I was afraid that she'd get pregnant (the condoms broke twice, the second time she didn't want to take a morning after pill...) and I wasn't sure if I were going to be able to get over the cheating, if I wanted to stay with her. She also said that in a way she felt I was more like a father/best friend (we kind of became co-dependent, she was experiencing those breakdowns, and i tried my best to make sure she would study enough, not fall into bulimia, depression, to convince her to have a pepper spray when she want jogging at night in the woods etc.). I worried too much about my health (the doctor said I would have to cut down on my stress, and sent me to get checked for a type of cancer (luckily with good results),...). I had difficulties relaxing (because of my family situation, I always had to be the "grown-up" and thus learnt to be always on the look out,...).

 

And I was too soft and didn't know how to deal with everything and I think I became too indulgent, tried too much to solve all her problems and yet give her enough space so she wouldn't feel suffocated, but didn't always succeed. I also had told her during that time that I wasn't sure if I could get over everything, that maybe there were too many things that had happened.

 

She had also a couple of times said that I have to know/decide whether I will forgive her or not. Because every once in a while when we were having a great time, sth reminded me of him and I'd get in a bad mood, despite trying not to. She said she felt like I would keep on holding that against her. I told her that I can't just "decide" and be over it. She then said sth like "what if I will get drunk and lose control and sth would happen", and I said that that would definitely be the end. That seemed to surprise her...

 

We went to therapy for several months, but had to stop because it was too expensive. It helped, but not enough.

 

She said at therapy that before me, she didn't think cheating was such a big deal, and that only when she had cheated on me did she realise how horrible it is. She also said that she'd never do it again.

 

During that time, she at one point said that when she went out with her friends, she felt being attracted to that guy with whom she had cheated me on. A couple of weeks after that, she broke up with me (2nd time), said that she wasn't sure if she still loved me. After two or three days, she said she was sure that she loved me and wanted to be back together. We got back together (they really should make an emoticon of someone shooting himself out of stupidity...), but I told her she should stop having any contacts with that guy. She did, but some weird stuff happened (the guy was really sad, and she "was really surprised how emotionally he reacted" bla bla).

 

Anyway, after a couple of months after this, after coming back from vacations with her family, she told me we had to meet and talk. She said she didn't see herself spending her life with me and that she needed to find who she was before she got in a serious relationship. That she was almost always in relationships, and that when she met me, she had just begun to enjoy the single life and that meeting me surprised her. She also said sth like "she wouldn't forgive herself if she never knew what would happened with that guy (the guy she had cheated me on with). She cried a lot, wanted to hug me (which i refused) etc. She also said she wanted too meet about this in public, because she didn't trust herself about changing her mind if we met in private.

 

After the break-up (3rd and final), I saw her three weeks later. We talked for some time. I asked her again if what she told me was really the truth. She said yes. She said that she realised that she didn't feel anything for that guy. She said that she realised she probably needed some "carpenter" or some guy who wouldn't let her have such breakdowns or treat him so badly. She said that I were doing to her what she was doing to me, she would have left me a long time ago. We talked some more, then she left. My friends mentioned to me that she was really happy whenever they saw her. I never asked any of our mutual friends to tell me anything about her new life and didn't want to know.

 

After that, I saw her a couple of times (we worked on a project together), she always acted friendly and she said she wanted to be friends. After a couple of months of this, I called her, we met and I told her that I passed of all my projects duties to other people, and that she should not contact me unless it was something really important or if she changed her mind, because otherwise it was too hard for me. She said she was really sad and if I were sure, she told me she was really happy to see my number calling her, and sth like "it's not like my feelings for you have completely vanished".

 

After that, we talked maybe three or four times, mostly over facebook (to say hi for birthdays etc.). When I saw her at uni, I looked the other way. When we were both abroad this year, we talked maybe about meeting, but a couple of days ago, after reading a lot of threads on this site, I sent her a mail to never ever contact me again, and that I've blocked her email etc.

 

//

 

Letting go of the past

 

After we broke up, I tried to convince my self as much as possible that this was for the best and that I couldn't spend my life with someone with whom i shared such a history. But it was really hard, and for the first few months I couldn't fall asleep and slept for 1-2 hours per day, and very often I dreamt of her. I started drinking a lot (before I didn't drink almost anything, because my parents had some alcohol problems etc.), but luckily stopped before it got to the point of alcoholism. I buried myself in work etc.

