Need for my broken heart

[ruh roh]

I have responded to a few threads on LS and have really enjoyed some of the advice that you all have given to others. There seems to be a lot of selfless people here that don't deserve the raw deal they have been given. I have finally decided to seek advice for my own sorry situation.

 

I have been married to my wife for 24 -years and have two teenage boys. I caught my wife having an EA about three years ago with an old high school flame that she hooked up with on FB. At that time, she was always guarding her laptop and cell phone. I finally got a copy of the bill and it revealed the truth. I confronted the OMM and my wife. In short, my wife cried and pleaded with me to work through it, which I did because I still loved her and convinced myself that it never became physical. It's so easy to take people for granted after being together for so long. Over the period of the next two years I really worked at being a better partner and proving to her that I still loved her. In her defense, she also genuinely seemed to work at regaining my trust for hurting me. Our marriage really seemed to have been mended and I thought we were both happy again.

 

Fast forward until about 6-months ago. I started noticing that she was using her phone a lot more and even moved her charger into the bedroom. I also picked up on her becoming less affectionate. She had just started back to work after a 15-year hiatus to raise our boys and began coming home later and later. I asked her why she all of a sudden was working so late and she told me that sales were way up and staff was way down. Since I can relate to that with my business, I still wasn't as concerned as I now know I should have been.

 

One night a girl from her office called for her on our home phone and wanted to speak to her. I told her that she wasn't home from work yet and this girl blurted out "I wonder why because we have been so slow". Well it hit me like a ton of bricks, like it was 3-years previous again. The phone log gave her up the last time, but I figured she would be smarter (sneakier) this time. When I looked at her usage for a 2-month period I saw mega texts to and from #0000006245 and calls from #999999999. For those who don't already know, I learned that the texts were coming from a computer and the calls were showing up as 9's, because who ever was calling was blocking their number. I confronted her immediately and she basically played dumb like she had no idea why this info was on her bill. She also wouldn't allow me to look at her phone, but assured me she wasn't hiding anything. She also swore that she wasn't having another A.

 

To make a long story even longer, I told her that I was done, that I couldn't go through the lying and deceiving again. My problem however, was that I couldn't afford to move out, rent a place and also continue paying the mortgage, bills associated with having a home and the expenses of having two Sons that both drive and go to school. I pay for everything for them. My W doesn't make much money and her job is more of a hobby than a real living. I didn't want my boy's too loose their home because of their Mother's promiscuity and because she refuses to leave, I ended up converting the garage into an apartment for me.

 

My wife finally came partially clean and told me that she no longer loved me, but assured me there was no other man in her life. I knew she was lying, but I agreed that she could continue to live in the house and I would continue to pay the bills until my youngest graduates next year. I rationalized that after that we would either decide who kept the house or sell it and go our separate ways. My only concern was that my my son got to finish his last 1- 1/2 years of high school without having to change schools. Believe me I was tore up inside, but I will do anything to keep my kids from being hurt. Unfortunately her deceit became much worst. She may as well had a sign saying "I'm having an affair" put in front of the house. I hired a PI and he did his thing for about 3-weeks. He turned over pictures and audio to me on Friday night. As if I wasn't hurting enough, I lost my 51 year old Brother to a heart attack on Tuesday and we laid him to rest on Friday.

I tried not to listen to the audio from the PI because I was so distraught with my Brother's sudden death, but I succumbed to listening to them last night. He had over 10-hours of audio, but had put them in order of importance. The very first conversation was her talking to this OM about my Brother's death. It was from the day he was found dead. She was bad mouthing my Brother and slandering his name to someone who is a complete stranger to me. It broke my heart! Add to that, the fact that she had consoled my grief stricken Mom at the funeral and I became enraged with anger. I went into the house and confronted her with what I had heard. Even though I repeated to her verbatim what she had said to the OM and told her about the recordings that I have of the phone conversations, she denied everything and told me to calm down or she was going to call my Son to come home because I was frightening her. I couldn't believe her calm and coldness. I didn't want my Son to see me in that light so I came back out to my little apartment. It felt like someone just reached in and ripped my heart out. As I said many words ago, I do not want to hurt my kids, but I don't think that I can continue to live here with her like this any longer. I still have to see her everyday.

 

My boy's think that I have been living out here because we are just trying to work through some issues, but they are by no means that naive. I don't know what to do without them getting hurt in the process. It is a shame that one person can choose to cause so much hurt for their own selfish desires.