 

After several months, I started going to parties and at one of them met a really great girl (who went to the same uni and knew we had broken up). We made out and it felt great, but at some point i rememberd my ex. The next day, I felt guilty for kissing another girl and "betraying" my ex... Anyway, when we met, she said that she was interesting in seeing me again, but I told her that I don't think I was ready. She said that I shouldn't worry about hurting her. But after learning the hard way how ****ed up i got because I got involved with my ex (who still had issues with her ex,...), I didn't want to hurt this girl (inadvertently) like I got hurt.

 

That happened two or three more times - I met some girl at a party, we were drunk, met in the next days, liked each other, but I was too worried that I would hurt someone the way I got hurt. One night stands weren't really an option (I became really worried about broken condoms, about having no say in what happened in case of a broken condom etc., about STDs etc.). And after that I only ever met one girl that messed up my head - when I was studying abroad. Of course, she had (and still has) a long time boyfriend... And at some point I realised (after someone pointed out to me) that she looks, behaves,is almost exactly like my ex. Fun stuff.

 

Now I'm not sure how to let go of the past. I'm really worried about inadvertently hurting the person in my next relationship. Some of my friends told me I should just accept the fact that you can never be sure you won't hurt anyone. But I don't wish anyone what happened to me. So when a few months ago I met a girl, I tried to explain what the situation was with me and that I wasn't sure if I would hurt her (inadvertently) because of my issues and, but that I liked and still wanted to be with her, she took that as a "i'm not ready to be in a relationship". But I will like I'm in a circle, that I'm not sure if I'm too ****ed for a relationship, but I can't know if I'm too ****ed up without at least trying. But I don't want to try because I don't want to hurt other people.

 

I used to want to make a difference in the world (or at least in my country). I've done a lot of volunteer work to help people, but lately I'm just withdrawing more and more towards myself, trying not to hurt people, while life and time fly past me. I also attended therapy for some time after we broke up, and I discovered that a lot of my issues are connected to the behavioral patterns of my parents. I can't afford to go to therapy anymore, but I'm working on resolving the issues with my parents.

 

But I've realised that my parents and my ex, so the people I've opened up the most in my life, all have lied to me, emotionally manipulated me and used me to take care of them and resolve their problems, and ignored my problems. And I realised that I let my ex gf treat me like this because I learnt to do that to my parents/sibling, because at the time I was afraid that if I didn't do that, if I weren't the stable one and the nice one, who always put others in front of myself, my parents/family would divorce or break down completely. And now I don't feel like I can trust anyone (even though my parents are trying to mend things), and I just feel full of anger, hate, disappointment, hurt, sadness, mistrust, ..., and I don't know what more to do get rid of it. And now everytime I meet someone, on one hand i want to let them close to me, on the other hand i can just sense myself thinking "when will they hurt/betray/lie"...

 

Before this happened with my ex, I don't think I've cried since being a small child. I was always tough on the outside, dealt with my problems by myself, always helped people around me, and kept on going, never faltering. After we broke up, something just snapped inside me and for a while, I still did that, I travelled around, worked, tried to meet new people, just get over everything and let go of the past, and now I've realised that just running around doing normal stuff obviously won't help me, and that I need sth more.

 

I think now I've progressed a lot, and also this site has made me realise a lot of stuff (about the mistakes i've made & other things). I've become more careful not to let people use me, to not be so ready to indulge others at my expense, to not hold in my anger, to not get involved with people so soon after they break up with someone etc.

 

But I want to make the next step and leave as much baggage as possible in the past, and not burden myself with so much anger etc. anymore. Life is too short and beautiful to be waste it over thinking&feeling about her or the bad things that have happened to and that I've done in the past.

 

Thanks again! I tried to be as objective as possible, but I probably could have written more about the mistakes I've made and the problems I've contributed to, and more about how great she was otherwise, but I've already written a lot.

 

Best regards and wishes!

[Calvin's wagon]

Even more info:

 

I was always fairly self-conscious and shy around girls & people in general. Before her, I had only one girlfriend, but that lasted a couple of months and wasn't very serious, nor did we have sex, because I was too afraid to admit that I hadn't had sex before, too afraid of my inexperience etc., especially because she 4 or 5 years older. When I came to the faculty, I began to feel more self-confident and became quite outgoing and involved in a lot of student activities.

 

 

After a couple of weeks of being together, she had asked me if I never get angry or lie. I told her that I try to never get angry, at least until I talk to the other person, see their point of view and think if I'm overreacting. I told her that I try to never lie and, when she asked me to lie for her (to her parents & friends) if she needed me too, I told her I wouldn't and we got into a big fight over that. She said that it's not good for me that I keep my anger inside me, and that her goal would be to make me angry and express my anger instead of rationalizing it.

 

And in the full course of our relationship, I always disclosed everything I thought she would want or need to hear, even if it were really embarrassing. I only lied once, when she asked me if i heard some girls say some mean things about her, I said no (so she wouldn't feel bad), but told her after 5 seconds that yes, I had heard.

 

Around the time she broke up with me for the first time (for 2, 3 hours), she also told me once that she "missed having more drama in our relationship" and that it "bothered her that I was always so supportive, calm etc.. Throughout our relationship, very often she would go from saying one day the she wants to move in together, our parents to meet, to marry after we graduate, to talking the next day about needing more space etc. So very roller-coaster-y. In that time, I tried to remain stable, not get too excited when she talked about moving in together etc., not too upset when she wanted more space…

 

 

When she broke down in my car to cry about her ex, she also said that's why sometimes it felt like he was still present and in our relationship (another point when I should have said enough). When I got angry because of that, she told me not to get angry because of that.

 

I never quite knew what she wanted. On one hand, she'd say she misses drama, on the other hand, she said that's why she liked me so much, that she felt safe around me… She would scream at me to leave her alone when she had breakdowns, so she could deal with it alone, but then say that she was always so happy that I didn't give up on her and stayed by her side...

 

She was also suicidal in the past (and once when we were together in a car; but then after talking to her support group, she said she was probably just looking for attention), and that's why I was wary of leaving her alone when she had breakdowns. And for some time, she said that I'm her best friend and that so many people have abbandoned her.

 

In the days following her disclosure, I talked to two of my closest friends (guy and girl) and they both told me I should be really concerned. My ex asked me if it was really necessary for me to talk to them about this, but I had to.

 

 

As the time went on, the guy she cheated me on with continued to text her etc., and I kept telling her to make him stop, but foolishly I never put my foot down. She seemed to be annoyed at him, but said that it's hard because he was a part of her friend group, and because she felt that when she was with her ex, she kind of kept him on the hook. After half a year since she told me she cheated on me, I suggested and she agreed that we should go into therapy.

 

At some point, me, her and her very good female friends saw one of the guys from her group really flirting/cheating with some girl. He was a boyfriend of her other real good female friend in this group. We talked about whether we should tell her (especially because they told this wasn't the first time they saw him, and she was thinking of getting married etc.) or confronting him, but they said they won't do it. I wanted to, but I barely knew her and didn't know if it was my business.

 

 

We had a big argument, where at one point I refused to have sex without a condom (we did it without once or twice before) unless we both got tested for STDs (I was afraid of what her ex bf might have contracted, and one of my friend's ex turned out to have HIV and didn't disclose that to his sexual partners, and that's why I wanted to be sure), and she flipped and told me she hoped she would have HIV. She told me that I was accusing her of being a whore etc. I tried to explain that I trust her, but that I don't trust her ex. After that I went home, and after an hour or so she came to me and apologized. When I told her about that comment of hers, she said she didn't remember saying that.

 

 

When, towards the end of relationship, she finally wrote him a letter explaining why he (the guy with whom she cheated on) shouldn't contact her anymore, he apparently contacted her and was really shocked and sad. After that she called me and started explaining »how surprised she was that he reacted so emotionally and that she has never seen him like this«. I cut her off and told her I really wasn't interested in how he felt.

 

When i started with my ex, I made sure that every time I met a new girl (during the course of my volunteer work, projects, work…), I tried to (more or less subtly) mention as soon as possible that I have a gf, and avoided spending time with girls that seemed to be interested in me. My GF knew about this and always said to her it was funny that I tried so hard about this.

 

Thank you again!