I am pleading for advice from you good people. I apologize for this being so lengthy, but I wanted to try and convey the real situation that I am in.

Thank you so much for even reading this, if you made it this far. T

[Fallen Petals]

It's hard to advise you on different legalities, but I'd like to know why you assume in a D that the kids would have to change schools?? If her income is so much less then chances are you would get the house, yes? And if you're the "better" provider you could also get the children, at least 51%, giving them a home. And if she doesn't have a "home" then they stay with you and simply visit with her.

 

Bottom line here is this - you need to make a firm plan on how to end this torture and then execute the plan. Supporting her and letting her mow over you is not going to "save" anyone...and in the long run do you want the kids to learn that self sacrifice to the point of nearly making yourself suicidal is the best way to live their lives?

 

We can't know here all the issues in your M and all the ways problems have come and gone - but what you've described is a situation where you will not be continuing the M. So...if that's the decision you've made - now is the time to make the plans to get out. Rebuilding is difficult, the situation you are in is excruciating, awful, terrible...it won't improve if you just stay stationary though, doing nothing.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain...if there's one thing you'll get understanding from the folks on her about - it's pain. Even if we feel it from different circumstances and angles...heartbreak and pain is one of the primary reasons we all came together here in the first place...and I am also very sorry for the loss of your brother - and that your W was so cold in his death to badmouth him like that. You really didn't need to hear it. Don't torture yourself with tapes and photos any longer...keep them if you need them in the D (talk to an attorney and find out), but don't let them cause you more pain...don't look at them, or listen to them.

[Fleur de Lis]

Fist of all, I am very to sorry to hear about your brother. I have been really lucky in that I have yet to lose a sibling.

 

As hard as it sounds, I think you might need to postpone any confrontations with your wife until you pass through the 1st stage of grieving. I would talk to a divorce attorney if you have not done so already and get some professional advice on strategy for moving forward. Personally, I'd get legally separated as quickly as possible, get a new will drawn up as soon as that happens and change the beneficiary on any life insurance policies from her to a trust for your children.

 

Do not do anything that could remotely be used against you, including giving her any excuse to call the police and claim that she is afraid of you. Do not move out unless your divorce attorney advises you to do so, but I'd try to spend as much time as I could away from the house in order that you minimize the amount of time that any conflict between the two of you can occur.

 

Spend as much time with your kids as you can away from your wife. Go out and have fun with them. They need you as much as you need them.

 

I really feel for you. Keep your chin up and know that you have people here willing to listen and be sounding boards for ideas.

[SilverBelle25]

Sorry for the loss of your brother.

 

Your sons probably know more than they let on and are trying to protect you, too. As teens, rather than young children, they can choose where to be without having a custody battle, can't they?

 

I have no advice, just here to listen.

[Steen719]

I have responded to a few threads on LS and have really enjoyed some of the advice that you all have given to others. There seems to be a lot of selfless people here that don't deserve the raw deal they have been given. I have finally decided to seek advice for my own sorry situation.

 

I have been married to my wife for 24 -years and have two teenage boys. I caught my wife having an EA about three years ago with an old high school flame that she hooked up with on FB. At that time, she was always guarding her laptop and cell phone. I finally got a copy of the bill and it revealed the truth. I confronted the OMM and my wife. In short, my wife cried and pleaded with me to work through it, which I did because I still loved her and convinced myself that it never became physical. It's so easy to take people for granted after being together for so long. Over the period of the next two years I really worked at being a better partner and proving to her that I still loved her. In her defense, she also genuinely seemed to work at regaining my trust for hurting me. Our marriage really seemed to have been mended and I thought we were both happy again.

 

Fast forward until about 6-months ago. I started noticing that she was using her phone a lot more and even moved her charger into the bedroom. I also picked up on her becoming less affectionate. She had just started back to work after a 15-year hiatus to raise our boys and began coming home later and later. I asked her why she all of a sudden was working so late and she told me that sales were way up and staff was way down. Since I can relate to that with my business, I still wasn't as concerned as I now know I should have been.

 

One night a girl from her office called for her on our home phone and wanted to speak to her. I told her that she wasn't home from work yet and this girl blurted out "I wonder why because we have been so slow". Well it hit me like a ton of bricks, like it was 3-years previous again. The phone log gave her up the last time, but I figured she would be smarter (sneakier) this time. When I looked at her usage for a 2-month period I saw mega texts to and from #0000006245 and calls from #999999999. For those who don't already know, I learned that the texts were coming from a computer and the calls were showing up as 9's, because who ever was calling was blocking their number. I confronted her immediately and she basically played dumb like she had no idea why this info was on her bill. She also wouldn't allow me to look at her phone, but assured me she wasn't hiding anything. She also swore that she wasn't having another A.

 

To make a long story even longer, I told her that I was done, that I couldn't go through the lying and deceiving again. My problem however, was that I couldn't afford to move out, rent a place and also continue paying the mortgage, bills associated with having a home and the expenses of having two Sons that both drive and go to school. I pay for everything for them. My W doesn't make much money and her job is more of a hobby than a real living. I didn't want my boy's too loose their home because of their Mother's promiscuity and because she refuses to leave, I ended up converting the garage into an apartment for me.

 

My wife finally came partially clean and told me that she no longer loved me, but assured me there was no other man in her life. I knew she was lying, but I agreed that she could continue to live in the house and I would continue to pay the bills until my youngest graduates next year. I rationalized that after that we would either decide who kept the house or sell it and go our separate ways. My only concern was that my my son got to finish his last 1- 1/2 years of high school without having to change schools. Believe me I was tore up inside, but I will do anything to keep my kids from being hurt. Unfortunately her deceit became much worst. She may as well had a sign saying "I'm having an affair" put in front of the house. I hired a PI and he did his thing for about 3-weeks. He turned over pictures and audio to me on Friday night. As if I wasn't hurting enough, I lost my 51 year old Brother to a heart attack on Tuesday and we laid him to rest on Friday.

I tried not to listen to the audio from the PI because I was so distraught with my Brother's sudden death, but I succumbed to listening to them last night. He had over 10-hours of audio, but had put them in order of importance. The very first conversation was her talking to this OM about my Brother's death. It was from the day he was found dead. She was bad mouthing my Brother and slandering his name to someone who is a complete stranger to me. It broke my heart! Add to that, the fact that she had consoled my grief stricken Mom at the funeral and I became enraged with anger. I went into the house and confronted her with what I had heard. Even though I repeated to her verbatim what she had said to the OM and told her about the recordings that I have of the phone conversations, she denied everything and told me to calm down or she was going to call my Son to come home because I was frightening her. I couldn't believe her calm and coldness. I didn't want my Son to see me in that light so I came back out to my little apartment. It felt like someone just reached in and ripped my heart out. As I said many words ago, I do not want to hurt my kids, but I don't think that I can continue to live here with her like this any longer. I still have to see her everyday.

 

My boy's think that I have been living out here because we are just trying to work through some issues, but they are by no means that naive. I don't know what to do without them getting hurt in the process. It is a shame that one person can choose to cause so much hurt for their own selfish desires.

I am pleading for advice from you good people. I apologize for this being so lengthy, but I wanted to try and convey the real situation that I am in.

Thank you so much for even reading this, if you made it this far. T

 

My situation has some similarities to yours. I was married 22 years, one son in college. My XH cheated when we had been married 7 years. I finally figured out what the heck was going on when the attorney I went to asked me where the "chippie" was. I protested, but oh well...she was right. He pleaded; I stayed and honestly, now I see, gave him cheap forgiveness.

 

Fast forward some 12 or 13 years and he is sick, hospitalized many times, quits work (has to), my brother died when he is in the hospital, he gets sicker, has a transplant, gets better, we move home (from other city) and the stupid SOB finds an old gf on fb and starts a relationship with her, married though she is, too. He lied about me over and over to her.

 

I feel your pain. I ended up divorcing him - he loved me, not in love, blah, blah, blah, crap, crap, crap. I stayed in the house for 3 months after and it was the longest 3 months of my life. I finally moved out. It was pure hell trying to do that. He was dating - another old friend; the other one decided she didn't want to lose her 28 year marriage. He would leave for the weekend, not tell me, call her, text her, plan weekend getaways - UGH, it was awful. My brother finally told me one day that he was worried if i didn't leave, I would never recover. That got me going.

 

I won't lie. It hasn't been easy. My son has suffered because of it - he knows what happened. Kids are smart, perceptive. He was 20 and he asked me repeatedly. The psychologist I was seeing told me I should go ahead and confirm his knowledge. I suffered. I am broke, working 2 jobs and for about 6 months, was on a horrible roller coaster ride. It has been a year since I moved; just signed a new lease. I still hurt. It was a long marriage and I loved him - well, the "him I used to know". But it was better than living with him while he had someone else and I am better than I was

 

Some people get over these things in a hurry. My nature is and always has been to look over my shoulder at my past. I don't know why, but it is.

 

You are in a bad situation staying there with her. She lives in the house, you live in an apartment you put in the garage. If you have to both stay there for the financial aspect, make her move into it. She is the one who is choosing to be unfaithful. Go to an attorney and see what your rights are. If her job is a hobby, she can damn well get a real job and start supporting herself. Quit being so nice to her. She is choosing this, not you. You are not perfect. I sure wasn't. I could have done some things differently, and I should have, but I didn't deserve what I got and neither do you.

 

I feel your pain; I really do. I'm sorry you are going through this. I think my brother was right. I would have been worse if I had stayed in the situation I was in with him. (Funny, he had to stay in the house, but was never there as his gf lived 4 hours away. He moved in with her, came home to cut the grass and now they have split - no surprise there and he is back in the house.) It feels like it never ends.

 

See your attorney and start planning what you are gong to be able to do. Why wait around? She has really shown you what kind of person she is and doesn't love you anymore. Let her take care of herself. Even with child support, you might come out better than paying for everything yourself, as you are now.

 

Good luck, ruhroh and I am very sorry about the loss of your brother.

[imtooconfused]

ruh roh, I am sorry to hear that you are going through these things, but I am glad you found this forum. You will get a lot of good advice here (though maybe a bit of bad advice along the way too).

 

I am sorry to hear that you hired a PI. I suppose it is important documentation for the divorce but it's just added fuel to hurt your feelings at this point. The lack of truth surrounding her work and the text messages plus the fact that she came out and told you she doesn't love you should have all been enough. I guess it is water under the bridge, but when you find an attourney, you should give him/her the evidence and forget about what the PI uncovered. Moving forward, please avoid digging into her personal life any more. You know with absolute certainty that she has been unfaithful, so knowing more at this point will not help ANYTHING. It will only make you feel worse and most likely cause you to act in ways detrimental to your legal case.

 

It's time to move on from that past and the sooner you can get beyond what she did to you, the stronger you will be.

[ruh roh]

My situation has some similarities to yours. I was married 22 years, one son in college. My XH cheated when we had been married 7 years. I finally figured out what the heck was going on when the attorney I went to asked me where the "chippie" was. I protested, but oh well...she was right. He pleaded; I stayed and honestly, now I see, gave him cheap forgiveness.

 

Fast forward some 12 or 13 years and he is sick, hospitalized many times, quits work (has to), my brother died when he is in the hospital, he gets sicker, has a transplant, gets better, we move home (from other city) and the stupid SOB finds an old gf on fb and starts a relationship with her, married though she is, too. He lied about me over and over to her.

 

I feel your pain. I ended up divorcing him - he loved me, not in love, blah, blah, blah, crap, crap, crap. I stayed in the house for 3 months after and it was the longest 3 months of my life. I finally moved out. It was pure hell trying to do that. He was dating - another old friend; the other one decided she didn't want to lose her 28 year marriage. He would leave for the weekend, not tell me, call her, text her, plan weekend getaways - UGH, it was awful. My brother finally told me one day that he was worried if i didn't leave, I would never recover. That got me going.

 

I won't lie. It hasn't been easy. My son has suffered because of it - he knows what happened. Kids are smart, perceptive. He was 20 and he asked me repeatedly. The psychologist I was seeing told me I should go ahead and confirm his knowledge. I suffered. I am broke, working 2 jobs and for about 6 months, was on a horrible roller coaster ride. It has been a year since I moved; just signed a new lease. I still hurt. It was a long marriage and I loved him - well, the "him I used to know". But it was better than living with him while he had someone else and I am better than I was

 

Some people get over these things in a hurry. My nature is and always has been to look over my shoulder at my past. I don't know why, but it is.

 

You are in a bad situation staying there with her. She lives in the house, you live in an apartment you put in the garage. If you have to both stay there for the financial aspect, make her move into it. She is the one who is choosing to be unfaithful. Go to an attorney and see what your rights are. If her job is a hobby, she can damn well get a real job and start supporting herself. Quit being so nice to her. She is choosing this, not you. You are not perfect. I sure wasn't. I could have done some things differently, and I should have, but I didn't deserve what I got and neither do you.

 

I feel your pain; I really do. I'm sorry you are going through this. I think my brother was right. I would have been worse if I had stayed in the situation I was in with him. (Funny, he had to stay in the house, but was never there as his gf lived 4 hours away. He moved in with her, came home to cut the grass and now they have split - no surprise there and he is back in the house.) It feels like it never ends.

 

See your attorney and start planning what you are gong to be able to do. Why wait around? She has really shown you what kind of person she is and doesn't love you anymore. Let her take care of herself. Even with child support, you might come out better than paying for everything yourself, as you are now.

 

Good luck, ruhroh and I am very sorry about the loss of your brother.

 

Steen719, Thank you for the effort that you put into your reply and I agree that our situations are somewhat similar. I only wish that I was as far along as you are now. I have excepted the reality of this woman, which I loved so dearly with all of my heart, is now capable of hurting me more than my worst enemy. I know that it takes two people loving each other to make a marriage work. I also know that I am far from perfect. I am guilty of working too much and this is probably what led to her unhappiness, which led to her unfaithfulness. I never set out to do this. I just always thought that my main purpose was to support my family no matter the pain to me. I now know that my way of thinking is old fashioned and naive. It still doesn't give her the right to hurt me like she did. If I would have been unhappy in our marriage as she must have been, I would have just told her the truth and moved out before anyone was hurt. Why are so many people such cowards? That's is what I think all cheaters are. They do not have the balls to tell the truth so they take the easy way out. They are willing to sell their souls for a little bit of pleasure, not caring who's blood they leave in their wake. This is the hardest part for me because I never dreamed that my W was capable of causing so much hurt. I guess you never really no anyone the way you think you do.

I have made an appointment with a Lawyer, but not my regular Lawyer. He is way too nice. I am getting a female Attorney that knows how a woman's mind works because I evidently do not! I am going for the juggler baby.

I have been a nice guy all of my life and now look where I stand. I have always put her first. I provided her with a beautiful house, vacation home and new cars every other year. I could only do this because I was willing to work long and hard. Now I find out that this is her excuse for the affair. I worked too much and she was lonely, but never once did she ever tell me this or even elude to it. Well now I am lonely and damn mad so it's my turn to shed some blood. lol just kidding! However she will have to fight for anything she gets from me from this day forward.

 

Imtooconfused, you are correct that I should have never hired the PI or listened to the tapes because the only thing I got out of it is a broken heart. I needed to know the truth. I am the type of guy that looks for the good in people and excuses their flaws. It takes quite a bit to become my enemy, but when you do I can be just as passionate the other way. That is what she has become now. I have not listened to any more of the tapes and never will. I am going to give them to my Attorney and she can determine if they are relevant or even legal. I got from them what I needed.

 

I sat my boys down today and told them what my intentions are with their Mom. I didn't reveal the nasty details, but wanted them to understand that there is no chance of reconciliation. I also told them that they will have to decide with whom they want to reside. They both did not hesitate and said with their Dad. As I said in my original post, they are not naive and I'm almost positive they know the truth of what their Mom has done. I have often wondered if children of a cheating spouse worry about that person cheating them as well?

 

Thanks again for everyone that has replied and for the advice or comments you gave. I will keep you guys posted. I know that I have a long road ahead of me, but this forum sure does help. It's nice to be able to spill your guts and not be judged, or if you are judged, everyone remains anonymous so no one gets their feelings hurt. You guys are all awesome people!

[imtooconfused]

As I said in my original post, they are not naive and I'm almost positive they know the truth of what their Mom has done. I have often wondered if children of a cheating spouse worry about that person cheating them as well?

 

It sounds like your kids are old enough to be well aware of what is going on without having to give a lot of details. I'm also sure they have had enough life experiences to recognize dishonesty and the desire to stay far away from someone who cannot be honest with them.

[ruh roh]

I have an appointment with my Attorney this afternoon. Since I have never faced a legal separation/ divorce before, is there any particular questions I should be asking other than in regards to my 16-year old and our house?

Should I also be looking for anything special in the Lawyer?

These may seem like dumb, trivial questions to some on here, but I just want to be as informed as possible. I am trying not to allow my brain from being clouded by the emotions of this unfair situation. I don't want to do anything that I will have to regret for a long time to come.

Thanks again. T

[worldgonewrong]

One thing to fix in your brain, and this sounds minor/obvious but true:

A good lawyer understands that divorce is essentially a business transaction. It's all about finances & assets, nothing more. They're not going to act as an ersatz-therapist. So what I'm saying is, he/she will most likely guide you in a way that rules out any 'regret', if you get what I mean.